Over the Mountain

CHAPTER 30: ACCIDENT

CHAPTER 30: ACCIDENT

Aunt Karen was right. I shouldn’t act like this because I am not the only one who’s in pain. They are also and just like me, they are mourning the loss of a good person in their life. Aunt Karen was right. Instead of hugging my father to comfort him, to give him strength, I just run away and hurt him more. Aunt Karen was right. It was my fault. It was my entire fault. I didn’t humble myself and follow my parents. I didn’t humble myself and visit them there. I didn’t humble myself for bowing to them. I didn’t humble myself and cause everyone pain…cause my mom’s death.

“Sielan…” Levi’s voice echoed in my room as she approached me. “Mommy was just mad and emotional. She didn’t mean to blame you,” she said.

I shook my head. “Your mommy is right. It was my fault, Levi.”

“No, Sielan. Don’t think of that. Your mom wouldn’t like to see you blaming yourself. Nobody wants what happened. It was sudden and accident,”

I shook my head once again and sobbed. “If it's not because of me, mommy wouldn’t be in that car,”

“Sielan…”

“It’s my fault…”

“Kung tanggap mo nang pagmamakali mo nga, then it’s your time to correct your mistake,” she said. “If you fail to bow down to your parents before that cause your mom’s death, then bow down now to your father,”

“But…” I sob. Just by thinking that I will be going back to that place twist my heart.

“No one can understand why you don’t like to come back there but I do,” Levi said that surprised me. She smiled softly. “Maybe you can’t remember that night anymore, but I still do,”

“Levi?” I call because I am confused.

Levi caresses my hair. “I cannot remember the exact date but there was one night where you are very drunk, and you cried your heart out. You told me everything that you’ve been suppressing for a very long time since you came here,” she said calmly. “You are broken…up to this day, you are still broken. And even if you are living your day better here, you are still broken. Because you never healed.”

I bow my head and sobs again. “I want to heal so bad, Levi. Pero ko talaga siya makalimutan.”

“Healing is not about forgetting a person, Sielan,” Levi said so I lift my gaze to see her. “If you want to heal, you will be going to forgive yourself as you accept what happened,” she continued. “But you never forgive yourself. And you never forgive him. And you never accepted what happened.”

Hindi ko nagawang magsalita dahil tama si Levi. Nakuha niya ang punto at nakuha niya ang bagay na hindi ko Nakita. Katulad ni Aunt Karen, nagawang panahin ni Levi ang bagay na matagal ko nang hindi nakikita. Isang bagay na pilit kong tinakpan at tinatago. Levi was right. I never accepted what happened. Until now, I still can’t accept the fact that Leo betrayed me. Until now, I still can’t forgive myself from running away instead of facing them. Until now, I still can’t forgive him for playing with my feelings.

Muli akong napaluha dahil sa halo-halong nararamdaman. Sa pagkakataong ito ay hindi na ako nagtago habang umiiyak. I let Levi watch me crying. And she stayed, letting me feel that I have someone beside me. She stayed and let me cry without interrupting me. Hinayaang lamang niya akong ilabas ang lahat ng luha na inipon ko sa pagmamatigas na hindi ko dapat iyakan ang nangyaring iyon. Hinayaan niya akong damhin muli ang sakit ng nangyari noon at ang sakit ng nangyari ky Mommy. I cried. I cried so much.

“But Sielan, I just want to ask,” Levi said when I calm down.

“What?”

“Bakit ka agad tumakbo at lumayo nang hindi man lang klina-klaro ang lahat?” tanong niyang nagpatulos sa akin. “I am not saying that what you saw is not true or that you are lying. It’s just…there’s something missing in the story,”

“And that is?” I ask curiously.

“His side of the story,” Levi said that awakes me. “Nakita mo ba talagang…naghalikan sila? Based on your story, it’s the girl who did the first move. At sabi mo pa sa kwento mo na ang babaeng iyon ay madalas kang ibully dahil gusto niya si Leo. What if that girl plans everything? Paano kung hindi naman talaga nangyari ang halikan na sinasabi mo? O kung nangyari man, paano kung ang babaeng iyon lang pala ang may gusto niyon? But Leo doesn’t want the kiss? Have you thought of that, Sielan? Or you listen to your own judgment again?”

Nahihiya akong napayuko dahil hindi ko alam kung paanong sasagutin ang kaniyang tanong. Dahil ang totoo ay tama siya. I listened to my own judgement that led me for deciding to leave that place and never comes back again. I shut my eyes so tight. It was my fault again. The suffering I felt for years is my own deed. It was all my fault. Ako ang gumawa ng sarili kong sakit. Ako ang gumawa ng sarili kong paghihirap. I cannot justify what I did because I wasn’t a kid that time. I even proclaimed my maturity that time, but I still failed to act properly.

Mahigpit na yakap ang iginawa sa akin ni Levi bago ako ayaing magtungo sa club. Ayokong manatili sa aking silid at alalahanin ang lahat ng pagkakamali ko kaya ay sumama ako sa kaniya. Bukod doon at tama siya. Kailangan ko munang pag-isipan ng mabuti ang lahat at huwag basta-bastang magdesisyon ng naaayon sa aking nararamdaman katulad ng ginawa ko dati. Isa pa ay kailangan ko na ring pag-isipang mabuti ang pababalik sa lugar na iyon. Kung hanggang ngayon ay magmamatigas ako…bak si daddy naman ang mawala sa akin. Pero hindi ko pa talaga kayang bumalik sa lugar na iyon. Lalo na ngayong alam kong ako ang may malaking mali.

Anong mukha ang ihaharap ko kapag nagkita kami? Wala.

“Enjoy, Sielan. Hindi natin alam at baka sa susunod na araw ay kaladkarin ka n ani Uncle pabalik sa Davao. Kaya naman ay sulitin na natin,” sambit ni Levi.

“Alam ko naman ang daan pabalik kaya makaka-asa kang babalik ako dito anytime kung gawin man iyon ni Daddy,”

Levi scratches her nose. “You are being stubborn again, Sielan,” sambit niyang kung makapag-salita ay animo’y mas matanda sa akin. “You know the consequences of your stubbornness, right? So, behave properly.”

Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako bago ko lagukin ang aking iniinom. “Hindi ko pa rin kayang bumalik doon,”

“Bakit? Dahil nahihiya kang humarap sa kaniya dahil natanto mo nang may mali ka? O natatakot ka dahil baka ang dadatnan mo ay may asawa na siya?” tanong niyang mabilis nagpa-salubong sa aking kilay.

But the thought of Leo with his own family and wife stings my heart. “Hindi ko alam.”

Levi smirks. “Alam mo ang sagot pero hindi mo lang matanggap,” aniya. “Mahal mo pa.”

Napabuntong-hininga akong muli. “Yes. I still love him to the core. But I really wanted to forget him. Forget everything.”

Levi drinks her rum and looks at me. “Be careful of what you wish, Sielan.”

I just shrugged. “Hindi ba’t mas mabuti na iyong makalimutan ko na lang siya at ang lahat ng nangyari para kapag nagkita kami ay wala akong maaalala?”

“Talaga ba? O gusto mo lang makalimot para matakbuhan ang pagkakamali mo?”

“Levi…”

“Mabura man ang alaala mo, ang tendency na babalik na iyon ay malaki pa rin. Makalimot ka man, ang puso mo ay makaka-ramdam pa rin ng familiarity. At makalimot ka man, hindi mo pa rin matatabukhan ang mali mo. Because all wrongs should be face and corrected. Hindi kinakalimutan at tinatakbuhan.”

I swallowed hard. Levi got the point again. I don’t want to run away with my faults but I…I also don’t want to carry the pain when I go back there. I am also scared. Scared to see him again after a very long time. I am scared because I still love him. I am scared because I don’t what to do if I see him again.

What if he doesn’t love me anymore?

“I am very sorry for hurting you with my words, Sielan. But I just want to wake you up,” Aunt Karen said. “Please be a good girl now,” she said before hugging me.

“We will be going to miss,” Kuya Carlo said and hugs me as well.

“Be a good girl now, Sielan,” Uncle Lemuel said and offers a hug also.

Levi smirks at me and I chuckled at her. “Don’t be scared. You are Sielan Errania, right? Just learn from your mistakes now. Hindi mo kailangan makalimutan siya para maharap mo siya. You just have to be brave,” she advises and I nod. “Take care, Sielan. No more Friday night there,” she mocks and hugs me.

I bid my goodbye to them and thank wholeheartedly. Labis ang pasasalamat ko sa mainit na pagtanggap nila sa akin. At sa pagmamahal at pag-aalaga na ipinaramdaman nila. They are my second home next to my family. Kung hindi dahil sa kanila ay wala akong matatakbuhan na iba noong panahong tumakbo ako palayo sa lugar na iyon. Kung hindi dahil sa akin ay hindi ko makikita ang mga mali. And I will always be thankful to them.

Takot mang bumalik ay wala akong ibang pagpipilian. Galit na si Daddy at kung hindi pa ako susunod ay dalagang kakaladkarin na niya ako pabalik doon lalo na nang malaman niya ang mga pinaggagawa ko rito sa Manila. Those Friday night and everynight party, drinking and smoking. Lahat ay nakarating sa kaniya. Pati ang pag-alis ko sa trabaho ko at pagpili na maging tambay ay nakarating sa kaniya kaya naman ay pursigido na siyang ibalik doon sa malapit sa kaniya. Iyong mababantayan niya ako. And when he learned about my decision to come back, he offers to fetch me in Manila, but I refuse. I am scared that what happened to mom might happen again. Kaya naman ay ako na lang ang lumuwas.

And the same fate happens to me. Where my wish was granted.