I Too Had A Love Story

April 2017 Dear Jason, I left Seoul. This time, for good. If only I could leave these memories behind too. I decided I'm not going back. At least not in a million years. It has been two months since I moved back to Canada. Scott insisted that I do, and I complied because the last thing I want, at the moment, is paparazzi scrutinizing my every intake of breath. The house is the same as I left it three years ago. The furniture, picture frames and all the curse words we wrote on the walls of your closet, a little faded, but still the same. Except I didn't smell aunt Karen's delicious ravioli from the kitchen nor did I meet your tender embrace as soon as I reached. Moving here after everything that has happened, only reopened my wounds along with the new ones. I have never felt more lonely. You always told me I was your special sunshine and that my smile somehow brightened your world. I wish you were here to bring back that smile. No matter how hard I struggle, I can't find it in me. I'm afraid it's long gone now. Is this how you felt when you and Flynn broke up? How did you smile through the pain? Will it get any better? Because I don't think I can take it anymore. All those times you warned me about boys and dating, I should have listened to you. If I had taken you seriously that one time, I wouldn't have to sit on my bedroom floor every night with tears running down my cheeks. I know it wasn't my fault. Nothing of what happened is my fault. But why do I feel like I should have tried harder? Everything that once brought me joy, now just makes my heart twinge. I'm so used to waking up to his charming smile every day. Now I'm scared to even fall asleep because I know he won't be there to kiss me good morning anymore. I don't want to believe it. I stare at his contact sometimes. Its pure torture reminding myself I won't hear him call me 'jagiya' anymore. But I still do it, anyway. Because as stupid as it sounds, the pain is the only proof that everything I had with him was real. Is it normal to feel this way or am I going insane? I know I keep thinking too much of everything and it's only breaking my heart over and over again. But I don't know how not to think about him. I stopped going outside because I see his face in everyone that walks past me. I stopped listening to music all at once. Sad songs remind me of the pain I'm going through and happy songs make me think of everything we could have been. I want to hate him. I want to curse him for making me this way. I wanted to yell at him, to put him through the same pain he put me through. I hate myself because he is still my first and last thought every night and day. I hate myself because even after everything he has done, just a flash of his smile and I would run into his arms without a doubt. I hate myself for loving him too much. Too much that it lead to my destruction. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Loving someone should be beautiful and I swear on my life, it was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. But why did it have to burn me in the end? It feels like I'm living a bad dream and what scares me is that I don't know if I want it to end. If had known this is how heartbreak felt, I would have never fallen in love. But I knew it was inevitable. I guess that's how life works. It lures you in first and then does the wickedest things. But couldn't it have been a little more merciful? Remember, in middle school when I punched a boy because he rejected me when I asked him out? I wish I was that strong now. I wish I could at least put up a show and prove to everybody I was fine. I wish you were here to take me into your arms and tell me I'm not crazy for feeling the way I'm feeling right now. Things would have been a thousand times better with you by my side. Funny, how it takes a second to fall in love but a lifetime to get over it, how love can take you to cloud nine and then drop you when you least expect it. I knew what I was getting into. I knew I would end up getting my heart broken, eventually. I still held on to the last string until the last second because I wasn't ready to let go of everything we built together. I was prepared for the worst but it still hurts. Like hell. Now all I can do is lay on my bed and hope to fall asleep before I fall apart. Maybe someday I will wake up, swallow all the pain and say 'I'm used to it'. Just maybe. I don't have the slightest clue to why I'm writing this to you. Maybe because I feel lonely or maybe, I'm finally going crazy. I wish I had an address to send this to. I have been wondering-Does heaven has a zip code? Are there angels over there? Unicorns? You are probably having the time of your life, you lucky bastard! I miss you and aunt Karen a lot. I know you both are watching over me. I still hold on to the locket that aunt Karen gave me, every night. A day doesn't pass without playing your music box at least once. It's the only thing that keeps me going on during the hardest times. I wish you were here to hug me and tell me that everything's going to be alright. I love you. - Jade