Ghost

CHAPTER 17

Mapuputol na yata ang mga paa ko sa mga utos niya! Hindi ko na kaya alam ang gagawin ko. Nakakapagod na magpatakbo-takbo sa iba't-ibang departments. Halatang gumaganti siya sa akin pero tahimik lang akong sumusunod sa kanya. Hindi na ako para makipagtalo pa.

"I'm participating in the clinical trials, Dr. Saavedra. You can ask another intern to this for you. I have to go and Dr. Sy is already paging me." Paalis na ako nang bigla siyang umubo at nagsalita.

"You're under me. Ako ang masusunod." Sabi pa niya.

"No, it's my scheduled shift for today at hindi naman ikaw ang professor na pipirma. You can't just dictate. Hindi ako resident doctor to cover everything you need. Pwede naman, kung shift ko nga lang. I had seven hours of work and another three for the trials. I have to go." Tumayo siya at tumingin sa akin.

"So sinasabi mong walang kwenta ang authority ko? Is that what you meant, Dr. Torres? Na hindi ako pwedeng nagdesisyon para sa isang intern?"

"Half yes. I have to go. Nag at me tomorrow but I have to go. I worked my way to participate. Hindi ko to igi-give up. I have to go."

"Wala ka talagang respeto sa akin? I already said na sasama ka sa akin sa ER pero mas pipiliin mo ang clinical trials? Talaga bang ganyan katigas ang ulo mo? Hindi ka nakikinig sa superior mo."

"Nakikinig naman ho ako, doc. I am already committed to this. It's been my goal to take part. I missed a lot, one week din ako sa medical mission. I don't know why you're not letting me go. Wala namang mali sa ginagawa ko."

"Get out." He said in a terrifying manner.

Tumakbo akong palayo sa opisina niyang may mabigat na dibdib. Naiiyak na naman ako. Why does it always have to him? Bakit walang ibang lalaking naiinvolve sa akin?

Is he... my destined havoc?

I don't need a man who can't love me. Hindi ko na kaya ang nakikita siya. He's a walking sin and here I am ready and willi my to indulge. Ayokong umikot na naman ang mundo ko sa kanya. I hope for the best. I need to keep on fighting!

I closed my eyes as I drink my cola. Napagod ako sa katatakbo kanina. Parang ako lang ang intern na under niya. Sobra naman kung pahirapan niya ako. I somehow feel kinda sad knowing he's getting even. Ayoko namang may samaan kami ng loob.

Hindi naman niya malalaman ang nangyari sa akin. Hindi ko ipapaalam ang nagawa ko noon. Ayokong makonsensya siya. Kasalanan ko rin naman kung bakit kami humantong sa ganung sitwasyon. Oh sh*t ang drama ko na.

The ghost of you keeps me awake.

Hindi ko na alam. Nakakaloka.

-=-=-=-=-=-=

"Thank you, Dr. Torres. Napakalaking tulong mo. Kapag email mo ang gamit, ang bilis magreply ng nga taga UCLA. iba talaga ang ganda mo." Natawa ako sa sinabi ni Dr. Sy.

"Hindi naman siguro, baka nagkataon lang. Wala naman picture ang email, doc."

"Hello! May f*******: kaya. Pwedeng hinanap ka na nila. Besides, maganda ka naman. Bata ka pa at maghanap ka ng matino. Kasing-edad mo rin yung kapatid ko siguro, at tadtad siya ng pangaral ko. Naririndi na nga siya."

"Tama lang naman iyon, doc."

"Buti naman at mukhang maayos ka ngayon. Kahapon kasi nung shift mo dito nakabusangot ka. By the way, hindi ko na nkikita si Dr. Jung. Magaling pa naman at mabait iyon kaya nakakatuwang kasama dito."

"Ay oo, may problema daw eh. Uuwi daw sila ng Bicol kasama yung boyfriend niya. Pasensya na nga daw eh kasi ako yung kumuha ng shift niya. Anyways, okay naman ako doc, ah? Ayaw mo yata sa akin." Natawa lang siya at binuksan na ang pintuan ng research room para makauwi na din kami. He reached for the knob at lumabas na kaming dalawa.

Dr. Sy is a man around 35-40, gwapo at mayaman pero hindi ko siya type in any sense. Mabait lang talaga siya at si Alex ang lagi niya ditong kasama kasi panggabi si Alex magshift.

"Mauna na ako, Dr. Torres. Mahaba pa ang drive ko. Ingat ka." He smiled and walked away holding all the data we collected today. He seems quite tired kasi nagmamadaling umalis at halos tumakbo na palabas ng ospital.

Napainat ako sa sobrang sakit ng likod ko. Halos eleven hours na ang inilagi ko ngayon. Malapit ko na makuha ang employee of the month. Hinagod ko ang buhok ko at naglalakad ng walang tingin-tingin sa harap nang biglang may nabangga ako. Holy sh*t, bakit siya pa?

"Inaantok ka na yata?" His sarcastic voice annoyed the hell out of me kaya naman naglakad ako nilampasan na lang siya. Nakakasawa makipag-argumento sa kanya. Nauubusan lang ako ng energy. Ayoko nang maipagtalo.

"Ano naman sayo? I'm going home and you should go as well." Hindi niya ako pinadaan at tuluyang hinarangan.

"Nahihirapan ka na ba? Pahihirapan pa kita lalo so why not just submit yourself to me? It is not so bad to just obey me and fall into my arms. Ikaw rin, pahihirapan pa kita lalo." Natatawa niyang sabi.

"Ayoko. Hindi ako papatalo sayo. Kung inaakala mong basta na lang ako magpapatalo, then you must be mistaken. I'm not the type who goes down the drain because of someone like you." Sagot ko sa kanya habang nakatitig lang sa mata niya.

"Sure? Ikaw rin, mahirap nang magsisi. I only get to give you an offer once. Kapag tinanggihan mo pa, ikaw rin ang mas mahihirapan. I won't give you any second chance dahil sa iba ko na ito io-offer. Baka lang naman manghinayang ka." Tinulak ko siya ng malakas at ikinagulat niya iyon.

"Kahit kelan hindi ako magsisi! Arsehole! Get out. Get out of my way!" Tumabi siya at nagmadali akong naglakad papuntang locker area. I just collapsed on the floor while holding onto my chest. Muntik na kasi siyang magdesisyon para sa akin.

My heart almost agreed to his stupid proposition.

-=-=-=-=-=-=

We had this setup na everytime he's going back home here in the Philippines we'll do things casually and he stays with Annie, just like I am with Earl. I committed countless sins because of this madness at alam ko namang wala rin akong magagawa. My heart and soul yearn for him and only him. Inakala ko noon na sa kanya ako sasandal simula nang iwanan kami ng daddy namin. I thought he'll be the brother more than Anthony could ever be because he was also afraid with the world when our father left.

Then one day, Earl broke up with me. I cried really hard because he's the only one who loves me the way I love Benedict. I can't live without his security. I took him for granted and eventually chose a woman over my caliber. It insulted me, but I kept my head held high. Hindi ako nagpaapekto. I pretended I was cool with it at kahit ginagamit ako ni Benedict ay alam kong may Earl na sasalo sa akin. Nabuntis niya si Aaliyah and they will get married. Ang sakit, kasi nagmukha akong tanga at kinaaawaan sa buong university. That girl and him made a scandal that went viral online.

It's all my fault and everything is now broken.

I almost died.

I almost killed my mother.

I almost killed the life tied with my brother.

Hindi ko iyon lahat masisisi kay Benedict. A quarter of me is broken because of Earl. I have this strong emotional attachment to him and everything went to pieces because he felt that I lacked in something. I didn't show how much he meant to me and how much importance he has in my life.

I lacked in effort.

Anthony pressed harder on the open wrist I made. He's hysterically crying and calling for my name as he fades away from my sight. Everything went flashing back, from the moment we went to high school to the time we celebrated our eighteenth birthday. I felt my eyes stung and eventually closed. 

During the hours I was asleep under anaesthesia, I dreamt about a thing from the past.

It was my father.

He left and I felt scared with the world. It's like I was thrown in a black hole and I can't see nor breathe. He was carrying these huge luggages and left. I saw him crying while putting his luggages on the trunk of his car. It was a lonely sight to watch. I can feel the pain in his eyes and the pain in his heart and how his soul was shattered. How dare he sleep with my mother's best friend? He broke my mother's heart and he broke mine and my brother's as well.

I actually lost the drive to live. Pakiramdam ko, those three men in my life failed me. I didn't feel any worth because of what they did to me. My heart died because of them.

I thought Earl will always catch me when I fall.

I thought Benedict will love me more.

I thought my father will always be faithful.

"Talk to me, Cassandra. Talk to me. Titingin ka na lang ba sa kisame buong araw? I want to know what Benedict did kasi dati ko pa alam but I'll prefer hearing it from you. I'd rather hear you say the words, sister. Kahit alam ko na noon pa, hindi ako nagsalita kasi masaya ka... pero tangina muntik ka nang mamatay!" I swallowed a huge lump on my throat as I try to hold back all the tears in my eyes.

"Anong gusto mong marinig? Na hindi ako pinili? Na lahat na lang ng lalaki sa mundo iiwanan ako! You will leave me, Anthony. Hindi namam habambuhay eh pwede akong dumikit sayo. My life feels so worthless. Pakiramdam ko madumi pa ako sa basahan. Earl broke my heart, Benedict broke both my heart and soul and my cherry, and lastly dad broke the kid inside me."

"Hindi kita iiwan, Cassie and you know that. You fell pain; I feel pain. Magkadugtong tayo." Then he reached for my face and brushed my hair with his fingers.

"I know." I gave him a weak smile and let all the tears fall.

"But why did you do it? Why?"

"I... saw how shiny that blade was. It was the one I use on my eyebrows and I had a feeling that it will save me from all my sorrows. That's all I thought but it wasn't. It didn't give me the right solution. Mali ako kuya."

"Mom was worried kaya nga tumaas ang BP niya pero she's doing fine. She's resting now and she cried while you're in the operating room."

"She cried because of me."

"It's because she loves you, Cassie. Mahal na mahal tayo ni mommy and I firmly believe that we have to use it against anyone who will ruind our lives. Think about how much she loves us bago ka gumawa ng kahit anong desisyon."

"I'm... I'm sorry."

-=-=-=-=-=-

I can't sleep. Bakit ba kailangan ko pang mapanaginipan lahat? Bullsh*t. Remembering those days makes me feel weak. Hindi ako pwedeng manghina. No one will hurt me again. Hindi ako pwedeng magpatalo sa kagaguhan nilang lahat. I am strong and my family loves me. My friends love me.

Be strong Cassie. Be strong.

The next day, nakita kong may kasama si Benedict na isang babaeng sophisticated. She's wearing a wedding band and sleek high heels. Mahaba ang buhok nito at itim na itim. She's touching his arm. They are laughing along with the doctors. Kinakabahan ako kahit alam ko naman kung sino ang babaeng kasama niyang nakatayo.

Her pink tailored dress is fit onto her perfect body and her nails are painted red. Her skin is tanned and creamy. Benedict wrapped his arm around her waist and laughing heartily with all the doctors.

Napahawak ako kay Anthony and plastered my signatured plastic barbie smile. I remembered that I was expert in this. I can pull off a fake facade of a happy and successful woman and obviously a doctor.

Then she turned around.

The wife is here.

"Cassie! Wow. Ang ganda-ganda mo naman! You're amazingly beautiful. You changed a lot at totoo nga na naging doktor ka na rin. All of you are now doctors." Ngumiti siya habang mahigpit na nakakapit kay Benedict. They are a picture of a perfect couple. Picture-perfect couple.

"Yeah, and I'm happy to see you Annie. Ang ganda mo ding lalo." Anthony just nodded and held me on the arm.

"Ah, oo nga pala, may clinical trials kami. Mauna na kami sa inyo mga doc. Dr. Sy is paging me already. Have a great day everyone." I smiled and we walked away with my head spinning and my heart aching. Napakapit ako kay Anthony habang naglalakad. Hindi ko na nga alam kung saan kami nakaabot, basta ang alam ko lang kailangan kong lumayo kung nasaan sila.

-=-=-=-=-=

Hi guys! Sorry late na naman ako sa upload. Medyo busy lang sa mga bagay-bagay, pero of course hindi ko makakalimutan mag-update.

Anyways, continue reading and hoping for your votes. ☺

...

Stay beautiful,

ellalures