Epiphany

Nil Homini Certum Est

Nothing is certain for man

HANNAH

Today, Selene will be teaching me how to cook sinigang. Isinama n'ya ako sa condo unit n'ya para dito kami magluto. Her place is neat and cozy. And her dogs are so cute! 

"Thank you, Selene," I said with all sincerity as we finished cooking and tidying up her kitchen. 

I am thanking her not only for teaching me how to cook. I am thanking her not only for today. I am in deep gratitude to her for stepping in my life and for pulling me out of my miseries. 

Selene was the one who took my hand and lead me out of the shadows. She's the one who gave me hope and courage to step up for myself. If not for her, I am still hiding myself, feeling sorry, and sulking for the things I could never get back. 

She's the one who made me realize that's it's alright to make mistakes, but to let those failures rule and define me is ridiculous. What happened to me years ago is not my fault. Nagkamali ako pero biktima lang ako. Pero ang patuloy na hayaan ang pagkakamali na iyon na pigilin ako sa buhay... to let that downfall rule my life and affect my actions and way of thinking... iyon na ang kasalanan ko. 

Selene opened my eyes. She made me realized how wrong I've been living my life. She encouraged me to open my doors and to step out. If not for her, I'm still missing these chances in life. 

Little by little, I am living again. Little by little, I am happy again. 

All thanks to this wonderful person. She may be rough around the edges, but she passionate and kind. She's thoughtful and considerate. She's bold and brave, yet sensitive and compassionate. 

"You're welcome," Selene smirked at me. "You can stay on the living room while I feed the dogs."

I nodded then made my way to her living room. Her unit was full of pastel pink, light wood and white. This is so feminine and warm and soft. There are plants everywhere which made it feel relaxing. Marami ring artworks na naka-display sa mga dingding, cabinets, shelves, at tables. 

Inilibot ko ang paningin ko sa mga framed photos na naka-display. A family portrait caught my attention. My eyes widened upon recognizing faces on it. 

I felt like being slapped hard in the face. 

"Selene," I called in a serious tone. I don't know what to feel. 

"Yes?" Selene approached me with a smile. When I remained serious, she turned her head on the photo I was looking at. 

"You knew Skipper Vergara?" I can't help the shaking of my voice. Seeing the devil's face was enough to shake the world I am trying hard to rebuild. 

I bowed my head as tears started to blur my vision. 

I heard Selene's sigh. She sat down on a couch across me. "Yeah. He's my cousin's husband," she said after clearing her throat. "I know Trey and Marron too. Trey is my cousin," she deadpanned. 

My tears started pouring down. I feel so embarrassed. 

Being related with those people, she must know everything about me. About my shameful past, and how I got stuck in a mental institute. 

"I know you, but I don't care about your past." Selene gave me a warm and understanding smile. "We all do something we aren't proud of. I have shares of my walk of shame."

I stared at Selene for a long while. Her face looks gentle and understanding. I know she's genuine. I know I shouldn't judge her just because she knows people I hate. She's not them. 

And I love Selene. She's like a sister to me. If ever she's just playing with me, I know that she's worth the pain. Because if not for her, hindi rin naman ako makakabangon. Kaya kung madadapa muli ako dahil sa kanya, wala naman iyon masyadong pinagkaiba. 

I know the happiness I am feeling right now is worth risking for a little heartache if she's just playing me. 

I threw my arms on her. "Thank you, Selene," I giggled in spite of my tears. "You're the sister I always prayed for."

Selene laughed. "I was never told that. 'Yong mga kapatid ko nga kung pwede lang akong ipamigay, matagal na nilang ginawa."

We giggled together then she tickled me. "You're older than me, but I'm like an Ate to you!" She laughed. "You're more childish than I am." 

Learning about Selene's relationship with my brother is still a shock. 

Kahapon ay extended birthday celebration sana ni Kuya. We went out to a club, and shock will be an understatement when he called Selene baby. Lahat kaming mga kasama nila ay punung-puno ng mga katanungan ngunit hindi naman nagkaroon ng pagkakataon na usisain si Kuya dahil kinailangan n'yang sumama sa pag-alis ni Selene. Something urgent came up with Selene's family. 

The next day, laman ng balita ang nangyari kay Terrence Amante. Selene's uncle died in a heart attack. Inatake s'ya sa puso nang malaman ang nangyari sa apo n'yang si Tripp Vergara. The poor boy, only two years old, was shot by masked men. It was an ambush involving Skipper Vergara and his son. 

According to the reports, it was a case of mistaken identity. Si Tricia Amante-Vergara ang target, at dahil sasakyan n'ya ang gamit ng mag-ama n'ya nang paulanan iyon ng bala, ang kawawang bata ang napuruhan at agad na binawian ng buhay. 

I hate Skipper Vergara. I want him to pay for what he did to me, but I don't feel any rejoice with what happened to his son. I don't want him to die either. I want him to suffer. 

And now he's suffering. 

 I shook my head at that evil thought. I shouldn't be happy that he's suffering with a lost of a child. Gusto ko na maghirap at maging miserable si Skipper Vergara, pero hindi ako natutuwa sa nangyari sa anak n'ya. 

The innocent boy shouldn't be suffering for the sin of his parents. Hindi dapat s'ya nadadamay sa kasamaan ng mga magulang n'ya. 

The death of the Amantes circulated the media the whole day. I can't help but worry for Selene. Kuya called me a while ago saying that he's with Selene and her family last night. He told me that she's sad but she seems fine. 

Stella and Vivian slept over in our house. We just hanged out on the pool area after our breakfast. 

"I still can't believe that your friend is Kuya Frig's TOTGA," Stella said while painting her nails. Nasa sun lounger s'ya habang kami ni Vivian ay nasa pool at nagbababad. 

I had huge changes since I met Selene. Stella said that I am more fun to be with now. I am even wearing bikini now that we're swimming in our pool. I also got enough courage to speak up and join some fun. I am far from the timid frigid girl I used to be. I am not that afraid of the world anymore. 

"TOTGA?" I asked. 

Stella rolled her eyes. "The one that got away, Hannah," she sarcastically said. 

I giggled. "Nagulat din ako. But it made me happy."

"Why?" Viv asked then splashed water on me. 

I shrugged. "Because I know that Selene's a good person."

"Yeah. I like Selene as well. She's cool and fun," Stella agreed.

"I found her odd for Kuya Frig," Vivian shrugged. "She's far from someone I perceived to be with Kuya Frig. I always think that Kuya needs someone serious and calm."

"I think Selene and Kuya Frig are perfect match," Stella argued. "Kuya needs someone bright to lighten up his gloomy and dull life."

I nodded. "Selene's a ball of sunshine." 

"Agreed. Look at what she did to Hannah."

I nodded. "And from what I heard from Kuya, she's the reason behind his successful process of moving on from Marron," I said. "Iyon nga lang, hindi n'ya nagawang mag-move on kay Selene. Thankfully, she's back now."

"Why did they break up in the first place?" Viv asked. She looks interested with the topic. 

I shrugged. "I don't know."

"Maybe Selene's too playful?" Stella suggested. "Baka na-bored kay Kuya Frig?" 

I shook my head. I remembered an instant when Ae and Icen are teasing Selene. "I remembered a scene where Selene was teased by her cousin that she got it bad with the doctor. Inaasar s'ya kasi in love na in love s'ya sa isang doktor at nabigo s'ya."

"Kuya's the one who broke up with her?" hindi makapaniwalang tanong ni Vivian.

"I don't know what really happened," I sighed. "But I'm glad that they're back together now."

"And I am glad that you know how to gossip now," Stella laughed. "f**k! I really love Selene."

I giggled. "Yeah."

"Thinking about it... what if pala, ginamit ka lang ni Selene para mapalapit ulit kay Kuya Frigate? What if kinaibigan ka lang n'ya for that purpose?" Vivian asked after a while.

Stella exaggeratedly rolled her eyes. "Vivian, dear, this is not a television drama. Who the hell will scheme like that?" 

Viv shrugged. "Amantes are great schemer. Look what they did to Hannah."

I appreciate her concern for me, but I don't like her badmouthing my best friend. 

"Selene is not that kind of person. And I was the one who insisted myself on her," I said in a firm voice. 

Viv shrugged. "If you say so. But you should be careful on who you trust."

I giggled. "Selene told me the same things." I smiled at her. "You shouldn't worry too much about me. And if ever Selene is just using me, nakinabang din naman ako sa kanya." 

"And have you seen Selene?" Stella dramatically asked. "The girl can move a mountain with her look. And with Kuya Frig's reaction when she walked in the club... damn! He's so whipped. If she simply wants to get Kuya Frigate back, she doesn't need some leverage. Hindi n'ya kailangan si Hannah. Kanyang-kanya naman si Kuya Frigate. It's obvious." 

Vivian laughed. "Kung sa bagay. Kuya never moved on from her. He's been rejecting women around him. Kahit pa 'yong todo effort na si Kyla."

I smiled. "They're loyal to each other."

"Baka naman nag-break lang sila dahil seloso si Kuya Frigate?" Stella suggested. 

"Paano mo naman nasabi?" Vivian asked my same question. 

Stella shrugged. "Have you took in Caspian's godlike image? He's Selene's bodyguard, right? Baka nagseselos si Kuya sa kanya kasi palagi silang magkasama. Baka insecure na ma-develop si Selene sa bodyguard n'ya."

"What the hell, Stella?!" Vivian laughed. "Are you taking interest with the bodyguard?" 

"Why not?" Stella said. "He's so gwapo and makisig, Vi! For me nga, mas hot s'ya as compared to Kuya Frig."

I can't argue with Stella. Malakas talaga nag dating ni Caspian. He's mysterious, snob and his aura demands respect and attention. 

"But Kuya is a doctor while he's just a bodyguard," Vivian smirked. 

Stella waved her hand. "Vivian, sobrang yaman na ng mga Amante. I'm sure they wouldn't care about someone's net worth in choosing a partner."

And Stella kept on talking about Selene's bodyguard. Mukhang may crush na s'ya kay Caspian. 

After having our merienda, nagyaya si Vivian na magpa-spa. Hindi na ako sumama sa kanilang dalawa at nagpaiwan na lang sa bahay. 

Now that my cousins are not here to keep me occupied, my mind went back with Skipper Vergara. 

I know that this is evil, but I can't stop the little victory I am feeling right now knowing that he's suffering. It's just sad that it was in the expense of an innocent life. 

I received a call from Kuya. Nagpapasundo s'ya sa bahay nila Selene. Dahil kasama ni Mommy ang driver namin, si Kuya TJ ang tinawagan ko para sunduin ako. Unlike the others na may duty sa ospital, Kuya TJ can ditch his office. 

Ilang beses na ako nakapunta sa bahay nila Selene sa Bel-Air kaya hindi na kami nahirapan. Nang papasukin kami ng helper nila na si Ate Jeng, sila Kuya at Selene lang ang naabutan namin sa sala. Nakasandal ang katawan ni Selene kay Kuya habang ang kapatid ko ay nilalaro ang mga daliri n'ya gamit ang kanang kamay at ang kaliwa naman ay humahaplos sa buhok n'ya. 

They look so natural with each other. Para bang ganito ang normal nila at sanay na sanay sila sa isa't isa. And it made my heart feel so warm. Seeing the two people I love, looking contented and finding comfort with each other made me happy. 

When they realized that we're here, Selene quickly raised from the couch then went straight to me. We hugged each other tightly. I want to be here for her. Selene was there on my toughest times. I want to be here for her this time. 

But their family have things to do. I promised Selene that I'm just a call away. 

"Kawawa naman sila," I sighed when we got into Kuya TJ's car. Si Kuya na ang nasa front seat ngayon at ako ay sa backseat. 

"Selene will be fine. Don't worry yourself too much," Kuya said.

"I'm happy that you got the girl back," Kuya TJ chuckled. 

"And I'm not letting go this time," Kuya said in a frim tone. 

I want to ask Kuya more about Selene but he shut himself up on his room. Wala pa raw s'yang tulog dahil magdamag silang nag-inuman nila Carrack at Kuya Levin. 

Kuya woke up around dinner time. Mom's out of the country right now for a conference so it's just us two. I asked him about his relationship with Selene but he told me to ask Selene instead. 

We're on the living room, casually talking about anything when Selene, with her brother, knocked on our door. I am more than willing to let them in. Dapat ay magpapaalam na rin ako kay Kuya na aakyat na sa silid ko para matulog ngunit I'm willing to stay with Selene. 

Selene brought tubs of ice cream. We went to our family room to feast on it while watching a movie. 

"I need to pee," I excused myself. 

We're done with the ice creams a long time ago and was already on our second movie. 

Selene and I sat side by side in the long couch. Carrack took the single seater while Kuya slumped himself on the floor, leaning on Selene's legs. 

I carefully went out of the room then into my room. Katabi lang ng silid ko ang family room kaya mas malapit ito kaysa sa common toilet and bath ng second floor ng bahay namin. 

After peeing, I washed my face then brushed my teeth. Nang lumabas ako ng silid ko ay bahagyang napatalon ako nang makita ko si Carrack na nakasandal sa dingding na katabi ng pinto ng family room. 

Nang  makita ako ni Carrack ay tumuwid s'ya ng pagkakatayo. He cleared his throat then gave me a small smile. "I need a glass of water. I find it rude to just walk around, so..."

Hindi ko kayang tumitig sa kanya kaya nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa mga mata n'ya na titig na titig sa akin. I tasted something bitter on my mouth as I remembered him with Flannery, and the fact that he used me to get to her. 

I got pissed with Vivian insinuating things like this with Selene, pero heto ako at binibintangan si Carrack ng parehong bagay. I am a hypocrite.

"There's a personal fridge on the family room," I said in a dismissive tone. 

"I don't want cold water, Hannah."

Left without a choice, I escorted him to our kitchen. I don't want to be rude to him kahit pa may tampo ako. Kapag ako ang nasa bahay nila, lahat ng tao ay hospitable sa akin. Ayoko na ipahiya ang pamilya ko. 

I got him a bottled water. Sanay na sanay si Kuya sa mga bottled water kaya marami kami ng ganito sa bahay. Umiinom lang s'ya sa baso kung sabay-sabay kami na kakain sa hapag. Kapag s'ya lang mag-isa, mas gusto n'ya na kumuha na lang bote ng tubig kaysa ang gumamit ng baso at magsalin mula sa pitsel ng tubig. Tamad si Kuya Frigate sa ganitong bagay. 

Nang maiabot ko na kay Carrack ang tubig ay gusto ko na s'yang iwan sa kusina. Ang kaso ay nakaharang s'ya sa dadaanan ko palabas ng kitchen. It will be awkward kung iikot ako sa kabilang side ng kitchen island para mauna nang umalis. 

Carrack took his time drinking from the bottle. I kept my eyes averted from his face because his eyes are on me while he drinks. 

"Can we talk?" Carrack asked in a serious tone. 

Kumunot ang noo ko pero tumango na lang. After all, I still owe him for bringing me to the formal dinner. He made me happy... kahit pa nasira at naglaho na parag bula ang lahat ng kasiyahan ko the next day. 

I lead him to our patio near the pool side. Naka-dim na ang lahat ng ilaw sa loob ng bahay namin at ayoko naman na magbukas pa ng mga ilaw dahil baka makaistorbo ako sa ibang kasama namin. Ayoko rin na kausapin s'ya na masyadong madilim. 

"You should keep the lights off. We can enjoy the stars better in the dark," Carrack said after I switched the lights on. 

Gusto kong magdahilan ngunit wala naman akong makapa. With a sigh, I switched the lights off, but I kept standing on the spot where I am, few meters away from our guest. 

Carrack is on a simple gray cotton shorts, maroon hoodie, and black foam clog shoes. His hand were tucked inside the front pockets of his hoodie. He looks nostalgic while looking up at the sky. 

"This is beautiful. You should see them. The stars," Carrack said in a gentle tone. He got a nostalgic smile on his beautiful face. 

Mesmerized with his voice, my feet started moving. I stood more than a meter from him then looked up at the sky. There were few stars twinkling in the sky. 

I hugged myself as the wind blew. I'm only on my silk terno shorts. 

"Are you alright?" Carrack asked in a gentle tone. 

"W-What do you mean?" I felt a hard thud on my chest. He's the first person who asked me that. 

He sighed then turned his body to give me his full attention. "Skipper Vergara was all over the news. Hearing about him... are you alright?"

I bit my lip then bowed my head. Nobody checked on me regarding that. Seeing that I am lively and alright, everybody assumed that I already got over it. 

But this man... 

I found myself sobbing. This made me think that he actually cares for him. Mas binibigyan n'ya lang ng pag-asa ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. 

This is bad. 

"Can I hold you?" Carrack asked in a concerned and gentle tone. 

Before I can even process what he said, he's already holding me. 

The warmth of his body around me triggered my tears. I found myself crying on his chest. My hands crawled on his back and I pulled him closer to me. 

"It's alright, Hannah. Cry your worries on me. I am here. He can't harm you," Carrack cooed on me. 

"I hate myself," I sobbed. 

Carrack gently rubbed his hand on my back. 

"I'm feeling satisfied knowing that he's suffering. I feel overjoyed thinking that he's miserable." I tightened my hold on Carrack. "Ang sama-sama ko para ikasaya 'to. Ang sama ko para makaramdam ng kasiyahan..."

"It's not your fault," Carrack whispered. "We're only human. It's alright. It's not your fault."

I bit my lip. "But an innocent boy died. And your Tito..."

Carrack held my face then made me face him. Pinahid n'ya ang mga luha ko gamit ang mga daliri n'ya. Seryosong-seryoso ang mga mata n'ya na pinapanood ang mukha ko. 

"It's not your fault, Hannah. Hindi ikaw ang may gawa n'on. You didn't wish for that to happen."

"But I prayed for his karma," I admitted, shameful of my selfish wishes. I feel guilty. 

"It's not your fault, Hannah. That was fate written for them. Wala kang kasalanan sa mga nangyari. It's only natural for us humans to wish and pray for ourselves. You simply wished for justice for what happened to you. For what he did to you. I know that you never wish for that to happen. I believe in your kindness."

And that moment, his words were everything I need. 

I found myself looking back at Carrack's intense gaze. And slowly, our lips fused. 

I've never been kissed for years. And his lips on mine felt like magic. It felt like I was floating in the air and fairy dust are swirling around us. 

When Carrack moved his lips, I moaned. At parang biglang napaso na lumayo s'ya sa akin. 

Wide-eyed and apologetic, he stared at me. 

I feel like crying at his expression. He regretted the kiss. 

"Hannah..."

"Please don't apologize," I sobbed. 

May kakayahan talaga si Carrack na buuin ako, at wasakin ako. 

After a moment of silence, Carrack took my hand. He took a deep breath then gave my hand a squeeze. "I don't know if I can be the man right for you, Hannah."

I bit my lip. Dang! 

My dying heart found its reason to live with his words. Binibigyang pag-asa na naman. 

I don't know what else to say to that! 

"I want to try to be one though..." 

I eyes snapped on his face. Lips parted, and eyes wide with hope. 

Carrack gave me a shy smile. His cheeks are blushing! 

"But I don't know if I am ready now, Hannah. With everything going on with our family... I don't want to juggle you with my responsibilities. You don't deserve that." 

I can feel the shivers all over my body. I feel giddy from the crown of my head to the heels of my feet. 

"I-I..." I bit my lip. "I still have a lot more to work on with myself as well."

Carrack bit his lip. "You're saying that..."

I nodded. "Let's wait for each other." 

"Damn," he nervously chuckled. "Thank you, baby." 

I can feel my face heating up at the endearment. 

"Nothing is certain for man, but I will put my faith and hope with you," he said.

And as scary as it may be. I'll put my heart in line for you, Carrack. 

And I'll just hope that you won't break it.