COLD MESS

RIVA-why don't you people understand? I want to go. ADHA-you needs to understand us Rimu, we are saying it for your betterment. . RIVA-mom stop!! Just contain you also know there is no betterment, you are only destroying everything. ABHIJEET-why can't you understand, you just scored average in your boards, and NEET is not Easy. Chances of clearing the exam are less than twenty per cent even for the topper. Riva-dad, please!! I will work hard. I want to go. ABHIJEET-baby you never listen to us(with disappointed face) RIVA - BUT DAD  YOU KNOW FROM THE BEGINNING WHAT I WANT TO DO IN MY LIFE (with intense face) ADHA-Rimu you look at your health.with all of this you want to practice medicines in future, think practically. VIVAAN-why don't you go for regular graduation in sciences. RIVA-YOU PLEASE!! Be quiet, haven't asked you. ADHA-RIMU !! IS  NOT A WAY TO TALK TO YOUR ELDER BROTHER, SAY SORRY NOW  (in anger) RIVA-YEAH!OFCOURSE IAM SORRY TALKING LIKE THIS BUT IS IT OKAY TO TALK TO ME LIKE THIS MOM(WITH RESTLESS BODY) ABHIJEET-JUST STOP IT!listen, Riva, I can't afford the private tuition fee for one year baby. You need to understand.  RIVA-okay dad(in a low tone) Riva is looking down on the table with the eyes filled with tears. She just doesn't want to cry in front of them, so she stands up from the couch, rolls her eyes towards her room and starts moving. The moment she takes the second step, she collides with the table and collapses .she falls on her knees, she again looks towards the room door. Eyes couldn't hold tears anymore, and they came out. She was already frustrated due to the conversation with her parents. Her clumsiness makes her angrier on herself. She tries to get up on her feet with the help of the table. She moved very fast towards her room door. The moment she gets into her door, she slams the door in frustration. She moves towards her bed; all she wanted to scream. She stops herself and moves back towards the door to lock the room, Riva closes the door, and very delicately she sits down, leaning on the door.  She completed her legs and put her hands on the knees. Her eyes were on her hands; tears won't come  out of the eyes, it was her who won't let them come out, RIVA-come on RIVA!! you are not weak; nothing happens (with the booming voice and glittery eyes) She controlled her tears again, but she couldn't breathe with nervousness and fast heartbeat, she was trying to normalise her situation. Still, she couldn't .she move the hand toward the table just next to the door and opened the drawer of the table. It had a bunch of things inside the drawer, colour pencils, painting brushes, and drawing sheets. But beneath all of that, there is a secret drawer. She opened that, in that it's a personal diary. She keeps all her hates about herself and about the people Riva loved. No one knows about that diary it's because Riva maintains one more journal, filled with fake words just like her world for her parents .she open that personal diary which was smartly locked, she type the password in a journal "mother10".Riva opened the diary in which Riva kept the half-smoked cigarette. Riva took the cigarette and lit it up with the lighter that Riva kept with the cigarette. Riva takes the first puff with her tears falling from her eyes; she takes out the pen from the drawer and starts writing her frustration. Dear diary  Yes, my life is screwed up, and again, the reasons are my parents. Before this, they had taken my childhood and discovered me the 'broken child', now they are ready to take over my dream, career and everything I crave!! I don't know what to do. All I wanted was to go away from them and never come.  I think they just got some of the ideas in my head that is why they don't want to send me away. I think they know that if I go now, I am gone forever. The thing is that I can't hate them. It's so natural, they are god damn parents but guess what they started making me hate myself for loving them and not giving upon them. Thing is they know a lot about me, and one thing they learn from very starting is that they lost their happy child years ago, all they left with a bloody body with deep skin and restless bones.  She was crying while writing, tears kept falling silently with every word she wrote.she took some puffs of a half-smoked cigarette. She slowly took three-four deep breaths, slowly to stand up again on her Feet. She is not feeling the weight of her body, and it does happen with her on the regular bases whenever she has these panic attacks. She moved towards her bed with this fragile body, she slept for half an hour, and it was just the effect of her smoking in the panic attacks. Adha was worried about Riva. She was outside the door of Riva's room, calling her name to open the door. She gets more anxious when she doesn't get any response. She asked Abhijeet to bring the duplicate keys of the room so that she can open the door. Abhijeet came with the keys and opened the door nervously. It was a relief for them to see their daughter sleeping. They start closing the door, and suddenly Adha calls Abhijeet's name in shock. ABHIJEET-what happened? ADHA- Riva! (with an anxious face). ABHIJEET-she is crying Abhijeet. ABHIJEET-no Adha, she is sleeping(while looking back again towards her bed) Abhijeetnow, you know! (with the eyes filled with tears) Abhijeet takes Adha in his arms while looking at his daughter's condition. Riva is crying in her sleep; she raves some words in her dreams. Abhijeet went closer to the bed to listen, what she was saying. All he could hear "please don't", "I will tell mom".After seeing her pillow utterly wet with tears and the raves, he becomes very conscious about it. He starts moving outside of the room with Adha and closes the door slowly with deep thoughts. After one hour Riva woke up she came out of the room with her tired eyes, Abhijeet, Adha and Vivaan were sitting in the hall on the couch, discussing Riva. Riva went out of the room. She didn't look towards them; she straightly moved towards the washbasin sink; she wanted to wash her face. Riva examined herself in the mirror, swollen eyes with shafts. She opens the drawer, take out fash wash, she applies the face wash in her face, the moment Riva tries to open the tap, The moment she opens the tap the dome comes out in her hand. The water all over her body, her clothes to her hairs. RIVA-what the hell? (loud voice) Listening to the voice of Riva, Abhijeet came. He tried to stop the water by putting his hand on the tap but wasn't able to resist so much water. He calls Vivaan to help him with the faucet, Adha and Vivaan come after listening to the voices. VIVAAN-wow! Riva, you are looking so pretty(sarcastically) Riva -just shut your mouth, i***t. (while dusting her clothes) ABHIJEET-you shut your mouth. Vivaan. Riva starts moving towards her room to change the clothes. She went inside her room, changed her clothes, and wore a black denim jacket with the black ripped blue jeans.  Her hair was wet, but she didn't care so much. Riva made a bun of her hairs.and went outside. She went out without taking Permission from her parents; she was feeling suffocated inside the house. Riva went for a long walk; it was a never-ending walk in the woods. She keeps walking and walking in the woods, trying to find who she is? It was the time of twilight when Riva went out. It's ten o'clock in the evening, and she is still walking in the parks. Riva is walking freely like this after so many years, and suddenly she listens to the voices which were coming towards the park. It was the bunch of boys who were coming to hang out in the garden. She felt the wicket streak through the backbone to the complete body, making her nervous and feeling unsafe and uncomfortable; she started bothering herself where she could hide. She didn't find anything. In the end, she starts running from the back entrance of the gate. She kept running to her house and didn't stop for a moment to look back. She finds out that her dad is out of home sitting on the stairs of the main entrance waiting for her to come with her cell phone in his hand. She stops in front of her home breathless, her dad's face is relieved after seeing her face, he walks down the stairs. Hugged Riva tight ABHIJEET -thank God (with heavy and relieved breath), RIVA-dad(in a low voice ) ABHIJEET-i was scared, Bache (child). RIVA-me too(with a choked voice and glittery eyes) When Abhijeet hugged Riva, she was in a different vulnerable place where she was just her, a scared kid with teary eyes. That is what she was broken. The face she hides suddenly coming to the real beginning, looking towards the entrance of the home above the stairs. Adha was standing there with Vivaan crying in his arms. Riva pulled herself away from her dad and ran to her room. She enters her room while locking the door. Riva opens the drawer of the table, which was next to the door. She takes out a secret personal diary and sits on her bed. Start writing about everything that drowned her. Dear diary "I was in 8th standard when I started living this dream of mine. It gave me the power to fight with myself and to get over my past and start something that will give me hopes to live and protect me from coming out of the stage of "LIVING DEAD BODY".Bodies without dreams and ambitions, do not live in the physical world. They place their imaginary world, which is guarded against reality because somewhere they can't deal with the grief that reality is offering you. All you want is to drown yourself deeper and deeper into that imaginary world. Indeed I was part of that same world. The one incident just ended up changing everything in my life. I think it was God's will for me to live my life. It was just the end of the session, the month of December 2014. It was Friday of the last week of the month. I was in APS[Army public   School], Dagashi. Hence as every school, we had the annual medical checkup for the student. That day it was the start of my class. We went to the audiovisual room, and one by one, all the students were going inside. Army nurses and other officers, the complete medical team was inside the room, which was checking the eyesight, ears, throat, and BMI. So that they can write remarks on the medical report, after getting their observations we had gone to the adjacent room where one ARMY LADY DOCTOR was counselling the students according to the medical report by the staff. I remember standing in line outside her place, and after five students she called my name, I went inside. I stuck for the moment near the door when I saw her. She was looking so beautiful, classy and at the same time knowledgeable. Most of all I was attractive not towards the face of the lady but the DRESS, it was beautiful. She didn't do any makeup, but then also she was looking Miss World to me not with a crown but with the dress, a dress which is an honour to wear. She called my name again. This time, I came back to the real world and started moving towards her. I wished her good morning, and she replied to me good morning with a beautiful smile. I asked for PermissionPermission to sit while allowing me to sit, and she opened my medical reports. All I can do is stare at her. She asked me some questions related to my eyesight. She asked me to visit the military hospital with my mom so that they can check my eyes properly because they were finding my eyes suffering from myopia. Whatever she was telling me I don't remember, but all I had in my memories was that I couldn't stop myself from looking at her and smile. After that day, my vacations are about to start. I already gave my final exams as we had winter closing in school. In complete breaks, I just imagined myself in that dress. I started dreaming about it all, and it was the first time that I imagined something for me, not for any other person. Because before that, I used to imagine a happy family. All I wanted my family not to fight and take care of each other, just like Bollywood family movies of the 90s .it's funny to imagine our family-like "hum Saath Saath Hain "or "hum apke hai kon" you can also take" vivah". I'm not talking about the storyline but the family, the way these movies made us think about families in a dramatic way no one can do that". I wanted to take the first step to complete my dream. I told my parents that I wanted to go, Kota, for the preparation of the national entrance eligibility test[NEET]. But they end up saying no to my plans by telling lies to me. They give me plenty of reasons to convince me of their thinking. -We don't want you to pressurise with such hard studies you can go for regular graduation in sciences. -Its very challenging exam and chances of clearing it are less than that of 20% -We really can't afford the private coaching for the next complete year. I could have taken all reasonable statements which were given by them and can work my ass off to prove them wrong, but the last word put me into tears. I was well aware of the fact they were telling a lie because we were never weak financially, but it did break my heart very badly because I couldn't even imagine they could say to me such reasons. It put me into silence, and I went to my room. Suddenly my whole world again collapsed. All I can see myself in darkness and sinking myself deeper and deeper in grief from where it was getting more challenging for me to breathe. I wasn't able to breathe. I was going through my 5th panic attack of this year. Before this, I had situations in which I freaked out, and all that happened with me in that situation is that I won't be able to breathe. I remember the previous one to this was the night before my chemistry exam; again, the reason was my parents. They were fighting horribly, and I was also in between them. Instead of studying the whole night, I was somewhere as. I prepared well for my chemistry exam but ended up scoring average marks in that exam. I am not blaming anyone that because of them I wasn't able to study, it's nothing to do with them. Because I believe we can't give excuses for our actions and yes it was my fault that I didn't revise my syllabus. Every time whenever I had these panic attacks, always,  the reason was my parents. That moment when .you are suffering from this restlessness, all you can think of is oxygen[O2]. I was in a dark, cold place which was not less than that of the graveyard. I smoke the half cigarette because it's the only way to put me into an unconscious state, where I feel things but still do not feel something. All these things are going on for one long hour more like an immortal hour. After that, I slowly made myself calm down to breathe normally. The moment I started feeling a little better, I went out of my room for fresh air. I wanted to go out of my house for a moment because it's suffocating for me to stay inside my room. The moment I went out of the room, I saw the three faces looking at me like idiots. Those were my mom, dad and elder brother sitting on the couch with a complete comfort zone with queries on their faces. I didn't talk to them; it's more convincing to behave like that they are invisible to me.  I went out for a walk, it's like a never-ending walk for me,4 hours I was walking in the woods, nearby parks still don't want to go back. But we can't forget where we are living, the world which is still really insecure for the girls to roam freely during night times, and who knows better than me. It was the first time I didn't fear going out of my home alone. Maybe I just couldn't think about it. I ended up going back to my house. Dad was waiting outside on the stairs for me to come back. For a moment when he hugged me, all I wanted to cry in his arms, and want to tell him how much I am scared of all the things happening inside me. But all I could do was run towards my room. I didn't have any tears left in my eyes to shed, and the energy to cry the whole night although I wanted to. I just stay awake the entire night thinking and thinking. Morning five o'clock, an alarm is ringing in the Riva room, Riva is coming out of the washroom inside her room and turning off the alarm. Riva is already awake, took a shower early in the morning. Riva didn't sleep the whole night. In the end, she took a shower. Riva starts packing her bags with all the books and her clothes. She heard the sound in the kitchen. She knows her mom is awake; she went to her the kitchen. ADHA-early bird(watching  Riva coming towards her) RIVA-good morning, mum. ADHA- You wake up so early, something important(while pouring the tea) RIVA-yeah! I'm leaving for naani' s(grandmother's) place. ADHA-but why(looking at Riva) RIVA-I just want to go and please be careful; you are spilling whole tea on your hand. ADHA-But, you just came from there a few days ago. RIVA- I know but, still wanna go. ADHA- I am not going to allow you, you will stay here with us, with me. RIVA-i am not asking for PermissionPermission mom, I am telling you. ADHA-OKAY SO IT'S AN END OF DISCUSSION THEN! (in a wave of anger) RIVA-yeah !why I'm even here to tell you ADHA-YEAH !exactly why are you here. RIVA-yeah I should leave then. ADHA-you are on your own by the way (in frustration) RIVA- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?MOM(in anger) ADHA-that we won't go with you to drop you there, you go on the bus on your own. RIVA-yeah!why not,  I can go on my own. (in the anger going back to the room) Riva starts moving towards her room in a fit of anger. She was wearing her bathroom slippers. The wet slippers slipped on the floor, Riva fell on the floor. RIVA-AHHHHHH!MY CLUMSY ASS.(in frustration) Riva tried to stand up on her feet again. She stood up and moved towards her room. Riva also starts packing with frustration and with the wave of anger inside her. She is packing everything, packing her whole room. She is just don't want to come back, all these years she is only close to her naani. She spends three months at her naani's place after her boards. Riva ignores everyone's phone calls to text messages from her parents, brother. She is want to escape the reality that she ever belongs to this super dramatic family. That just gave .her pain. There was knock the door, Its Abhijeet asking PermissionPermission to come inside. He went inside the room after Riva asked him to. ABHIJEET[DAD]- HEY!!Good morning RIVA-YEAH NOW WHAT!! ABHIJEET-I think I said good morning RIVA-GOOD MORNING TO YOU BUT IT'S TURNING  BAD TO ME!![with exasperation] THANK YOU TO YOU ….. ABHIJEET- What's wrong??[with the muddled face] RIVA-Why are you guys doing this to me ?? What I did wrong to you people??[with outrage] ABHIJEET-Whats wrong with you Riva ?? Are you still mad at yesterday's discussion !! RIVA-YES DAD I AM MAD !! IAM MAD ON THIS FACT THAT I AM YOUR DAUGHTER ...I AM SO MAD THAT YOU ARE MY DAD AND MOM IS MY MOM!! TELL ME CAN YOU CHANGE THIS?? TELL ME !! TELL ME[screaming in anger] ABHIJEET -OOH GOD RIVA, God help you !! [heavy voice]