Letters With Boys

Memphis and Gray, Week 8 - November

Gray,

Happy November, and sorry I’m such a freak.

I’ve decided to go to therapy, if it helps at all. I can’t actually afford therapy, but Kai’s mom has volunteered to take one for the team. So that’s nice.

Anyway, I’m sorry that I disappeared like that in the morning, and that I got so drunk (okay, and high), and that I got so scared. And that somehow, amidst all that drunkness and scaredness, I still kept intermittently trying to jump your bones. You must have some severe whiplash. Is your neck okay?

If you don’t want to hang out anymore, I understand. It’s probably for the best anyway, as I clearly have my own s**t to figure out before I’m any kind of stable, normal human.

For what it’s worth, I had a lot of fun. Especially the part where we swam in the ocean. I always want to do that at Bridge’s parties, and no one ever agrees to do it with me.

It was freaking freezing, though.

Mem

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Wonderful Mem,

One of these days, you have got to stop apologizing to me. I have had more fun with you in these past few weeks than I ever had before I met you, and I mean that.

I was a little hurt that you left in the morning—I will say that. Falling asleep next to you, even with Bridget watching us like a hawk from the futon, was pretty spectacular, but waking up with you gone was just the opposite. Bridget assured me you were fine, though, so at least I didn’t have to worry. She said to give you time.

I’m fine with giving you time, Mem. I’ll give you whatever you want.

I didn’t necessarily get the impression that you were trying to jump my bones, though now that you’ve admitted it, I’m feeling very flattered. I just kind of thought you were a very passionate, and very talented, kisser.

Truth be told, Tally and Bridget both gave me a lecture while you were getting changed into that ridiculously sexy Courtney Love costume, in which they told me I wasn’t allowed to sleep with you even if you tried. Which, for the record, I wouldn’t have done, anyway. I might not know exactly what happened to you with Lion Tattoo, but I know enough.

Cold as it was, swimming in that beach with you has officially replaced both Babe I’m Gonna Leave You and Future Days in my Best Of memory bank—and not just because it involved you in the sexiest underwear I’ve ever seen. And that’s really saying something, Mem—not the sexy underwear part, but for a non-music-related activity to be my favorite memory. As I’m sure you understand.

How could I possibly want to stop hanging out with you? I want to hang out with you again this instant. Or at least tomorrow, and the day after that. Can I come bring you coffee after school tomorrow? I’ll bring some for the girls, too.

Love,

Gray

P.S.: I think it’s brave that you are going to therapy, and I hope it helps you. But I don’t think you’re crazy or broken, Mem. I think you’re wonderful.

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Gray,

It would be very nice if you came by today. You don’t have to always bring coffee when you come to see me, you know. But I do like coffee, so I won’t complain if you do.

I’m sorry that Tally and Bridget gave you that lecture—and that Bridge stayed in the room with us like that. As you’re probably starting to figure out, I have kind of a weird relationship with s*x. According to Bridge, I sometimes try to use it to “erase something that’s written in ink.” I try not to think too hard about what that means, but I know she must be right, because Bridget is always right.

Anyway, they were probably worried I would try to do that with you last night, which is why they were so… present. They’ll leave us alone eventually, though. They like you. And it’s really saying something when Bridget likes you.

I like you, too. And I’m not even all that scared of you anymore.

Mem

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Mem,

As always, it was wonderful seeing you yesterday. It was especially nice when Bridget and Tally pretended like they had somewhere to be and I was able to get a few minutes of kissing in with you, because now that I know what it’s like to kiss you, it’s even harder for me not to.

I told myself I was going to be a man and ask you this in person, but then you just looked so sweet and tiny in that oversized Ramones tee, and then we were kissing, and then I kind of lost control of all my faculties except kissing. Which will probably happen again the next time I see you. So I decided that writing is safer.

Would it be okay if I asked if we could… sort of… not see other people?

The last thing I want is to scare you again, or to make you feel like I’m trying to control you, or anything like that. And I hate to be the jealous guy, but if I’m being honest, Mem, your last letter scared me a little. I get it, the “using s*x to erase something that’s written in ink” thing. It breaks my heart for you, but I get it. But also, it made me feel kind of sick and angry, imagining you doing that. Not angry at you, but angry at whoever you might be doing that with who isn’t me. 

I’m probably doing a s**t job of explaining this, and you might be mad at me after reading this, but I hope you won’t.

It would just really hurt at this point if you told me you were sleeping with some guy, Mem. I care about you way too much.

I hope it’s okay that I said that. I’m still learning, after all.

Love,

Gray

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Gray,

It’s okay that you said that.

The last thing I want is to hurt you, but I need to think about it.

I hope you understand.

Mem