Blood & Pain: My mafia brothers

Chapter 3: Knox

Knox's p.o.v.

" What are you thinking so hard?"

My brother asked as we stepped inside the Estate. I gave a glance to Felix, ignoring the concerned look he was giving me. " Nothing."

My hands are literally shaking inside my pockets. I can slit anyone's throat without breaking a sweat, yet here I am...climbing up the stairs to Uncle Danie's office and feeling like a child who stole a chocolate.

What's wrong with me?!

It's only a no...he won't be angry with me. He never gets angry with me or my triplets. But he will be disappointed. I am sure. And somehow it's worse than his anger.

Felix clenched my biceps from behind making me stop in my tracks. I glared at him as he pushed me against the wall, " You are clenching your fist more than usual, there is a frown on your forehead...and you even bit your lip once in the car."

I shoved his arms away, " What are you...a pervert?"

I don't need his concern. It takes me longer to understand my emotions than normal people, it doesn't mean I am dumb and he needs to check up on me every time I act strange.

" Everything is alright."

Rome sighed as he leaned on the wall beside me, " Knox, what is it?"

They just can't leave me alone, can they? One day...one day I will kill my brothers, I swear. They have been acting like this since we started training five years ago.

I have had Alexithymia since birth, I was born with it...some genetic disorder. But working in the mafia...then as the Boss, the more I work, the worse this gets.

I can take it though. I can take it all as long as my brothers just stop feeling responsible for it. It's not anyone's fault that I can't feel or understand my emotions... I was always like this. Nothing new.

" Tell us, Knox..."

I sighed as I gazed behind at our cousin Romeo, and that brat Alex. There are guards too with them...waiting for us to come and join the meeting. Uncle Dane couldn't come to the airport because of these foolish elders who wanted a meeting as soon as we set foot in this country.

So here we are. Standing in our headquarters in Los Angeles, we call this gigantic fortress building Estate. My brothers should focus on the meeting...but fuckers are more focused on what I feel. Even I don't know what I feel, how can I tell them?! And I am not telling them anything in front of Romeo, Alex, and our men anyway.

As if Romeo understood what I was thinking...he walked away, gesturing Alex and others to follow him too. s**t. Now I don't have an excuse to keep my mouth shut.

" Knox..."

I groaned as I met the identical green eyes of Felix, " I am going to tell Uncle Dane that I don't want to marry Amalia."

He is frowning at me now, " You are going to say no to Dad?"

" Yes, he will understand."

" Of course he will, that guy will take thousands of bullets for us.", Rome scoffed as he stepped away from the wall and stood beside Felix. Both fuckers are watching me like I am betraying them. I am not. It's a personal choice, nothing to do with the mafia business.

" And this is the first time he asked us to do something... And what's wrong with Amalia anyway?"

Felix nodded his head at Rome's words, " Yeah, I watched her photos too along with Isabella and Bella. All of them have long legs, small tits...big asses and pretty faces. What else do we need?"

Seriously?

" You guys are disgusting.", I glared at my foolish brothers. We are twenty-six, not sixteen. There are other important things than a big ass.

" I need love."

I shouldn't have said that. Because they are laughing at me now. I want to take out their taunting green eyeballs and play pool with them.

" Fine, so who is giving you love, brother?", Felix smirked, " That w***e you have been buying every night for a year now. I am sure even she couldn't take your virginity yet."

" It's none of your business.", s*x is not that important. " And she is not a whore."

" She is a gold digger who agreed to let me f**k her for a night just for some thousands of dollars."

I wasn't even angry when I stared back at Rome, " You won't do this to me."

The only time we shared something was a toy car, that three of us loved so much that we fought for it and broke it into tiny pieces. And since then...we had a silent pact not to take each other things.

And in our teenage years, that also included girlfriends. There was a time...when a girl kissed me, thinking I was Rome because we looked alike and the only way one could differentiate between us is by my glasses and muscles.

Rome is tall and defined...Whereas I have some muscles due to the martial arts I learned. And Felix...he is not even a human. He is an animal. So it's easier to recognize him due to his giant body and weird taste in fashion.

Anyway, after that girl incident, we had our last fight. We never...ever go after the same woman. And Felix and Rome are not interested in anything more than occasional sex...so it was fine either way because I am more interested in other things...like feelings, I can't understand.

Freya was someone I thought I could love. Rome knew it. Felix knew it. There is no way they will go after her. I wanted to say all that...but it took so much energy for me to speak what I think. So I stayed silent instead.

" Rome won't do that to you but she did.", Felix mumbled after a long pause and passed me his phone. The footage of one of the private rooms of our b**m club was playing on it.

" We were only checking her so-called love for you that vanished the second she saw the money. Rome asked, and she said yes."

I stared at the phone...heard her sweet voice, watched her sitting on my brother's lap...before he asked the guards to take her away.

She didn't even tell me this.

Was I wrong to hide what I do...was I wrong to not show her how I cut, and chop, and skin people alive? I should have though. At least that fear would have stopped her from lying to me.

" She said yes, brother.", Rome took the phone away and gave it to Felix. He patted me on my shoulder, forcing my deep green eyes to meet his lighter once. " Love is not an emotion, it's only a mirage. It's time you stop chasing that emotion...try to feel something else, eh?"

But I want to feel normal. Even though I cut, and kill, and torture people practically every other day, and don't feel a thing inside my head while doing it. Yet...yet I wanna feel something. Just a bit at least.

My brothers took a few steps and stood near the window. Felix is smoking now...while Rome is just watching the grey clouds outside. They are waiting for me to figure this out...but it's hard to understand.

I glanced down at my clenched knuckles, can feel sweat rolling down my forehead even in this air conditioner hallway, my eyes are hazy...and it feels someone is punching me in the chest. Even my breaths are heavy.

What is this feeling? I have a degree in psychology... A therapist for the public who doesn't know what work I do at night. Understanding emotions is my profession.

But I can't understand my own.

I took out my phone from my pocket and the cold box of my mother's ring grazed my fingers. It's not Aunt Georgia's. This ring belonged to my real mother Miabella...she died while giving birth to me and my brothers.

And I was going to give this last memory of my mother...to Freya.

Gritting my teeth I dialed the number of one of my most trusted men. He picked up the call on the second ring. " Lorenzo... Freya is with you on the jet?"

I was going to introduce her to the family. Going to introduce her to the most important person in my life, my sister Shouka. I was so sure they were gonna get along. Such a fool I was.

" Yes, boss...she is sleeping right now."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, " Throw her down from the emergency exit. Without a parachute."

There was a silence on the other side. Any other man of mine wouldn't have hesitated. But Lorenzo is also my friend so... He might be trying to figure me out. Ha! Even I can't figure myself out.

" Do it."

This time, he didn't hesitate. I can hear her struggle...her scream, and pleas and cries. There was a loud thud sound from the other side... Lorenzo must have opened the jet's gate.

" STOP..."

" Just take her back to Italy and warn her to never show me her face again.", I grabbed my throbbing head with a hand, yanked my hair. Frustated that why I am doing this. " And give her some money for the hotel bills and all."

" I will." There was a long silence on the other side, before he spoke again. " You alright, kiddo?"

Bastard is only three years older than me but sometimes acts like a big brother. Just like Zero.

I sighed, " Yes."

What would happen... I don't feel a thing anyway.

Before he could ask more foolish questions, I cut the call and leaned my head against the wall...my eyes staring at the gigantic chandelier hanging on the ceiling. Such a pretty fragile thing.

I have no idea what I am feeling. I am feeling something, but I’m unable to distinguish in any real way what that feeling is.

I have no words for emotions.

The only person who used to understand my feelings without me speaking any actual words was my sister, Shouka. But that time I wasn't this f****d up. We will meet after five years tonight...at her birthday party.

But now, I think even she won't be able to understand me anymore.