Confessions

Chapter 4

Chapter 4I may have been behaving like a toddler having a tantrum but I wasn’t stupid enough to keep marching in the wrong direction. It was only seconds before I felt Jane’s hands on my shoulders, gently turning me around and the next thing I knew she had me wrapped in a tight embrace as I sobbed into her shoulder.

“Ellie what on earth is going on?”

I couldn’t answer her. I didn’t know what to say.

“Come on.” and she guided me to a table in the garden, sat me down and ordered me to stay put until she returned, which she did with a handful of tissues and our drinks.

“Ok woman, so do you want to tell me what’s going on in that pretty head of yours?”

I kept trying to say something but I couldn’t get the words right in my head, however Jane came to my rescue again.

“How about I ask you questions and you answer them -- would that help?”

I nodded as I sniffled into a tissue because it wasn’t like I could avoid the issue now I’d made a royal arse of myself, so I took a deep breath and waited for the first question, desperately hoping that this would’’t be the end of our friendship.

“So were you flaunting your body at me this morning?”

I gathered my courage and lifted my head to look her square in the eye as I answered. If I was going to do this she needed to know I was serious and I needed to see her reactions.

“Yes, I was wondering if you found me attractive.”

“That’s a silly question, of course I find you attractive! But why is my opinion important to you?”

(Deep breath) “Because I was wondering if maybe.... you know.....if possibly we could....erm....be more than friends?”

I found the courage to keep looking up into Jane’s face but I wasn’t exactly heartened by her expression; she looked almost cross. I sat patiently waiting for her to speak while dreading her words.

“Why, Ellie?”

“What do you mean why?”

“Why do you want to be more than friends?”

This really wasn’t going well and now I was getting angry again, having to work hard to maintain my composure. As it happens feeling indignant actually helped me to blurt out what I’d needed to say all along.

“For f**k sake Jane, I’ve been holding onto this for f*****g months and I finally get up the nerve to do something about it and you’re just making life even harder! First you storm out of my house, then you laugh at me and now you’re just being obtuse! Why do you think I want to be more than friends? If you’re not into me then just say so rather than drag this around the houses -- I’m a big girl, I can take the rejection but don’t make me feel more of a t**t than I already do!”

Jane’s face softened but her expression was still unreadable.

“Ok I’m sorry, I know this took some courage and I don’t mean to make it harder than it needs to be but I need to understand your motives; you’re straight Ellie!”

“Well maybe I’m not as straight as you think?”

A light suddenly went on behind Jane’s eyes and the hint of a smile touched her lips.

“Hang on a minute; you said you’d been carrying this for months? Since when and why didn’t you say something before?”

“Oh I don’t know,” I laughed sarcastically “maybe because I didn’t want to lose you as a friend, or maybe because I thought that if you found me vaguely attractive you’d have let me know before now, or maybe I just didn’t know how to tell you and I didn’t want to make myself look like a complete loser. Guess I flunked that last one but I’m desperately hoping I haven’t f****d up our friendship?”

I looked at her pleadingly; her friendship really was the most important thing in the world to me and much as her rejection would hurt like hell, losing her from my life would be a million times worse.

“How many months and tell me how you knew.”

Jesus, she wasn’t making this easy for me!

“November the 5th; we went to a firework display and the weather was absolutely awful, then we were harassed by some really annoying blokes and I realised just how much I wanted you all to myself. We went back to your place frozen to the bone, so we snuggled under a blanket; all cuddled up together drinking hot chocolate with rum to warm up. I just felt like I belonged in your arms and I wanted so desperately to kiss you. That want hasn’t left me since and I’m not even going to tell you what we’ve been getting up to in my dreams!”

That last part had just spewed out but it made us both laugh despite my furious blushes and managed to lighten the mood significantly. Jane wrapped her arms around me and held me so tightly I wasn’t sure I’d be able to breathe, her mouth close to my ear causing me to shiver when she spoke.

“I remember that night and it was one of the best and worst of my life.” I tried to pull away to ask why but she just hugged me tighter, keeping me still. “I didn’t even want to go to the damn fireworks but you were determined so I figured that if I wanted to spend the evening with you I had no choice. Then those guys started hitting on us and wouldn’t leave us alone but at least it encouraged us to leave. Being under the blanket with you was just wonderful but also painful because I knew that at some point I had to let you go; that I couldn’t hold you and take you to bed like I wanted to because you’re straight.”

This time I did manage to pull away, looking at her incredulously.

“Why the f**k didn’t you say something?” I almost shouted.

“Ellie you’d lost your husband, shown no interest in dating anyone else and YOU. ARE. STRAIGHT!!!! Do you think you’re the only one who was scared of damaging our friendship? If you weren’t receptive, then having your gay friend making inappropriate moves on you while you were still grieving wouldn’t have been a good idea!”

We both just stared at each other, not sure what to do or say next, until Jane summed the situation up perfectly.

“What a pair of idiots!”