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Chapter 4.

It's been a week, buong linggo din akong bumalik-balik sa tree house para tingnan yung babae pero wala na siya kinabukasan lang, mabilis din akong bumabalik sa bahay para walang makahalata ng pag-alis ko.

Malaki ang ipinayat ni mama dahil sa tatlong araw na hindi siya kumain, I couldn't even look at her because it is my own fault and I feel very much guilty of what happen to her.

What's saddening is she never blame me and just smile whenever she see me,it hurts me more.

My mother is a very kind, caring and heart warming person. She is not just a beauty and brain, shealso has good attitude but my father always say that she's stupid even though it's not true.

I spent my 2 months vacation persuading my father to enroll me in high school and reading books and reading more books actually the 3 of us in our certain chosen fields.

We never heard about the girl again, we all think that she is not from here, we never see her before even when we are kids.

"Dad please, let me enroll." I said pleading, almost crying out inside his office in our house.

I have been doing this for almost a month now, I know he will not let me but I am importunate for asking him every night about me studying in high school.

In this town studying in high school is normal but for girls to study in high school is a privilege and only rich of the richest can afford, that is why girls never enter high school and not everyone dares because of expenses, some says they will just teach about being a mother and such but for me it is a big thing because it is close for me being a lawyer.

Even if a lot of families here are rich they don't send their daughters to school because they think it's just a waste and I want to prove them wrong.

"Pa please!!" I pleaded and rubbing my two hands on each other.

"No, you will not." he said with finality and horror in his voice.

"Sige na Pa."

"I will not let you enter in any damn school. Hindi ko papasakitin ang ulo ko dahil lang sa mga pipitchugin mong pangarap."

It hit me right through my chest and I can feel it tightening and numbing.

"Pa! Hindi pipitchugin ang pangarap ko, kasi yun din yung gusto mong gawin ni kuya." I answered back with a bit high pitch.

Tiningnan niya naman ako ng masama, I know hindi ko dapat siya sinasagot pero hindi niya rin dapat hinahamak ang propesyon na gusto ko.

"Just dad, please!" I said pleading again almost crying.

My vision is being blurry at alam kong ilang minuto nalang ay papatak na ang mga luha na nasa puno ng mata ko.

"Please dad." this time I literally beg.

Nakaluhod ako sa sahig namin habang nakahawak sa pantalon niya.

"YOU WILL NOT, AND YOU WILL NEVER." pinal na pinal at malakas niyang sigaw sa akin.

Malakas niya ding kinalas ang magkakakapit ko sa pantalon niya kaya napasalampak ako sa sahig.

At that moment I cried.

"You should have died, than giving me headache." mahina niyang sabi pero dinig na dinig ko.

That whole room witnessed how painful that rejection is and every word that comes out in his mouth.

I feel like a jelly slowly sliding down on the floor and I feel losing air, my lung airways are tightening and my heart is pumping so fast.

ALL I CAN SAY IS, IT HURTS ALOT SO MUCH.

At that very moment I want to die, I just lose hope from the person I admired the most.

"Please, magpapakabait ako. I'll be good, I will never disappoint you. Sige na Pa please." I said crying as I sit again, alam kong masakit na pero kailangan kong subukan hanggat kaya kong tumanggap ng masasakit na salita, hanggat kaya ko pa.

But he just ignored me like I wasn't there. Ilang minuto din akong umupo doon na parang pulubi at nanglilimos ng kahit kaunting awa, but my father is stone cold, he never I look at me even a bit.

He even look relieve ng tumayo ako at lumakad na papauntang pintuan.

"I will never let you study, at kahit umiyak kapa ng dugo at magpakamatay sa harap ko hindi pa din ako papayag." he said before I went out.

Pakiramdam ko kinidlatan ako ng paulit-ulit sa bawat salitang sinasabi niya.

I don't understand how can it hurt more, masakit na pero mas sumasakit pa sa bawat salitang binibitawan niya.

I hurriedly go to my room and cry, masakit na kahit kelan hindi ka minahal ng tatay mo at hinding-hindi ka niya mamahalan. That your never enough just because your a girl.

Hindi ko alam kong ano ang mas masakit ang walang ama o ang meron pero parang wala.

I cried for hours and hours,i didn't even eat.

Pangarap ko na maging proud siya sa akin, that is why I am doing everything para matuwa man lang siya sa akin, lagi kong hinihigitan lahat ng achievements ng mga kapatid ko.

But I know deep inside, there is no race... ako lang yung gumagawa noon kasi ako lang yung hindi pinapahalagahan ni papa.

And I envy them for that, dahil hindi nila kailangan sunugin ang utak nila para matuwa sa kanila si papa, hindi nila kailangang magpuyat para mapangiti si papa. At higit sa lahat hindi nila kailangang gumawa ng kahit ano dahil una palang mahal na sila ni papa.

And I hate myself for that, alam ko namang ayaw sakin ni papa, but I always push things kasi as a child I want to experience things na nararamdaman nila kuya.

Ang magkaroon ng tunay na ama.

The pain that I feel become one of the reason that I fell into sleep. When I wake up magang-maga ang mga mata ko para akong kinagat ng alupihan sa mata kagabi.

Naghilamos lang ako at hinintay na lumiit ng konti ang mata ko bago bumaba.

As I went down, they are eating. Walang bago, parang hindi ako nagmakaawa at umiyak kagabi ni hindi man lang ako tiningnan ni papa kahit sulyap.

It pains me, pero ayaw ko ng umiyak kaya pinigilan ko ang sarili ko na mag-isip ng mga bagay-bagay.

I read all day, marami kasi akong kinuhang aklat sa library ni kuya pero patuloy na nag-iisip kong paano mapapapayag si papa.

It become my routine sa buong linggo. At ngayong linggo handa na naman akong magmakaawa, let's say for the past days nag-iipon ako ng tibay at lakas ng loob. Masakit din kasi ang mareject araw-araw.

Nag-ipon ako ng madaming hangin at malakas ko yung ibinuga, kanina ko pa ginagawa to. I'm actually setting a time when the clock strike 8 papasok na ako sa office ni papa dito sa bahay.

Wala naman siyang pinupuntahan maliban doon. I just have 10 minutes left.

Kumatok na ako sa pintuan niya at pumasok, hindi ko na din hinintay na sumagot siya dahil kapag nalaman niyang ako ay mabilis niyang nirereject.

"Pa-

"Pumapayag na ako." he said with a fainted-voice.

"Really?" I ask with so much happiness, tumakbo pa ako papalapit sa kanya at akma siyang yayakapin pero na pigilan niya ako.

"Thank you so much, so so much."masayang sabi ko na ngiting-ngiti.

"Promise pa, hinding hindi ka magsisisi."

"Just get out." he said and wave his hand with a plain and disgusted face.

Wala naman yung sa akin at lumabas na ng kwarto. Tumakbo naman ako papunta sa kwarto ni mama.

I barge-in ng hindi man lang kumakatok. And there I see her folding her clothes and putting it in her suit.

"Anong meron?" I ask while wondering.

"Bakit nagliligpit ka? Are you going somewhere? Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin?" bombarding her with so many questions.

"Wait maglilipgpit din ako, sasama ako sayo. Saan ba tayo pupunta?"

She just look at me habang natataranta na ako kong anong gagawin, ayaw kong maiwan lalong-lalo na ni mama, siya lang ang nag mamahal sa akin.

Mabilis niyang pinigilan ang kamay ko ng tumalikod ako at handa ng lumabas.

Lumingon naman ako sa kanya ng may pagtataka.

"Why?"

"Can we sit down, I want to tell you something."

We set in her bed, I look at her she looks calm but my heart is racing right now, I know something is happening but I can't pin-point it out.

"I have to go."

"Yes, of course and I'll come with you." I said while nodding repeatedly.

"You will not."

"And why is that?"

"Because you have to study here." she said as her eyes is being watery.

"But-wait." I look at her with shock as i realize things.

Bakit pumayag si papa kahit halatang ayaw niya? Now I know.

"Ma!" I shout at her but still in control with my words.

"No, ma please." my voice change.

"Please don't leave me, hmm? I'll be a good daughter, hindi na po ako lalabas dito na lang po ako sa bahay." I pleaded and slide myself on the floor.

Lumuhod ako at hinawakan ang kamay niya, habang nakatingala.

"Please, don't leave me here. Hindi na ako mag-aaral, ayaw ko ng mag-aral please, wag lang ikaw hindi ko kaya Ma." I beg but she just cried while look at me.

"Please, I'll do good sige na wag ikaw, hindi ikaw hah? Ikaw na lang yung meron ako wag mo akong iwan please."

Ayaw kong tumigil sa pagmamakaawa, hindi ako pwedeng iwan ni mama hindi ko kaya.

She held my face and look at me with so much love, napaiyak ako ng husto.

"Please?"

Umilimg lang siya, at pumantay na sa akin.

"I'm sorry, but please remember you have to reach your dreams, never stop because I'm always here, I'll support you wherever you are." she said while smiling and crying at the same time.

"Hindi ma, hindi na ako mag-aaral. Ayaw ko ng maging abogado basta wag ka lang umalis. I need you." I cried even more.

Umiling siya ulit.

"Bye for now, my future lawyer we will meet again. Tandaan mo na kapag naging lawyer ka babalik ako." she said at stand up.

Mabilis niya kinuha ang maleta niya at lumabas ng pinto.

Nakatulala lang ako, hindi ko alam ang gagawin hindi ko maintindihan ang mga bagay-bagay.

Mabilis akong tumakbo sa labas ng mahimasmasan ako at naisip na aalis ngayon si mama.

"MA!"

"MA!"

"Ma please, don't leave." sobrang bilis ng takbo ang ginawa ko para makalabas habang sumisigaw.

"MAA!"

But faith is so cruel, gusto kong sisihin lahat ng tao sa paligid ko lalo na si papa, ang sama nila. Lahat ng lalaki masasama, they don't know how to love, they don't even have conscience.

Likod na lang ng sasakyan ang nakita ko, pero patuloy pa rin akong tumatakbo at nagbabakasakali na tumigil yung sasakyan. Masama na ba ako kong iisipin kong sana maflat yung gulong ng kotse, o biglang masiraan sa daan?

I want my mother back.

Everything change inside the house. Halos hindi ko matingnan si papa, I feel disgusted I never knew there is such a person like him.

But in the end she's gone, and I know she will never be back.

Im young but I can fully see how evil and treacherous my father is, and I know my brothers will be like him. They are all the same, every man is the same. Pare-parehas silang sinungaling, at masama, sarili lang nila ang iniisip nila kung anong makakabuti sa kanila.

I hate them all, all of them. They are the reincarnation of the devil.

I hope they all drowned in hell, such animals.

Mga walang puso, at walang pakiramdam, akala nila sila yung hari.

I promise mother, I'll avenge you and EVERY woman in this town. Hintayin lang nilang maging abogado ako. I'll toast and fry them in their own oil with bulks of fire.

Today I find the meaning of my future profession.