Lightless Sunshine

Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Kung dati, pakiramdam ko basag na basag na ako, ngayon ay iba na. I wasn't just broken anymore, I felt bleeding and... dead. I couldn't feel my own body. I couldn't feel my own heartbeat. I couldn't feel any pain but numbness. Posible palang may mas masakit pa sa nararamdaman ko ngayon. Walang sakit... pero nakakamatay. I don't know what was this kind of feeling. Namamanhid ang buong katawan ko dahil sa sakit at nakaka-frustrate dahil hindi ko alam kung papaano ito patitigilin.

Nagbuntong hininga ako at napatulala sa kawalan. Ni-hindi ko alam kung nasaan ako ngayon. Wala akong pakialam. Wala ako sa aking sarili. Para na akong mababaliw sa mga halo-halong problema. Ni ang pagluha nga ay ayaw ng magparamdam sa'kin. Ayaw na nitong tumulo.

I'm tired... exhausted.

Ginalaw ko ang swing na inuupuan at humawak sa rehas nito. Tumutunog ang bakal sa tuwing gumagalaw ako. Sobrang tahimik ng buong lugar at ang tangi lang maririnig ay ang kaluskos ng mga tuyong dahon sa lupa at ang hanging tila ay may ibinubulong.

Sobrang payapa ng lugar.

I used to admire the silence and being alone...but it creeps me out this time. I wished someone is here for me. I wished someone will come here to lessen this pain. I wished someone is here to comfort me... even just once. Even just in a minute... even just for a seconds...

"Ate..."

I smiled weakly when I heard Seth's voice. I know I am just hearing it in my head. Imposibleng nandito siya ngayon. Ayaw niya akong makasama. Ayaw niya rin sa akin. He decline my offer to live with me. To stay with me. So, bakit siya nandito ngayon? That's impossible. Ayaw niya rin sa akin.

"Seth..." I uttered as I looked at him.

He was wearing on his usual white hoodie and gray pants. Ang kaniyang noo ay natatabunan ng kaniyang mahaba at itim na buhok. His round glass around his cold eyes was giving him an intimidating look. He's tall. 5'8 I guess. He's only 15 yet he look more older than that.

"I heard what happened earlier." Umupo siya sa katabing swing ko.

"Hmm..." umiwas ako ng tingin at napangisi. Itinukod ko ang mga palad sa magkabilang gilid.

He cleared his throat. "I just want to ask if you were okay,"

Mapakla akong ngumiti at nilingon siya. "That I killed Mr.Ople?" I boldly said. "I'm okay, Seth. Don't bother yourself, I am fine."

His jaw clenched. "Hindi ikaw ang may gawa 'nun."

I smirked. "Hindi si mama ang may kasalanan, Seth. It was me. I did killed that bastard. Have you seen the viral photos on internet? I was on top of a man, holding the knife that was stabbed in his chest. Our mom was bathed on her own blood beside him. And I... I was just there, staring at them. Tell me I ain't a monster, tell me I did not do it. Fool men would only believe me. No one's gonna believe me..." my voice broke.

"Ate..."

"I am the cause of mama's death." I stated and looked away from his gaze. "It was all my fault why you had to experience getting bullied at school. It was my fault why she died. It's my fault why our family ended up tragically. Why papa committed suicide. Guess you knew what I'm pertaining about, right? It is all my fault... It was all my fault, Seth... I am so sorry for ruining our family. I am so sorry for everything..." I wiped my tears and looked above the dark gray sky. "I-If I could just turn back the time, I would... I shouldn't have done what I did before. I wish I wasn't born. I wish I do not exist. All my life I brought nothing but a misery in everybody's lives..."

"No... S-Sunny..."

Kumirot ang aking puso. Ngumiti muli ako nang mapait. "Aren't you wondering why Papa did that to himself, Seth?"

I chuckled humorlessly when I got no response from him. Nilingon ko siya at nginisihan.

I tapped his shoulder before I stood up. Nagsimula na akong maglakad papalayo.

"Where are you going?" I heard him asked.

"Uuwi na ako... baka hinahanap na ako sa bahay," I lied.

I had to lie. No one was probably looking for me. Kung mamamatay man ako ngayon ay walang maghahanap sa akin. Wala dadalo sa libing ko.

"Take care, ate..." I head him said. "I love you... always."

Napahinto ako sa paglalakad.

That was the first time I got to hear that since I can't remember.

I smiled weakly. "Mahal din kita, Seth... salamat."

___

Someone posted that disturbing of mine with two lifeless bodies on the internet. And it became the talk of the town in a snap. I don't know who did it... or maybe I do. I just don't know how would I react if my guessing were right. I'm scared and a coward. The thought who done those thing breaks me. It scared the s**t out of me.

Blangko kong tiningnan ang larawan na naka-post sa f*******:. I'm alone inside my room, hugging my curled knees while tears poured down on my cheeks. I did not attended classes for weeks now. Takot, kahihiyaan at sakit ay naghahalo-halo sa aking nararamdaman.

Some people did not believe the viral photos but some people gone mad after seeing it. Instead of learning what was the story behind the pictures, they already judge and commented ill words of it. The one who posted the picture was just an anonymous f*******: user. Halatang kakagawa lang dahil wala itong mga friends at isa lamang ang laman ng timeline nito, which is the photos. Iba't-ibang angle ang kinunan sa screenshot mula sa cctv camera. But none of these photos showed how the much tried to do something horrible towards me.

Hariya Yna: Mukhang hindi naman ito totoo. Let's stop spreading fake new, guys. It's so toxic u know.

Ylmer Deguzman: I know who posted it. hehe izzapranks.

Waze Neri: ??????

Glaiza Wond: I guess this photo is true. I showed it to my mom. She's a police officer here on Manila. And this case were already closed before. Dunno why they had to re-open this again.

Pauline Rosario: A crime is a crime. The ignorance of the law excuses no one. ?

Angel Suarez: Well, I guess you're right.

Rezima Martina: It's justa child for god's sake people. how can y'all believe to that kind of photo? bobo rin kayo eh. wers the breyn pips?

Sabrina Joseph: That photo was taken almost a decade now lmao.

Fionna Rintua: I don't know what to comment. Oki bye. ang kyut ko lang. sige. hehe.

Gin Schafer: Please do tell me walang galit ang nagpost nito. This is so disturbing. Lots of underage were using f*******:. This app is an influencer. Please do stop and delete this. Or else the government will take this down. DSWD must've had a goosebumps as they seen this. Good thing there was no video uploaded like wtf.

Ashley Cole: Let's stop spreading bad vibes people. Please respect the victims.

Kelly Brook: The little girl on that photo is my friend. Hindi iyan totoo. Stop this nonsense, people.

Nanginginig ang aking kamay na in-off ko ang cellphone at itinapon ito sa kama. There were a lot of comments on the photo uploaded on f*******:. 'Yung iba, nag aaway kung totoo ba ito o hindi at ang iba naman ay nagc-comment lang upang magpapapansin.

Matapos nang insidenteng nangyari sa school ay hindi na ako pumasok. I locked myself inside my room. Takot akong lumabas. Anong mangyayari sa akin kapag lumabas ako? Are they going to judge me, too?

The poster on the bulletin board...

It was the number one topic now. Hindi lamang sa buong school kun'di pati na rin sa social media. And as expected, my dad was furious about the news. Dahil daw umano madadamay ang negosyo niya. Dahil daw umano madudungisan ang pangalan niya at ng buong pamilya. 'Yun lamang ang tangi niyang iniisip.

Paano naman ako, dad?

Everyday, I became more stressed. I felt so exhausted. Wala na akong matinong kain at tulog. On the other hand, my friends bombarded me with flood messages everyday.

Wala akong nireplyan ni isa sa kanila.

I waited for one person only.

Kahit siya lang. Kahit isang message niya lang, sapat na sa akin. Pero wala...

Wala na siyang pakialam sa akin. Sa amin...

Tatlong sunod sunod na katok ang pumukaw sa naglalakbay kong diwa. Bumukas ang pintuan at may pumasok sa loob. I didn't bother to look who was it.

"Ilagay niyo nalang po sa lamesa ang pagkain, Manang. Salamat po." walang emosyon kong sabi at pinahiran ang luhang kumalawa.

I heard her scoffed. "It's me, bitch."

Blankong akong napalingon dito. Quinn was here. She was holding a tray on her hand with a food on it and a water. Padabog niya itong inilagay sa bedside table bago nameywang na humarap sa akin.

"Don't you assume. Inutusan lang ako." she defensively rolled her eyes.

Wala naman akong sinabi, ah?

Umiwas ako ng tingin at tumango. What was she feeling right now? Masaya kaya siya sa nangyayari sa akin ngayon? Masaya kaya siya sa mga balitang lumalabas sa akin? I bet she was more than pleased to hear and see those all. To watch me getting berserk and devastated. Sa laki ng galit niya sa akin, paniguradong tuwang-tuwa siya ngayon.

"I'm not happy if that's what you were thinking." sabi niya na para bang naririnig niya ang aking iniiisip.

I met her eyes. It was softening.

Naging maiilap kaagad ang kaniyang mga mata at umismid siya sa akin.

"I m-mean, who would've be happy, right? Nasisira ang pangalan ng pamilya dahil sa'yo." dagdag niya. "Duh. Makaalis na nga. Kumain ka na diyan. Pa-importante ka rin, eh. 'Di bagay sa'yo."

Dali dali siyang lumabas ng kwarto ko.

I sighed.

I guess hinding-hindi na talaga maaayos ang relasyon namin bilang magkapatid. She loathes me that much. She thought I betrayed her, which was partly true because I didn't told her we were related to each other. It was my fault why our status as a sisters were not okay.

Betrayal. Small matter or not, it is still a betrayal. You wouldn't know the person's feeling until you experience it yourself. And maybe, I was too harsh on her because instead of listening her pain, I justified my own reasonings, which caused her to be more furious. And she...she was too clouded by the fact that I betrayed her that she forgot how to listen, too. I realized I haven't had said my apologize yet. I guess I'll tell her soon. I felt so sorry. It's my fault again...

Makalipas ang ilang minuto matapos lumabas ni Quinn sa kwarto ko ay sunod namang pumasok si Helios.

He slammed the door open.

His eyes was burning in anger. Jaw clenching. Brow knitted. Balled fists. Heavy footsteps.

Napatayo ako mula sa kama. Bumayo sa kaba ang aking dibdib.

"D-Dad..." I muttered, scared and nervous.

"What in the earth have you done?!" He shouted. "What the f**k did you do?! What have you done to the Nacino's?!"

My lips parted. "P-Po?"

His heavy breathing was enough to make my body shook. Kulang nalang ay may usok na lalabas sa kaniyang ilong dahil sa labis na galit. Namumula ang kaniyang mukha.

"You backed out, didn't you?" mariin niyang tanong at hinawakan ako sa braso nang mariin.

I flinched in pain.

Nangilid ang aking mga luha. "I-I... don't know what's the matter, dad,"

He gritted his teeth and tightened his grip on my arm. "They called me a while ago! They showed me a photo of you going out with a man inside a condominium!"

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at ramdamn ko ang pamumutla ng aking buong mukha. Nanlalamig ang tiyan ko sa kaba at takot.

"T-that was p-probably a misunderstanding, dad. Hindi 'yun totoo." I shook my head and bit my bottom lip.

Mas humigpit ang hawak niya sa braso ko. "Liar."

Napaiyak ako sa takot nang bigla niya akong itinulak sa kama at nagsimulang magkalas ng sinturon. I know where would it leads. Sasaktan na naman niya ako. Sasaktan na naman niya ako... Katulad nila ay sasaktan niya na naman ako...

"D-Dad, hindi ko po alam ang sinasabi niyo. Condominium? A-ano naman ang gagawin ko 'doon?" I lamely denied.

"Don't lie to me, Sunshine! You're no good actress at all!" He yelled at me and fisted my hair.

Napasigaw ako sa sakit.

Padarag niya akong binitawan at sinunod akong pinatamaan ng dulo ng kaniyang sinturon kung saan naroon ang bakal.

"Ah!" I screamed when he hit me with his belt.

"Think! Think, Sunshine! I did this for you! Marry that guy and you will have a good life! But what have you done?! Sinira mo ang plano ko! I wasn't the only one who would gain from this thing! Pati ikaw! You can have the good life once you marry that guy!" Sigaw niya habang patuloy sa paghampas sa akin.

"Dad! Tigil na p-po! Ah!" I screamed and cried every time the belt would land on my skin.

Napapaigik ako sa sakit at hapdi sa bawat pagtama nito sa aking balat.

"You are stupid! Kagaya ka lang din ng walang kwenta mong ina! You two are stupid!"

"Dad! T-tama na... tama na!" Napahikbi ako at niyakap ang sarili. He kept on hitting me with his belt. Sa bawat paghampas niya sa akin ay tila kasabay niyon ang milyon-milyong punyal na tumatama sa aking dibdib. Masakit, napakahapdi, at nakakamatay.

"D-Dad! P-Please! S-stop it... I'm sorry! I-I'm sorry. Please, tama na po. B-buntis po ako. Please, t-tama na... I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry... Hindi ko na po uulitin. P-Papayag na ako sa lahat ng gusto niyo... please, stop. Dad, I'm pregnant... please, stop hurting us..."

Helios suddenly stopped.

Napaupo ako sa kama at napatras. I hugged my body and buried my face on my knees as I sobbed bersekly.

"P-please... stop... My b-baby... don't hurt my baby, please... I-I beg you... please, don't hurt us..." humagolhol ako. "Buntis ako, dad. Please, w-wag niyo k-kaming saktan, maawa ka... stop, please..."

It was as if the time stood still between us. My violent sob dominated the four corners of my room as I hugged my body, protecting my child. No, they can hurt me but not my child. Not my baby..

"What..." I heard him uttered, bewildered.

Mas lalong kong isiniksik ang mukha sa aking tubod at umatras ng ilang beses sa kama hanggang sa lumapat ang aking likuran sa headboard.

"I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, God! I'm sorry, dad. I'm s-sorry... sorry," humihikbing sabi ko.

Narinig kong lumagatok ang kaniyang mga buto.

My whole body trembled.

"Who got you pregnant?" he firmly asked. Umiling ako. Wala akong maisasagot sa kaniya. Icarus doesn't want this child. "Answer me!" he shouted.

I winced.

"H-Hindi ko alam... hindi ko alam..." umiling ako ng ilang beses.

Hinakwit niya ang braso ko at galit akong tiningnan sa mga mata. His brown eyes seems murderous. It was sharp and threatening.

"TELL ME THE f**k WHO GOT YOU PREGNANT AND I'LL KILL HIM! TELL ME!" he shouted.

Ngayon ko lang siya nakitang ganito kagalit. His body was trembling in anger as his face reddened. Nagtatagis ang kaniyang bagang at nagngingitngit ang kaniyang mga ngipin.

"H-hindi... H-hindi ko alam!" Hikbi ko rito.

"WHO GOT YOU PREGNANT?!" Marahas niyang hinakwit ang braso ko at sapilitan akong pinatayo mula sa kama. Mahigpit at masakit ang pagkakasakal niya sa braso ko.

His threatening tone sent chills on my spine. Mas lalo akong natakot. I remember the first time Papa John flew off his hand on my face to slap me. The fear, the pain, and the effect it caused me...

Umiling ako at yumuko. My whole body feels so drained. "N-No..."

"DAMN IT! DON'T MAKE ME LOSE MY TEMPER, SUNSHINE. DON'T MAKE ME DO THE THINGS YOU DON'T WANNA IMAGINE. TELL ME! WHO GOT YOU PREGNANT, HUH?!"

Patuloy ako sa pag-iling kasabay ng pag-agos ng tila'y gripo kong mga luha. I just wanna die at this moment. Para gusto ko nalang maglaho at mamatay. Ayoko na... I'm done with this. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of everything... Pagod na pagod na ako... pagod na ako sa lahat.

"DAD! STOP IT! YOU'RE HURTING HER!" said by Travis who suddenly came into the view.

"Enough, dad! Enough!" Nagulat ako nang biglang itunulak ni Travis si Helios papalayo sa akin at kinabig ako sa upang yakapin. Sumobsob ako sa kaniyang dibdib at doon umiyak nang umiyak.

"TRAVIS!" Dad growled. "Umalis ka rito sa kwarto ngayon din! Hindi kita pinapasok dito!"

"No, I won't, dad. This is too much. Why do you keep on hurting her? Put all the blames on her? Siding the other side instead of her? Kita mo na ngang nahihirapan na 'yung bata ngayon, sinasaktan mo pa! Nakita mo na ngang may kinakaharap siya ngayong problema, dinadagdagan mo pa! Why can't you just leave her alone?! At talagang pinipilit mo pa talagag magpakasal sa Nacino na iyan!" he hissed. "Kung hindi mo siya tanggap bilang anak mo, kahit man lang bilang tao, tratuhin mo rin ng mabuti! Kapatid ko pa rin siya, dad! Kapatid namin! Why are you so unfair, huh? She is still your daughter..."

"Get out of here. NOW!" Helios said through gritted teeth.

"No. I won't, dad. Sasaktan mo lang ulit siya." He shook his head and tightened his hug on me. He caressed my head while he took a step back.

"That's not your business anymore! Wala kang pakialam sa kahit anong gawin ko sa kaniya! I can do everything on her!"

"She's your daughter for God's sake, dad!" he frustratedly shouted at our father. "Accept it or not, kadugo mo pa rin siya. Sa'yo nanggaling ang dugo na meron siya! Anak, dad! Katulad namin, anak mo rin siya! Treat her like how you treat us!"

Hindi makapaniwalang natawa si Helios. "Now the tables were turned, huh? Travis, get out. You don't wanna test my patience, do you?"

"The tables would never turn upside and down. Yes, I don't like the idea of her living in with us, pero hindi ibig sabihin no'n ay ayaw ko na siyang huminga. I do still want her to live, dad. And this... this is my way of protecting her. Please..." Travis sighed. "Please, dad, I beg you. Stop..." he said, exhausted. "Try to imagine Quinn being beaten up, would you like to see it? Would you like to see her and Isha getting beaten up to death? No. You don't want, right? Dahil kung ako ang tatanungin, dad? Mas mabuti ako nalang ang masaktan kaysa ang mga kapatid kong babae. Ayaw ko rin. I don't wanna see one of my sisters getting physically abused. I couldn't stand to watch it and hear their pleas just to get heard by people and to seek help but no hand could lend them..." his voice broke.

"You are out of your mind, Travis."

"No. Hindi, dad. Sunshine had enough pain. Stop doing this. She got enough." he sighed again. "Her mother died and she witnessed it. She got almost raped. She lived with her step dad, and guess what I found out? She was abused there. Tapos ito naman ngayon, dad? Hindi ka ba naaawa sa kaniya, ha? Have you notice her state right now? Pinag-uusapan siya ng lahat! Hinuhusgahan. She can't even go back to school because of that f*****g photo spreading on the internet. It might be a small matter for you and to everyone... but what about her, dad? Can't you see she's traumatized?! Can't you f*****g see the scars on her wrist?! The f*****g fresh wounds on her body?! And now, what? The bruises you just made to her..."

Humagolhol ako sa dibdib ni Travis.

"You're not our dad anymore. You are now a monster. You're too cruel, dad. You really are." He disappointingly shook his head towards our dad. "If you can't stand seeing her here that always reminds you of the f*****g mistake you made, then fine. I'll take her away from this house. I'll take her away from you."