In Her Head - Collision Course

Now or Never

Four months earlier

“Come give Mummy a kiss and cuddle'' She called to her two children. After affections she whispered “behave yourselves and I will see you both soon, remember to be kind and helpful. I love you both”. The kids looked at her smiling and as usual in unison they replied “always Mummy” then they tore down the hallway screaming. Elle looked at Nancy frowning and asked if she was sure she was up for it. The children could be quite active, okay, well very active. Nancy smiled at Elle, “don’t worry Elle, we have got lots of activities planned. Go or you will be late” Nancy chided while pushing her to the door. “Okay, call or message if you need anything” Elle laughed as she was walking out of the front door, now unaided. When Elle stepped outside she sighed but couldn’t help feeling relieved, Elle adored her children but it was draining having to deal with it on her own. She was constantly feeling guilty whenever she stepped out without them but she needed a break, whether she knew it or not. None of which would be possible if she hadn't met Nancy all those years ago. Elle breathed deep and exhaled, she then made her way down the front drive flinging a wistful glance at her trusty Ford Focus, it was too much hassle to drive to work when she could walk it within forty minutes. Elle was pleased she lived in a quiet close that was on the outskirts of the City area, she had the peaceful surroundings of the cul de sac they lived in but it was very accessible to the city if needed. She heard a knock at the upstairs window and saw the children waving to her so she blew them a kiss and started her walk, she loved her Edwardian style, semi detached, 3 bedroom house, she couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. It was her pride, she had used all her savings to buy it and have stability for her and the children and she loved her children more than anything. This walk is going to exhaust me, well I’m fat so it’s needed. I hope the office girls don’t start with their bitchy body shaming comments, I really cannot deal with it at the moment, she mused. Stop! She screamed internally, Fake it until you make it, don’t show weakness and sod them all, you will be fine! In that mindset now, Elle straightened up and pulled her shoulders back, with her head held high she carried on with a new determination.

Today is the day Elle had long been looking forward to, although her anxiety was through the roof, today, Elle goes back to work. Before Elle had her children she lived to work, it took a tumble when she met her Daughters Father, she almost gave up on living during that relationship. Pushing the images from her head she continued walking but her anxiety was building. 10 years, it’s such a bloody long time. Am I seriously doing this? What if I screw this up? How the hell can I tell anyone oh yeah, I got fired because I wasn’t good enough?  I can imagine the ridicule, they will all be waiting to say they knew it wouldn't last. Oh s**t, what if my boss is a pompus, dictating, power tripping. egotistical numbskull? No! What if the office girls are all young and bitchy? Okay seriously now STOP! Sod them all, your best is always good enough. If it doesn’t work out then it wasn’t for you! They need you more than you need them, you know you are good enough! This is bloody exhausting, I can see it's going to be a long day already! After that internal battle, she thought back to the excitement of getting ready that morning, when she surprisingly had confidence. She decided on a dark grey trouser suit and matched it with a light blue shirt, that way she could wear her black boots that wouldn’t hurt her feet. Elle looked at herself in the mirror, she had shoulder length, straight chocolate hair, it naturally had red streaks, leaving it down it brought out her emerald green eyes making them really pop. Elle loved her eyes as they were as expressive as they were mesmerizing, they were the perfect size for her oval face and her olive skin always had a healthy glow. Elle didn’t like the rest of her body, she was short in height at only 5ft 1inch and although she wasn't large, there was nothing Elle could do as she was born with a larger frame, when she was at her skinniest (UK size 10) Elle looked skeletal but there was no in between Her ribs showed at a size 12 but currently she was a size 14. She either looked larger than most or at death's door, for now she looked healthy and had curves most would pay through the nose to have but, all Elle could see was that she wasn’t toned so she felt fat. She decided on light make up just to accentuate her natural beauty and cover the dark circles under her eyes. She looked smart and it had been a long while since she had taken any pride in her appearance.

Elle hadn’t realised it but, she was already halfway to the office. She stopped in at an artisan coffee shop she normally went to on the odd occasion she got a couple of hours to herself, it was her special treat where she could escape life for that short period of time. The staff adored her, on her first visit to that coffee shop her smile rubbed off on them straight away, she was polite and thankful to them knowing that they were busy. When they had a minute she would ask how they were feeling and they could see she genuinely cared how they were feeling, she would crack some jokes and listen if things were too much for them, they thought a lot of her, she would stick up for them if a customer was being mean, one time it got so out of hand she yelled “ENOUGH!” Everyone stopped and the atmosphere instantly went from escalated to calm, the customer was a gnarly haired middle aged man who was pompous and actually threatened the barista Kevin with violence because he hadn’t added the sugar to his espresso. Gnarly hair was shocked but couldn’t say anything, it was as if he were stuck in place and had no choice but to listen to Elle. Elle glared at him and stated that he was capable of going over to the condiment and sugar counter to do it himself as that was what it was there for, she suggested he didn't take his frustrations out on others and it had shown his personality. She pointed out that the barista was there to help and she then pointed to the queue behind him stating that it was inconsiderate for him to demand something after the order when he could do it himself. He had scurried off to the condiment and sugar counter to do it himself, Elle asked the waitress to get the manager so she could explain the situation and find out why the manager hadn't been around to back up the staff. Gnarly hair hadn't been seen since and the staff loved her for it.

“Good morning Elle” greeted Kevin, “usual?” He asked. “Yes please Kevin, but I need it to go” she replied smiling. They made small talk while he got her caramel latte ready, the smell of coffee always calmed Elle but she wasn’t sure why, most people wouldn’t feel happy and calm with the smell but Elle couldn’t get enough of it. The coffee shop was named Artigo and it was small with a few upcycled sofas and chairs with tables, some were low, it was a mismatch but worked alongside the deep wooden flooring and orange walls. The light shone through the floor to ceiling windows, without that Elle doubted people would walk out in one piece after falling all over the furniture, it was dark already with the window but, very relaxing. Towards the back tables there were a few lamps scattered  around, it was darker the further into the shop that you went so the lamps were absolutely needed. Brian walked behind the counter, he was far more hands on in the past eight months from what the staff told Elle, he was 6ft tall, slim build with close cropped hair and a five ‘o’ clock shadow, he recently upgraded his wardrobe and now wears trousers with a shirt and shoes rather than the old converse, jeans and t-shirts he used to wear. Jay one of the other servers thinks it is to do with the new owner who happens to be female. “Elle, that’s on the house. You are going to smash it today” Brian said smiling, she had told him about the job when she was in Friday last week. Elle felt her chest tighten at the thought that she was being given something for free, if she ever had anything given to her it would be thrown in her face regardless of what she gave, she would never use her giving to make someone feel inferior but she had it done to her over and over again. Brian tilted his head to the side slightly confused but Elle covered her emotions crawling out of her head and said, “thank you Brian, you really shouldn’t have but, it is appreciated and very kind of you.” Elle genuinely appreciated it and she didn’t want to offend them, it was small gesture and it wasn’t their fault that she felt that way, she had to have some faith in people. She tipped well and knew they weren’t doing it to throw it in her face, she just had to get out of her head or she would likely come across as ungrateful. She left with a smile of thanks and continued her journey to the office.

As she turned into the city area Elle was thinking, it is a good day, she had managed to overcome a great deal of her anxiety by thinking logically, it is a constant internal battle that left her drained. She put her now empty coffee cup in the recycling and turned around then walked straight into a wall. It wasn’t, but it may as well have been. “Ow!” she exclaimed. As she backed up slightly, she checked the man's clothing to make sure she didn't get any make up on his crisp white shirt. Oh my gosh, I would die if he had a face on that, faced with a dry cleaning bill I could do without. She thought, thankfully there was none. His chest is so broad and flipping heck it is hard. Bet he’s an absolute plonker she thought. “I’m really sorry, I was in too much of a rush and should have paid attention” she said, her tone was apologetic. She was just starting to look up as she caught sight of his tanned skin along his neckline, his skin was smooth in a ruggish way. Wow, did I just purr?  She held her breath as she carried her eye assault of him upwards, she seen his jaw line was breathtakingly sharp, his cheekbones were high and he smiled the most magnificent smile but when she reached his eyes she nearly gasped, he had the most stunning hazel eyes with brilliant flecks of green she had ever come across. It was as though an autumn forest was in his eyes and they were... ...enticing, she released her breath slowly. Without breaking eye contact, she apologised again “I am genuinely sorry, are you okay?” She asked. He looked at her confused, his smile faded slightly, his hair looked like strong coffee, bet he’s bold she thought, his hair was cropped and it completely helped his eyes stand out. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” She asked again. Yep, complete plonker, probably had his head up his backside for so long, it must be lowly for someone to walk into him and then have the audacity to apologise she mused. He seemed to snap out of his confusion and smiled “I am fine, thank you, I was just thinking about work” he replied and her heart started picking up the pace in her chest, he sounded like he could command a room with his deep voice that surprisingly, made her think of honey. Elle gave a genuine smile and said “Okay, well I hope it flies by for you, have a good day” and she dashed off to get a breath. Elle has been surrounded by males for most of her life but she hasn’t had a pull like that towards anyone like that before, she wasn't expecting her heart to pick up its pace at his smile. Her knee jerk reaction towards any male is to find fault as soon as she can, it is a survival instinct for her to preserve herself. Elle was shaken, it had been many years since she had anything near to a pull towards anyone so she knew it would be a while before the memory fades. "At least I don't have to see him again, I probably only feel that way because I haven't had a relationship in a long time. Mind you I don't want one" she told herself. She racked up two confused looks off of a couple who gave her a wide birth, she chuckled and carried on her journey thinking I must work on my poker face.

Elle looked up at the modern building structure, it was fitting with the skyline buildings surrounding it. It was a sandstone colour and had floor to ceiling windows, from where she was standing it was magnificent and dripped money. She took a couple of deep breaths and crossed the road to head into the building. It’s now or never she thought.