Where do I begin?

Kabanata 9

Kabanata 9: Matatap

Matatap - malaman

Hindi ko alam gagawin ko. Nakaupo lang ako sa plant box. Kung ano-ano na namang naiisip ko.

"Baka naman kasi celebratory party lang ganun. 'Wag tayong feeling." Tamang paniwala lang sa sarili na hindi pwede yung kung ano mang iniisip ko.

Tinawagan ko si Lyca.

"Hello Ly!" Napalakas ata ang pagkakasabi ko.

"Ano ba yun?" pabulong niyang banggit.

"Hindi ko alam gagawin ko. Sobrang kinakabahan ako. Sasabog na ata puso ko."

"Jusko anong nangyayari? Dalian ang chika. May meeting kami."

"Kakain kami sa labas."

"Nino? Ni Ali? Eh magkasama nga kayo araw-araw, gabi-gabi."

"Sige na nga mag-meeting ka na diyan."

"Ang puso bes. Ingat ka diyan." Pang-aasar niya.

"Bye." Sabay binabaan ko na siya.

Salamat na lang sa lahat. Joke. Grabe mas nadagdagan lang yung kaba ko.

Natanaw kong papalapit na si Ali. Yung buhok niya, ganun pa rin ang ayos, naka-slick back. Tapos nag-jeans na siya at plain white shirt sa loob ng black windbreaker without hood.

"Parating na yung Grab. Lakad na tayo sa labas."

The tension. I can feel it. I don't know if it's because of my happy feeling or something else. But more than that, I'm kinda scared and anxious.

Tahimik lang kaming naglalakad. Walang bibig na bumubuka at nais na patigilin ang katahimikan. Medyo magkalayo kami sa isa't isa.

Finally, I thought of something to say.

"Kailan mo sinulat yung piece mo kanina?" I looked at him. I needed to put some effort to look up on him.

Nag-isip siya.

"Last Saturday and Sunday."

"Oh ang bilis. Tapos na-memorize mo agad."

Pagkalabas namin ng school ay nandun na yung Grab. Pinagbuksan niya 'ko ng pinto at pinaunang sumakay. Sa likod kami pareho.

Another silent moments. Nakatingin lang ako sa labas, sa mga dumadaan na sasakyan salungat sa amin.

"You want to listen to some music?" He offered his earphones.

Kinuha ko yung para sa kanang tenga. He's playing "Time Slows Down" by Alea Gabrielle.

I'm put at ease. My thoughts suddenly left my mind. Tinignan ko siyang nakatingin sa labas. Napatingin siya sa 'kin. Pero umiwas agad ako ng tingin.

Maya-maya pa ay nakarating na kami sa kung saan. Ang nakikita ko lang ay may mataas na building.

"Tara. Sa taas tayo."

"Hotel?"

"No. Sa rooftop resto nila tayo."

"Wow. Hindi ba masyadong magastos?"

"My treat. Besides, you're the reason the many things that happened."

"Ha?"

"Hotdog."

Hinampas ko siya sa braso. Natawa lang siya. Napaka-corny talaga.

Pumasok na kami sa loob at dumiretso sa elevator.

Sobrang elegante sa loob. Kulay gold na pader na may tint ng black. As in royalty ang theme at design ng paligid pati ng mga gamit.

31st floor ang pinindont ni Ali. Medyo mataas din. I mean sa iba mas matataas pa lalo.

Pagbukas ng elevator ay bumungad ang mailaw na paligid. May mga fairy lights na nakasabit sa mga poste. Mahangin at medyo malamig. Maraming halaman sa bawat sulok.

"Name sir," wika ng receptionist.

"Alizir Hontiveros." sagot niya.

The receptionist proceeded in checking his name.

"Ok sir table for 2. Follow our waiter."

Naupo kami sa may bandang dulo kung saan walang mga taong haharang para matanaw ang buong syudad.

"Ikaw na bahala sa order." Bilin ko sa kaniya.

Tumingin lang ako sa paligid habang nagsasabi ng order si Ali. First time ko lang din makakita ng ganitong view. Sa movies ko lang naman 'to napapanood. School-bahay type of student since the beginning of time.

"Picture-an mo 'ko." Utos ko sa kaniya.

Inabot ko sa kaniya ang phone ko at kinuha niya. Tumayo ako at pumwesto na sa likod ko ang tanawin.

"1... 2..." he counted.

"Isa pa," sabi ko.

Pero ayun naka-ilang take din ng pictures. Minsan lang naman ako nandito, eh.

"Sige tama na 'yan." Tumalikod na 'ko kay Ali at humarap ako sa tanawin. Dinantay ko yung mga braso ko sa pader.

Biglang may nag-flash at nakarinig ako ng shutter click. Para akong nag-buffering at matapos ang ilang segundo, tsaka lang ako lumingon.

"Teka punta 'ko diyan."

Inutusan niya ang waiter na kunan kaming dalawa ng litrato.

My heart is skipping a beat habang katabi ko siya.

Kinukunan lang kami ni Kuya pero wala na 'kong malay sa mga nangyayari. Everything feels so surreal. It's so amazing how can one person feel you this way. Something that you've never felt before.

"Upo ka na tayo." Tawag sa 'kin ni Ali. Tapos na pala ang photoshoot.

Dumating na ang order namin.

Naghihintay lang ako na mag-initiate siya about sa mga gusto niyang pag-usapan o itanong ko. Kinakabahan na naman ako.

"Kanina yung sabi mo ako ang reason sa maraming bagay..." I opened up.

"You're my inspiration writing that. Ikaw ang dahilan ba't muli akong nagsulat. And to also try doing that."

"That's my pleasure!" 'Yun na lang ang nasabi ko.

"I meant everything that I said. That's how thankful I am for you."

Naramdaman ko yung sincerity niya, the way how his eyes are gleaming. I am so touched. There's no way I ever thought that I'll be that special to someone or even be thankful for my existence.

"Thank you." I tried reciprocating the sincerity that he transcends.

"I didn't intend to win or anything but I don't know how tell you all of those. So I decided to join."

"Edi narinig ng lahat. Mas nakakahiya."

"You're not something to be kept and hidden. You're a precious human being. You're true. You're genuine."

Pero hindi ko nga magawang maging ako o masabi kung ano ako sa mga magulang ko.

He doesn't stop giving me butterflies in my stomach. I am so moved. I am feeling so shy. I don't know what to do or how to act.

"Salamat kasi I am not trying to please people naman but someone sees my worth, I guess."

"You are."

I can't help but be emotional.

"'Wag mo nga kong pinapaiyak. Ok na 'yun. Thank you for making me feel somehow important or worthy of feeling important." Sabay natawa na lang ako at may pagpunas sa patulo ng luha.

I have always felt that I am no special. Just a mediocre jack of all trade person wading out in the dark. Navigating through a life that's partly not for me and made for me by the others. Didn't get a chance to wander and discover what I want or know where I should be going.

Pero TJ, this is not right! Magugulo ang lahat. Magkakagulo ang lahat. Matahimik ka na lang please?

Naisip ko sina Mama at Papa. Naisip ko ang tao sa paligid ko. Lahat ng sasabihin nila. Lahat ng kung anong masama o magulo na mangyayari. Natakot ako.

"Gusto ko lang malaman mo na I want to know you better."

Biglang umulan. Biglaan ding lumakas.

Nagsialisan agad ang mga tao.

"Tara na, Ali." Unti-unti na kaming nababasa ng ulan.

He suddenly looks so frustrated. But he removed his jacket and covered it on our heads as we run towards the elevator.

Bumaba kami sa ground floor. Nagulat ang marami sa tunog ng NDRRMC alert na sabay-sabay nagkasabay-sabay. Medyo nakaririndi dahil ang dami at parang umaalingaw-ngaw. Pero at least we got the alert the we needed.

"Mukhang babaha pa," sabi ng katabi naming babae.

"Ang lakas na raw ng ulan," sabi ng isa pang lalaking nasa tabi namin.

"Gusto mo ba ituloy na lang natin ang dinner sa hotel room? Palipasin lang natin ang gabi." Ali offered. He said it as if he's wanting to finish something he wasn't able to.

Pumayag na lang ako. Wala na rin namang magagawa. Alangan namang ipagpilitan kong umuwi habang umuulan nang malakas.

So he checked us in and got us our key. Dumiretso na kami sa room 467.

"Ang laki na ng nagagastos mo," wika ko.

"Don't mind it. At least we're safe."

Pagpasok namin ay nagtanggal muna kami ng sapatos. Naupo ako sa kama at si Ali naman ay nag-cr.

Paglabas niya ay naupo siya sa tabi ko.

"Nood na lang tayo ng movie. May wine diyan." He suggested.

"Ok lang sa 'kin. Chill lang tayo."

He requested for a bottle of wine sa receptionist through the telephone.

Naghilamos lang ako at bumalik din sa kama.

Hindi na namin rinig ang lakas ng ulan. Hindi na rin namin dama ang lakas ng hangin. Malamig sa kwarto at nandiyan na naman yung kaba na hindi mo mawari.

Nakadantay kaming dalawa sa headboard habang nanonood at hawak ang glass of wine.

Love, Rosie ang naka-play sa TV. Isang pelikula na lahat na ng pait at sakit ay narito na.

I am silently crying while he's emotionless looking like thinking about something else. But we're both sympathizing with the protagonists.

"Bakit ganun no? Kung kailan pwede na yung isa, doon naman hindi pwede ang isa. Laging wrong timing."

"Lagi kasi tayong naghihintay sa perfect timing. It shouldn't be like that. We make the time perfect."

Napaisip ako sa balak kong pagkusap sa mga magulang ko.

"Pero hindi ba kung sila, sila. Like nakatadhana na?"

"Syempre hindi 'yun mangyayari nang walang intervention ng mismong sarili natin. Just like prayers without actions."

He looked at me and said,

"Gusto kita."

Napatingin ako sa kaniya.

"Ano?" I sounded shocked and confused at the same time. Tama ba pagkakarinig ko?

"Gusto kita." He repeated.

"You're gay?"

"I just want to be clear that I am also attracted to the opposite s*x. So I'd like to go with the bi label. That I am not choosing a side and treating bisexuality as a gray area of personality."

"That's the common misconception. That if you choose the opposite, you're straight. Then if you choose same s*x, you're gay. That's why bisexuality is being erased."

"Isang bagay lang naman, eh. That we stop assuming people's gender. That it's some sort of entertainment and chismis to talk about and confirm with."

"Then what about pansexuals?"

"Bisexuality is not limited to a mix of men and women. It can be a mix of 2 or more genders. On the other hand, pansexuals are attracted to all genders in terms of personality." He explained and emphasized all. "Ikaw ba?"

Napaisip ako.

"All I know is I'm attracted to same sex."

Natahimik kami panandalian.

"So gusto mo 'ko? Talaga?" I'm trying to hide my happiness from the inside.

"Yes. That's why I said earlier that I want to know you more."

"Same. I really do," I said.

"So may I court you?" he just asked it out of nowhere.

I am startled. I almost lost grip holding my glass of wine. That's fast and I didn't expect that from him.

Should I be selfish now? Should I accept it? It's the only time that someone wants me.

"I don't know if I am ready. I don't know if ok lang kina Mama at Papa. I can't put you in a hiding place."

"But I am more than willing to tell my parents about you."

"Parents?"

"Yes. I'll explain it to you."

"You'll do that for me?"

"Yes." he answered in an instant without any hesitation.

But if I'm asked the same, I wouldn't answer the same way. I just know I couldn't. Unless I have somewhere to live if I got disowned and kicked out of our house.

Masaya yung nararamdaman ko. Pero sa mga naiisip ko, unti-unti itong napapalitan ng takot at pangamba.

"I'm saying yes to you but give me time to tell my parents about us."

"I'll take that. I won't force you. I'll help you in everything that I can. You got me." He's so delighted and his eyes are shimmering with tears that might fall soon enough.

I hugged him.

"Thank you," I said in an endearing way.

"No, thank you!"

So it's a mutual understanding? Tapos we're dating? Kaso super private? What a cruel world we live in.

Inaamin ko na hindi na ko masyadong nakapag-iisip. Sawa na 'ko sa pakiramdam na laging parang nakakadena o posas. Can't I just do whatever I want or whatever I love for once? Like especially someone's wanting to be with me right now. Why would I make him leave me? I don't want to think anymore. Nakababaliw. We don't even know what will happen tomorrow. Everything's uncertain. But right now there's one or two that I am sure of — what I like and what I feel.

Is it lying? Is it lying if I won't tell him that I am not out yet? It's not, right? 'Cause he didn't ask. And besides I am not mostly living at home anymore. I am free. Baka 'pag sinabi ko sa kaniya, lumayo na siya. He won't dare to court me still. I'd lose him. I want him. I want him to stay with me. Am I too arrogant and self-centered? It's my only chance to be loved at this moment.

I hope this dream will never end. Please make a loop of this night. I don't want to face everything outside this building once we're out.

"You plan to tell your parents about me?" he asked then sipped some more wine.

"Wait. Speaking of parents, tell me about your parents. I am confused."

...

"Huwag magdesisyon kapag nasa sukdulang emosyon,

Kaakibat nito ay pagsisisi sa t'wing hindi pinag-iisipang mabuti."

- vin