Never Again

I stared at his innocent face, he looks calm and serene in his sleep. What have I done? I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting back my tears. Hindi ko alam ano ang gagawin ko ngayon. My heart is too heavy, I'm afraid it might explode. Mas lalo kong iniyakap ang comforter sa aking sarili. Vivid memories from last night started to flash inside my mind. Kumurot ang puso ko. Not because something happened last night, kung hindi dahil ang sama ko na habang nandito ako kasama siya kagabi, I didn't feel guilty at all. I wasn't thinking straight. My phone keeps on vibrating, I stared at it for a second. Ilang tawag ba ang hindi ko nasagot? Ipinagdikit ko ang dalawa kong hita, this is sickining. Napahilamos ako sa aking mukha, things are now fucced up. It's still five AM in the morning, this is the worst morning in my entire life. I tried to calm myself, my heart is pacing back and forth, my mind is in haywire, and my clothes are scattered on the floor. My panty was ripped off. I didn’t we can be this wild. Muli kong nilingon si Mat at hinay-hinay akong umalis sa kama. I went to his cabinet and took his brief, pati ang black shirt niya na hanggang hita ko lang. My hands were shaking. I can't remember where I placed my wallet, did I left it inside the bar? I was about to grab my phone when he cooed my name. "Sy..." I pinched my arm to avoid my tears from flowing. I didn't respond. "Rei..." ulit niya. He's the only one who calls me that. I can't hold it anymore, my tears started to flow and my sobs are getting out of hand. Dumilat siya at nagulat nang makita ako sa ganitong pusisyon. He's puzzled, still processing what the hecc is wrong with me. "What happened?" his eyes are full of concern, umupo siya at aabutin na sana ako, but my reflexes is faster than his. Tinampal ko ang kamay niya. "Walang hiya ka!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. The pain is unbearable, it's ripping my insides. He stiffed, nanliliit ang kaniyang mga mata. "How dare you took an advantage of me?" His jaw dropped. "W-What do you mean?" he stuttered, he's waiting for my response. "Ang problema kasi sa 'yo Mat, alam na alam mo kung saan ako kunin e..." I trailed off. Hindi ko na pinigilan sa pag-agos ang aking mga luha. "Kilalang-kilala mo ako... I hate it." "I don't understand," nakita ko ang pagkatulala niya sa kawalan. "I thought... I thought..." he mumbled. "Last night was a mistake, let's just forget about it." mas lalong bumilis ang aking paghinga, I remembered how he left marks around my body and how I moaned his name. I feel disgusted. "Forget it?!" he roared that made me step back. He rose from his bed, his black boxer is the only thing that he's wearing. His four pack abs are showing, I can still imagine how I touched those last night. "Yes!" I shouted back. "Last night is pure lust, Mat. Let's forget about it—" "After you moaned my name? After you told me that you want me back?" he stepped closer. "You want me to forget that?" he laughed monotonously. "I was drunk, Mat. What do you expect?" my phone vibrated again. His eyes darted to my phone. I saw him smiling bitterly. "How can I forget you?" pumiyok ang kaniyang boses, kumirot ang aking puso nang makitang lumandas ang luha sa kaniyang mata. He stood still, maintaning our distance. Atleast he knew his presence suffocates me. "I want you back... Sy, wala na ba?" he clutched his chest. There's no point in holding back my tears. I sobbed hard, making it harder and harder to breathe. "I can't cheat on h-him," "But you already did!" I know. "You're a sad manipulative woman!" sigaw niya, puno ng sakit ang kaniyang boses. "After telling me you want my warmth back? Telling me how you regretted your situation right now? I wasn't having second thoughts na itatanan kita, Sy. Then now you regretted all of it?" tears shimmered in his eyes. Nakakapanghina. Before all of these chaos, those eyes were always glinting with happiness. I was the reason of it. Ngayon, ako na ang rason kung bakit siya nasasaktan. Napaluhod ako, nanghihina ang aking mga paa. How can I get out of here now? I want to go home amd clean up myself. My soul stinks. Tumatawa na naman ata si satanas dahil sa ginagawa ko. He crouched in front of me, he wiped my tears. "But I hate it. I can't get you away from him. Love doesn't work like that. How can I take you away from your h-happiness? I can't be selfish..." he mumbled softly. I closed my eyes shut, hoping this is all a dream. It's not me who's breaking... "Please, Mat..." I begged, my voice is shaking. "I am getting married." "I know," tumayo siya, his expression became stoic. Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. Nagsimula siyang maglakad papalayo sa akin. He took his shirt that is lying on the floor. "Umalis ka na dito. Go back to him. Nag-aalala na 'yon sa 'yo. I'm sorry." He entered his bathroom, leaving me here, scathed. I took a taxi and bowed down my head the whole ride, I opened my phone, my hands are still shaky. I saw Noah's missed calls, his texts, his voicemails. He's really panicking. I feel so guilty. From: Noaaah Im calling the police, symp. Call me now. I am getting worried. I texted him back that I am fine at pauwi na ako sa penthouse. I turned off my phone to avoid his calls. I want to be alone right now. Pinagmamasdan ko ang aking repleksyon sa salamin, my make up is smudged, my hair is messy, and my eyes are bloodshot. Halatang galing sa iyak. Mabuti nalang at nakita ko ang aking mga damit na nagkalat sa sahig kanina, if I borrowed Mat’s shirt, malalaman ni Noah ang ginawa namin. Napatitig ako sa aking mga hita, wala sa sarili ko itong ipinagdikit, I remembered how willingly I opened these legs last night. My subconcious mind is screaming that I am a slut. Then be it. I clutched my chest when I remembered his face again. He's hurting. And I am too. I already made my decision, choosing him will make things worse. This is all for the best. Napatigil ako nang makita si Noah na nakaupo sa aking couch nang mauwi ako sa penthouse, he's waiting for me. Nagsipatakan na naman ang mga luha sa aking mga mata. Someone is waiting for me while I was hoeing last night. His face was full of concern when he saw my expression. Nilapitan ko siya at agad na niyakap nang mahigpit. "What happened? Why are you crying?" he gently tapped my back. I left a man, Noah, that’s it. "I just missed you, bukas na flight mo 'di ba?" I whispered, still hugging him. I closed my eyes. I lied too much these days. "Hmm, yeah," he chuckled. "Where were you? I was worried sick!" I hurted a man and this whole situation is suffocating me. I need to choose and make a choice. All I ever wanted is to love someone and be happy with me life. Why do I have to choose? Since when did all of these went wrong? "I love you." me, trying to convince myself. Sino pa ba ang niloloko ko? Oh, Mat… why do you have to show up in my life again?