Hopeful Hearts

ONE

[One]

When people say that love can make you do some crazy things you didn't usually do, I guess they were all stating a fact. In love, you can do the right things, but there's also a probability that you can do a wrong thing that you think to be the best or right. Like what I did...

Since young, I was taught to never fake my feelings —to be always true to myself. I was taught to be honest. And never thought in my entire life that I can break all those teachings just because I fell in love.

It wasn't my intention to lie and hide what I truly felt, it's just that I cannot afford to confess my feelings because I'm afraid that this romantic feeling of mine would end the friendship that I have been treasuring in my entire 19 years of existence.

It was hard, yes, but I have to do this. Kung kapalit ng hindi ko pag-amin sa tunay kong nadarama ay ang makasama siya ng mas matagal pa, ayos lang. Kahit hanggang kaibigan lang ako, ayos lang...

"You came," untag ni Jared nang makarating ako sa pang-pang na pinag-usapan naming dalawa kahapon.

Ngumiti ako sa kanya at pinagmasdan siyang mabuti.

The moon's brightness illuminated in his whole feature, making him look soft and delicate from my sight. This is actually what I like about this man, he's not the same with others. Jared has soft features that every woman could envy. His skin is even much fairer than mine. His lips are way redder compare to my paled pairs of lips. His nose is perfectly sculptured, unlike mine na parang isang maliit na pito —but I like my nose, it's cute.

"I'm glad to see you again," I uttered.

It's been two long years since I and my best friend are apart from each other. He went abroad and just came back here to look for a job.

Smiling sweetly, he patted the empty space beside him. "Sit," he said.

Umupo ako sa tabi niya, but I wasn't expecting the next thing he did. The heartbeat that I've been controlling earlier has gone wild now because of his tight embrace. I stilled for a moment before I finally snake my arms around him. Ang higpit ng yakap niya, pero hindi nakakasakal. I can even feel the warmth from his embrace.

"I have been missing you the whole time, Marie."

Dumagundong na naman ang puso ko sa kaba. I have been missing him too.

The moment we freed ourselves from the embrace, ay ngumiti siya sa akin. He gave me the purest smile he could offer.

I smiled back, trying so hard to swallow the overflowing emotions of my heart. I want to hug him more. But as a friend who one-sidedly loves him, I refrain myself from hugging him more. I have to set him free from my hug because he's not mine.

Matapos ang kamustahan naming dalawa ay nahiga ako sa damu. The stars are twinkling so brightly —like they were rejoicing with us.

I pouted. Then silently, I thanked God for this special night.

"Marie," Jared calls me softly.

I looked at him. Nakaupo siya ngayon habang nakatingala sa langit.

When they said that nature is God's greatest painting, I never doubt that, but never did I thought Jared could look so great in my eyes. For me, he is the greatest art that God let me see.

Palihim akong napangiti. God even let me see almost the soul of Jared, but he never let me have a grip even a strand of his soul. I smiled bitterly to myself. Truly, there are just some things in this world that are for our eyes only. Gaya ni Jared. Siya ang bagay na sa tingin ko lang pwedeng angkinin.

"Bakit?" tanong ko na lang kay Jared.

"Why are you still single till now?"

Nahigit ko bigla ang hininga ko dahil sa naging tanong niya. Bahagya akong natigilan. Ilang sandali ay natawa ako.

"Seriously? So my status really bothers you, huh? Funny!" I asked teasingly.

But the smile in my face slowly faded the moment I saw how serious his face. I bit my lower lip. Dumadundong nang husto ang puso ko. Gusto kong mag-iwas ng tingin sa kanya pero hindi ko magawa dahil parang hinihigop ng mga mata niya ang natitira kong inerhiya sa katawan.

"Nah, look, you're the most caring, loving, and honest person I've ever met-"

I cut him off. Kumurap-kurap ako upang maitago ang tunay kong nadarama. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin.

"It's because I'm not Selena Gomez nor Taylor Swift." And because I'm in love with the person I can never have. Muntik ko ng maidugtong ang bagay na iyon kung hindi lang ako natauhan.

What I have said is still a fact, but not the whole truth.

I heard him chuckled kaya mas tinuon ko na lang ang buo kong atensyon sa langit. Dahil takot akong matupok sa mga tingin niyang mapanuya at nanunudyo.

"Eh? They're celebrities, you're different, you're Marie, who has a good heart!"

I laughed softly, still staring the sky above.

I snapped my fingers. "That's it!" I said. My heart clenched. Ang sakit. "I only have a good heart, never had the good looks," I added.

Isa siguro sa rason kung bakit hindi niya ako magustuhan pabalik dahil sa itsura ko. I never had the good looks... Or maybe I am beautiful but it's not enough to capture a man's attention.

"You are beautiful," he said.

Binaling ko sa kanya ang tingin ko. Ngumiti na lang ako nang payak.

"Ikaw lang ang nagsabi niyan," wika ko. "Kung maganda ako, bakit walang nagkakagusto sa akin?" dagdag ko pa.

"Meron namang nagkakagusto sa 'yo."

I glued my eyes at him as I let my heart cheer for him. Sobrang bilis ng kabog ng dibdib ko habang pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko na huminga.

"Sino?" halos pabulong ko ng tanong.

Nagkatitigan kami. Hindi ko mabasa ang kung ano man ang nasa isipan niya. But I think I just saw his eyes glimmers to some emotion I couldn't name. Before I could decipher what's inside him, he looked away already. Kasabay ng pag-iwas ng tingin niya ay ang pag-ahon ng kaunting pag-asa sa puso ko.

"Si Ronald. Gusto ka niya, hindi ba?" Tila bulang pumutok ang pag-asa ko kanina.

Nginiti ko na lang ang pait at sakit na nadarama. Tipid akong ngumiti kahit hindi siya nakatingin sa akin.

"Yeah. He likes me, but that was two years ago." And I rejected him because you already occupied my heart.

I wanted to tell him that. I wanted to confess, pero umuurong ang dila ko dahil natatakot ako. Natatakot ako na baka pag-umamin ako, layuan niya ako. I can't afford to lose him.

Kahit hanggang kaibigang ako, ayos lang.

But my heart is hoping that he might feel that I am into him. Na sana mabatid niya sa sarili niya na ang dahilan kung bakit nanatili akong single ay dahil sa kanya...

Although I am not expecting us to be an item, pero ang puso ko patuloy pa rin na humihiling na sana maging kami nga...

"Tayo na. Masyado ng malalim ang gabi," paanyaya ko saka bumangon at tumayo. Sumunod naman siya sa akin at saka ako inakbayan. Napangiti na lang ako.

As long as I'm breathing, my heart will always hope. Always, even if there's no assurance. Dahil kaakibat ng pagmamahal ang pag-asa sa mga bagay na walang kasiguraduhan.

To be continued...