Guardian's Atonement

“Every child deserves to be love, but why can't you ever say my name?" -- “ “I wanted to be love by my parents” These were her last words as her eyes closed after struggling too much. In the end, she was never loved." This was the last sentence Erica had read in the book she read last month. Erica finished reading the first five volumes the previous month and decided to stop as the book continues; It was literally wrecking her heart. After crying for a while, she closed the book and tried to forget the words spoken. Still, until now, those sentences and that paragraph alone made her wonder and daze while working or even just studying or doing daily activities. As days went by, those sentences haven't left her mind. It was like a broken record meant to play until she found something worth taking over its place. From time to time, she would remember those words like a sharp knife meant to kill even though it is just a book and it was just a story. She felt funny because she had lost her emotions a long time ago, or thought she lost it. Thinking back, the story was great. Erica had a great time highlighting some words and phrases. Reading was her only pastime, so she bought all the books she was going to read in the book store. As she read, she was captivated at first. She even tweeted some on her twitter account and hype her friend, Lia, telling her that it was really good book. The character development was great, and the words of the author had weaved struck her deeply. Yet, as Erica dived deeper and the more she knew, she felt like her heart being torn apart. The hero and heroine got their happy ending. It was supposed to be a happy scene for the readers. But then Erica was dazing in front of her laptop, papers scattered on her study table with written formulas, yet her mind was thinking about the villain of the story. "Celestine Elira Von Reinsworth" Her name was fancy, and it fitted her so much as the Duke's only daughter. If you heard it for the first time, you would think that her parents spent an amount of time thinking of a better name to give to their child. Still, in contrast to her name, she lived a life full of neglect, coldness, and pain only because she was a bastard. Funny enough, she felt like the villain of the story. It was like the universe mocking her saying she will never be loved. Erica frowned at those thoughts, thinking she gave up being love a long time ago as she crawled her life to earn money from her not so decent job she had. It was the only way for her to survive after leaving her family. As she encountered many unpredictable moments in her job and life, causing her to either puked or be disgusted, she was desperate and wanted to live. She wanted to prove something. Those are the only reason she wanted to continue. Bastards are not treated as nobles because nobles thought that they were illegitimate children born from sin. Yet, thinking again of her parents' logic, why does Celestine need to suffer from their own sins? Erica brows frowned and drew her breath before taking a glance on her left where the bookshelf was. Her eyes wandered to the book for a moment, then returned her gaze to the paper she was writing. Doesn’t the author has any pity at all? She thought. Well, she's just a character in a book made for the heroine to stand out. Isn't that right? Characters are woven for their purpose. Celestine's purpose was just to be an extra that meant to be killed in the end. The Villain. The plot was great, the character development, settings, and everything. Erica can't think of any flaw, and the author got her so hooked that she finished the five volumes of the book in one sitting. It was supposed to be romance, but now, Erica was not particularly interested in the heroine's harem or the heroine's happy ever after. She was really concerned about the villainess who just wanted to feel love and did everything she could to gain her parents' attention. In the end, she was executed by her own family. Funny enough, the cause of her demise was her own family. Thinking about the culture they have on earth right now, some families are like this, and people can't see anything behind the doors once it's closed. Nobles in historical times have high regards for their position in society and compromised everything, especially their children. Erica sighed. Feeling the tiredness overwhelmed her whole body. She leaned on her chair, looking up at her ceiling. What did she do? Is it a crime now? To want a family love? She thought. It really dissatisfies me. Erica glared at the light bulb shining on her ceiling. She thought this is why she was very much hesitant to read books even though it was her only hobby because it dramatically affects her. The book's title was "Thorns of fate, "It is a story of a long-lost daughter of the Duke returning to her family, and everything went happily ever after for the heroine. She found love from her family and romance to her three male leads. Still, it was different from their illegitimate daughter, who was the villainess of the story. When the heroine showed up, everything was taken away from her. Ugh, it really irritates her so much to the point that she wanted to burn the book. I wanted to read it because of the fantasy and historical genre with magic, but I ended up regretting reading it. Ah. Damn, I invested eight hours of that book but damn, it just left me like this!? Erica sighed as she tried to focus on the lecture notes that she was currently reading because she has an exam tomorrow. However, as seconds passed by, her focus was drifting to the book. She tried focusing several times but her eyes often drifted, staring blankly at papers. In the end, she gave up reading those notes and just lay on the bed thinking, if she was the villainess in that story, what would she do? She brushed her hair back with her fingers as bit her lower lips. Her reflection was visible because in front of her was a big mirror. Erica's mind drifted again, thinking maybe the reason she was reacting like this was that she also came from a wealthy family. A family who was capable enough to buy every luxurious thing she ever needed but can't love their own daughter. Erica Young, that was her name. She was also an illegitimate child born from his father's affair with his mistress. That was the cause why her family, especially her stepmother, hated her so much. In the story, Celestine had two brothers, and she, Erica living here, also had two brothers who don't care about her at all. And when Erica's mother died from cancer, her father came out of nowhere to adopt her, but that was the only time her father ever looked at her. Is he guilty, or does he just hate me so much he doesn't even want to look at my very own existence? Erica thought at the same time she frowned at her own self pity thoughts drowning her again. Either way, Erica doesn't care anymore. She left that house a long time ago, and she can manage her own now. Even though it was still hard for her. Again, Erica thought she was like this because she felt she was Celestine in that book. As she read it, it felt like she was reading her own story but only to a different level. Instead of trying to earn her parents' love, she did all kinds of part time jobs and struggled enough to support herself. She reviewed every day to pass the entrance examination in a prestigious university. After her result came out, she packed her bag and left the house without saying any word. After that day, She cut all her ties connecting to her family and slowly forgot about them. Still, only a mere book made her reminisced the past she wanted to forget. to put it in a strange way, she felt like she had a connection with the book she just read. In the last year of her chosen course, she already secured a position in the company she applied for her OJT the previous year. Ever since she left that house, she was determined, and everything was already in her favor, and Erica was doing her best to live her life. Maybe I'm frustrated, and I'm irritated because the villainess doesn't dare to defy her fate and just let her be swayed by the people who don't deserve her. Ah. I'm getting angry again. Celestine deserves all the love that the world could give. She was such a good child. If maybe she's born in a different family, perhaps everything may be different. Ah. My mind is getting blank. That book reminded me of the things I felt when I’m living in that house. Ah. She was getting insane from all the unexpected emotions she was feeling right now. She thought she gave up a long time ago. The clock ticked and She smiled sadly then closed Her eyes. The feeling of emotions in her chest felt like it's heavy and was about to burst. For the first time in a long while, she was honest about her feelings. I wanted to be love also. I wanted to feel the love of a family. The warmth it brings and the happiness that protects the child as it grows up. Ah, I’m getting jealous again. She was getting jealous of the child who grew up with the so-called family love. She was getting jealous that she felt her eyes stinging. She breathed many times, trying to calm her beating heart, and covered her eyes with her left arm. Only the electric fan and the sound of the clock ticking was her company in this night. What did I even do wrong? All I did was be born in this world. I also never asked them to give life to me, but why do I feel like my own existence is a mistake? Is love expensive? If so, how much is it? Maybe I saved enough money to buy it? She joked inside her head. She chuckled and looked at the book on Her bookshelf. "This is all your fault. Who even wrote you?" She said. She was really getting insane. She was even talking to a book. She looked at the clock beside her bookshelves, thinking she needed to sleep for her exam tomorrow. Slowly as Erica closed her eyes, she felt her tiredness of this day. Her consciousness drifted to those days she was living in the house of her father. From her little eyes for the first time that expected love and from her eyes that gave up. The transition was absurd. Erica felt pity. She smiled as she realized one thing; Ah…They never really loved me. -- As Erica walked in the corridors, she felt like her head was about to explode after taking that 3 hours exam in thermodynamics. She felt so dumb she can't even remember some things she had reviewed last night. This the book's fault! Ugh, I feel like I'm going to fail. Erica sighed as she walked on the hallways of the engineering department. The white interior of the building. The chairs and the smell of the whiteboard marker. The laughs and cries after an exam and the sound of the calculator. She smiled as Erica felt something warm started to spread in her heart. After One year I’ll miss this place. Where's Lia, by the way? Is she done with her test? Lia was the only friend Erica has in her whole college career. Since she had issues with herself, she found it hard to trust people and notice the slightest things that change around her surroundings. After all the trauma She experienced from her childhood, she tried to heal herself and be better. Slowly one pace at a time. Maybe I should just come to the café we always went after the exams. Erica thought and smiled as she typed her text for her friend who might still be taking her exams. "Erica?" She stopped walking as soon as She heard someone called Her name. She doesn't even knew if someone really called her or she just imagined things again. There were times when she felt like someone was calling her, but no one was there whenever she looked around. She looked up holding her phone with both of her hands and scanned the whole place. Students were doing the usual, talking and laughing with their friends but her eyes can't find the one who called her name. She frowned. Maybe I just imagined things. Erica shrugged it off and continued to walk while texting when a pair of black leather shoes appeared in front of her causing her to stop her footsteps and looked ahead. "Erica Young?" He called her full name. The voice sounds familiar. Erica paused for a second to scan his face. Brown eyes and a military cut hairstyle; pointed nose and thin pink lips. He's wearing a three-piece suit, and it gave her the idea that he's working in a company. He may also be a high-ranking worker. Erica tilted her head and asked, "Who are you?" She can feel that he's familiar. She just doesn't remember where Erica saw him. I don’t really recognize faces that much. She saw him flinched with her unexpected question. Erica blinked her eyes several times, urging him to answer the question. “You don’t remember?” He asked in a soft voice. It was gentle. "Sorry, I don't really recognize people that often." Erica smiled awkwardly. "Sorry?" he sighed for a second. She thought his eyes look warm, but she must be imagining things, for suddenly, his gaze look cold, like a line was drawn in front of them. "I'm your eldest brother, Luke." cold voice. The moment those words left his lips, Erica felt cold water thrown at her, feeling chills all over her body. Erica's smile turned into a frown and disgust that she literally took two steps back from him. "What do you want?" Erica's voice was full of hate drawing another invisible line. He sighed and took his phone inside his pocket. “We need to talk.” He said while typing something. "If I remember clearly, I cut off any ties from you. Why do you need to talk to me all of a sudden?" "It's regarding about Dad." He looked at Erica in the eyes as he slipped his phone back into his left pocket. His tone sounded like he was desperate that Erica actually wanted to laugh. "He told me I'm not his daughter. Why now?" She put her phone back inside her bag and tried to walk past him, but he blocked her. "He wants to see you." His voice was shaking. Or was she just imagining things? His voice indeed shook. She guessed he's still a human after all. Erica felt the bitterness spreading inside her. I thought he was a demon. "For?" Erica arched her left brow and rolled her eyes. She didn't bother masking the hate she was feeling right now. She left that house 4 years ago that Erica even forgot their faces, but why now? He sighed and brushed his hair backwards. It looked like he was trying to find the answer to her question, but Erica was not patient enough to hear his excuses. All I feel to them was hate, and nothing will change. Taking two steps, Erica tried to walk past him, but he suddenly grabbed her left wrist that She flinched with the contact. "What?" even Erica can feel the coldness of her own voice, but She doesn't even care. Her mood was now completely ruined because of him. Her brother even made an effort to find her university and her department. Why would he need something from her in the first place? If Erica remembered correctly, they called her trash in that house. “He’s dying.” Two words. Her brother said those words in desperation that Erica felt like laughing. That old man is dying, and now what? Erica harshly took back her hand and glared at him. "What do I care? Do you want me to visit him with a fake smile on my face saying it's all okay and that I understand? That I forgive him and he can take back all the time now that he was dying? Are you trying to mock me and make me laugh? This is not funny at all!" Erica saw his eyes widen that he didn’t even bother masking his reactions. What she told him was true. Luke sighed again. Erica felt like they were drawing attention, not that she cared about it or the excuses he's going to say, but why can't She take any more steps? "He wants to tell you something." He straightened his back as his eyes reflected the coldness of his voice again. He was desperate a while ago now this, Erica really wanted to laugh at his face and mock him, but something was holding her back. She rolled her eyes in her mind to think that there still feelings left for him. I want to mock myself. "He never called me his daughter and turn his back on me the day I need him, but why now?" Erica wanted to say those words with hate, but why did she feel like her voice was shaking? There was a pause between them. Erica courageously looked at him in the eyes waiting for another excuse to come out in his mouth. Time is ticking between that she can felt gazes. I really don't care—the side of his mouth moves. Erica felt like her heart started to beat rapidly. Suddenly, he turned his back at her and walk away. Erica stood in the hallway looking at his back and smiled bitterly, “What am I even expecting?” She placed her hand above her chest where her heart was. “Foolish of you to think that you’ll get a reasonable excuse.” Erica sighed and looked up. "My mood is completely ruined." She told Herself. "Let's just return home, Erica. You need rest." She tried to comfort Herself. She felt her handshaking. It took me 4 years to be okay but him showing up like this made me realize how the walls I built in those 4 years were nothing but a fragile glass that can easily break the moment I saw them. How pathetic. Just one meeting, and all the emotions Erica threw away came back. "Disgusting," Erica mocked herself again. Ah, I feel like I'm going insane. In the end, Erica texted Lia to cancel their plans for today. Ah. I want to go home.