Epiphany

Umbra

Shadows

HANNAH

It's a lazy Friday morning and I don't have anything to do. I already finished my internship for this semester and I won't be having another until summer. I was strolling the mall, trying to entertain myself, when I felt the need to take a break from walking around. I went inside a coffee shop to pass my time. Inabala ko na lang ang sarili ko sa pagbabasa ng bagong biling libro.

Dati naman akong sanay na mag-isa ngunit simula nang maging kaibigan ko si Selene ay hinahanap-hanap ko na ang may kasama o kahit may maingay man lang sa paligid. I don't want to be alone anymore.

I was on the third chapter of the book when I received a message from Carrack. He's asking if I'm busy. Nang sinabi ko na hindi ay tumawag s'ya.

"Hi!" I smiled kahit na hindi naman n'ya nakikita.

Carrack is on his office right now and was having a meeting earlier this morning. Baka natapos na n'ya kaya tumatawag na s'ya. Ang alam ko ay abala s'ya buong araw ngayon dahil bukas ay plano namin na mamasyal sa Baguio. 

"Hello. What are you doing?"

I bit my lip at the tenderness of his voice. "I'm just reading a book," I replied as I closed the book then set it down on the table. Sinandal ko ang likod ko sa upuan at inabot ang cup ko ng iced coffee at tipid na sumipsip mula sa straw.

"What book?"

"Nothing that will interest you," I giggled. I'm sure that Carrack is not the type who will love classic literature.

"Nasa bahay ka lang?"

"Nope. Nasa Estancia ako. It was lonely at home so I went out," I explained.

"Hmm... I have a meeting in ten minutes. I don't think it will take long. After the meeting puntahan kita. Let's have dinner together?" There's a trace of excitement on his tone.

Isang linggo na kaming hindi nagkikita. He's always calling me and checking on me from time to time, but he can't make time to meet me in person. Masyado silang abala sa kompanya dahil sa pagpapalit ng posisyon ng ilan. He told me that he's now the President and CEO of L&L Amante Holdings Inc. as part of changing the whole structure of Amante Group of Companies or AGC. Kuya Levin will step up on being the President, with Trey as the CEO, and  Ate Tria resumed being the Chairman of the Board of Directors for AGC. 

Hindi ko masyadong naiintindihan ang pinagkaiba ng mga posisyon nila. Pero ang sabi ni Carrack ay bumaba ang posisyon n'ya at mas gusto n'ya iyon. Hindi na s'ya parte ng mother company kaya hindi na s'ya masyadong kakailanganin na lumabas ng bansa. 

I went back on reading my book after a short phone call with Carrack. Minutes of talking to him brightened up my day. 

Masyado akong nalibang sa binabasa ko kaya hindi ko na namalayan ang oras. Nagulat na lamang ako nang may umupo sa harap ko.

Agad na naramdaman ko ang paninikip ng dibdib ko nang mapagsino iyon. It's Marron Vergara-Amante!

My hands shook. I placed my book down then grabbed my bag. I didn't expect this meeting.

I don't want to be with her. I don't want to be near with anyone related to that devil! And she's his sister.

"Hannah," Marron gently called.

Nanigas ako sa kinauupuan ko. She's my brother's ex-girlfriend. Kuya almost married her, but I only met her twice before. I was never close to her. And the last time I saw her, I learned that she's his sister. And she's the one who pointed out the reason why I was locked up in an institution. Pinagbintangan n'ya ako na nagsisinungaling lang at gawa-gawa ko lang ang mga paratang ko sa demonyo n'yang kapatid.

This woman is as rotten as her brother! Mabuti na lang at hindi sila nagkatuluyan ng kapatid ko. She's no good for him.

"Please leave," matapang na sabi ko.

One thing I learned from Selene is to never runaway. I have to face my fears and show my fangs. I was here first. Ayoko s'ya na nasa harap ko kaya dapat s'yang umalis.

"H-How are you?" Her voice was gentle but I don't want to be deceived. She's a schemer after all. Nakuha n'yang gamitin ang Kuya ko sa kabila ng kabutihan at pagmamahal na ibinigay sa kanya. She's selfish and greedy. Wala akong mapapala sa pakikipag-usap sa kanya.

Baka nga gusto n'ya lang akong saktan at bintangan ng kung anu-ano. Baka ipagpilitan n'ya lang na may schizophrenia ako. Baka gusto n'ya lang na magwala ako dito at ipahiya ko ang sarili ko. 

"You're not my friend so don't ask," mataray na sabi ko. Pero sa loob-loob ko, nababalisa na ako. Gusto kong tumakbo paalis. Nagsisimula na akong makaramdam ng panlalamig.

Dang! I am desperately trying to fix myself and move on from my bitter past. I don't need her to keep on reminding me how I fell and how some people view me.

I was out in the institution but there are still who believes that I am schizophrenic. Hindi ako baliw! Kaya nga nandito ako ngayon.

And I never imagined things! Bakit ko naman gugustuhin isipin na binaboy ako kung hindi? Bakit ko naman pipiliin na sirain ang buhay ko?

Hot tears rolled down my cheeks. "Leave me alone," I sobbed. I covered my face with both my hands. 

It felt like the ground beneath me is shaking. And I know that I should stand up for myself. I know that I should be brave to stand still even on shaking grounds. 

But I can't...

Since she doesn't want to leave me alone, ako na lang ang tumayo at nagmartsa paalis. She tried to call me but I ignored her. I have no business with her. 

"Hannah, wait!" She grabbed me by my arm. 

Pagpihit ko paharap sa kanya ay buong pwersa na tinulak ko s'ya. She fell on the shelf behind her. Lumikha ng ingay ang pagkakabasag ng mga cofee mugs at kung ano pa na nahulog dahil sa pagkakauga ng patungan nila. 

We got the attention of the whole store. 

I have the strong urge to ball myself up and to hide from the eyes of the people. I feel offended, obscured and anxious. 

"I just want to apologize," Marron said as she brushed off something from her hand. I saw blood on it, pero wala akong pakielam sa kanya. 

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Just leave me alone. Masaya ka na, 'di ba? You got everything you want. If your guilt is bugging you, please keep me out of it."

There's no other reason why she's apologizing. Isa lang naman ang dahilan n'ya. At iyon ay ang guilty s'ya. Alam n'ya na may mga nasaktan at nasagasaan s'ya. Alam n'ya na may nagawa s'yang mali. 

She didn't do me wrong. Hindi n'ya rin naman kasalanan na gan'on ang naging reaksyon n'ya sa nangyari noon. Hindi n'ya kasalanan na judgmental s'ya. Wala s'yang kasalanan sa akin, pero sa Kuya ko ay malaki. But I know that things like that was inconsequential to my brother now. He's happy with Selene. 

At kung itong si Marron ay hindi masaya sa buhay n'ya, problema n'ya na iyon. 

Muli ko s'yang tinalikuran. Sa pagpihit ko ay nagtagpo ang mga mata namin ni Carrack. 

I immediately run to him then let myself be wrapped with his warmth. He's my comfort blanket. 

"What's happening here?" Carrack asked in a serious tone. "Are you alright, Hannah?" he asked while wrapping his arms on me. He gently rubbed my back then placed his hand on my head. 

I shook my head on his chest. "I want to be out of here."

"Okay. We'll go."

Carrack wrapped his arm on me while we walked out of the place. He lead me to where his car was then gently tucked me in the passenger's seat. With his left hand on the back of my seat and his right on the dashboard, he gave his full attention to me. 

"Baby, talk to me," he gently said. "What happened with Marron?"

I shook my head. "She did nothing wrong. I just panicked," I admitted. I felt embarrassed with myself so I covered my face with my hands. Ang mga luha na kanina ko pa pinipigil ay kusa nang tumulo ngayon. 

Because I feel safe and secured with Carrack around. It feels like it's alright to bare myself on him. Because he promised that he'll take every part of me. Even the bad ones. Even the unreasonable and illogical. 

"Want me to take you home?" Carrack asked. 

I shook my head. "I don't want to worry them."

Silence stretched. Unti-unti na ring humupa ang mga luha ko.

"Then..." Carrack cleared his throat. "Do you want to visit my place instead?" he carefully asked. 

I nodded. Because right now, what I need the most is the comfort I could only get from him. 

"Wala ka nang gagawin sa opisina ngayon?" Tanong ko habang nasa byahe na kami. Ang sabi ni Carrack ay nasa Cubao ang condo tower kung saan ang unit n'ya. Medyo traffic papunta kaya sa kalagitnaan ng byahe ay kalmado na ako. 

Carrack shook his head. "Nag-cancel na 'yong mga ka-meeting ko sana ng hapon."

"I see." I looked out the window. 

Ano kaya ang iniisip ni Carrack sa ngayon? Paano kung napagtatanto na n'ya na mahirap ako pakisamahan? Aayawan na ba n'ya ako? Dahil bigla na lang akong nag-be-breakdown. At kanina, kahit na nabigla lang ako, nasaktan ko pa rin si Marron. May violent tendencies ako. 

Nanatili kaming tahimik at nagpapakiramdaman hanggang sa makarating kami sa condo tower. He said that his unit was on Tower A. He held my hand while we're walking to the parking's lift. And he never let go until we reached his unit. 

Namangha ako nang makita ang unit ni Carrack. Pagpasok ay ang maluwag na sala n'ya. The whole place was on black and white. It's very modern and minimalist. There were huge couches on the center and a bar on the side. There's also a billiard table, a dart board, and arcade machines! 

"Feel at home," Carrack said as he shut the door behind us. 

Adjacent to the living room is the kitchen. There's a kitchen island with four high chairs on the side facing the living room. On the other side of it was the sink, stove, oven,  and cupboards. 

"You have a nice place," I said while looking beyond the kitchen. "May ganitong kalaking unit pala? This is like twice or thrice of Selene's place."

"This is originally six units. A 2-bedroom, 1-bedroom, and 4 studio type units. Since I bought the units prior to construction, I requested for some modifications," Carrack explained. Ni walang bakas ng yabang o pagmamalaki sa kanya. He placed his hand on the small of my back then pulled me with him. 

He showed me the room beside the kitchen which was the gym. It has a boxing ring on the center and some gym equipment on the side. May punching bag din at weights. The next room was the guest room with a queen size bed. And the last room was his room. 

"Since Ate moved back with our parents, halos hindi na ako nakakauwi dito," Carrack chuckled as he sat on the bed. He patted the space next to him. I gently sat beside him then looked around his room. "I enjoyed playing with Stan."

Sa dingding sa tapat ng paanan ng kama ay may malaking screen. Sa bandang baba nito ay may mababang cabinet kung saan may mga game consoles. Halos lahat ay kulay black. Ang puti lang ay ang mga tables at door jambs. 

"You like the place?" 

I nodded. "Very manly."

Carrack chuckled. "While Selene's was very girly," he smirked. 

"I noticed that you don't have dining table," I said as I placed my bag on the carpeted floor.

"Yeah. Because I always eat on the kitchen island or on the bar counter. Minsan sa couch na lang din," Carrack said. "Even the kitchen was for display only," he laughed. 

"Sayang naman 'to kung hindi mo naman inuuwian," I said. 

"Madadalas na rin naman ako dito. My new office is here in Cubao." Tumayo si Carrack kaya napatingin ako sa kanya. "Doon na lang tayo sa sala," anyaya n'ya. 

"Huh?" napatanong ako pero iniabot ko na rin ang bag ko at tumayo na. 

Carrack grinned at me. "Delikado tayo dito sa kwarto. Having the view of my baby on my bed is giving me ideas."

I gasped at his implications. Mas lalo pang nakadagdag ang napansin ko na pamumula ng balat ni Carrack sa pisngi at leeg. Maging ang mga tainga n'ya ay namumula. 

We exchange serious stares. And from being serious, kapwa namigat ang mga talukap namin. And the next thing we knew, our lips were already fused. 

Carrack placed his hands on my waist. He slightly gripped on it to pull me closer to him. My fingers raked through his hair then fisted on it. His gentle kisses slowly turned seeking and aggressive. When his tongue swiped on my lips, I can't help but gasp. He took that opportunity to plunge his tongue on my mouth. 

"We should stop," Carrack murmured on my lips but his mouth continued moving. 

As he swirled his tongue on mine, my mind spun. Unwanted images flashed on my mind. 

But I want to hold on to what's happening right now. I want to stay with Carrack. I want my presence to be with the man I love. I don't want my demons to pull me from him. 

I desperately pulled on Carrack. Yumakap ako sa batok n'ya at ako na ang sumubok na magpalalim ng halik. 

By the time Carrack held my shoulders and pulled from our kisses, I am already crying. My body shook uncontrollably. 

Carrack took a deep breath then he pulled me for a hug. He kissed me on the crown of my head. 

"I'm sorry, baby," he murmured. "I should have controlled myself better." 

I shook my head then held on him desperately. "Carrack... I don't want this anymore... I want to forget."

I just want to forget. Because I know that I can never forgive as long as I remember. 

No matter how hard I try to keep my nightmares on the deepest part of my mind, they're finding their way to resurface. No matter how desperately I want to fix myself they're pulling me back on my anxieties and fears. 

I don't want myself freaking out every time Carrack kiss me deeply. I don't want his kisses and touches to be tainted with my tormenting past. 

"I want to forget, Carrack," I said, almost pleading. "I can never be fine as long as what happened on my past is on my mind. My doctors said that I can never move on as long as I refuse to forgive," I cried. My hands clenched on  his shirt. "And I can never forgive him. Hindi ko kayang patawarin ang nagawa n'ya. Hinding-hindi ko kaya." 

Carrack hushed me. 

My body shook. "I want to fix myself to love you better. I want to love you the way you deserve to be loved, Carrack... but I am not strong enough to forgive," I cried. "I can never forgive him."

"Hannah..." I can hear his worries on his voice. 

"Baka kung makakalimot ako, makapagpatawad ako. But with what happened still swirling on my mind... I can never forgive him. No amount of resolve and love can ever make me forgive what he did."

Carrack did his best to calm me down. I cried until I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was already on his bed. Nagisnan ko na titig na titig si Carrack sa mukha ko habang hawak ng dalawang kamay n'ya ang isang kamay ko. 

"Hey," he weakly smiled at me. 

He helped me up then sat beside me in the bed. He brushed his fingers through the strands of my hair. 

I bowed my head. "I'm sorry..."

Carrack placed his hand at the back of my head then he pressed his lips on my forehead. Matapos ang masuyong halik ay pinagdikit n'ya ang mga noo namin. "Hannah, do you badly want to forget."

I bit my lip. I gave out a pained smile. "I want to... I want to completely forget about it, Carrack. Kasi dito sa pamumuhi ko, ako lang din naman ang nahihirapan. Pero kahit anong pilit ko, hindi ko kayang magpatawad."

Carrack gave me a smile of assurance. "I understand."

"Thank you," a tear fell from my eyes. 

Do I deserve this man? Does someone as spiteful as me deserve this man? 

"I know people who can help you to completely erase a part of your mind," he said. Lumayo s'ya sa akin at umupo nang tuwid. He held my hand then brought it to his lips. "We can meet Gaius tonight if you want."

Bumangon ang pag-asa sa akin. "Is it really possible?"

Carrack nodded. "Gaius mentioned it once. He said that his family knew a method to bring anyone into a deep sleep and to extract every vital information they need while speaking with the subconscious mind. As he said, talking to someone on his subconscious state is like injecting him with a truth serum," he explained. "But it has its risks. Because plunging deep on your subconscious mind is like putting you in a state of coma. And when your brain signals got tangled, you may never wake up."

"There's something like that?" Hindi makapaniwala na tanong ko. 

Carrack pressed his lips into a thin line. "The Mondragons are known for their skills in combat, information gathering, security system, and all others related into fighting and survival. They developed the most advanced technologies and no one can beat their advancements in research. And in one of those research, they discovered this study on human mind. It works like hypnosis. Under that state, no one can lie or bend the truth. It's like exposing your entirety. Your thoughts, your emotions, your experiences, your past... everything within you."

"You know so much about this..." I murmured. 

He nodded. "While you're sleeping, I called Gaius. And he's willing to help us. He wants to know the truth behind your claim against Skipper Clint Vergara."

The mention of his name was enough to shake me up. With tears brimming my eyes, I squared my shoulders then looked straight at Carrack. 

"Let's do this." I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I want to let it all go." 

Carrack stared at me for a moment like he's measuring my resolve.

"Alright," he breathed. "I believe in you, Hannah." 

"Thank you," I said, almost in a whisper. 

He nodded. "Just promise to come back to me, alright?"

I lifted my hand to his face. "I know that I am taking a shortcut here... but I am tired of living with this hatred. Yet, I can never let this go as long as I have that painful memory in my mind."

Carrack took a deep breath then pulled me for a hug. He still got his arms around me when he called Gaius to invite him over. 

Matapos ang tawag ay niyaya n'ya ako sa kusina para kumain. Madilim na sa labas at nang i-check ko ang oras ay alas sais na ng gabi. 

"You know, at the back of my mind, I am wishing that I just made up the story," I admitted while we're waiting at the living room. Magkatabi kami at nakasandal ang katawan ko sa kanya. "Sana gawa-gawa na lang ng isip ko ang lahat. Sana hindi totoo."

"Hmm..."

A bitter smile formed my lips. "Because you're to good for someone ruined like me. I feel like I don't deserve you."

"You're more than enough, baby."

I shook my head. "I was tainted, Carrack. I wasn't pure."

"Hey," Carrack made me face him. "To me, you are," he smiled. "You're the perfect woman who will fit me." 

I am still searching for words when the doorbell rang. Carrack excused himself to answer the door. When he walked back, he got Caspian and Gaius with him. 

"Ready?" Unlike the playful man I met, Gaius is dead serious right now. 

Carrack held my hand after I raised from my seat. I smiled briefly at him before I turned to Gaius Mondragon. I nodded at him. "Please."

Carrack lead us to his room. When I was lying on the bed, he started to walk away.

"You're not staying?" Caspian asked. 

Carrack shook his head. "I made a promise," he simply said before resuming his exit from the room. He gently shut the door after he stepped out. 

"Let's begin," Gaius said. "Hannah, we'll have it recorded. Just in case."

"Why?" 

"In case you wish for it someday," Caspian said. "Rest assured that we'll keep it confidential and no soul will know of it unless you wish." 

And I know that I can't do anything aside from putting my trust on them. Carrack trusts them. And I trust Carrack. And most of all, I want to end my miseries. This may be a coward's approach, but I already wasted years of my life trying to climb my way up. I've been drowning for so long. I just want to learn how to swim away from it. 

Now that I have Carrack with me, I just want to really get over it. I want to forget. 

"I am Gaius Mondragon," Gaius said. "You have to remember my voice. Concentrate on my voice. Etch my voice in your system because this will be your guide."

I nervously took a deep breath. I nodded. 

"What's a certain food that you can never forget the taste of?" he asked. 

"Sugar?" Nagtataka man ay sumagot pa rin ako. 

Gaius nodded then he spoke. "Close you eyes." 

I do as I was told.

"Calm your mind and empty your head."

I tried to relax my body but I can't shake the anxiety and fear. 

A song played on my ears. 

"Focus on the melody. Concentrate with your ears."

"Can you feel anything on your toes?"

"No." I replied.

The melody like a lullaby continued. 

"Can you feel something on your knee?"

"No." Because I was too enticed with the melody. All my attention was on it. 

"Can you feel something on your hand?"

"No."

"Can you feel something on your shoulder?"

"No."

"Can you feel something on your forehead?"

"No."

I was focused on listening. I only noticed that the beat changes when Gaius spoke again. 

"Hannah," Gaius's voice called. 

"Yes?"

"What's my name?"

"Gaius."

"Can you picture me on your mind?"

I understand what he's saying but I can't take my attention from the melody. 

"No."

The beat and rhythm of the melody changed again. And I wouldn't notice it if not for Gaius.  

"Hannah," Gaius's voice called once again.

"Yes?"

"What's my name?"

"Gaius."

"Can you describe how a sugar taste?"

Again. I can't comprehend. My mind is slipping with the sounds. 

"Hannah," Gaius's voice called once again.

"Yes?"

"What's my name?"

"Gaius."

"Okay. Now, fall into a deep sleep." 

As the music fades, I fell into an endless shadow. 

"Hannah," that voice called out.

"Gaius," I replied. 

"Who is Skipper Clint Vergara?"

At the mention of his name, images swirled around me. And as the shadows engulfed me, I fell back on that day. 

The day I met Skipper Clint Vergara...