The Boyfriend List

What makes the perfect boyfriend? Is it something that we see, or is it something that we feel? In my personal opinion, I believe that there are 8 characteristics that form the ideal mate. 1. Good-looking: he has to have the right combinations of face symmetry, and hair lusciousness. You can’t skimp on either. 2. Charming: the person in question has to be able to flatter and banter appropriately. 3. Smart: not only is he proficient in his studies, he is also future focused. 4. Great dresser: he understands that your first impression is the strongest one, and he puts his best foot forward. 5. A Musician: he doesn’t have to be the most successful, but the aptitude for learning will be evident in his technique. It also shows dedication. 6. Nice Car: not a plunker off the side-street. He works hard for the things he has. 7. Kind and Generous: he is looking for ways to help people less fortunate than himself. 8. A celebrity: because of all of his hard work, the world will notice him and put him on the center stage. I can cheer him on from the sidelines. You would think a list this concise would provide multiple candidates, wouldn’t you? It should be easy to find one man that can encompass this checklist and love you! That’s what I’ve always thought. But it’s not been that easy. I’ve spent exactly 6 years looking for this man. First there was Peter Proctor in 9th grade. Rank: 6/8 Good looking: 9/10 Charming: 5/10 Dresser: 10/10 Musician: 3/10 Smart: 7/10 Nice car: His mother drove a Buick. 8/10 Kind and Generous: 0/10 Celebrity: 0/10 (unless you count his appearance in the paper for the hot-dog-eating-contest when he was in 7th grade. He had a long-standing career in high school from that interview) He had almost everything a girl could ask for. He was from the right neighborhood, had the right family, and knew all of the top 40 songs on the radio. Everything was practically perfect until I noticed that he threw away his leftovers. You’re thinking what I’m thinking. TO BE KIND AND GENEROUS one would automatically think of donating those scraps to someone in need! There were tons of kids in our school that would have benefitted from his PB&J crusts! I couldn’t believe I had missed it all those months of sitting with him. He was wasteful! I immediately broke up with him. I thought I was done with boys after that, but this fickle female heart of mine just wouldn’t be satisfied. I was lonely. After considerable thought, I decided to get out there again. Of course, I waited the proper period of three months to completely clear out the dating scene before stepping foot in it once more (since one has to think of their reputation in times like these). And by the time I was ready, it was the first semester of 10th grade. The summer had completely passed me by! But you know like I do that getting a boyfriend in the summer is completely useless. Once school rolls back around you’ve already broken up with them so that you can either concentrate on school, or you’ve got your sights set on someone else. It’s best to stay single in the summer. In case no one has told you. So then, there was Lars Andersson. Rank: 6/8 Good looking: 8/10 Charming: 4/10 Dresser: 7/10 Musician: 7/10 Smart: 0/10 Nice car: 3/10 Kind and Generous: 8/10 Celebrity: 0/10 The puppy love stage followed us for the first three weeks that we were together. It was bliss! The world was covered in pink stained glass, and there was nothing Lars couldn’t do! I was so happy, taking our long walks back from the classroom to the parking lot, and spending study hall together… He was even a great musician. He wrote me a song for our two-week anniversary, named, “I Please Eloise.” It literally felt like my heart was going to burst. But it all came crumbling down in the fifth day of week three when I realized that he wasn’t just playing dumb to get laughs. He was actually stupid. Like I tried to look past it because Lars had such a good heart! He was always giving his milk carton to a student in need or hugging girls with down-trodden expressions… but when I realized what was missing it was when I tried to have an intellectual conversation with him about the dialect of Shakespearean culture versus the West Virginian mountains, and he HAD THE AUDACITY TO TELL ME that he had never paid attention to the cadence of the different words in any of the sonnets we had studied in English! Like, how could you not!? That was one of the talking points that Mrs. Roderick had written on the board! I was crushed! Completely broken after I handed him that farewell letter in the hallways just after science class. Hearing his sobs that echoed off those cold, stone walls is still a sound that haunts me to this day. Well anyways. I concluded after that that I was decidedly sticking to my list, and that NO one was getting a piece of Eloise Thompson without checking all 8 items off with full tens. So, needless to say, the rest of high school was really pretty boring. That is, until I met Ravi Patel.