Dangerous Gentlemen II: The Damned

CLOSURE

"Good afternoon passengers. This is the pre-boarding announcement for flight 218I to Philippines. We are now inviting those passengers with small children, and any passengers requiring special assistance, to begin boarding at this time. Please have your boarding pass and identification ready. Regular boarding will begin in approximately ten minutes time. Thank you."

Napangiti ako nang agad kong mapansin ang pagbalatay ng lungkot sa mukha ni Mommy nang marinig na open na for boarding ang eroplano na sasakyan ko.

"Mommy," malambing na tawag ko sa kaniya at niyakap siya. "Don't make that face, please. You are making it difficult for me to leave."

Mommy let out a heavy sigh at niyakap ako ng mahigpit. "I'm sorry my Dear, I'm just worried about you. Will you really be okay there in the Philippines without us? I can book a flight now and come with you if you like!" Pareho kaming napailing ni Ate na ngayon ay natatawang nakatingin lang sa aming dalawa ni Mommy.

It's been almost 2 years since I left Philippines and stayed with my Mother and older Sister who is now happily married with a child. At first akala ko ay magiging malungkot ako but their presence actually helped me get over the tragic death of my fiance Tyler. Nagsimula na ring tumigil ang masamang panaginip ko because they lead me back to my way with God and rekindled my relationship with Him.

"Mom, give it a rest will you? limang araw mo nang kinukulit si Krystina sa ganiyan. Wala ka bang tiwala sa anak mo?" back-up sa akin ni Ate.

"Pinagtutulungan niyo talaga ako sa ganitong sitwasyon?" nanghahaba ang ngusong sabi ni Mommy. Gigil na niyakap siya naming dalawa ni Ate at ginawang sandwich sa pagitan naming dalawa.

"Stop worrying about me Mom and just enjoy your cruise ship scheduled. You know how that I need to go back in order to help people," paliwanag ko kay Mommy. After almost 2 years of doing nothing, I realized maybe it's time for me to help other people who experienced almost the same thing as me. Besides, it is my job.

Hinawakan ni Mommy ang magkabilang kamay ko at tinitigan ako mata sa mata. "Just promise to call me or your Ate whenever you feel like you are not okay. We might not be there physically but we will always be there for you now matter what. Also come here whenever you have a free time, we will miss you so bad Nak!" madrama na sabi ni Mommy.

"I love you Mom," mahinang sabi ko at mahigpit siyang niyakap.

"I love you too, Nak!" Sunod ay si Ate naman ang niyakap ko na may iniwang ilang bilin sa akin na medyo similar lang rin kay Mommy. Pagkatapos ng ilang minuto na pag-uusap ay tuluyan na talaga akong nagpaalam sa kanila at umalis na at pumunta sa gate kung saan ang boarding ng eroplano ko and in no time ay nasa loob ng ako ng eroplano sitting on my designated chair.

The travel to Philippines took approximately 14 hours kaya wala akong ginawa kundi manood na lamang ng movies na dinowload ko sa Ipad ko at natulog paminsan-minsan. After what feel like more than a day of traveling ay nakarating na rin kami sa Pilipinas. Nasapo ko ang dibdib ko nang bigla na lamang bumilis ang t***k ng puso ko when bad memories started to flood my mind when I saw the familiar place pero agad ko rin na kinalma ang isip ko at nag-isip ng mga magagandang bagay na nangyari sa akin dito sa Pinas.

I didn't told anyone that I will be coming home this day because I want to surprise them kaya hindi na ako nagulat na walang sumundo sa akin sa airport. Bitbit ang gamit ko palabas ng airport ay pumara ako ng taxi at sumakay.

"Saan po tayo, Ma'am?" I gave the driver the exact location of our house. The drive to my home is only around 30 minutes but because it's the peak of the morning ay sobrang traffic kaya umabot ng isang oras ang byahe. The familiar scent of my place immediately filled my senses when I finally opened the door of my home.

Everything is the still in the same place before I left. Maliban sa puting tela na pumoprotekta doon sa alikabok ay pareho pa rin ang paligid. Malalim akong napabuntong hininga at nilibot ang tingin ko sa paligid.

"I'm home," I said to myself and forced a smile. Kakarating ko pa lang dito pero nakakaramdam na kaagad ako ng lungkot but I have to do this. I don't want to be dependent to my family. Tama na ang dalawang taon na wala akong ginawa.

"Alright. Let's get you clean!" tinabi ko muna ang mga baggage ko at nagsimulang maglinis sa sala. After almost 2 hours of cleaning ay natapos rin ako and immediately proceeded to clean my room. I was wiping some dust off the cabinet nang naisipan kong tignan ang laman ng isang drawer doon. I was stunned when I saw the familiar box of jewelry. My heart started to ache while looking at the jewelry box na lalagyan ng singsing na ibinigay sa akin ni Tyler. Kinuha ko iyon at binuksan.

Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin maiwasang ma-amaze sa tuwing nakikita ko ang singsing na binigay ni Tyler. He really knows me and what I wanted. Memories of the night that he proposed to me played like a movie inside my mind habang nakatingin sa makinang na singsing sa harap ko. I had a strong urge na suotin iyon but I stopped myself.

'I have to move on. Umuwi ako dito to redeem myself and not succumb back to the pain that I felt.' Masakit mang isipin na kailangan ko munang unahin ang sarili ko sa ngayon sa kabila ng sakit dahil kung hindi ay hindi ko rin alam kung saan ako pupulutin.

Pinagpatuloy ko na ang paglilinis habang iniiipon ang mga pictures at iba pang mga gamit which reminds me of Tyler na nakikita ko. After I finally finished cleaning the room ay lumapit ako sa naipon kong mga gamit naming dalawa. Nandoon pa ang mga sulat na binigay niya sa akin. Tyler has always been a sweet angel even when he's alive. No wonder he was taken by God early because he did well here on earth and God wants his suffering to end already.

I opened one of his letter and read it. It was dated back when I was still in college.

"Hey, beautiful. I heard you are feeling down right now so I wanted to cheer you up! I hope you liked my surprise! Remember that you are you. You are no other than Krystina Vera who's a soon to be called Dr. Krystina Vera. I can't wait to hear someone call you like that, minsan nga ay parang mas-excited pa ako kesa sa iyo HAHAHA!

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you and the things you do to make your dreams possible. I admire you so much that I made you my inspiration. It's okay to feel down but I hope you will cheer up soon. Samgyup after class you want?"

I swallowed what seems like a hard lump in my throat pagkatapos kong basahin ang sulat niya. Naalala ko pa ito. This was the time when I felt really down because I got a low score in one of my exams. Wala talaga akong pinansin noong time na iyon sa mga kaklase ko. Tyler being an outgoing person ay kaibigan ang halos lahat ng mga kaklase ko because I sometimes invited him whenever I party with my classmates. Someone must have told him that I was down and nagulat na lamang ako nang hinatiran niya ako ng milktea and chocolate which is my go to food whenever I am down sa school ko mismo. I was even on a diet that day pero dahil niyaya niya ako ng samngyupsal ay sumama ako.

"Parang kelan lang," malumanay na sabi ko sa sarili ko at tumingin sa taas para pigilan ang nagbabadya kong luha na tumulo. Ang hirap mag-move on when almost half of my life Tyler has been there. Ang hirap magpatuloy sa buhay kung ang taong kasama ko sa pagplano ng future namin ay wala na. Pakiramdam ko ay bigla ulit akong naging sanggol na nagsimula ulit na matutong bumangon at maglakad.

Mabigat sa loob na kumuha ako ng isang box at maayos na nilagay doon ang mga gamit namin ni Tyler. Masakit man pero kailangan kong gawin ito for my sake. Tyler is happy now so I must be happy as well. Pagkatapos kong ayusin ang gamit namin ay kinuha ko ang susi ng sasakyan ko at nagmaneho papunta sa pinakamalapit na mall sa bahay ko para mag-grocery pagkatapos ay pina-car wash ko na rin ang sasakyan ko na puno na ng alikabok. Dapit hapon na nang matapos ako. I was driving home when I just found myself driving towards the direction of the sematary kung saan nakalibing si Tyler.

Agad akong naluha nang makaharap ko ang puntod niya. Masaya ako ng kahit na matagal akong hindi bumisita dito ay malinis pa rin iyon at maayos. "Hi," basag ang boses na bati ko sa puntod ni Tyler at hinimas iyon. I closed my eyes when I felt warmth holding on to his tomstone.

"Pasensya ka na kung natagalan ako sa pagbisita sa iyo ah? I hope you understand that I have to fix myself because I know that is what you want me to do, right? you always wanted what's best for me." Nakangiting sabi ko habang patuloy pa rin na hinihimas ang lapida niya.

"Are you watching me now? I hope you don't feel sorry for leaving me because I am okay now. I must say the process of moving on was hard, pero para sa iyo, sa pamilya ko at sa sarili ko ay kakayanin ko. Losing you reminded me of how much I depended on you all those years I was with you but I don't regret it. Because losing you made me realize that I was capable to love and let go." Kagat labing tumingin ako sa kalangitan na papadilim na.

"Sa totoo lang masakit pa rin. Ilang taon na ang dumaan pero ang sakit pa rin isipin na bigla ka na lang nawala. But I know that there must be a reason why God did that. I entrust him my life from this point on until the day I finally get to see you again, my Tyler." I leaned over to his tombstone and kissed the warm stone where his name is engraved.

'I might try to forget you some time but you will always be in my heart, Tyler.' I thought.

Ilang minuto pa akong nanatili sa puntod niya. Kinwentuhan ko siya kung ano ang nangyari sa akin noong nasa US ako, kung paano ako natuto na muling ngumiti nang hindi pinipilit ang sarili ko and how I managed to be happy for my family despite the pain in me that I tried to heal.

"Paano ba iyan? gabi na. Kailangan ko na yatang umalis dahil pinagpipyestahan na ng mga lamok ang paa ko dito," natatawang sabi ko at tumayo na. Pinagpag ko ang pang-upo ko at palad ko bago muling tinignan ang lapida ni Tyler. "Guide me while I start this new journey of my life, alright?" I finally retreated back into my car and drove home.

The house feels more lighter now pagkatapos kong bisitahin si Tyler. Maybe that was the closure that I needed all these time.

Pagkatapos kong gawin ang night routine ko ay maaga akong natulog dahil maaga rin akong gigising kinabukasan. I woke up around 6 am feeling good with the rest that I had. No more bad dreams and scary faces. Simula noong pinagtuonan ko ang mental health ko ay unti-unting tumigil ang nararanasan ko until one day ay tuluyan lang iyong tumigil.

I took a quick bath and wore a casual clothes dahil papatungan ko rin naman iyon ng white coat ko. I put on a light make up at inayos ang buhok ko. I smiled to reflection on the mirror nang makontento ako sa itsura ko. I look good, I look lighter and better.

I immediately drove to the hospital where I work but before ay bumili muna ako ng paborito kong kape. Binilhan ko na rin si Paige. I wore my white coat sa loob ng sasakyan ko before I get out. Dala ang pasalubong ko kay Paige mula sa US at kape na binili ko ay pumasok na ako sa loob ng hospital. Agad na napunta sa akin ang atensyon ng lahat so I smiled to them. A lot of new faces welcomed me. Kakaunti na lang ang mga nurses na pamilyar ako.

"Doc!" masayang bati sa akin ni Nina na isa sa mga staff nurses dito.

"Nina!" nakangiting bati ko dito.

"It's been so long Doc! Ang ganda mo po ngayon ah!" puri nito sa akin.

"Nako! Ikaw rin nga eh! Kumusta ka na? kayo dito?"

"Okay lang naman po Doc. Nagkaproblema lang kami last year dahil short staffed pero okay na po ngayon. Ikaw po?" balik tanong niya sa akin.

"Well, moving on but doing great!" Nina gave me a sympathetic look. She was one of the few persons who knows about what happened. She was one of the nurses who is working closely to me that time when the incident happened kaya alam niya.

"I'm so proud of you Doc for holding on and doing well," malambing na sabi ni Nina at hinawakan ang kamay ko. I smiled and pressed my hand on her palm.

"Thank you, si Paige?"

"She's in her office, Doc!" I thanked Nina and immediately proceeded to Paige's office. I smiled unknowingly to myself while walking on the familiar hallway of the hospital. Wala sa sariling napatingin ako sa isang salamin ang saw myself wearing my white coat. The fabric sent a familiar sense of satisfaction to me.

'I guess this is where I really am supposed to be.'