Kabanata 16
1656 Words
Treese
"You're so f*****g stupid!" asik ng manager ng cafe kung saan ako nagtatrabaho.
I wanted to reason out and tell her that it was the customer's fault. Ako ang tinapunan ng juice dahil lang sinabi kong bawal manigarilyo sa loob ng cafe.
My manager muttered some curses until she finally told me to clean up the mess. Pigil ko na lamang ang aking luha habang dinadampot ang binasag ng customer na baso matapos akong tapunan ng juice.
I waited for my shift to finish before I walked myself home. Sa maliit naming apartment sa San Francisco ay inabutan ko si Daddy na hawak na naman ang larawan ni Mommy. He probably spent the entire day remembering my Mom. Palagi namang ganoon. Magmula nang lumakas kaunti ang katawan niya't nakalabas na ng ospital ay inubos na ang oras sa pagluluksa.
Tiningnan ko ang mesa kung saan ko iniwan ang pagkain. I sighed when I realized that his food was barely touched again. Maging ang gamot niya ay hindi na naman nainom.
"Dad . . ." Inilapag ko ang jacket at bag ko saka ko siya hinawakan sa magkabila niyang balikat. "Hindi mo na naman po ininom ang gamot mo."
My Dad touched the frame. Hindi siya nagsasalita. Hindi ko alam kung may na-damage bang nerve dahil sa nangyari sa kanya o sadyang nawalan lamang siya ng kakayahang magsalita dahil sa pagkawala ni Mommy. Either way, my father was never the same without Mom.
Para bang nabubuhay na lamang siya kasi gumagana pa ang katawan niya, pero ang isip at puso niya, kasama nang namatay ng mommy ko.
I felt more alone. Minsan gusto kong ikwento sa kanya ang mga nangyari. Gusto kong huminga at sabihing miss na miss ko na ang mga anak ko at si Sovereign. But my father was too hurt for him to be able to function as the dad I needed, making me feel lonely despite us having each other.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mas masakit. Iyong alam mong namayapa na ang isang tao o iyong araw-araw mong nakikita pero parang hindi mo na rin kasama.
Nilunok ko ang bara sa aking lalamunan saka siya pinatakan ng halik ang ulo ni Daddy. "Magluluto po ako ng pagkain tapos sabay tayong kakain, Daddy ha? Huwag matigas ang ulo," pilit ko na lamang na biro bago ako pumasok sa banyo nang doon ako makaiyak.
Dalawang taon na kami ni Daddy sa San Francisco. Tatlong araw matapos kong makapanganak ay inasikaso ni Allison ang papeles namin ni Daddy. She had us move to the US, funded everything including my Dad's hospitalization. She got us an apartment, but a year later, Allison finally cut our connection.
I was drowning in debt and was forced to find several jobs. I couldn't even afford a cheap phone. Iyong meal na pang-isang tao, hinahati ko nang magkasya sa amin ni Daddy. I had to break my back just to save enough so we can finally go home, but with Dad's needs and the cost of living in San Francisco, all I am able to save up is a bunch of pennies.
Siguro God's will na ring hindi ako nakaipon kaagad dahil nang minsang nagawa kong humiram ng phone sa katrabaho ko para ma-stalk si Sovereign sa social media ay nalaman kong may kasong naghihintay sa Daddy ko sa Pilipinas. Kung uuwi kami ay siguradong dadamputin kaagad siya, kaya kahit gustong-gusto ko nang umuwi, hindi ko magawa.
I pulled my wallet out and stared at the photo of Sovereign with our twins. I stole it from his social media account and had it printed out so I can look at it whenever I'm losing faith.
Namuo na naman ang aking mga luha. Sovereign was smiling on the photo but his eyes looked lonely. Kalong niya ang mga anak naming nag-celebrate ng first birthday ng mga ito.
"Hello . . ." My voice came out raspy. "Mommy had a tough day at work again." I sniffed. "Pero okay lang. Malakas ang Mommy. Someday, makakauwi rin ako, ha? Makakapag-celebrate din tayo ng birthday ninyo nang magkakasama."
I chewed my bottom lip as it trembled. My tears poured down my cheeks while my heart breaks out of loneliness.
"Miss na miss ko kayo. Miss na miss ko kayong tatlo. Walang araw na hindi ko hiniling sa Diyos na sana . . . sana makauwi na ako. Sana mayakap ko na kayo. Mahalikan saka m-masabi ko nang harapan kung gaano ko kayo kamahal tatlo."
I touched the part with Sovereign's face as my chest felt heavier. Bumaha ang mga alaala naming dalawa sa aking isip.
I remembered our first dates. How his eyes glistened with love while we eat by the side of the road. Pati iyong mga alaala ng night drives namin. The tender morning kisses and sweet I love you's. God, we were so in love. Who would have thought that everything will end in a painful way between us?
Napahikbi ako nang mapalitan ng mapapait na alaala ang masasayang tagpong sinasariwa ng aking isipan. I remembered how he tried to beg me just so I wouldn't leave him. How he tried to stand his ground and make me understand how much he's willing to work just to give me a good life. I never doubted his capabilities and his dreams. Not even once. But our circumstances prevented me from showing him how much I believe in him.
Hanggang ngayon naman, ako pa rin ang number one fan niya. I celebrated with him on his first race even when he wasn't aware that I am cheering for him. I swallow my pride and try to contact him as much as I could and whenever I have a chance but all of my messages go straight to spam.
Sino ba ang mag-aakala na iyong dating yakap ko noon, sobrang hirap nang abutin ngayon?
Lalong nanikip ang dibdib ko nang mapagtanto kung gaano na siya kalayo ngayon. Sometimes I close my eyes and hug myself to imagine him sheltering me in his arms. Minsan iyon na lamang ang nakapagpapakalma sa akin. Baka kung hindi ko niloloko ang sarili ko, matagal na akong nalamon ng depresyon.
I forced a smile while staring at the photo of the family I badly wanted to come home to. Kumusta kaya sila? Is Sovereign having a hard time balancing his time? Hinahanap ba ako ng mga anak namin? Paano niya napapatahan ang mga bata kapag sabay na umiiyak?
"A-Alagaan mo silang mabuti, m-mahal." My voice cracked. "I'm sorry kung w-wala ako sa tabi mo. Uuwi ako, Reign. Pangako, uuwi ako, ha? S-Sana oras na magawa ko, m-matanggap mo ulit ako." I sobbed. "Mahal na mahal kita. M-Mahal na mahal ko kayong tatlo . . ."
I kissed the photograph and let myself cry my heart out for a few more minutes. Nang kahit paano ay gumaan ang dibdib ko ay saka lamang ako lumabas.
I checked our stocks to see what I can make for dinner. Ngunit nang makitang box na lamang ng cereals ang mayroon ay bumuntonghininga ako.
"Daddy, lalabas muna ako para mag-grocery," paalam ko kahit na alam kong hindi niya ako sasagutin.
I grabbed my wallet and took the last few bills I have left. Bahala na. Siguro maglalakad na lang ako papasok hanggang sa makasahod sa makalawa.
I went to the grocery store to buy some stocks that can last until my next pay will come. Tulak ang cart ay napadaan ako sa section kung saan mayroong telebisyong ipinakikita ang latest news.
Wala naman sana akong pakialam doon, ngunit nang mag-flash ang bagong balita ay napahinto ako't napatitig sa screen matapos kong marinig ang sinabi ng news caster.
There's an upcoming race on Saturday. Gaganapin iyon sa San Franciso at kasali ang Cavalier Racers' Association sa listahan ng mga kalahok.
My heart pounced as I waited for the newscaster to announce the names of the participants, and when I saw the familiar man's photo get flashed on the screen, I swear my heart nearly jumped out of my chest.
"Sovereign . . ." Humigpit ang hawak ko sa handle ng cart. He's coming to San Francisco . . .
Nalunok ko ang namuong bara sa aking lalamunan. Maybe I can watch the race? Hope I'd get a chance to talk to him?
Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga nang maalala kung paano niya ako blinock sa social media accounts niya. My other messages I sent using new accounts didn't go through since he limited people's access to his socials. I have no other way to reach him. Even my other friends back home weren't responding to my calls for help.
No one did. Not even Sienna. Tila . . . binura ako ng lahat sa buhay nila.
The news about the upcoming race ended. Ipinagpatuloy ko ang paggo-grocery ko habang iniisip ang dapat kong gawin. I have to see him. Maybe if we'll talk in person then he'll listen.
I paid for our grocery and walked home. Lutang pa rin ang isipan ko habang pauwi dahil iniisip ko kung igagastos ko ang halos kalahati ng sahod ko para sa ticket. I want to take the opportunity no matter how slim my chance is to get to him.
He's a rookie in the racing world but is already considered the new dark horse of the competitions. People have been praising his driving skills since he first appeared in his Mexico race. Siguradong maraming dadalo para mapanood siya. There's only a very small chance that I'd get close to him, but if I wouldn't take the risk, I might regret it forever.
I sighed before I turned to the next street. Ngunit nang matanaw ko ang makapal na usok na nanggagaling sa apartment building namin ay halos mawalan ng kulay ang aking mukha.
Nabitiwan ko ang groceries na bitbit ko at ang aking mga mata ay nanlaki nang husto.
"Diyos ko!" I started running. "Daddy!"
- Writer
