After My Death Tomorrow

Episode 5

Parallel universe. The other dimension. The other world. The other me.

Parallel universe is where the letters of my future self came from. Sa mundong ginagalawan nila ngayon, nangyari na ang nakatadhanang mangyari sa mundo ko ngayon. Sa mundo nila, wala na si Marco. And the thoughts pained me right now. Like bruising my heart in a slow motion, I don't know what to feel first. Feel sad? Anxious? Alarmed?

It's borderline stressing the hell out of me.

As I stare at Marco's vacant seat, I heave a deep and sad sigh. Trying to halt myself from crying. Naiyak ko nang lahat kagabi, ubos na ubos na ako ngayon.

I already paid the price.

It was my fault.

I am a f*****g idiot.

A hoe.

A stupid person.

It was all my fault.

Yesterday was fun, I got the chance to know Marco more. The real Marco. The Marco that I would sacrifice myself just to be close with.

Yesterday, we were carefree. We are youth. A group of innocent lives with nothing to think of but to never stop that day early. Ilang oras iyon ng tawanan at asaran habang gumagala kami sa kung saan kami dalhin ng mga paa namin.

Yesterday was the best day of my life . . . but not when last night's circumstance started to struck before my eyes. Hindi ko iyon inaasahan. Hindi ako handa para doon. Hindi ko kayang tanggapin ang nangyari kagabi. Ayokong tanggapin. Dahil hindi ko talaga kaya.

Absentmindedly, I stood up. Walang tao sa classroom ngayon. Lahat ng kaklase ko ay pumunta sa canteen. I even pushed Magne to just leave me alone. I was so grateful that she let me without even asking a question.

I headed to the comfort room to . . . cry. There, I sob and sob and sob until I wish for yesterday to happen again. Sana talaga, pwede iyong maulit. Sana talaga, pwede ko pang baguhin ang nangyari na. Kasi 'yung sakit at pagsisi, pinapatay ako ngayon, eh. 'Yung sama ng loob sa sarili sa hindi ko pagsunod doon sa nakasulat sa letter, patuloy akong pinapatay nang unti-unti. Para akong nauupos na kandila. Habang tumatagal ang oras ay parang hindi ko na yata kakayanin pang tanggapin ang mga nangyari kagabi. Baka sumabog na lang ako.

With damped face, bumalik na uli ako sa classroom. Ngunit natigilan ako sa harap ng pinto nang matanaw ko iyong pink na envelope sa aking desk.

It was the letter from my future self!

Widening my eyes, I hastily walk towards it. I was so quick to grab ahold of it. With trembling hands, I started to open it. Sa panginginig ko nga ay muntik ko nang mapunit ito.

To Margot,

Hope you are doing fine.

I am not.

I will never be.

Today was listed as one of the saddest days of my life. It was the one I want to go back with and change. I just wish I had the power to change the past.

Pero wala akong nagawa.

Hindi ko alam ang mangyayari.

Wala akong ideya sa kahihinatnan ng mga choices ko sa buhay.

Pinapahirapan mo ba ako?

Bakit lalo mo pang pinaparamdam na ang tanga-tanga ko sa hindi pagsunod sa iyo?

Last night was the worst night. Kung anong tawa ang itinawa ko noong umaga hanggang hapon, ganoon din naman ang iniyak ko nang mabalitaan sa TV ang ginawa ng tatay ni Marco.

He r***d a young student and chopped her body into pieces.

The body of that girl was dumped somewhere isolated from the houses of our Municipality.

It was a breaking news to all of the TV station. It was trending online. Marco's father's pictures are all over places. Minumura siya sa caption. Wishing him to die. Almost wanting to kill him if chances was given to them.

To my horror, he was eventually killed on that same night. Sabi ng mga pulis, inagaw niya ang baril ng isa sa kanila. Nanlaban. 'Yan ang dahilan nila sa pagpatay sa kanya.

The whole nation celebrated after that. They were so happy from what had happened. Praising the cops, they almost want to kiss them out of the inevitable bliss they felt.

That night, I tried to contact Marco. I know it will pain him the most. Sila na lang dalawa ng Papa niya, eh. Mag-isa na lang siya ngayon. Wala na siyang makakasama. At hindi ko rin talaga alam kung papaano ko siya matutulungan lalo na't ngayong kalaban niya ang mundo.

And it was my fault.

I know.

Napahawak ako sa aking bibig.

Muling umagos ang maiinit na luha mula sa aking mga mata.

Kung hindi ko sana siya pinilit noon para sumama sa amin ni Magne, chances are, he would've stopped his father from what crime he is about to commit.

There was a slight change to my present. Iba ang nangyari kahapon, ako ang pinilit nila. Pero bakit doon pa rin dumiretso sa dapat mangyari ang kinahinatnan nito?

Huli na noong malaman naming lulong sa droga ang tatay ni Marco. That day, he is scheduled to undergo rehab. Ihahatid sana siya ni Marco sa hospital after school.

Pero hindi niya nagawa.

Bakit hindi mo na lang iyon tinuloy, Marco?

Walang pumilit sa 'yo kahapon.

Bakit hindi mo sinunod ang plano mo?

And it was again, brought to you by me.

Dahil ba ito sa pag-iba ko sa dapat mangyari kahapon ng umaga? Dapat ba ay hindi na lang ako nag-truth sa spin the bottle game?

Pero kung ganoon nga, kung hindi ko babaguhin ang dapat na mangyari, papaano ko naman masasagip ang buhay ni Marco?

Kung ang pag-iba sa dapat mangyari ay walang epekto, papaano ko pa mababago ang mapait na mangyayari kay Marco?

Paano?

Now, Margot, I want you to comfort Marco. Don't leave him. H'wag mong gawin ang ginawa ko noon. That time, I stayed quiet because I don't want to fight with the world. I don't want people to paint me as an antagonist. I was so consious back then that I didn't notice how my actions would affect Marco so much.

Natulala na lang ako.

Wala sa isip na nalulukot ko na pala ang papel.

I will never leave Marco. Knowing that it was my fault, I want to own up to my mistake. I have to do the right thing. Because that's what the least that I can do to Marco and to his fate. His tragic fate that I don't want to continue.

Suddenly, my phone rang. It was a notification from my Messenger app. It came from Spero Futurae!

With dilated eyes, I was quick to open the message. Ang laman na naman nito ay voice message.

I ask myself, ready ba akong marinig ito?

Handa ba akong pakinggan ang durog na durog na si Marco?

Kakayanin ko ba?

Without answering myself, I chose to just hit the play button before I even stop myself.

What would you feel if the world suddenly turn against you?

That question never cross my mind until my father's crime.

I never thought that that idea would happen to me.

I am not ready to face it. Not until things happen before my mind could cope up with it.

Before I realize it, the world had already turned his back at me. And I was left here with nothing but my broken heart and the corpse of my father. Walang gustong tumulong sa amin-- hindi, mayroon naman pero kaya nga lang, takot silang mahusgahan ng mundo.

Napalunok ako.

Bakit ba kasi ginawa ito ng future self ko?

Dapat, dinamayan na lang niya si Marco.

Kung ginawa niya iyon, hindi na sana mangyayari ang pagkawala ni Marco sa mundo nila.

Walang funenaria ang gustong tumanggap kay Papa. Lahat ng puntahan namin ay ayaw akong kausapin. Hanggang sa muntik nang mawalan ng pasensya sa amin iyong driver ng ambulance kung saan nakasakay ang katawan ni Papa. Mabuti na lang talaga at napakiusapan ko siya kasi kung hindi, hindi ko talaga alam ang gagawin ko.

Paano mo ito nakaya, Marco?

Sa huli, fortunately and gratefully, may tumanggap na sa amin. It was a little funeral. Halatang hindi ganoong kayaman ang may ari noon. Pero he is so kind enough to not look at me as what the world had already painted me to be. He don't saw me as my father's crime. He only saw me as a son who would do things for his father, regardless of what his father did. Unconditionally.

That time, it was the ball of energy that I want to receive. That ball of energy made me realize that the world didn't turned their back to me at all. Naintindihan kong may mga tao pa rin talagang handang tumulong.

You gotta just look on the brighter sides.

But . . .

There's a long pause and I am not ready for this.

I know, what's next.

It will kill me.

It's easier to look on the dull sides than to the brighter ones when you are going through something very hard. So hard that negativity is only living upon you.

Then it followed by his painful sobs.

Hindi ko pa rin ito maatim na pakinggan.

Ang sakit niyang pakinggan.

The world turned their back at me, that's what I want to believe after I read all of what people told about my father.

They are rejoicing for his death.

Just like demons.

Inhumane demons who are still lurking on my dreams. Up to these days, sila pa rin ang laman ng utak ko. Animong binubulungan akong gawin ang bagay na . . .

Halata ang pagpipigil ng kanyang hikbi, my mouth curved upside. Ang pag-garalgal ng kanyang boses ay sinundan ng pag-hikbi ko.

Na ayaw ko.

Ang bagay na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin masabi.

Kasi hindi ko kaya.

Pero ito lang ang solusyon.

I have to end this here. Today.

And I am thinking, would the world rejoice too after what will they know about my death tomorrow?

Napatayo na lang ako. Dali-dali kong sinakbit sa braso ko ang aking bag. Napatakbo sa corridors ng school habang pininpindot ang call button.

There wasn't anything I want to do that moment but to stay on Marco's side.

He needs me.

And I need him to be okay.