FRIEND OF MINE (2nd Generation HUGS)

Chapter 10 -I Am Torn

Chapter 10 -I Am Torn

Bigla akong natuuhan at napahinto after I have downed several glasses. I gazed at myself in front of a slant mirror na nasa racks ng liquor shelves, I looked so disoriented and disheveled who sobers and misbehaves unmannerly like an ungrown man. 

Why am I acting like this? Why am I even distraught and angry? For what? Bakit ba ako nagkakaganito ngayon? Bakit suddenly ay ang bilis ko na lang magalit at mainis? Hindi naman ako ganitong kumilos dati. Before, I was calm and I dealt with situations in a professional manner. Pero bakit ngayon ganito ako kumilos na para bang wala ako sa tamang pag-iisip ko? It’s as if na parang wala akong pinag-aralan sa ginagawa ko ngayon. 

Agad kong binitawan ang rock glass and straighten my back before I finger comb my hair. I need to think things out. Hindi pwedeng ganito ako palagi because this is not who I really am. This is not me so I have to figure things out kung bakit suddenly ay ganito na lang ang mga kinikilos ko. Mabilis akong tumayo and went back to my room, nakita ko ang basag kong phone sa sahig kaya nilapitan ko ito at pinulot. I remind myself na bukas ay bibili ako ng phone in replace with my broken one. Kinuha ko ang sim card at nilagay ang sirang phone sa trash bin. Then I quickly went to the bathroom and take a cold shower once again. After cooling myself ay umupo ako sa coffee table and take several deep breaths to clear and relax my mind. Nang sa tingin ko ay kumalma na ang mind ko ay sinimulan ko nang i-sort ang mga bagay-bagay. Starting from the time I came back here in the country upto this very minute. It took me not just an hour to sort everything, to sort not just in my head but also what’s inside my heart at napamura ako ng malakas when realization hit me. 

‘s**t! Ang tanga mo Ziggy! So stupid of you not to figure it out earlier! You’re so stupid Zeus Genesis!’ I pound the coffee table top out of frustrations and regret. ‘Bakit ngayon ko lang na-realized ang lahat? f**k! Why just now Ziggy! Christ!’ 

Kaya pala iba ang mga kinikilos ko lately towards her, kaya pala iba ko siya tingnan when she was here in the country, kaya pala ganun na lang kung mag-react ako towards Triton kaya pala ang dali kong mainis sa mga bagay that pertains to her… s**t kaya pala! Kaya pala I was and still is acting strange was because I am starting to feel odd for my best friend. There is something different on the way I see her now. Hindi na kagaya noon na normal lang ang lahat ng tingin ko sa kanya. Hindi kagaya noon na walang malice lang ang lahat. Now it is far more contrasting than before, now it has blossomed into something deeper and something greater. What I feel now is beyond friendship. But the question is, paano na ngayon? 

Paano na ngayon that she have already decided to distance herself from me? Paano na ngayon that she started dating her ex again and who knows, baka nga sila na ulit? Paano na ngayon that I am in a relationship with Phoebe and I am committed already? Ano na ang gagawin ko ngayon? Could I bear to risk our friendship in exchange sa nararamdaman ko para sa kanya na ngayon ko lang natuklasan? Can I face the consequences if ever na magtatapat ako sa kanya of what I have learned just right now tapos in the end ay hindi naman niya masusuklian ang nararamdaman ko because she is giving her ex a chance into her life once again? Maibabalik ko ba ang pagkakaibigan namin sakaling umamin ako sa kanya na mahal ko siya bilang babae at hindi lang bilang kaibigan ko kapag tinanggihan niya ako? Can I risk our friendship just because I am falling for her?

My head literally aches with dozens of questions running inside my mind. Ang daming tanong na hindi ako sigurado sa sagot. Sana pala noon ko pa nalaman ito, noong time na hindi pa ako committed para wala akong masaktan na ibang tao. It would have been better if I was single nang matuklasan ko ito, mas madali sana ang lahat. So anong gagawin ko ngayon for me not to hurt my girlfriend yet to love my best friend at the same time? I am torn between the two women that are important to me right now. I am torn between the woman I just knew a year ago whom I knew I love and who has loved me to the woman I knew since time memorial whom I knew was a part of my existence and has a huge effect on me. What shall I do?

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I will not go complacent with my status in Ziggy’s heart, because I knew for a fact that his best friend has a thing on him kahit pa she has denied it in front of me. Babae rin ako at ramdam kong something is different with the way she stares at him. Another thing that still gravely bothers me is Ziggy. Although he has confessed several times that it was I who he loves more at ako ang girlfriend niya, that I shouldn’t be jealous of his best friend and that there is nothing to be jealous about dahil sadyang close lang talaga sila yet, I can’t help it. I can’t help but to think of things that might lead my relationship with Ziggy on a cliff. I will admit na nagseselos ako kay Bella. Who wouldn’t when I see them too close with each other in front of me pa? It is a normal feeling for a girlfriend to act this way especially when you see another woman whom your boyfriend is very affectionate with. How he cares for her, how he usually thinks about her welfare, how he mentions her name, how he tells stories about their childhood years and their past… Who wouldn’t get jealous right? Well honestly, Bella is a beautiful woman. It’s not debatable. She is smart and elegant, charming and demure plus the fact that almost everybody adores her. Anong laban ko kung aminin nga niya na mahal niya si Ziggy? Anong laban ko sa bond that they already have since the beginning? Wala. Wala akong laban kung sa patagalan ng pagsasama ang pag-uusapan. I heard stories before of a best friend being the third party of a relationship. What's worse, when the female asks her partner to choose, the male chooses his best friend over her. Sad but true. And I wouldn’t dare do that to Ziggy, I am scared of what his answer will be. But I can’t just sit and wait for what will happen next, I need to do something. As they always say, prevention is better than cure. So I have to act quickly, bago pa mahuli ang lahat para sa akin, para sa relationship namin ng taong mahal na mahal ko. 

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‘Kuya?’ I heard Zinnie’s voice outside my room. ‘Your girlfriend’s here.’ nagulat ako saka napatingin sa wrist watch ko. Ang usapan namin ay ako ang susundo sa kanya today. Wala sa usapan namin na siya ang pupunta dito sa mansion ngayon araw. Bakit kaya? 

‘I’ll be down in a minute, Zinnie!’

I quickly wear my polo before combing my hair then after grabbing my car key and wallet, I head towards the door. I saw my girlfriend in the living room. She immediately stood up when she saw me and that’s when I noticed what she was wearing. Instead of her usual blouse and skirt or sundress, she wore fitted jeans and a polo shirt today then her hair is in a messy bun. I automatically smile when I remember Bella, she often wears this kind of outfit.

‘Hi Babe.’ she clung to my neck and gave me a peck on my cheek. ‘I hope you didn’t mind kung ako na ang nagpunta dito now. Ang aga ko kasi nagising then I didn’t want to wait long kaya I thought na ako na lang ang susundo sayo.’ I place a strand of her hair sa likod ng ear niya like I always do kay Bella before smiling broadly at her. 

‘Nah, that’s alright. So shall we go? Nag-breakfast ka na ba?’

‘I just had an orange juice na at the hotel.’

‘Let’s eat breakfast first. There’s a 24 hours fast food nearby, kain muna tayo dun bago tayo pumunta sa lakad natin today.’

‘Alright, if you say so.’

Ang daming pinamili ni Phoebe. Halos lahat nalang ng makita niya sa souvenir shop ay binili niya for her friends. We ended up at her hotel suite dahil syempre ay hinatid ko siya. She insisted na sabay na kaming mag-dinner at the hotel’s restaurant which I agreed upon since almost 8 na rin naman. After dinner ay niyaya niya ako to watch a movie, umoo ako since a day after tomorrow ay babalik na siya ng States. Mauuna ang pag-alis niya sa akin since she need to be back to work while ako ay next week pa ang flight schedule ko. I made her choose a movie, she selected an actionomance. I grabbed a canned beer and handed her a chip. Then I placed a bottle of water at the center table before I sat beside her on the couch. She lean her body at my chest kaya inakbayan ko siya as we watch. Nasa kalagitnaan na kami ng pinapanood namin and I am with my third can when her hand starts to draw circles sa stomach ko. It made me giggle dahil may kiliti ako sa tiyan. 

‘Stop that.’ I gently tap her hand kaya natawa din siya.

‘Gusto ko lang maglambing Babe. Aalis na ako and I will miss being with you.’ her hand went up and gently caress my neck while her eyes are fixed at me pero ang mga mata ko ay nakatuon sa pinapanood ko. ‘Babe?’

‘Mmm.’

‘Can you kiss me?’ bigla akong napatingin sa kanya. But what confuses me was when I saw Bella’s image instead of hers kaya mabilis ko rin binawi ang tingin ko sa kanya. ‘Babe.’ She held my face and forced me to look again at her. When our eyes were locked, she immediately kissed me with passion. It startled me but I replied to her kiss, it started mild hanggang sa medyo naging intense na ang kiss niya. She sits on my lap astridingly then puts my hands behind her buttocks. ‘Stay for the night Babe.’ her lips travel down to my neck, nipping it as her fingers rake through my hair. My body starts to react as she mildly rocks her hips on top of me. 

‘We better stop this before things get out of hand.’ I grabbed her waist at aalisin ko na sana siya sa ibabaw ng lap ko when she suddenly held my nape tight and looked straight into my eyes. 

‘Please make love to me tonight Babe. We haven’t done it yet, I am ready now. I am not scared anymore, we can do it tonight.’ She smiled sweetly at me before ravishing my lips once again. 

I am tempted by her offer, who wouldn’t when a gorgeous lady is sitting on your lap and kissing you feverishly. I can feel her readiness even if hindi ko siya hawakan. She placed my right hand on one of her breasts and moved it with her hand that made her moan and arched her body forward. She is an awesome sight to behold, such beauty with a body to desire at. Nagtatalo ang isip ko and the urge of my body. I never slept with any woman before, although it is normal for a man to do it to himself, which I have done so many times before. Kaya ganito na lang ka-intense ang nararamdaman ko right now because this is one of my fantasies, a woman sitting on top of me while begging me to make love to her. 

‘Phoebe…’

‘You love me right? I love you so much Babe. And I want to be your first.’ She starts to unbutton my polo as she continues to trail hot kisses on my neck down to my now exposed chest. She immediately removed her polo shirt matapos niyang buksan ang polo ko, revealing her flawless smooth skin and proud breasts wrapped over a black lacy brassiere. Her breast is round and full, I started imagining its peak inside my mouth. Napapikit ako sa naisip ko, my mind is starting to think of wild acts with her. When I open my eyes, her bare breasts greets me majestically. Nawala na ang lahat ng pagtitimpi ko sa sarili ko. I mold her breasts with shaking hands and latch on her right peak with my hungry mouth. ‘Babe…’ She offered herself even more, pushing her body forward as I feast on her proud mounds. My other hand teases her left mound as her mouth pleasures her right. ‘Hmm…’ I can feel her soaking down there already that excites my maleness even more. My hand left her mound and hastily grabbed the center of her pants, rubbing my fingers with enough force that made her cry in pleasure. ‘Ahhh s**t!’ I knew she was ready so I laid her on the couch, both her legs clung at my waist. But the minute I reopened my eyes to gaze at her, mukha ni Bella ang nakita ko that made me freeze abruptly. 

‘f**k!’ mabilis akong tumayo at lumayo sa kanya. Para akong biglang napaso at natauhan sa ginawa ko. Suddenly I feel guilty sa hindi ko malaman na dahilan. 

‘Babe? Are you alright?’ lumapit siya sa akin but I distance myself even more sa kanya. 

‘I’m sorry Phoebe. I can’t do it. I’m so sorry.’ taka siyang tumingin sa akin. 

‘Why? May mali ba sa akin Babe?’

‘No, no. Not you Phoebe. I… I just can’t do it. I’m sorry.’ Then I quickly walk towards the door. But before I open it ay muli akong tumingin sa kanya. She is crying with disbelief and there’s a questioning look in her eyes. ‘I will call you tomorrow, I apologize.’ Then I left.

Paglabas na paglabas ko ng hotel, I rush to where my car was parked. Malakas kong nasuntok ang car ko then I pound the steering wheel hard nang makapasok ako sa loob. I am mad with myself. How did I allow that to happen? Muntik na akong mapasok sa isang bagay na pwede kong pagsisihan in the end. Muntik na akong nakagawa ng isang bagay na alam kong mali at hindi dapat. Mabuti na lang nakita ko ang mukha niya, mabuti na lang ay ganun ko siya nirerespeto that her face alone made me stopped to commit a guilty act.

‘Thank you Bella. You saved me.’ nakayakap ako sa steering wheel as thoughts of her enter my mind. The warmth I always feel everytime she smiles and the lightness inside my heart everytime I hear her laugh. ‘I miss you so much. God, I miss you Bella. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Mababaliw yata ako sa kakaisip ko sayo. You are always in my mind. Nakikita ko palagi ang mukha mo, that beautiful face of yours and how you smile at me. I long to be with you again. Mahal na kita Pretty Bella Smith, and I don’t know what to do now. I’m too confused. Lord help me please. I need her, I need her in my life. Mawala na ang lahat huwag lamang siya. I don’t know if I can live without you.’ tears start to drop from my eyes. ‘I love you Bella.’

The following day, maaga ako sa REIZ AIRLINES. Although I didn’t have much sleep ay nagawa ko parin na maging maaga ngayon. No, I don’t intend to work today pero I need to book a flight to San Francisco at gusto ko ay ang pinaka-maagang flight ang ma-booked ko. If possible today then well and good, but if not, bukas. I’ve already called Phoebe kanina on my way here. Ayoko man but I told her na hindi ko siya masasamahan bukas, nag-alibi na lang ako sa kanya. Alam kong masama ang loob niya but I have no choice. Hindi matahimik ang isip ko and I need to see Bella as soon as possible. Mabuti na lang I caught a flight today, this evening papuntang San Francisco. Pagkakuha ko ng ticket ko ay mabilis akong bumalik sa mansion to pack. Then nang magutom ako ay bumaba ako sa kitchen only to find my sister together with Mama na nagluluto. 

‘Ma.’

‘Yes anak?’

‘I will be leaving the country later this evening.’ I said while preparing a sandwich.

‘Why so sudden Kuya?’

‘Oo nga! Hindi ba ay next week pa ang alis mo?’

‘I need to be in San Francisco.’

‘San Francisco?’ sabay pang tanong nilang dalawa. I just nod before taking a huge bite on my sandwich. ‘Anong meron sa San Francisco anak?’ I saw my sister smiling widely at alam ko na alam niya why naiba ang destination ko. Kasali si Zinnie sa group chat namin ng 2nd Generation HUGS and I perfectly knew that she knows why I will be going to San Francisco tonight.

‘Ehem! I smell something.’ Zinnie teasingly said while stirring something in a pot.

‘Do I need to know something Ziggy?’

‘Wala Ma. Sinabi ko lang para alam nyo that I will be leaving tonight. From there ay patuloy na ako in LA to work.’ 

‘You’re not into trouble are you?’

‘Papunta pa lang sa trouble Ma. Hahahaha!’ tumaas ang isang eyebrow ni Mama sa sinabi ni Zinnie. 

‘Ziggy, if there is something that you need to confide with me ay magsabi ka. Hindi porket malaki na kayo ay hindi nyo na ako isasali sa mga problems nyo. I am still your mother. And I am always here for the both of you ng kapatid mo.’ I looked at her and I saw love in her eyes.

‘I knew that Ma, thanks. But I need to face this on my own.’

‘Go Kuya! You have my 100% support!’ natawa ako sa sinabi ni Zinnie with matching thumbs up pa talaga. 

‘Naku ewan ko sa inyo. Zinnie, grab the platter! Let’s have lunch together, all three of us since aalis na pala itong Kuya mo mamaya!’ 

‘Where’s Dad by the way?’

‘Na kila Tito Poseidon.’

‘Tara na sa dining table Ziggy! Zinnie, bring that platter with you!’ nauna na lumabas ng kitchen si Mama.

‘Nauntog ka na Kuya? You’re following Ate Bella in San Francisco? I heard sila na ulit ni Troy.’ napatingin ako sa kanya. ‘I wish you luck, dear brother. But if ever, buti nga sayo! Ang bagal mo kasi pinakawalan mo pa si Ate Bella!’

‘MA! SI ZINNIE AYAW DALHIN ANG PLATTER!’ She stuck out her tongue first before leaving the kitchen.

‘s**t! Is that true? Sila na nga ba ulit ni Troy Anderson? Mukhang mapapasabak ka sa matinding labanan Ziggy.’ I exhale deeply before following my sister. 

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