The Other 'I'

17 : Suspect

Schizophrenia is a mental disorder characterized by significant alterations in perception, thoughts, mood, and behaviour. The name comes from the Greek words skhizein meaning ‘to split’ and phren which means ‘mind’—so to say, it means a split mind between reality and imagination.

Aside from what my psychiatrist said, I’d done some readings about it too.

Schizophrenia have three symptoms category: the positive, negative and cognitive symptoms. Positive symptoms meaning things adding—delusions, hallucinations, paranoid thoughts, disorganized speech or word salad and catatonic behaviour. While negative symptoms mean things lacking—feeling socially withdrawn, apathy, and loss of interest. And lastly the cognitive symptoms which covers disorganized thinking, gaps in memory and other signs of mental dysfunction.

My doctor said that my condition could still be managed by psychotic drugs since it had only been going on for less than four months. And there was a high possibility for me to recover if I take my meds religiously—which I did. And aside from it, I also attended at least one session with my psychiatrist a week for counselling and to monitor how I react with the treatment.

Ilang linggo na akong naroon sa bahay dahil ayaw akong payagan nina Mommy na sa apartment manatili. They wanted to keep me close to monitor how I’m doing, base na rin sa rekomendasyon ng doktor.

The news about my accident reached the campus. But I doubt that anyone of them knew my real condition because Stephanie’s death overshadowed it.

Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala sa mga nangyari hanggang ngayon. And even though I haven’t been in the campus, I was still updated from the events happening there. Partly because the news about Steph’s death was all over Willow Grove and social medias at dahil in-add ako ni Cali sa GC nila—which included Terrence, Mike, Dina and him. The latter made it for a purpose I couldn’t be sure of. Puros siya lang naman ang dumadaldal doon at si Mike. At ang madalas nilang pag-usapan ay tungkol sa mga balita sa campus.

I was wondering if they had a separate GC with their guy friends where they’re free to talk about their hoes. But that was the least of my concern with everything that had been happening so never mind.

Cali sent an uncensored picture of Steph’s body on the crime scene and I literally puked after seeing it. Mabilis naman niya iyong binura nang magreklamo si Mike at Dina. I didn’t know where he got it pero sana’y hindi na lang niya i-s-in-end pa.

The haunted

Michael:

Wth did u mean with ‘haunted’ Cal

Cali:

Aren’t we all haunted in the campus?

You think what happened to Steph is normal?

Bro, you saw it. Her face is f****d up!

Who’s sane person would do something like that?

Michael:

The whole thing is already giving me the creeps

Don’t make it worse

We aren’t in a fcking slasher movie

Cali:

Isipin niyo nga, the killer hasn’t been caught yet

The perpetrator could be anyone within the campus!

Paano kung kilala pala natin?

Michael:

What r u getting at, Cal?

Alam ba ng dad mong pinakikialaman mo ang files ng kaso?

At sino naman ang gagawa no’n kay Steph na kakilala natin?

Man u’re just being paranoid

Cali:

Yea you can say that

But it could be one of us at school

Psychopaths aren’t that uncommon nowadays

And mind you, I’m doing my own investigation!

Michael:

Oh now we’re talking about psychos? Great

Incite more fear and later on, di na ko magugulat kung di ka na rin aapak ng campus

Terrence:

If the culprit is a student and smart enough, he wouldn’t have dumped the body near the campus

Cali:

Hmnnn

Got a point there

The killer must be stupid then hahaha

Michael:

And you can laugh abt it? Nice

Dina:

It would be a different story if the culprit’s objective is to stir up fear at campus

Depends on the motives

Cali:

Hey, D!

Interesting insight. But based on my investigation, wala halos naging interaction at nakaalitan si Steph sa campus ng mga huling araw niya

Uh… aside from the commotion at the basketball’s varsity team

Michael:

Why the fck r we still talking abt this?

Cali:

Wat else do u want us to talk about, Mikey? Your hoes? Hahaha

Michael:

Fuck u man

Want me to add your hoes here?

Cali:

There’s too many

Mapapagod ka lang

Hahahahaha

Michael:

Gago talaga

Cali:

Aminado naman

At least I don’t do that girlfriend thing while fooling around

Di tulad ng iba dyan

Hahahaha

Dina:

Ugh

Fcking assholes

Michael:

What did I do?

Dina:

Ask your bitches, dickhead

Mahaba pa ang naging pagtatalo ng dalawa kaya’t nilubayan ko na lang ang pagbabasa. I muted the GC’s convo and just continued reading my book. Naging abala ako roon at hindi ko na napansin ang paglipas ng oras. I woke up from dozing off from my study table at agad naramdaman ang pangangalay ng mga braso.

It was past ten in the evening when I checked the time. Pagkatapos isara ang ilang libro at itabi ay tumayo na ako.

“Eunice.”

Nasa kalagitnaan pa lamang ako ng pagtungo sa kama nang manigas ang mga paa ko sa sahig dahil sa pamilyar na boses.

Shit. I forgot to take my meds!

It had been a while since I last hallucinated him and I was still trying to differentiate him from real people. My doctor said that I needed to be aware that he wasn’t real but it was so hard to do when he really felt real to me… lalo na ngayong nararamdaman at naririnig ko ang bawat pagbuga niya ng hininga sa likuran ko.

“Eunice…”

I gulped down the fear crawling in me and shut my eyes tightly. Hindi ko pa man siya nakikita ay nabubuhay na agad ang kaba ko. Ngunit hindi ko dapat ito hayaang lamunin ako. I need to control my breathing and get a hold of reality.

Kasabay ng pagdilat ko’y tila gatilyong kinalabit nang mabilis kong kinuha ang blister pack ng Quetiapine mula sa side drawer ko.

“No! Eunice, please listen to me!”

Nanginginig ang mga kamay na may hawak ng gamot, kumunot ang noo ko nang makita si Cedric ilang hakbang mula sa kinatatayuan ko. He looked like the normal one, the one I started seeing… wala siyang suot na pullover at wala rin ang nakakakilabot na ngisi niya katulad ng gabing iyon sa resto bar. Nonetheless, he was still a product of my hallucination and I need to get rid of him.

Tuluyan kong binuksan ang isang blister. Akmang iinumin ko na iyon ngunit muli akong natigilan nang magsalita siya mula sa nakikiusap na ekspresyon, ang magkabilang palad ay nakataas sa ere.

“Don’t! Please, I want to talk to you… please…”

What the hell did he want us to talk about?

“It wasn’t me… that guy and I are different… I won’t hurt you, Eunice, you know that…”

Umiling ako habang nakatitig sa malumanay niyang mga mata, ‘di alintana ang panlalabo ng paningin dahil sa pamumuo ng luha. I was then well aware that he wasn’t real but it still hurts the same as losing an actual friend… hindi siya totoo pero totoo ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko… being a creep or not, totoong itinuring ko siyang kaibigan at masakit sa akin na kailangan ko siyang pakawalan dahil kailangan kong gumaling…

“Kaibigan mo ako, hindi kita sasaktan… I just want you to be okay… please don’t get rid of me… please, Eunice.” Sumikip ang dibdib ko sa narinig na pagmamakaawa niya.

But if losing a friend is what it takes to get better then I’m left with no choice. With a sob, I gulped down the tablet and closed my eyes.

“Eunice!”

Crying as I blocked my ears from his pleading, pinanatili kong sarado ang mga mata habang nakaupo sa sahig, sa gilid ng kama. I waited for minutes before the drug take effect and his voice to subside. Nayakap ko na lamang ang mga binti at tahimik na humikbi roon.

I would get better.

Bumisita si Terrence sa bahay nang dumating na weekend. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the medications but I couldn’t find myself to crave any social interactions at the moment. Laging gusto kong mag-isa dahil mas kumportable ako pag gano’n.

“How are you?”

We were sitting side by side on a wooden bench at the back porch. Kasama ng ilang puno ay tanaw din ang nagdidilig naming kasambahay sa malawak na garden mula roon.

I hugged myself, feeling cold despite my sweatshirt. Then I tried to speak. “Fine.”

Mula sa pagtanaw sa hilera ng mga basang dahon ng Lilac na wala nang usbong ay naaninag ko ang pagbaling niya sa akin. Nagtagal iyon ngunit nanatili siyang walang imik. Sporting his usual unbuttoned plaid shirt, black jeans and sneakers, aninag ko ang pagsandal niya sa inuupuan habang nakapahinga ang magkabilang braso sa kandungan.

For a moment, the silence between us was filled with the rustle of the leaves from the trees and the chirping birds flying across the sky. I only appreciate the peacefulness brought by those little things then. They reminded me that being alone wasn’t that bad if I get to be accompanied by them.

“Are you planning on coming back to campus anytime soon?” he said in a quiet voice, not breaking his gaze away from me.

“Can’t say.”

“With what’s happening there, I think you should probably stay here longer.”

Hindi ako agad sumagot. I was recalling the early convo of his friends in the GC. Cali was right. Hindi normal ang pagpatay kay Steph. At nakakatakot mang isipin, posibleng naroon nga sa campus ang salarin. Pero ano marahil ang motibo nito sa pagpatay? Steph probably had her fair share of enemies back at Willow Grove but I couldn’t imagine how anyone could do something that cruel.

“You really think the culprit behind Steph’s murder isn’t from our campus?” wala sa sarili kong naitanong habang nakatingin sa kawalan, halos hindi makapa ang pandama. “Who do you think it is?”

Makalipas ang mahabang katahimikan ay saka lamang siya muling nagsalita.

“I was asked a few questions about her by the police. Dahil wala silang makuhang lead mula sa mga nakasalamuha ni Steph sa labas at loob ng campus bago siya namatay.”

Wala sa oras na lumipad patungo sa kaniya ang tingin at buo kong atensyon. “They think you’re a suspect?”

If that was the case then I might be considered as one too—pagkatapos ng sagutan namin isang beses. But… the police haven’t gone here to question me yet so… I guess I was just probably one of the people she had an ill relationship with?

“Probably. I don’t know.” Tamad na umangat ang mga balikat niya na para bang balewala lang iyon at hindi nakababahala para sa kaniya. Sinuklian niya ang mga titig ko at sinabi ito sa isang seryosong tinig, “Anyone can be a suspect but it’s another thing to put a definite blame on someone, unless they have a concrete evidence pointing to me or to any of their suspects.”

I stared at his pitch black deep-set eyes more than I should, as if reading what’s on his mind. Matagal kaming nagpalitan ng tingin nang manatili siyang nakatitig sa akin gamit ang blangkong ekspresyon.

Bukod sa takot ay may parte sa aking nanlulumo dahil sa nangyari kay Steph at, “If I’m being honest, I don’t really like her. But I don’t want her to end like that… what happened to her is too cruel. Walang puso lang ang gagawa ng gano’n…”

Umangat ang isang sulok ng mga labi niya para sa isang hapyaw na ngiti. “I know.”

We continued exchanging gazes for a long while until he slowly lifted his arm and tried to reach for my face. Nang aktong hahaplusin pa lamang niya ang mukha ko’y maagap na akong umiwas at nagbitiw ng tingin. His hand then froze in the air, eyes trained on me in question.

“Haven’t you forgiven me yet?” Rinig ang pagkabigo sa mahina niyang boses.

I couldn’t really feel anything when I replied dryly, “I don’t think that’s important right now.”

Hindi siya nakasagot. Mula sa pagkakatigil ay naaninag ko na lamang ang unti-unti niyang pagbawi ng kamay. Bahagya niyang niyuko ang mga palad sa kandungan matapos, tila may malalim na iniisip kaakibat ng katahimikang muling namayani sa pagitan namin. Hindi ko nahanap ang pangangailangang punan ng salita iyon kaya’t nanatili akong walang imik sa tabi niya.

Hanggang sa mabigat siyang nagpakawala ng buntonghininga bago sa wakas ay muling nagsalita, ang mga mata ay nanatili sa sariling palad. “Hindi ka ba kumportable… na nandito ako?”

I couldn’t immediately respond to that. My lack of reaction was probably from the medications.

“Rence.”

“Hmn?” Lumingon siya sa akin.

“Can you please not visit here again?” I didn’t mean to be heartless but I think this is what I need.

Ang gulat ay nahuli kong bumalatay sa ekspresyon niya pagkabaling ko. Umawang ang mga labi niya at tipong may sasabihin ngunit walang naimutawi. With brows slightly furrowing, there was a starting tension on his jaw as his lips met and formed in a thin line. Ang kaninang gulat sa ekspresyon niya’y agad napalitan ng dilim.

I stared at him still and waited for his words to spill. Ang buong akala ko’y mamimilit siya, magagalit o ‘di kaya’y makikipagtalo.

Ngunit nanatiling malumanay ang boses niya nang tinugunan iyon, salungat sa madilim niyang ekspresyon na unti-unti na ring humuhupa. “Alright. If that’s what you want.”

Pagkabitiw sandali ng tingin ay binasa niya ang labi kasabay ng kaunting tango. Bahagya pang nagsasalubong ang kilay niya nang muling magbalik ng tingin sa akin. Ngunit mas lamang na ang pagod sa ekspresyon nang kalmadong ituon muli sa akin ang atensyon.

With my lips opening a c***k, I almost felt an ache in my chest while staring at his dejected expression. Humugot ako nang malalim na hininga bago dinugtungan ang sinabi matapos. “I just want to get better soon.”

“I understand.” Umigting muli ang panga niya ngunit nanatili pa ring marahan ang mga mata at tinig.

I gave him a half smile. “Thank you.”