NO MORE GREY ( TAGALOG R18+ STORY )

SIMULA I LOOKED at him with tears streaming down on my face. He's all drenched because of the rain but still chose to sit in the railings under the full moon in a cloudy sky. I always believed that the light will always conquer the darkness. But today is different. Clouds and thick darkness is slowly eating the light. "Uwi na tayo," nanginginig kong sambit. Hindi siya sumagot. He's just looking up at the sky, and my eyes focus on his shoulder. Gumagalaw ito—ibig sabihin ay umiiyak siya. And It wasn't silence, it was crying without a sound. And that's the worst thing in life because I know it's a different level of pain. How come I didn't know about this pain? Almost 2 years na kaming magkasama but he manages to hide it? I want to ask him about it. I want to ask him about everything. I want to ask him a million questions. "Umuwi na tayo, please lang, Eyon.." Lumapit ako ng dahan-dahan sakaniya kasi natatakot ako na baka bigla siyang tumalon at tuluyan na akong iwan. We're now in the rooftop of our condo. He always love to stay in this kind of place. Kahit saang building pa 'yan basta may rooftop. I thought it just makes him relax kasi malakas ang hangin at maganda ang mga view pero hindi ko naisip na kaya niya pala gusto sa gan'tong ang lugar. Because he always thought about the ending. "Eyon," malambing kong tawag sakaniya. Humarap siya saakin. Bumaba siya sa railings. He wiped his tears with the back of his hand and took a deep breath before he smile. This is m first time to see his vulnerable side. I feel so weak— I don't want to see the pain bringing him down. I've always see his smile and laugh on the surface, I thought he's happy and completed. but I didn't think that his insides are filled of loneliness. He hides this side behind the happiest smile. I even praise him kasi whenever I need him—or his friend needs him he's always there. Handa siyang damayan kami lagi. Pero siya, He never open up to us kasi wala naman daw siyang ibang problema. No matter what was going on in my life – no matter my struggles, errors, or mistakes, I always call him for help because he always do everything to make me feel better. "Why are you here? It's raining at gabi na. Makakasakit ka niyan. Umuwi ka na," napapaos na usal niya. He's smiling but his eye never lie. I wish I could take away his pain. I hate seeing him hurting and suffer like this. My heart breaks for him. "Tapos ka na ba? Uuwi lang ako kapag kasama ka.." tumingin ako sa mga nakakalat na bote ng alak at kung ano-ano pang basura rito. Now I realize na this man was a pain so intense and hollowing that he had become numb to her situation and eventually lowered her hopes to almost nothing. Huminga ako ng malalim at tumingin sa mga mata niyang pagod na. "I know that pain and suffering are inevitable in our lives, but misery is an option. Let me help you, please. Umuwi na tayo, mahal ko." "But I'm tired, Eanna.." nawala ang ngiti niya at napalitan 'to ng pait at lungkot. "Kaya nga uuwi na tayo, e. Para magpahinga ka na." pinilit kong ngumiti sakaniya at maging sweet ang boses ko kahit mapiyok-piyok na ako. "I'm tired and I want to rest forever.." Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya. "I know you're tired and willing akong gawin mong pahinga. I'll do everything for you. Gagawin ko lahat ng sasabihin mo. Hindi na kita aawayin. Hindi na kita uutusan. Pagsisilbihan kita, Eyon. Tutulungan kita.." nanginginig na ako at hirap na hirap na rin sa pagsasalita dahil grabe na ang pagbuhos ng luha sa mga mata ko lalo na nang sinabi niya na gusto niya na magphinga habang buhay. He looked at me coldly. "You'll never be my 'pahinga' because you're the one who makes me tired. Kaya hayaan mo na ako. Let me rest now.." he's trying to be cold again pero hindi niya kayang pigilan ang mga likidong bumabasak mula sa mga mata niya. Mas lalong bumigat ang dibdib ko. "But I love you tapos iiwan mo nalang ako?!" hindi ko na napigilan hindi sumigaw kasi sumama na ang loob ko sa sinabi niya. How come I make him tired? Kasi ba inuutusan ko siya lagi? Inaaway? O dahil ginagawa ko siyang pahinga ko? Ano? What did I do? He's my safe place. And my safe place told me that I was the one who make him tired? Anong nagawa kong mali? Babaguhin ko at itatama ko para sakaniya. "Wala namang tayo? You're not even my friend, hindi rin naman kita kamaganak. You're not my responsibility." Napaawang ang labi ko sa sobrangsakit. "Then fine! I'm not your responsibility! Pero you're my responsibility! Because I love you and I want to help you.." "I don't need your f-cking help!" napaatras ako sa ginawa niyang pagsigaw. "Uwi ka na, tayo.." 'yun nalang ang lumabas sa bibig ko. Masakit, but I need to accept his words. Tutulungan ko siya hindi ba? Hindi ko siya susukuan. Dapat maging manhid ako sa ganitong situation dahil gugustuhin ko 'to. "You're not my home. Bakit ako uuwi sa'yo?" Para akong sinaksak ng milyong-milyon na kutsilyo sa sinabi niya. B-bakit siya ganito? I thought we're ok? 'Di ko na kaya pigilan ang emosyon ko. At nag breakdown na ako. "You know how much I love you. Ang akala ko ba, ok na tayo? I thought you.." love me too? hindi ko matuloy-tuloy ang sinasabi ko dahil napaluhod na ako. "F-ck your love! I never told you to love me! Hindi kita pinilit! Kasi hindi ko kailangan ng pagmahal mo! I'm not responsible for the meaning you attach to my action! Nagmamabuting loob lang ako sa'yo.." "Nagmamabuting loob? G-go ka ba?! You make me fall for you?! You always care for me! You make me happy! You kiss me! You hug me! We even make love. Ano 'yon ginawa mo kasi naawa ka saakin?!" mapaos-paos na sambit ko. Hinila niya ako patayo. Dumiin ang kamay niya sa braso ko. Matigas niya akong tinignan. "Eanna, you always knew about her. And still chose to love me. That's not my fault anymore. Face that consequence on your own. Huwag mo 'kong idamay, pagod na pagod na ako!" His first love. "Pagod na ako, I want to rest. I want to be with her." tinuro niya ang kalangitan. "Is my light is not enough? That's why I can get you out of that f*****g darkness?!" madiin kong sigaw. Umiling siya. " I don't want you to starve in a dark house. You shine beautifully, Eannah." binitawan niya ang pagkahawak saakin and nagsimula na namang umiyak. "Then why don't you accept me as your light and let it shine to create your own lighthouse ?! Willing akong tulungan ka, kasi mahal na mahal kita." desperado kong sigaw. "But you're not my favorite sunshine. I don't love you.." "Anong kulang saakin? Bakit hindi ako?! Bakit hindi mo 'ko piliin gaya ng pagpili ko sa'yo?!" He just smiled fakely. "Forget about me, Ennah. Find someone who will paint your world more colorful." Napaiyak nalang ako lalo na nang hawaka niya ang pisnge ko at punasan ang luha ko. "You're a beautiful light. And I want you to shine brightly for others. Be someone's else sun, Eanna. I'm sorry.." The moment he said sorry ay umatras na ako at tumalikod na. I run as much as I can. Tuloy-tuloy ang pagbasak ng luha ko. Hingal na hingal akong tumigil sa pagtakbo nang may mapagtanto ako. Dumako ang paningin ko sa tyan ko at hinawakan 'yun. Hinaplos-haplos ito at mas lalo akong napahagulgol. What about the new light inside my tummy? Our little sunshine?