Wingless and Beautiful

Chapter One

Chapter One

Suriel – angel of healing, whose name means “God’s command.”

“Come on, wake up, sleepyhead!” I heard my aunt’s voice as she snatched the headphones away from my head.

I struggled to open my eyes. I looked at my wristwatch. It was one in the afternoon. I slept in again and I knew Meredith hated that. But sometimes, I couldn’t help it. It was hard for me to sleep at nights. In the dark, the nightmares got worse. I couldn’t sleep with the lights out now. But even with the lights on, I still found myself waking up in the middle of the night, screaming as the memories of the pain I had experienced during that night come back to me, making me retreat, and curl up in fear and misery.

Meredith stared at the dark circles under my eyes and smiled apologetically. “I told you… some counseling can help you, sweetheart. Really. I can afford a few sessions.”

I shook my head. Meredith is my mother’s younger sister. She just graduated from college when she got the call that changed her life forever. She found out that instead of looking for a job and exploring the world like she originally planned, she had to move to a strange town to take care of me.

I felt guilty for what happened to her, too. She was just a kid out of school, and now she had to grow up faster than she first intended to so she could make ends meet and take care of a troubled teenager like me.

“That’s not necessary, Meredith,” I said. She didn’t want to be called aunt. She said it would make her feel old. “We’re already struggling to get by each day. I don’t want you to waste your hard-earned money to pay somebody who will only eat donuts and drink coffee while I lie on the couch and talk about things I would rather forget.”

She came to sit beside me. “At least… that person can prescribe pills that can help you… fall asleep.”

“I already have something for that,” I said, with a wide smile on my face. “Your manuscripts!”

She glared at me. “How dare you go through my things?” She hit me with a pillow.

“I’m kidding!” I said, laughing.

Meredith was an aspiring writer. One day, when I had nothing to do in the house, I went to her room and decided to be useful for once and cleaned up. I found some of her manuscripts and read them. She was actually pretty good but I thought none of the stuff she wrote was PG-15.

 “I’m going out,” she said. “I have to be in CRC in an hour’s time.”

“Alright. I’ll just be here,” I said to her. As always, I added in my head.

She looked at me apologetically. She stared at my face for a while.

Two guesses which part of my face she was staring at.

It was my scar. The one on the right side of my face, between my cheekbone and my ear, and ran down all the way to my jaw. I immediately felt self-conscious. The skin was damaged and the scar was horrendous. I was told that I was lucky my stepdad only let the chemical trickle on the side of my cheek, and it didn’t go further on the other parts of my face. I was luckier it didn’t hit my eye.

Even before that tragic night, we didn’t really live a charmed life, so there was no way I could afford plastic surgery.

I combed my hair to the side to hide the scar from Meredith’s view. That way, nobody would know how damaged I really was.

Meredith sighed and asked, “Why don’t you come with me?”

I stared back at her. “Why?”

She shrugged. “The kids at the center could use a little encouragement.”

I smirked. “From me? Seriously? Have you met me lately?”

“I don’t know how you do this, Alice. I would have been…” She trailed off then she said, “You always look and sound positive, nobody will be able to guess what happened to you that night.”

“By that you mean, I still look charming, nobody will really be able to guess that I was Scarface in real life?”

“No, silly!” she replied. “Not that. I meant… you still laugh a lot, joke a lot. Nobody would guess what really happened to you. I would have been… devastated. Some kids from the center would be able to learn a lot from you.”

“Really?” I was quite uncertain about what she was saying.

She nodded. “Some of them didn’t even go through half the stuff you’ve been through and yet, they lost the will to live.”

“I don’t know, Mer. This may very well backfire.”

She shrugged. “Well, in any case, you could use a change of scenery. The institution has beautiful landscaped grounds, a library, a game room and best of all… a music room.”

I stared up at her. “Music room, huh?”

Meredith looked like she really wanted me to come. Not just because she thought I would be able to help the other people there. But because she thought it would help me to see those who stayed in the center… the ones who were as broken as I was.

I stood up from my bed. “I’ll just shower,” I said.

She beamed at me. “You will like it there, Al.”

Forty minutes later, Meredith was parking her beaten-up Volkswagen in one of the open parking spaces in CRC.

CRC actually stands for Campbell Rehabilitation Center. It was a huge estate in our town, with a big, white façade and a number of different gardens and smaller structures around it. CRC is a place for the less-than-perfect residents of our town. Some stay there for a couple of weeks for little problems such as broken bones that require physical rehabilitation. And yet, some stay for months, maybe even years because they require more intensive rehab… such as those who are terminal, or have head trauma that caused amnesia, or victims of violence… like me.

I did not expect CRC to look like a big park or playground. There were a lot of people in the front garden, chatting and playing. It looked more like a campus than a rehab center.

“It’s nice, isn’t it?” Meredith asked as we walked towards the lobby.

“The board that manages this wanted the people who come here to feel normal. They wanted this to be a refuge for all those who needed help. The environment is relaxed. There’s an open-door policy for most visitors. There are a lot of recreational activities, and treatments are coupled with sports and play.”

“And you brought me here because you thought I needed to be around these people? So I won’t feel bad about myself?” I asked her bluntly.

Meredith thought carefully before she answered, “No one should have to go through what you went through and be… okay.” She didn’t disguise the weary in her tone.

“I knew it!” I whispered under my breath. I shook my head. “I’m not going to be a burden to you or anybody, Meredith. I know I’m only sixteen. That dreadful day was more than a year ago. Can’t you just trust me when I say that… I’m okay? I don’t need a damn shrink!” I was trying to keep my emotions under control. “I’m fine!”

“I’m sorry.” Tears were starting to well up in her eyes.

“Oh geez, Mer. Don’t cry!” I said, squeezing my temples with my fingers. I haven’t cried in a long time. After that night, I haven’t cried at all. I don’t like seeing people sad, especially not because of me. I meant what I said to her. Life goes on. We just need to keep moving forward. That’s what I keep telling myself each night—in spite of the nightmares. I need to keep moving forward.

Meredith wiped the tears on her cheeks with her fingers. “I’m sorry, Alice. I just… want to do more for you.”

I smiled at her ruefully. “And you are. You don’t have to worry so much.”

She took a deep breath. “I hear you at nights, Alice. You scream in your sleep,” she said in a broken voice. “You do it almost every night. I’m getting worried.”

I sighed. She wasn’t supposed to know that. I never told her that it was hard for me to sleep at nights and when I do manage to drift off, the nightmares never fail to chase me.

“You need to talk to somebody about this, Alice.”

I nodded slightly. “Yeah. But not a shrink,” I said. “I’m not screwed up in the head, Mer.”

“Not all people who see a shrink are screwed up.”

“Well, because most of the time, those who go to one are rich. And if you’re rich, you aren’t called crazy; you’re called… eccentric.”

Meredith sighed. “You could talk to me, you know.”

“I do talk to you,” I argued. “Just not about…” I trailed off, not wanting to continue… well, not really wanting to remember. Some memories are better left forgotten.

“School is starting in a couple of months,” she said. “They extended your scholarship.”

“Yeah. I’ll bet Leighton High wouldn’t miss the opportunity to use that for publicity. You know… for their social responsibility initiatives. I’m a walking charity case,” I murmured.

Meredith shook her head. “No. They didn’t do that for charity. They extended your scholarship because they know you’re brilliant.” She smiled at me encouragingly. “And maybe it’s time for you to be around kids your age. You should be out having fun with friends.”

“I don’t really have friends.” That was true. We moved to this city a few months before my stepfather went… cuckoo. I got a scholarship at Leighton High, the town’s most prestigious institution, where the most privileged kids in town study.

My stepdad was earning a decent living then. But he lost some money to gambling. Then he went into drug abuse. And everything was history… yeah, like literally history. We were featured on the town paper for weeks!

My brighter days weren’t enough time and opportunity to make friends. I had a few acquaintances but they all either moved to another city or they just didn’t feel like being friends with the scar-faced girl, who had a drug addict for a stepdad and a… murderer for a mom.

“Then hang around here once in a while,” she said. “There are kids here the same age as you. And like you… they’re looking for friends too. You didn’t want to speak to a shrink. Okay. Maybe you should make friends. Speak to them. It will help, I’m sure.”

I nodded. I didn’t really believe her. But I just didn’t want to make her feel worse than she already did. Meredith was trying hard enough for both of us. The least that I could do was make her feel that I was cooperating with her when she was struggling to keep it together.

“Okay,” I agreed. “Now, do you really want me to hang around with you? Or can I just… take a stroll around this place?”

She nodded. “Go ahead. I’ll meet you here after three hours.”

“Cool,” I murmured and then I turned around to walk away.

I didn’t really know where I was going. But I figured, I hadn’t been out of the house much in the last couple of months, I should just explore freely. I was in solitude, just staying in, doing school stuff. The teachers were kind enough to allow me to do my schoolwork without necessarily being in the school. Meredith picked up my modules and I studied at home. When I was required to take a test in the classroom, I showed up for a couple of hours… aced my exams and then I went back home.

I strolled in one of the gardens. The shrubs were well-trimmed and the flowers were in full bloom. As I inhaled the fresh air, I thought to myself… maybe I could take my ‘solitude’ outdoors this time around.

I strolled further into the back of the huge estate. I found a path that led to an orchard hidden behind the building. I didn’t know where it would take me, but I didn’t really care. For the first time, I was enjoying the rays of the sun against my skin and the refreshing breath of nature. I could hear the birds chirping somewhere from a distance. The orchard was surrounded by very tall trees and the path was covered by dried leaves and flowers.

I looked at the sky. It was light blue… clear and serene. And I felt a sense of peace within me. Here… it felt safe. Like nothing could touch me… or hurt me. Not even my nightmares.

I continued walking, admiring the scenery around me. Then all of a sudden, I collided into something solid. I shrieked. I was afraid that the impact was going to cause me to fall flat on my butt. But for some reason, I felt something envelop me, keeping me warm, and preventing my fall.

I stared up at what I collided into, which was still holding me close.

I found myself staring at a pair of sunglasses. It took me a moment to realize that it was a boy. His skin was light and flawless. His jaw was strong and his nose was perfect. Only when he raised a brow and gave me a look of annoyance that I realized I had been staring.

“Geez,” he said. “The last time I checked, I was the one who’s blind.” I heard the trace of anger and frustration in his smooth voice.

He settled me on my feet and I pulled away from him.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I wasn’t… looking.”

“Neither was I,” he muttered. “But unlike you… I didn’t really have a choice.”

“What…” I started asking. Then I remembered him saying something about being blind. “Oh. You’re… blind?” I asked.

He raised a brow again. “And you’re deaf?”

Okay. He’s arrogant too!

But as he went down on his knees to feel the ground for the walking stick that he dropped when he collided into me, I couldn’t help feeling sorry for him. I immediately bent down and reached for the stick to help him.

“Don’t!” he said in a sharp voice.

I stopped and stared at him. He looked like he was staring back at me under those sleek sports sunglasses of his. But I know he couldn’t really see me.

“I was just… trying… to help,” I stammered.

“I don’t need your help,” he said in the cockiest tone I had ever heard in months.

He was the first person to ever snap at me in almost a year. After that tragic night, everybody spoke to me gently, sympathetically, I could almost always hear the pity tears in their voices.

I had this sudden urge to cripple this guy, but then I stopped myself. Losing your sight is one of the worst things that can happen to anyone.

He touched the ground again and finally he felt the stick in his hand. He stood up and started walking slowly. He walked past me, dismissing me.

I watched him. He looked sure of what he was doing, like he had the path memorized at the back of his mind. I saw him take a turn towards the right and I got curious. I kept my distance as I followed him.

The trees on the new path were much closer to each other and the branches almost closed over the sky. Only a couple of rays of sunlight were able to make it through the grounds. And then, I saw that the path led to a beautiful lake.

The place was magnificent and quiet. It was like an entirely different world out there. I couldn’t help feeling at peace. The place was so serene; it felt almost ethereal.

I continued walking, enjoying the sight around me. Suddenly, I collided into a solid surface again. I realized that the boy had stopped walking, and I closed the distance between us because I was no longer watching where I was going.

“Well, hello, clumsy!” he muttered.

“So-sorry,” I murmured.

He turned around to face me. “Why are you even following me?”

“I wasn’t,” I said defensively.

“Hello, liar!”

“Okay… I was curious,” I admitted. “I mean… why would somebody like you stray so far from the center?”

“Somebody like me?” he echoed, and his voice sounded like he really found that offensive. Then he replied, “So I would not be bothered by somebody like you.”

I sighed. This guy sounded like he hated it if somebody pointed out or even mentioned his condition. But he couldn’t deny that. He was blind. How could he be brave enough to go as far as this place without somebody looking out for him?

“I didn’t mean to offend you,” I said. “But… well, shouldn’t somebody be looking out for you? You could get lost or you could trip over something.”

He didn’t speak for a while. But when he spoke, his voice sounded serious. “I don’t need anybody. I’ll be just… fine.” There was emphasis on the last word.

“Alright,” I said. Then I turned to the line of trees in front of us. A few feet away, I saw a bench and a wooden table. It was right there in the center of the woods, in the middle of the trees, facing the lake. I walked past the guy and went to the bench. I heard a groan behind me.

“Can you… go back to where you came from?” he asked.

“Nope,” I replied. “Why? It’s beautiful out here.”

“And now you’ve ruined it!” he muttered.

I turned back to him and started glaring. I knew he couldn’t see me anyway so I could make faces all I wanted.

Just then, I saw his lips curve into a small grin. “You’re glaring, aren’t you?” he asked.

My eyes widened. I had to wave my hand in front of me to check if he really couldn’t see. But his head didn’t move at all. He just stood there, smirking.

“And now you’re waving your hand in front of me to check if I couldn’t really see,” he said. He sighed, “Well, I wish!”

“How in the—”

“I just know,” he replied, not letting me finish my question. He walked slowly towards the bench. Then he sat down slowly, placing his walking stick in front of him. I sat down beside him and stared at the swans swimming in front of us. I’ve always thought that swans were regal creatures—beautiful and magnificent.

“You’re not going to leave, are you?” he asked.

The place was too peaceful and it provided the comfort I didn’t even know I was looking for. And also… suddenly, I didn’t feel like leaving him behind. What if something happened to him and no one found him?

“Nope,” I replied.

He let out a sigh of frustration.

I groaned. “Come on! You can just ignore me. I won’t talk. It’s not like you can see me, anyway!”

The second that left my mouth I regretted it.

Nice shot, Alice! That was really sensitive! And not mean at all!

“I’m… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he said, to my surprise. “It’s not like it isn’t true, you know. And it’s not your fault I am like this.”

I bit my lower lip. I kept quiet this time. I directed my attention to the swans in front of us.

“How many are they?” he asked.

I counted the swans in my head. I could feel my heart slightly breaking for him. He came here—in this little piece of heaven—and he didn’t even see the magnificent view before him, and the wonderful creatures that played in front of him.

“Six,” I replied.

He nodded slightly.

“Did you know what they are?”

He nodded again. “I’ve always admired them. I grew up in my family’s lake house and we always had swans. Back then, I didn’t care how beautiful they were. Had I known my time to admire their beauty was limited, I would have stopped at least one minute every day just to look at them.”

When I heard him say that, I felt like he was not just talking about the swans anymore; he was talking about life in general. And I have to say I feel exactly the same.

I thought I had a lot of time too. I thought that life was going to be as perfect as it always had been. I thought I would always have the things that I didn’t worry about losing before. Now… they were just mere memories. And no matter how much I tried… how hard I prayed… I could never get them back.

“So what’s wrong with you?” he asked, interrupting my thoughts.

“What?” I asked back.

“Okay, I think I know what,” he said, smirking.

It took me a moment to realize that he was actually joking. I looked at his face and it was the first time that I realized how handsome he was. His skin was smooth, flawless. His hair, the darkest shade of blond, it actually looked light brown. He has these aristocratic features that made him look angelic and devilish at the same time.

“I’m not deaf,” I finally said to him. “And I’m not from here.”

“So what brought you to the world of the freaks if nothing’s wrong with you?”

My lips curved into a smile. He was not the only one with a sense of humor so I said, “I actually escaped from an institution that houses dangerously insane individuals. I haven’t slaughtered anyone in a long time and I’m just… dying for a kill right now. I thought CRC is a good place to look for a prey.”

He turned towards my direction. I expected him to run away or wave his walking stick towards me as a means to defend himself. But, instead, he raised his hands in the air and said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out.”

He was either calling my bluff or he just didn’t care about his life anymore.

“I was kidding, you know,” I said.

“I know. You don’t strike me as dangerous. Mental, maybe. But harmless, nonetheless,” he said. “But then again… if you weren’t kidding, I’m not stopping you either.”

“Seriously, what’s wrong with you?” I asked.

He sighed. “If you’ve lost as much as I did… there’s nothing much going on for you.”

I sighed. Who was he to talk about losing a lot in life? I lost everything and yet… the only thing I did was cave in… keep it all inside me, because that was the only way I knew how to survive. Repress the memories. Run away from the nightmare and the pain. But I never thought about giving up the fight. It never even crossed my mind.

“You’re not the only one who lost a lot in life,” I argued, misery enveloping my voice. I don’t know if he noticed.

“But at least you could still see the things you have left,” he argued back.

I took a deep breath. “Seeing them is not always a gift,” I murmured. “Because it also reminds you of the things that you can never see anymore. It will always remind you of the things that you used to have… the people who used to be with you and were… not there anymore.”

For a long while he fell silent, absorbing the words I just said. Then he asked, “What’s your name?”

“Allison. Allison Harley,” I replied. “What’s yours?”

“Hunter Vaughn.” He extended his hand to me.

I reached forward and shook it. “Nice to meet you, Hunter.”

After a while, we were both quiet again. I was staring at the view in front of us… Hunter was listening to every sound around him.

I couldn’t help feeling safe here… in this place. It looked like a different world for me. And it gave me the real peace that I had been craving for, for more than a year.

I didn’t mind that I was not alone. Hunter was lost in his thoughts, too. And he never interrupted mine.

I felt comfortable that way. No one was looking at me and whispering behind my back. No one around me was curious about the scars I was hiding and the horrific story behind them. I was not being judged or pitied on. I was not being pressured to open up about the things I bottled up inside.

No one was telling me that it was okay for me to cry… saying that they felt sorry for me and they understood exactly how I felt… because hell! They didn’t! They did not go through the things I went through. They didn’t go through all the pain and the abuse. They weren’t rescued from that nightmare only to wake up and find out that another one was just beginning.

No one was telling me that everything was going to be just fine… because how could it be? The two people I loved the most in the world were gone. Things will never be the same. Things were most certainly not going to be okay!

My phone suddenly rang, interrupting my thoughts. It was Meredith.

“Alice, where are you? It’s time to go home. I have to finish some reports.”

“Okay. Meet you in the parking lot in a few minutes,” I replied.

I turned to Hunter. Although he was not looking at me directly, his face was inclined to my direction, indicating that he was listening.

“That was my aunt,” I said. “I have to go.”

He stood up from the bench and gathered his walking stick. “I’ll walk you back.”

I found his statement both endearing and surprising. For a guy in his state to offer chivalry was indeed… rare.

“Really… it’s okay,” I said. “I can make it back.”

“Nonsense. You might get lost,” he insisted, and this time, I heard amusement in his voice.

We walked side by side in silence. With all fairness to Hunter, he didn’t look like he needed a walking stick at all; he looked agile and it seemed like he memorized every step of the path.

“How often do you come here?” I asked.

“At least two times a day… for the last two hundred days,” he replied.

“No wonder you’ve memorized the way. How did you even discover it?”

“Did you hear anybody say that when you lose one sense, your other senses try to make up for it? I didn’t know it was true until I got to experience it.”

“If… if you don’t mind me asking… how long have you been…” I trailed off.

“Almost a year,” he replied. I didn’t miss the bitterness in his voice.

I couldn’t help reaching out for his hand and squeezing it. “I’m sorry,” I said very gently.

He squeezed my hand back. “I am too.”

I released his hand and we walked in silence again. We finally reached the grounds of the center.

“It was nice meeting you, Hunter Vaughn.”

“It was nice meeting you too, Allison Harley.” He paused for a while and asked, “You said, you weren’t from here. So what were you doing here? Were you visiting someone?”

“No,” I replied. “My aunt volunteers here at least twice a week. Today, she pestered me to come with her. She was afraid that if I don’t talk to anybody soon, I would… lose it.”

“They don’t understand that if they force you to lose the lid on the emotions you bottle up inside… you actually will end up losing it,” he said, but I knew he was speaking about his own emotions… not mine.

I realized that Hunter and I… we’re not so different. We were both angry. And staying away from the world of people with perfect lives was the only way we knew how to cope up with the pain. Repressing misery and keeping it at bay were the only way we could get hold of the rage that we felt inside.

“Will you come back tomorrow, Allison?” he asked.

I nodded even though I know he couldn’t see me.

For some reason, he knew what my answer was. I saw a faint smile cross his face. “Then you know where to find me,” he said before he turned to walk back inside the building.