Helping my crush

Chapter seven - Visiting my mom

Bella's POV:

My walk with Chris wasn't that bad. I didn't tell him anything personal, but I think that it was enough. He is not my friend or someone with who I am close. Moreover, he started talking with me this year. Before, we had never talked. It's not like I mind, but I prefer not to share my personal life with anyone. Chris might be nice to me, but he is still a stranger. As I have said a million times, I don't have time for boys or friends. I can easily leave Emily with miss Adams. I just don't want to do it. She is my sister, and I have to take care of her. Not someone else. If I have to be honest, I can leave her to play with Jasmine. Since they are best friends. That way, I can have more time at home to do my chores. Maybe even to talk with dad. I planned to do that, but I knew he wouldn't listen to me. Well, I have to keep trying. It's for his good. I have already settled my life, but he is too young to give up. I know that even if he starts dating someone, she won't be like my mom. That doesn't mean that he can't try. I want him to be happy, but I don't think he wants the same. I wish that I could talk with someone about this. Maybe I can go to therapy. He is the one who has to go, but I need one as well. The problem is that I don't have much time for that or whatever it is. Emily is old enough to stay at home alone for some time, but I am still scared to leave her.

It's the weekend, so I don't have to get up early. Well, I won't sleep until very late. Someone needs to make breakfast and do the laundry. If you think that during the weekend I have more time, this is not true. I still have schoolwork, dishes, food, and many other things to do. My life is not easy, but I'm not complaining. If I wasn't working that hard, probably the CPS would take us from here. I don't want to stay away from Emily and this is why I do everything. I won't let her be taken away from me.

I woke up and got dressed. Later, I walked downstairs to make breakfast. Today I'll make eggs. It's easy and doesn't take much time. When I was ready, I went to check on dad. He was still sleeping. Last night he came home at 2 am. I don't know what he is doing outside until so late. Probably drinking somewhere. I would gladly go and find where he is, but this will only end with another argument. I had enough of them.

- Dad, wake up. Breakfast is ready.

- I won't eat.

- Please. Do it for me.

- I said that I wouldn't eat.

- Please. You have to eat. If you want, I can bring your breakfast here.

He didn't say anything, got up, and went into the bathroom. Every single day, I have to fight with him. Sometimes I wonder why I even do it. Dad doesn't want to help himself, so why do I have to do it? I won't receive a thank you or make him stay at home more. Soon he came out and walked by me like I was not even in the room.

- Dad, where are you going?

- Outside. I need a drink.

- Can't you do it after breakfast?

- No.

- Please. Why don't you want to stay with us? Every time I ask you, the answer is no. Don't you want to spend some time with me?

- You don't need me.

- That's not true. I need you, but in the state, you were before.

- If I stay here, you will give me a lecture about drinking.

- I won't do anything. I promise. All I want is to spend some time with you. Is it that much?

- Emily is here. Go and spend time with her.

- I am always with her. I want to be with you.

- But I don't.

- What?

- You don't like me the way I am. Why do I have to be with you?

- Dad, how could you say that?

- Truth hurts, but it's better than a lie.

That is not the dad I used to have. I don't know what has happened to him, but he became cold. I would do anything to spend some time with him, but it looks like he doesn't want the same. Then I can't do anything.

- Do you hate me? - I asked with tears in my eyes

- No, but I don't like it when you tell me what to do.

- I do this for you. To help you. I will never do something that you don't like, and you know it.

- How can I be sure? Lately, you have been arguing with me very often.

- Because you don't want to listen to me.

- And you said that I'm guilty.

- Dad, listen to me. What you are doing is not healthy for you. Alcohol won't bring mom back. Moreover, she would never want you to be in the state in which you are right now.

- What did you say?

- What?

- I told you not to mention her!

- She was my mother and your wife. No matter how much you are drinking, this won't change that.

- DON'T TALK ABOUT HER!

- I WILL DO IT, AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING.

Dad didn't say anything and walked away. Great. I turned around and saw Emily. I try to look strong around her, but sometimes I can't do it. She came to me and hugged me. I felt how a couple of tears rolled down. Now it's not the time for a breakdown. I have to be strong for her. Emily doesn't deserve to see me weak.

- I made eggs for breakfast.

- Dad won't come back, right?

- I don't know.

- You are too good to him.

- Let's go to eat.

- You know that we can get out of here. All you have to do is...

- Emily! I won't do that. Now eat.

After breakfast, I decided to go and visit mom. I know that she will listen to me. Up to now, I have never taken Emily with me. One day I will do it. I just don't know what her reaction will be. Also, I don't want to upset her. After all, this is the place where I can let everything out. I got ready and took my sister with me. I will leave her with miss Adams. She can play with Buddy while I am gone. I know that she loves him.

- Hey, miss Adams. Can you watch Emily for a while?

- Of course. You know that I love taking care of her.

- Thank you. Emily, do you want to see Buddy?

She didn't say anything and quickly walked inside. I want to buy her a dog, but I don't know if she will take care of him. I don't have time for that.

- Are you going out with a friend? - miss Adams asked, chuckling

- No, I want to go to one place.

- I understand. Don't you think that it's time to take her with you?

- Maybe. I just don't want to upset her.

- Bella, Emily needs to know who her mother is.

- I know. Next time I will take her.

- It's your decision. Go now. We'll talk later.

- Ok, and thank you.

With that, I walked to my mom's grave. I don't tell dad that I go there because he will get angry. I stooped to get six red roses. These were her favorite flowers. Dad used to buy them once a week for her. They were so happy together, and now, he became someone else. I never thought that love was possible to do so much damage to someone. I left the flowers in the vase and sat in front of her. I felt the tears, but I didn't let them fall.

- Hey, mom. I haven't talked with you in a while. I wish I could say that I am fine, but that would be a lie. Dad is not getting better. Mostly, because he doesn't want to do it. I have to talk with him again, but I know that he won't listen to me. I don't know what else to do anymore. I want to help him, but I can't do it when he doesn't want to help himself. Emily doesn't like him. For her, he is the bad one. No matter what I do, I won't change her mind. She grew up with him being in this state. Why did you leave him? Without you, he is not the same person. Dad has changed so much that I can't even recognize him anymore. He became cold and heartless. We used to spend a lot of time together, and now, he doesn't even look at me. Like I am a stranger. Please tell me what to do. I can't continue like that anymore. Because of him, I have to stay distant from people. How am I supposed to invite someone home when he is acting this way? I am trying to be strong because of Emily, but I can't. Most of the time, I pretend that everything is ok, only not to upset her. I want her to have an ordinary life, but I don't know if I can give it to her. Mom, tell me what to do. Please. You are the only one who left me. - I said, already crying

I know that she can't hear me. Even if I come here every day, this won't help me. I will still have the same life. I wrapped my hands around my legs and nodded my head. No one can help me. I wonder how long I can continue doing this. Soon I felt two hands wrapped around me. It can't be my mom. That is impossible. I looked up and saw Chris. What is he doing here? He didn't say anything and only gave me a sad smile.

- What are you doing here?

- Do you see the grave with the white rose?

- Yes.

- There is my grandma. She has a birthday today.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Don't worry. Granny died ten years ago. I came here to talk with her. Whenever she came for a visit, I received candies. That is not the only reason why I love her, but back then, I was only a kid, just like my sister.

- She must have been a nice woman.

- Yes, she was. You look like your mom.

- Many people tell me this.

- You miss her a lot, don't you?

- I do. Mom's death changed everything at home. Especially my dad.

- I'm sorry. I guess that this is the reason why you don't let people get close to you.

- Yes, it is. I don't want anyone to mess with my life.

- Can I help you with something?

- No, you can't. No one can.

- I want you to know that you can count on me for everything.

- Thanks. Can you do me a favor?

- Sure. What is it?

- Don't tell this anyone? I don't want people to feel sorry for me.

- My mouth is shut.

- Thank you, Chris.

We stayed there and talked for a while. Maybe I can tell Chris everything, but I don't know how he will react. I don't want him to change his mind and stop talking with me. A hug was something that I needed, and he gave me one. Chris might not realize it, but he is a great friend.

I went to take Emily home, but she wanted to stay a little bit more at miss Adam's house. In that case, I can make dinner. Chris offered to walk me home, but I had to deny it. There was a chance that dad was at home, and I didn't want Chris to see him. Not now. If dad gets better, I will happily let him meet Chris. Well, if he gets better. When I said that I didn't want people to feel sorry for me, I included Chris. He is nice to me, but I don't want him to think I need help. Everything is fine. Up to now, I have managed to take control, so we are living well. Since Emily is not complaining, I must have done something right. I hope that one day everything will be the way it used to be.