Calluses

The Room

Welcome to my humble abode

I sleep in a bed with my wife, she's a stack of half read self help books

We lay together starting at my phone screen for hours and we both wonder what's wrong with my life

Let's throw on something to sleep

How about something educational because knowledge and growth bore me to death.

Maybe I'll look my wife in the eyes for a couple pages

I swear I'll commit to a chapter this time

Maybe I'll write something

A poem, a chapter of one of my many unfinished projects stacked on my desk

Maybe I'll take the pillow as my mistress and cry on her shoulder about how sad my life is

Its midnight and everyone you know is asleep

This is where contemplation of self destruction starts

Your mistress is on top of your wife now

What a whore

What's the meaning of life?

Why do i need someone?

I've been good god

I haven't watched porn in a couple months

I grit my teeth through life even as i get spit on, back stabbed, rejected, and taken for granted

But I'm fine

Behind these doors i just lose my mind

Maybe if i turn out the lights these walls won't be so white

Thank god... i mean excell energy for these led lights.

The white walls are now blue

Blue is the color of calm right

Everything's better

Maybe I'll scroll through f*******: and lose my mind more

Maybe I'll read a self help book and keep growing with nothing to show for it

I've grown so much right?

Everything's falling apart but I'm on the path to being a saint... maybe I'll reach enlightenment when i hit bottom again

I didn't the first time but this will be different

Funny... that's what i said about love

Time to go to bed into the land of dreams

One perk of all my labor in reading is i control my dreams

I sleep and i see everything i wished my life could be

Or i just create a cool story by eating chocolate before bed

Make another literary masterpiece in my head that won't reach paper because i lack the drive to do so

Starving artist, tortured creators beautiful aren't we?

Insane to our core until our creations touch the world

Suddenly this madness has expression

Madness becomes art, art becomes madness

We lose ourselves piece by piece but the paper trail explains why

The paper trail in those composition books

Anyone watch the butterfly affect?

Ever read an old journal entry wishing you could change your whole life?

I'd play it smarter than Kelso... i swear

Just like I've played this game of life so well already.

Let's throw in time travel... good idea

I should go to bed but i lay awake

I cant sleep because these walls stare at me

They tell me that this is my life now

Sadly it makes sense

So long as i care for others i will remain right here.

Maybe that's why nobody takes me serious

Because this happens every night, and nothing happens

No matter how depressed i get

I don't drink, i don't cut, i don't end it

I just sit and feel

Hoping I'll be stronger for it

Strong enough to face another day

Where everyone values me more than i do

You have something to offer

You offer it

That's life

What am i buying with that labor?

Respect? Maybe from people i talk to but barely ever see

Love? Easy to love someone when you need them

Admiration? Nobody calls me strong or driven. Only thing people talk of is what i don't do and what i need to work on... not my accomplishments i wouldnt call that admiration... implied? Sure let me go around assuming people give a s**t.

Practice your meditation

Breathe

Don't think of those fake ass 20 year olds teaching enlightenment when they barely keep their own s**t together

Am i any better

Posting quotes on f*******: when deep down im a bitter, self destructive asshole who calls himself the good guy

For what? Because he plays the martyr when he gives and gives. Rather than doing something for himself he just lays awake thinking about how worthless he is. How he's not enough for anyone. At least emotionally. Im numb

Focus on your breathing, its getting late

Fuck that! Time for a phone game

Puzzles

I fall asleep