THE DILEMMA

Pain of guilt.

I was finally done preparing the draft and I had sent it to my boss's email waiting for a reply from her, now I had few hours to myself before I had to fetch Dana so we could leave.

Looking through my office that was almost similar to the that of my boss except it was smaller and there was no coffee maker and no too much papers.

I scanned to see if I had anything left to do, realizing I did not, I let out a loud sigh happy that this day was finally over.

I decided to go to social media to see what was happening and I stumbled on *him*.

It was the first picture I saw on my i********: page and I didn't know how to feel.

My heart was beating and my hands were sweating. I had tried not to think about him today, I had put every time I had into working so I did not have to think about him or about that decision I made 6months ago.

The one I regret everyday of my life, how it kept me up at night and had stopped me from moving on even when that's one of the things I requested from him.

He looked good, really good. He had always been beautiful, but right now he even looked sexier and I felt like sending him a message requesting to see him but I didnt because it would not have been fair to him, I was the one that decided a break months ago, what if he had moved on, or was even married.

God I hoped he was not, I really didnt know how to feel about that. I would not lie to myself and say I did not not miss him cause I do, I really do and now looking at him now just intensifies that feeling of regret.

"Why are you crying? "A voice spoke to me.

I looked up from where I had being looking at this picture to see Dana staring at me with pity in her eyes. I didn't even realize I had been crying. I wipe my tears and reply a quiet nothing to her but of course knowing Dana she will never buy it.

"Oh hell no! Tell me what's wrong Jay" hearing that nickname just opens the flood that is my tears and I started crying even intensively.

Dana came round to wrap me in her arms and keeps saying soothing words that I could not even remember to me.

Why the hell was I crying even after six months, I had no right to cry. I was the one who ended things, so why did it feel like I was about to die now. Some days were like this. The tears were more and I felt apnea some would even say I had panic attacks, while some other days I just sat and thought without crying. .

Dana raised me up to look at her and I knew I looked terrible with tears and mucus on my face, she gave me a tissue to clean my face with and then kept patting my back. Dana did not know about him.

Nobody knew that we were no longer together, but it looked like Dana was about to find out today. I had been looking for who to express my feelings too, keeping them locked in is making me feel crazy. I had to tell someone.

"Do you want to talk about it? "Dana asked in a very soothing voice.

I nod and she went to sit.

"His name is Cameron""

I tell her about our relationship and how in love we were, how I got my dream job and I had to choose between him and the job and how I regret to this day the choice I made. I tell her about how I miss him and I can't seem to move on from him, how I still imagine him doing all the things we normally do together. I tell her about how I don't think I can love anyone again the way I loved him and I don't think anyone can love me the way he did.

"Wow" Dana replied. Making me look at her face for the first time since I started the story.

"You guys had a love straight from a movie Jay" she stated again yet in a calm voice.

I nodded my head agreeing with her because yes we did have a fairy tale love, it was too good to be true. He made me so happy. We were so different, yet the same. He knew me and my body so well. Where do I get that again, with whom....

"Do you want to go back to him? "Dana asked me the question I already know the answer to.

"Yes I do but I cant" I replied my voice hoarse from all the crying.

Dana took my hands in hers and made me look at her.

"Why?"

" Because what if he doesn't want me back. Or his married and already has children? That will not be fair to him, I was the one who put a pause on the relationship, I chose my job over him, over my happiness and I can't just go back and expect him to be waiting for me, that's not just fair " I stated crying again.

Dana rushed to me and held me again. I felt so shitty because now she could not tell me what she wanted to because of my own problems, i felt so bad.

" You know you've always been a selfless person. That was the first thing that I liked about you the first day we met. How you were still talking so nicely to that b***h Patience even when she wasn't nice to you" I scoff remembering my early days in the office.

That b***h as Dana called her always made my life a living hell since I came here, she was always jealous of me because everyone liked me and adjusted to me quickly. Unlike her that she was put on probation when she first started because she was always making mistakes.

" But you keep forgetting that you deserve to be happy too, f**k everyone else sometimes Jay and do what makes you happy. Sometimes even doing things that you'll regret later, but if you want to do it in that moment, do it, f**k the consequences. If you want to message him, do that. So what if he's married, at least you tried, and you won't regret it later "she finished looking deeply into my eyes.

"I'll keep that in mind Dee thank you. I love you"" I replied hugging her.

" I love you too stranger" she replied hugging me back.

" What did you want to tell me? I'm really sorry for all these, but please don't hold out on my account. I want to hear what made you so happy."I say now smiling.

Dana looked down at her nails, something she never did, and looking at her I'd say she was shy? Shy? Dana was never shy!!

"Dana are you shy? Oh my God! Now I must hear this."I replied clapping my hands with my mouth open.

" Oh please I'm not shy alright, I'm just .... It's being long I felt this way about somebody, I don't know how to tell you"she replied still not looking at me.

"Common let's go grab that bite, I know when you eat, you talk alot, I need my old bossy and bitchy Dana back, because I do not know who this girl is" I replied standing up and gathering my things so we could leave.

"f**k you"" Dana replied making me laugh as we left the office...