Our Little Life

Chapter 6

Noah sat at the battered mahogany table out on the long, covered porch of their beach-front house close to the more salubrious end of Port Royal, which unfortunately happened to be within sight of Fort Charles squatting up on the headland. This meant they were rather closer to the English authorities than was altogether comfortable. But it was never possible to have everything, he had long accepted that. He glanced up at Sam sifting through a small stack of letters, his skin browned by the sun, chestnut hair sun-streaked, looking healthy and happy … and loved. Noah returned to his ledger only to look up again a minute or two later when Sam groaned. ‘What, Lad?’

‘Christ. Holy Christ.’ He stared down at the letter he had dropped as though it burnt him. All colour had left his face. ‘Susannah … I don’t. I–’ He held it out for Noah to read.

Cheapside

CheapsideAugust 17, 1676

August 17, 1676My dearest Sam.

My dearest Sam.Raphael and I are married and happy beyond anything either of us could ever have dreamed of.

Raphael and I are married and happy beyond anything either of us could ever have dreamed of.And, dearest Sam, we will have a child as soon as possible …

And, dearest Sam, we will have a child as soon as possible …Noah scanned on through domestic detail and news of Sam’s father, trying to find what could possibly have shocked him in such a way.

… So, my Sam, there is something I have to say to you. First, I must tell you that Penny lives with us here now because she is my daughter and not my sister – she calls me Mama and Raphael Papa though, of course, he is her stepfather, though very happy to be so. Well, I don’t quite know how to tell you this, dearest Sam, but you are her father.

So, my Sam, there is something I have to say to you. First, I must tell you that Penny lives with us here now because she is my daughter and not my sister – she calls me Mama and Raphael Papa though, of course, he is her stepfather, though very happy to be so. Well, I don’t quite know how to tell you this, dearest Sam, but you are her father.I hope I have not shocked you too much. I only wish we could talk of it now but fate has been unkind in that regard. She will know you are her natural papa when she is old enough to understand it, and I pray one day you might meet again as father and daughter.

I hope I have not shocked you too much. I only wish we could talk of it now but fate has been unkind in that regard. She will know you are her natural papa when she is old enough to understand it, and I pray one day you might meet again as father and daughter.Until then, I hope you can take comfort from her joy at having a mama and papa of her own now.

Until then, I hope you can take comfort from her joy at having a mama and papa of her own now.I love you my dearest,

I love you my dearest,Always your Sukie.

Always your Sukie.Noah handed the letter back to Sam. ‘Christ, Laddie.’ He shook his head. ‘Does it make any sense to you?’

Sam took a long breath. ‘Of course it does. I think I told you of my one experience–’

‘With Susannah Gresham? Holy God, Sam.’ How could he have got her with child and not known? From all he had heard of their years together, they had been more or less inseparable.

Sam seemed to read his mind. ‘How could I not have not known? It is a good question with a shameful answer.’ He scrubbed at his face, looking out across the water ruffled and aglitter in the afternoon sun.

Noah stood and pulled up another chair close beside him. ‘Do you want to tell me?’

‘No. But I think I shall have to.’ He sighed. ‘It was once, only. I told you that–’

‘Not good enough, Laddie. Not by a long way. I know about you and Susannah. I know you loved her … you love her still. You didn’t suddenly stop being all but her brother to throw her onto your bed and r**e her, now did you. So, either tell me or don’t. But there is a child from it so don’t try to pretend it was nothing.’ What the hell was he doing sounding so judgmental before he had even given him a chance to speak? All right, it had shocked him, but he should know by now when to hold his tongue.

Sam stood. ‘Then, as you’ve so generously given me the choice, I believe I shall not tell you, Sir.’ He scooped up the letter, tucking it inside his shirt, before running down the steps onto the beach.

Noah brought his fist down onto the table, watching him go. ‘Christ’s f*****g wounds.’ He should have left him to tell it as he wished. What in the name of God was wrong with him? Now he must give the lad some time to understand it himself before going after him. He paced for a while, too short a while he knew, and then set off to follow Sam along the beach.

He found him sitting on a low bough sweeping out over the white sand, the flame tree covered in blossom. When he sat down beside him, though the perch groaned and dipped, it held. ‘Forgive me. Tell me as much or as little as you like. I’ve no business pressing you … or judging you.’

Sam closed his eyes, tilting his face up to the sunshine dappled through the leaves. ‘It’s shame holding my tongue.’ He looked at Noah. ‘I have a place where I hide such things. Things that won’t bear too much scrutiny if one is to keep a reasonably good opinion of oneself. Perhaps everyone has such a place?’

Noah nodded. Determined not to interrupt him this time.

‘I don’t know why things changed between us. Why we started kissing or even which of us began it. I liked it well enough.’ He bit his lip. ‘I liked her touching me.’ He laughed, mirthlessly. ‘Making me hard.’ He picked a bright red flower and twirled it between his fingers. ‘I can, of course, offer the excuse there was a certain amount of pressure from boys at school. Each new term some came back with tales of poor little scullery maids deflowered behind the gardener’s shed or some such. And here I was with a wonderful opportunity to deflower my dearest friend in my own bedchamber. Christ, what a s**t I was.’

Noah could not help himself. He placed his hand down onto Sam’s shoulder. ‘You were just a boy. You didn’t know what would happen–’

Sam shrugged him off. ‘I knew I shouldn’t do it. God help me. I knew I didn’t even damn well want to.’ He took a long breath and composed himself. ‘I can scarcely bear to tell you what I did.’

‘I know what you did. And neither of you expected to get a child.’

Sam shook his head. ‘You don’t, I’m afraid. You truly have no idea at all. Yes, I took her to my chamber but … well. I wasn’t kind to her. I just lifted her skirts and–’ He looked up into the branches again, heavy with flaming blossom. ‘It hurt her. I felt her tremble from it, but she didn’t cry out. She held me so tight. Then I was done. It was over before I’d scarce begun. When I rolled away from her, I saw her blood and my seed smeared on her thighs. Jesus Christ help me; I began to weep. She moved to me, holding me, and telling me she loved me. And what did I do, Noah? Did I hold her and tell her I loved her, too? Oh, no. Not at all. I told her not to touch me and to go home.’

Holy f**k, Laddie.’

‘It certainly wasn’t that.’

Noah snorted. ‘No.’

They sat in silence for a while.

Noah, listening to the whisper of the sea foaming in lace frills over the sand a few feet away, still questioned how Sam had not known of his child. ‘Can you tell me the rest?’

‘Tell you the worst of it, you mean?’

‘I love you, Sam, for the man you are. Boys are fools. Often selfish fools. I was one myself and I have two sons. I know quite a lot about the mindlessness of lads.’

‘Indeed. I was a selfish prick. I still can’t understand how I could have done it. I loved her. I never stopped loving her.’

Christ, Lad. What did you do?’

‘I left. I left that evening. I packed my box for school and went to a friend in Richmond. I stayed with him until term started.’ He closed his eyes. ‘When I next came home, they’d gone. Richard told me they were with Sylvia – Susannah’s grandmother – and Jane was with child. They would stay there for her confinement. I didn’t see Susannah again until they came home with Penny.’

‘f**k. And it never once occurred to you that Penny might be Susannah’s child and not her mother’s?’

‘Noah, I was utterly self-absorbed. I’d found myself. Found myself with men … at school. At court. I was happy. God, I was so pleased to see her, though. She looked wonderful. Softer. Rounder. Bonny. I told her country life suited her.’ He tilted his head back. ‘She’d just given birth to my child, and I told her that, God help me. What can I say to her? How can she ever forgive me?’

Everything Sam had told him seemed so out of character for the man he knew now. He had to keep reminding himself of how long ago all this had happened. And he already knew it was not as straight forward as Sam thought. ‘Well, she has forgiven you, hasn’t she? You’re as close as you ever were. She fought hard beside me to save your life.’ That she bore him no ill will was clear. The opposite, in truth.

‘Very well, then. Why did she forgive me?’

‘Because she loves you.’ Noah frowned, thinking. ‘And she never wanted you to marry. If she had, she would’ve told you about Penny.’ Christ, the girl had paid a high price for what sounded such a grim encounter. Poor lass. Yet she had a much-loved child from it.

‘Well, I can understand that. I ran from her. I can’t have seemed like much of a prospect as a husband. No wonder she was so unhappy she had to hide herself away. Much of that must have been because of me.’

‘Had you known she was to have your child what would you have done?’

‘Married her, of course.’

How naïve he was. He must understand what a lucky escape it had been for them both that such a marriage had not taken place. Susannah had understood it. Sam needed to now. ‘Would either of you have been happy, do you think?’

Sam walked to the water’s edge, letting the foaming ripples wash over his feet. ‘I might have made her happy. In time I could have learnt how.’ He turned back to Noah. ‘You did.’

Noah ran his hands through his thick unbound hair. ‘As happy as she is now with Raphael?’

Sam chuckled a little. ‘Ah, dear Raphael. Now that’s probably something of a tall order.’

Noah reached him in two strides, closing his arms around him. ‘Could you have been as happy as you are with me?’

Sam shook his head. ‘No.’

‘Then you’ve nothing to blame yourself for–’

‘Apart from running away.’

‘Boys run away. You were a boy.’ He held Sam’s face between his big hands. ‘You have a daughter. It is a wonderful thing. Leave the rest of it behind. Susannah has.’

Sam sighed. ‘I must write to her. Christ knows what I’ll say.’

When they arrived back on the porch, Noah called for wine before sitting beside Sam on a hide-covered sofa close against the wall of the house, now in deep shade.

‘I wish you could know her. She’s the image of Susannah. It’s strange how the women in that family all look so alike. Though Susannah is taller than her mother and grandmother.’ He turned to Noah. ‘I won’t see her grow up, will I? In truth, I shall probably never see her again.’

‘We can’t know that for–’ Noah broke off at the sounds of breathless cries of female satisfaction soon followed by groans of male pleasure coming from the chamber at the other end of the porch. ‘What the–’

Sam smiled shaking his head.

Noah closed his eyes and tried to ignore it for long enough to feel some virtue over it, until anger won. He stood and glared towards his son’s room. ‘Hal. Come here now if you please?’

Sam sighed. ‘For God’s sake, Noah, leave him be–’

‘Leave him be? Leave him f*****g be? Have you not just learnt how easy it is to get bastards?’

Sam stood, too, clenching his fists. ‘If I thought I wouldn’t break my hand doing it, I’d punch you in the face you crass imbecile.’

‘Imbecile, is it? Imbecile?’’ Noah took a step towards him.

Imbecile?Hal strolled out onto the porch and walked towards them, wearing only breeches. ‘Good afternoon, Sam. Papa. What can I do for you?’

Sam began to laugh and collapsed back onto the sofa. ‘Go ahead, Noah. Do tell.’

Noah narrowed his eyes. ‘Perhaps you’d be so good as to give me a moment to speak to my son in private?’

Sam raised his eyebrows in an eloquent ‘really?’ and shaking his head, rose to go inside the house touching Hal’s arm and rolling his eyes as he passed him.

really?Noah pointed to the sofa Sam had just vacated. ‘Sit.’

Hal tilted his head. ‘Am I a dog, Sir? I shall stand.’

Noah wanted to insist but doubted he could force it. ‘As you wish.’ Christ. Why did he now find he had no clue what to say? s**t. ‘Who was that in your room?’

‘A young lady, Papa.’

‘Well, I didn’t think it was a f*****g goat.’ He whipped around, sure he heard laughter from the parlour. He would deal with him later. ‘Who is she?’

‘Marianne.’

‘Where is she now?’

‘Gone.’

Noah sat on the sofa realising his mistake immediately when it left him looking up at his son. He closed his eyes for a moment. ‘I would prefer it you didn’t indulge yourself here–’

‘Indulge myself? What can you be talking of, Papa? We had congress. I wasn’t pleasuring myself.’

More laughter from inside. Just wait, Noah thought. Just you b****y wait, my lad. ‘Don’t try to be clever, Hal. I know exactly what you were doing, and I forbid it.’ Laughter from inside and outside now.

Then, Noah watched contempt bloom on Hal’s face. ‘And just how, dear Papa, are you planning to stop me?’

Noah stood again, shoving Hal out of his way. ‘Fine. It’s your choice. Carry on if you’re content to be pox-ridden and leave a string of bastards behind you everywhere you go. f*****g fine by me.’ With that he blundered down the steps and disappeared into the gathering darkness.