Roses and Flames

Chapter 38

The patient seen some mollified by his confidence that all problems could be solved this time. But that was because he could not see the confusion Patrick’s heart. He had said we, as if he meant to be there. And before that, he had called you by his given name. Weather was there some brotherly feeling, after all? Or perhaps Ambrosia was not the only one who felt guilt.

“The Duke will be fine. I will be fine. Everything will be fine.” What a weak word that was and how unlikely to be true.

When she had left Samuel’s room her father had been lurking at the head of the stairs, eager for any news that she could give him. She had told him what he wished to hear. The Duke was healing nicely select end in excellent spirits. He will soon make full recovery. She had never felt closer to him. She had not the heart to tell father the truth. She was not even sure she knew the truth what was herself. Patrick had been evasive, when it came to the final outcome of Samuel’s illness. Samuel was distracted, smiling to put her at ease, but clearly worried. And she was torn between the two of them, wanting one, and promised to another.

Now she was feeling the strain of unending cheerfulness in the face of problems and be moaning, once again, the weakness of the men around her that they needed women to be happy when there was no reason to be. It must give them comfort to know that, in any situation, their wives and daughters acted like dolls with cheerful faces and lips painted short. If she married Samuel, she had best get used to it. It was what he wished from her. He needed a wife who would smile and nod. And be amiable as he was. And she had managed several hours of it, just now, as she attended to him.

Keeping his spirits up was much more tiring than actually treating him would have been. For most of the part, she had talked nonsense. She had described the weather to him, told him about a bonnet she meant to purchase on her next outing to Bond Street and kept him well informed on the exploits of Diana the kitchen, who had caught her my first mouse and had been unsure or what to do about it.

He had closed his eyes and smiled through most of it, informing her in a hoarse voice that it made her feel better just hearing the sound of her voice. But there was a photo in his brow that made her suspect he would as soon have been alone and in silence. How would he have friend if she had given him any inkling of what had happened between her and Patrick only hours before? He was dispirited enough without begging for her forgiveness for her betrayal and informing him of the need to break the engagement immediately. And now Patrick was alone in the room with him. Although she had asked him not to, it was possible that he was telling the Duke everything, settling the matter of her future between them. If not that, then what did he have to do that she could not witness?

She returned to the sitting room and glanced at the medical book Patrick had been reading. If he was not in any way worried about the outcome, then what need did he have to study? She had heard it was more serious for adults. But how far, exactly? Samuel had looked miserable, but no worse than she had been when she had this. She sat down on the couch and took up the book from the cushion where it rested, opening to the marked page and reading what he had read.

“Ambrose!” It was Patrick again, back from his examination. And he was using the warning tone that hinted that she was meddling in things that she did not understand. At the information was quite clear, as well the likely repercussions. She closed the book with a snap of the covenant stared at him, searching for any signs that he was treating this patient differently than any other.

“You have been underestimating the severity of disease, Patrick. Or you have merely understated it? It does no good to alarm the patient over the one thing that cannot be predicted or changed.” His expression was grave, but there was nothing that indicated another reason to avoid the truth. “But you must understand how serious the matter is.”

“Of course,” he replied. “A man’s potency is always a great import.”

“I mean to Samuel, specifically.”

“Because he was to marry you?” After what had happened, it was the right to speak of that in past tense. But with this fresh piece of news, her conscience trained in different direction.

“It is of concern to me, of course,” she said, cautiously. “But for the Duke? You might not see…”

“because I’m only a bastard,” Patrick added.

“Do not speak so,” Ambrose snapped. “It is unworthy of you.”

“The man is your brother.”

“Half brother,” Patrick reminded her. It was a matter of fact correction. The anger that had been present in his voice was gone.

“Then you have, at least, half of filial sympathy for him,” she said. “Samuel has spoken to me frequent on the subject of his family. Or, more importantly, his lack of family. He is quite conscious of the fact that there are no members of it, say for you. It is why, when I realized the truth, insisted that father tell you immediately.”

“For him,” Patrick said, as though this were some damning bit of evidence and not common sense.

“And for you. You deserve to know as well.” Even if he was being an infant in warning about the particulars, it had been cruel or father to raise him and ignorance. “Right now, I’m explaining why it was important for Samuel. And why he is eager to know you better. He is very alone.”

“We are all alone,” Patrick said, as we did not matter.

“But if we need not be?” She said, hoping that a little encouragement might make him understand. “Discovering he has a half brother eased his mind. But it will not help him in his most important job. He needs, above all else, to produce an heir.”

“For him, or for you?” Patrick asked, the jealousy she had longed to see in him two weeks ago in full flower. “Because if you wish children, I would be happy to give them to you.”

 He was looking at her hungrily now and she could not decide whether to be excited or appalled.

“He needed a son for the sake of the people he is responsible to,” she said, shaking her head in disgust. “Think or something other than yourself at the moment. He has tenants, servants and a seat in the parliament pusher who will take on the responsibility of these, if he has no son to follow him?”

“Such a problem here is yours in the future,” Patrick said dismissively.

“It to him, it is no more than a day. He thinks of the future as a matter of course.”

“The great man is so far above us that he does not live minute to minute?” Patrick gave her an incredulous smile question.

‘In short, yes. You cannot think I did not give this thought as well, when I agreed to marry him.”

 Because she was to be a Duchess. She hoped that it did not sound like she longed for the power attached to their role, but it would be a lie to say that she had not contemplated the advantages as well as the disadvantages.

“All the more reason to handle this situation with delicacy, your grace.” It seemed with each effort to explain he became more insecure and not less. “Just now, I discussed the possible outcome with him. I sent you from the room, so as not to embarrass him. He would not want to see him as less than a man.”

It was another cause for exasperation. Men acted as though they’re only validly between their legs. She would never understand them. “But he knows,” she said, dragging Patrick back to the facts. “Did you think I meant to withhold the information permanently?” He laughed. “It is not as if I would tell him an untruth, in an effort to manipulate this situation.” His smile faded. “That was exactly you thought and that was why you read the book. You did not trust me to do the right thing.”

“You have lied to me before,” she said. ”Why should I trust you to tell the truth to him?” And how could she trust him with their secret?

He sat down on the chair opposite, black expression on his face. “The Duke’s illness, and the way I choose to treat him, has nothing to do with us. When I came home, I loved you, Ambrose. And I never stopped you. I wanted to tell you how I felt. At the time was not right for that. I had to lie. You would not have understood the truth.”

“And now things have changed,” she said. “Tell me everything.”

 He wavered for a moment. Then he said, “you must trust me---- whatever I did, I did with your happiness in mind. I mean to be truthful from now on. And I have not lied to the Duke about the consequences of his illness.”

“But you said that you would not discuss the future with the Duke, if it impedes his recovery.”

“You are talking about our future, I suppose,” Patrick said with a grim smile on his face.

“Things must remain as they are until he is on the road to recovery. Then, perhaps we will try to discuss what recent events mean to his future and to what kind of effect it has on our lives?”

 His eyes widened. “You don’t mean to tell him what has happened between us.”

“Of course not,” she said, shocked that he would even suggest it. “Not now, not ever. I will not tell him that I have already been unfaithful. I it would crush him.”

“I seriously doubt that,” Patrick said. “If it was discovered, it would be the death of my reputation. No one can know of this, Patrick. No one at all.”

“So you can have secrets, but I cannot?” He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest. “Very well, then. Henceforth, I shall lie about nothing and you don’t want me to lie about. But once me we are married, this will no longer matter.”

Had he spoken of married today? He seemed to think it was a foregone conclusion.

“We are getting married, Ambrose,” he said filling the silence.

It would. Rather it should make her happy, for it was what she had always longed to hear. And making love with him had been wonderful. That too was everything she had dreamed it would be. Then why could she not say yes with her whole heart? And why could he not explain his mutability? Then she thought of Samuel, who would be even more alone than ever when she left him.

“Ambrose?” Patrick was looking at her, as if expecting that a little prodding on his part would gain him the answer that he wanted to hear. He got up from the chair and joined her on the sofa. He pulled the medical books from her hands, or she had been hugging it tight as though it were a protective shield. He set it on the table and eased closer.