Love and Despair

Chapter 11

CONNOR – POV

I’ve been through hell these past few years, but nothing… nothing could prepare me for this.

For the first time in my life, I felt completely… powerless.

The life I grew up in, getting anything I want without worrying about anything is completely different from what my son is experiencing right now.

Nakaharap sa akin ang babaeng minsan kong minahal ng higit sa sarili ko—si Kira. Si Akira Jane Dimaano. At sa mga mata niya, wala akong nakita kundi galit, poot, at pagkasuklam.

And I deserve it.

But I never thought I would see her drop to her knees in front of me—begging, shaking, breaking.

“P–please, Connor,” humagulhol siya. “Save my baby…”

Bawat salita niya ay parang kutsilyong tumatarak sa dibdib ko. I’ve hurt her in ways I never fully understood until now. At kahit gusto kong damputin siya, yakapin, sabihing everything will be alright, I know I have no right.

“Akira…”

Hinawakan ko siya, pero winaksi niya ang kamay ko. Tumalikod siya at nagtaklob ng mukha habang patuloy na umiiyak. I could see her shoulders shaking uncontrollably.

“Tell me what to do,” I choked. “I’ll do anything. Just tell me how to fix this.”

“You can’t!” sigaw niya bigla, sabay lingon sa akin. “You can’t fix ten years of abandonment with one act of charity!”

⸻

FLASHBACK – AKIRA’S POV

One year after Connor left.

Basang-basa ako noon sa ulan, may hawak na brown envelope na binagsakan ng mga rejection letters. Hawak-hawak ko si Colt na may lagnat. Wala kaming masakyan. Wala akong pera.

Napaupo ako sa gilid ng kalsada habang buhat siya sa braso ko. “Konti na lang, baby. Sandali na lang…”

Pero ang totoo, ako ang gustong sumuko. Ako ang gustong matulog at hindi na magising. Ang hirap. Sobrang hirap. Walang tulong. Walang nagtanong kung kumakain ba kami. Walang Connor.

⸻

BACK TO PRESENT – HOSPITAL ROOM

Tumingin ako kay Colt na mahimbing na natutulog, nakakabit sa dextrose. Mukha siyang payapa, pero alam kong pinipigilan lang ng katawan niya ang sakit. And he’s just a child.

“I wasn’t there for him,” mahina kong sabi. “I didn’t even know he existed.”

“Exactly,” Kira spat. “You didn’t know because you never came back.”

“Akira…” I took a step closer. “I loved you.”

“Then why didn’t you fight for me?” sigaw niya, sabay tulak sa dibdib ko. “Bakit mo ako piniling iwan noon? Dahil lang sa lola mong ayaw sa’kin? Gano’n ba kababa ang tingin n’yo sa’kin?”

Hindi ko masagot. Dahil alam kong totoo. And every second that passed was a second too late.

“I died the day you left me,” she whispered, voice breaking. “And I was forced to come back to life… because someone else needed me to survive.”

⸻

DOCTOR’S OFFICE – MINUTES LATER

Dr. Feliciano faced us with grim eyes. “The child needs a partial bone marrow transplant. Soon. His condition is progressing.”

“What if no match is found?” tanong ni Kiro, naninigas ang panga.

“We’ll have to prepare for… complications.”

Napaupo ako. Tumingin ako kay Akira. She was blank. No tears. No words. Just pain.

“Ako na. I’ll do the test,” I said. “Right now.”

She looked at me like she wanted to stop me… but she didn’t. It’s as if she’s expecting me to do this at least for our son.

Instead, she stood up, walked past me, and whispered, “If you really want to be his father, start by saving him.”

⸻

AKIRA – ALONE IN THE HOSPITAL CHAPEL

Lumuhod ako sa harap ng altar. Hindi ko na alam kung ilang beses ko nang iniyakan ang buhay ko. Pero ngayon, iba na.

“Panginoon…” I gasped between sobs. “Kun’di man para sa akin, para sa anak ko. Iligtas n’yo siya. Kunin n’yo na lang ako, huwag lang siya. Wala na akong ibang mahal kundi siya…”

She dug her nails into her palms, trembling. Her voice cracked. “Huwag n’yo siyang kunin sa’kin. Hindi ko kakayanin. Wala na akong iba.”

Siya lang ang natitirang yaman na meron ako pero parang hirap pa ang Diyos na ibigay siya sa akin. Is it that hard to find happiness? I just wanted my son to experience the healthy and happy life he deserves.

Behind her, silently, Connor watched.

⸻

WAITING ROOM – HOURS LATER

I saw her sitting alone. Nakayuko. The collar of her blouse was stained with tears. She looked like a shell of the strong woman I used to know.

I approached her slowly.

“Kira…”

“I’m tired, Connor.” She didn’t look at me. “Pagod na pagod na ako. Ilang taon ko ng kinikimkim lahat ng sakit, lahat ng pangamba. Kahit kailan hindi ako naging mahina para sa anak ko—pero ngayon, hindi ko na alam kung hanggang kailan ko pa kaya.”

“I’m here now,” I whispered.

“Too late,” she said. “Laging huli ang lahat sa’yo.”

She stood up and walked away before I could say another word.