Flashbacks: Head Versus Heart

Chapter Sixteen: When Embers Turn to Ashes

As I packed my things in the quietness of a house I once loved being a guest in… I knew I needed to leave before Vera got home. I wasn’t ready to face her… I wasn’t even ready to face myself. I had no idea what I was thinking. My mind was racing a mile a minute. Everything was perfect, and in a split-second decision, I doubted myself, and my intentions. I need to move forward. I cannot dwell on the “what-if’s”. I lost it.

Right then, in the middle of Colt’s bedroom, I feel to the ground sobbing, uncontrollably. How selfish could I really be? I wanted this for so long, I asked for this. I prayed for this to happen, and here I am, alone – and conflicted. My heart was so heavy. I gathered myself, grabbed a pen and picked up a notebook on Colt’s desk. I knew it would be a while before he came home again, so this bought me some time to say how I felt, without it stinging him.

I wrote down everything I was thinking, aside from my thoughts about Reece. I wiped the tears off my face, folded the letter, and placed it neatly in plain view. I finished packing my things up, making sure to pack one of Colt’s shirts from that weekend. I’m not sure what came over me, but as I grabbed his shirt, I felt my throat well up again… I couldn’t believe I did this to him. Someone I loved so much, how could I hurt him?

I grabbed my bags, taking one last look at his bedroom before I walked out the door. I left a note for Vera on the counter in the kitchen… my heart sank as I thought back to just nights before… I felt so alive with him, my heart was breaking, but my mind was telling me to let go. I was torn, like this internal war between what my heart and body wanted, and what I thought I wanted. I could have screamed. As I got into my car, it still hadn’t entirely sunk in, as to what I

had really experienced – I had been given a second chance, a second chance at a once in a lifetime love, and I pissed it away.

I couldn’t even listen to the radio on my way home. If I hurt this much, I couldn’t imagine the pain Colt was feeling. I so desperately wanted to explain to him where my head was at, but I knew telling him about Reece… telling him I questioned my feelings for him, it would have hurt him much more than a clean break. We had the closure to our story, it was over. He could move on, and I know he will, he will find someone that will never question what he means to them. Someone who will love him unconditionally for everything he is, and accepts everything he isn’t.

Everything was moving so quickly in my head. Faster than I imagined. I unloaded my things and left them in the middle of the hallway. I stood in my kitchen for a moment, when I heard my phone chime. I looked over, part of me hoping for it to be Colt, the other part of me hoping it was Reece. Sure enough, it was a sweet ‘Good Evening, Beautiful. ”, from Reece.

My heart tickled my lungs with the thought of something new and exciting, as I engaged in a series of carefully crafted messages back and forth with Reece, I couldn’t help but feel as if I was moving my entire life on a whim, at 100 miles per hour. I needed to occupy my mind from the thoughts that consumed be before I went to sleep. I began tidying my place up, and cleaning from my mini vacation, before retiring to bed.

Like a flash of lightning on a summer day, I knew the rain was sure to follow once everything sank in… and boy, did reality hit me when I woke up – alone, and in my own bed, thinking about how the last few days had gone. Replaying everything we said to one another. Replaying how my thoughts on love, romance, and passion – were taught to me on a dirt road, in a small town that didn’t even show up on a map. My first kiss, my first heartbreak, my first

night sneaking out, my first night sleeping with a boy, my first underaged drink, my first night laughing until I cried… but most importantly… my first love.

Those memories, those feelings, and the sound of his laughter, would forever be engrained in my heart, in my soul… Everything that small town boy taught me, would be something I held on to, forever. I relived my choices in my head over and over. I had so many questions I needed to find the answers to… Had I made the right choice?

Was I wrong? Will I regret what I have done?

Will Colt ever forgive me and find someone who he can grow old with?

Why did I go with my gut over my heart?

Will I find my way back to Colt, if we are really meant to be together?

I had to answer these questions on my own, and I needed to grow on my own. I needed to experience life – and I was going to start that by getting ready for dinner… with Reece.