Hiraeth

Chapter 2: Weird

"Tita Martha..."

A sophisticated woman in white turned her head and darted her eyes to me. Bahagyang umuwang ang labi niya sa pagkabigla.

"Blaire?"

She scanned my body from head to toe before her eyes bore into mine.

I smiled and closed the door.

She stood up and walked towards me. "No one told me you're back! Walang nabanggit si Leira."

I welcomed her warm embrace and placed my cheeks near hers for a beso.

"I told her to keep mum."

"Sinundo ka ni Zuriel?" tanong niya nang pakawalan niya ako. I can't help but notice her swollen eyes, halatang pagod at kulang sa tulog.

"He's kind of busy. Si Chelzie po sumundo sa 'kin, kaibigan ko."

Tumango siya. "I know her, madalas silang bumisita rito ng Kuya mo."

Kuya was Levi's friend, too. Sila muna bago ako. I shouldn't be suprised to hear about them visiting him but then, considering their tight schedules, I still couldn't help but be surprised. Kuya seemed so serious when he swore to look after Levi for me. He's hell-bent kasi na 'wag akong pauwiin. Sorry siya kasi hindi talaga ako mapapanatag sa gusto niyang mangyari. I can't just stay that far while knowing that my fiancee's dying.

"Have you taken a rest, tita? You look exhausted. Why don't you go home muna?"

Mabigat ang hangin na pinakawalan niya bago ako tinalikuran. She went back to the seat where she was before I came.

"Hindi ko kayang iwan si Levi rito, Blaire. Kahit magsanib-pwersa pa kayong lahat para pauwiin ako, ayoko." She caressed his hair. "Gusto kong nandito ako kapag nagising siya. I should be the one to first notice his improvements. Hindi naman ako makakapagpahinga kung alam kong nag-aagaw buhay rito ang anak ko. Pa'no kung habang natutulog ako..." she trailed.

Umiling ako at kumuha ng monoblock chair. Nilagay ko 'yon sa kabilang gilid ng kama, kaharap ni tita.

"I understand the anxiety, Tita. Pero hindi naman po mangyayari 'yun. Malakas po si Levi. Saka kilala niyo naman po 'yang anak niyo. He's a man of his words. Kapag sinabi niyang pakakasalan niya ako, gagawin niya talaga. Hindi p'wede 'yang iniisip niyo."

Wala siyang sinabi. She's just looking at her unconscious son I couldn't even lay an eye at. I want to ask her what exactly happened at Barnes but I think she wasn't yet ready to recall it. Maybe I'll just ask one of his friends though I did not have a single clue who were they. According to Chelzie, he's been hanging out with unknown creature since she didn't know when. From family of politicians daw siguro. Hindi rin kasi kami gaanong nakakapag-usap ni Levi dahil sunod-sunod ang mga models na nirerecruit nitong nakaraan.

I breathed and finally looked at him. "Fine. I'll be with you, tita. Tutal ay pareho tayong ayaw magpapigil."

She smiled.

In between us was Levi. Parang pinupunit ang puso ko habang nakatingin sa windpipe at rubber tube na nakakabit sa katawan niya. It was the first time I saw him that weak. Hindi ako sanay na ganito siya.

Before I went home, I already had my mind settled. It took so much courage to fly back to the Philippines knowing what's waiting for me at home. Iba pa rin pala talaga kapag nakita mo na mismo ang kondisyon niya. Napakaraming machines ang nakakonekta sa katawan niya. The thought that his life was only depending on these machines provoked pain in my chest. It was, indeed, so much for a heartbreak.

"He's been waiting for you, Blaire, for so long..." I looked up and darted my eyes to tita Martha. "Good thing you're finally back. I'm confident. He'll wake up any time soon. As much as I want us to be the reason for him to live, alam kong ikaw 'yun Blaire. I can see how much my son loves you. And thank you. Thank you for being here."

I smiled and reached for Levi's hand. Kahit ilang taon na ang huling beses ko siyang hinawakan, alam kong may nagbago. He's so thin... and frail.

"I love your son so much, tita Martha. You have no idea how much I want to take all his pain away. Kung pwede nga lang na ako na lang diyan, bakit hindi? He's already done so much for me. Kaya nga kahit alam kong magagalit si Dad, sumugod pa rin ako rito. I already feel useless for the past months-"

"No, no. Of course not. You're far from that, Blaire. Don't say that." She shook her head.

I smiled. "That's how I felt, Tita. Noong pabalik balik siya sa ospital and I wasn't here, I really felt bad. I can't even call dahil sobrang busy."

"Ano ka ba? Your presence here today is already too much. I know you're such a busy person since you've got a lot of task in hand, tama? But you managed to leave those for Levi. Iyon naman ang mahalaga e. Oras, anak. Oras mo lang ang kailangan ni Levi."

Her words were very soothing to my ears. Hearing those from the first love of the man you loved wAs comforting. I hoped I could return the favor. I want to make her feel that she wasn't alone. Kasama niya kami sa pagdarasal na maging mabuti ang lagay ni Levi.

'Kung sino man pong dadalawin niyo, ipagdarasal ko po ang mabilis niyang paggaling.'

I c****d my head when a random voice echoed.

"I know you're in pain too, hija. If enduring the pain is not what you called sharing the same burden with my son, then I don't know what it is."

I could only manage to smile. Bakit ba kasi bigla na lang nagppop-up ang boses no'n out of the blue?

It was fifteen after twelve in the afternoon when I decided to go out. Medyo nakakaramdam na rin kasi ako ng gutom dahil 'di naman ako nakakain nang maayos kanina. Good thing that Ate Faye arrived para samahan muna si Tita Martha. Ako ang natatakot para sa kaniya. She literally stays awake whole night para bantayan si Levi. Hindi talaga pwedeng walang ibang bibisita dahil baka si Tita naman ang sunod na ma-confine.

Most tables were already occupied as I reached the hospital's canteen. Mahaba rin ang pila kaya malamang, bago pa ako makabili ng pagkain ay mahihilo na ako sa gutom.

Instead of joining the sea of hungry people, I opted to go out and look for a nearby restaurant. I saw a Chinese cuisine restau and the hungry lion automatically growled inside my stomach. Thankfully, kaunti lamang ang tao. Most of them are obviously Chinese or if not, whether groups of businessman or elite families.

"Xie xie." A chinito guy in his red uniform bowed after placing my Chow Mein on the table.

In the middle of my lunch, a man in tuxedo greeted me. Pinagmasdan ko siya. May kulay puti siyang bigote, walang kulubot sa mukha, may suot na salamin, at kulay brown ang mga mata. Matangkad, naglalaro sa pagitan ng fair at tan ang complexion. Hindi naman mukhang Intsik. Siguro nasa mid 40's.

"Oh! Leira's daughter!" Nilapag niya ang briefcase sa ilalim ng mesa, sitting across me. "No one mentioned your arrival. Why so sudden? Kasabay mo ba ang Daddy mo?"

Kilala niya ang Daddy ko? At si Mommy? At ako? He must be related to family's business kung ganoon. Sabagay, he looked suave- mga papasa bilang kaibigan ni Daddy.

"Oh!" He laughed, probably realizing how confused I was sa presence niya. "My bad. I forgot to introduce you my name. I'm Luigi Morris, by the way." He extended his arm.

My brows formed pleats in between.

"Morris?"

It did ring a bell. I was thinking twice of conversing with him when he suddenly laughed. His eyes crinkled as he placed his hand down.

"I know what you're thinking, hija. I'm harmless! What's between our families is all in the past. We don't want a rerun of it, right? Kaibigan ko na ang parents mo. Besides, I'm now in winery."

Tumango ako, still not getting a point. "That's good to hear." I went back to my food.

"By the way, are you here for a meeting?"

"Nope. I'm here for lunch."

"With someone?"

"Alone." Obviously?

He nodded. "I see. I've heard about your fiancee. Hope he's fine. We don't want him to be like Gabby."

"He won't. Levi's strong. Malabong mangyari 'yon."

"Strong..." he echoed with a grin.

"Why?"

He shook his head, wearing that annoying smug. "Wala naman. I hope you're strong enough too, hija. Minsan kasi, hindi sakit ang pumapatay sa tao. Madalas, mga taong nasa paligid niya. Mga taong hindi mapagkakatiwalaan." My forehead creased when he leaned closer. "Mga ahas."

"What do you mean?"

Humalakhak siya at lumayo. "Nothing. I just want you to be careful and get yourself prepared. Hindi mo naitatanong. Ang pinakamatamis na halik ay ang kay Hudas," aniya at tumayo, picking up his briefcase. "Pa'no... Alis na ko? I hope I can hang out with your father soon. By the way, Telesforo is my friend. Magaling daw ang Kuya mo. It runs through the blood, huh?"

"Thanks."

He laughed. "I'll go. It's nice meeting you, Hija. Please send my regards to your parents."

He went out of the restaurant as soon as he's done bugging me. From the glass wall of the restau, I watched him talked to his valet before the man gave him his car's key. He hurriedly entered the driver's seat of his car and in a swift move, the car vanished from my faculty of sight.

The lost of his car in my sight gave my eyes a fuller access to the hospital's facade across the broad street.

Halos mabilaukan ako nang makita ang pamilyar na lalaking iyon. May malalim na gitla sa noo niya habang tinatanaw ang direksyon ng sasakyan ni Mr. Luigi. He then looked at me with curiosity laced in his eyes. I equalled his stares. Anong ginagawa niya rito?

A while later, may sasakyang huminto sa tapat ng ospital, blocking my sight of him. I racked my head and quickly gulped the cold water. I breathed out and took another glance but the moment I perched my eyes back there, his figure was already gone.

Maybe, just maybe, I was just hallucinating.

It's past 1 in the afternoon when I decided to go back. Fortunately, nag-join forces kami ni Ate Faye para mapauwi si Tita. Mabuti na lang. Mukhang mababaliw na si Ate para lang sa ilang oras na pahinga ng Mommy niya.

"Alam mo, nakakainis ka! Sobrang KJ mo! Hindi naman porque malubha si Levi, kailangan malubha ka na rin!" Chelzie wailed over the phone.

Kanina pa kasi ako nito niyayang magpunta sa Barnes. She's enthusiastically proud to get all the committee's approval for her project proposal. Hindi na nga lang siya proposal ngayon dahil soon, her ideas will be in a concrete. And it called for celebration as what she said. 'Yun nga lang ay hindi talaga ako p'wede. Not now when we finally convinced Tita Martha to go home.

"Ano ka ba. Ano na lang ang sasabihin ni Tita? I promised her na babantayan ko si Levi lalo na ngayon. Nag-effort kami ni Ate Faye para makauwi na siya."

"E di kausapin mo 'yung sister niya! For sure naman papayag ang malditang 'yon. She can't say no! Kapatid niya yan!"

"Chelz..." I groaned and plumped myself on the couch. "Stress na rin 'yon sa Lola niya. Tsaka nakalimutan mo na ba? Kaya nga ko umuwi, 'di ba? Para mabantayan si Levi?"

"S'yempre alam ko 'yon. Pero isang gabi lang naman. Promise! I'll stop bothering you na pagtapos nito. I can ask Zuriel to contact Ruairy. Wala namang girlfriend 'yon ngayon."

"Tapos ngayon aabalahin pa natin 'yung tao? He's busy sa med school."

"Hindi ah! Hindi 'to abala, promise. Pwede namang diyan na lang siya mag-aral sa ospital. He won't mind. Wala naman atang pasok 'yon bukas."

She really seemed dead set on it. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit nakikipagtalo pa ako rito. May mga sarili akong desisyon sa buhay pero pagdating kay Chelzie, tumitiklop ako. She always has her way to something.

"Kasama si Kuya?"

"Siyempre! As if naman papayagan ako no'n mag-isa. Male-late lang daw siya as usual. Baka may date sila ni Maggie." I can almost see her eyes rolling. "So ano? Is that a yes or yes?"

Ngumiwi ako. "Anong choice ko do'n?"

"Obviously, I only accept yes."

I breathed out a puff of air. "I'll just text you. Magpapaalam muna ako kay Ate Faye."

"Ate Faye. Ate Faye na naman! Bakit sa bruhang 'yon ka magpapaalam?"

I laughed amusingly. "Hanggang ngayon ang laki pa rin ng issue mo sa kaniya e no?"

"Ewan ko ba sa babaeng 'yon. Siya ata nawawalang kapatid ni Maggie. Bahala nga sila sa buhay nila. Basta pumunta ka! Kundi kakalimutan ko'ng future maid-of-honor kita!"

"Sinong papalit? Si Ate Faye?"

"Che!" She ended the call.

Pinag-iisipan ko pang mabuti kung dapat ko bang i-text si Ate Faye. If I will decline Chelzie, she will surely come over here para lang kaladkarin ako. Kapag nagmatigas ako, malamang magtatanim na naman ng sama ng loob 'yon. But I already promised to Tita Martha. Kaya nga siya nakauwi ngayon at kampanteng nagpapahinga dahil nangako ako. Si Chelzie talaga. She really loves hanging me on the cliff's edge.

Chelzie:

I texted Faye. You know I can swallow my pride naman for you. See you later!

Hindi pa ako nakakapag-reply nang makareceive kaagad ako ng tawag. My heart pumped when I saw Ate Faye's name.

"Ate, it's okay. I'll make her understand. Dito na lang ako kay Levi," bungad ko.

She chuckled. "It's alright, Blaire. Sumama ka na ro'n. I don't want your friend to fantasize about killing me again."

I pouted. "Pasensya ka na do'n, Ate, ah? She's just really a jealous fiancee. Don't worry. I'll talk to her about it."

"Ano ka ba! No worries. Baka mas sumama pa ang loob no'n sa 'kin. 'Di bale. Just join her for tonight so she won't sulk anymore. Ako na ang bahala kay Levi."

"E pa'no si Tita? I promised."

"Hindi 'yun. Tsaka tinawagan ko na mga friends ni Levi. They can be your swap."

"Nagconfirm na?"

"Hindi pa. Pero kung 'di man, I can go there tonight. Marami pa naman akong time bukas para sa mga pending. I'll leave the office before 8."

Paulit-ulit akong nagpasalamat kay Ate maging sa text. I didn't really know what to do without her. Baon na ako sa mga utang kay Chelzie. I already missed a lot of her milestones. If ever I have time, I will really tell her to make things up with ate Faye. She's nice. Hindi niya lang makita 'yon dahil nagseselos siya. Ate Faye is her fiancee's first love. The biggest thorn in her flesh.

"Uwi ka na, Blaire?" tanong ng isa sa mga kaibigan ni Levi. Mabuti na lang at dumating sila. Ate Faye wouldn't be bothered.

Ngumiti ako. "May gagawin lang."

Naagaw ko ang atensyon ng iba pa nilang kaibigan. Pasimpleng umismid sa akin ang isang babae. Iniwas ko ang mga mata ko sa kanila at muling bumaling kay Naiah na nakangiti sa akin.

"Ingat ka. May dala ka bang sasakyan? May pila ng taxi diyan sa tapat."

Umiling ako. "Hindi na, nagpasundo naman ako," sagot ko at huling beses na sinulyapan si Levi.

"Well, if that's the case then, ingat ka." She smiled.

It's almost 7 nang makarating ako sa bahay. May isang oras pa ako para mag-ayos. Chelzie will pick me up by 8. Dapat naman talaga ay hindi na dahil nakaparada lang naman sa garahe 'yung Aston Martin na bagong wash pa. But she insisted. Mahirap daw makahanap ng parking space 'pag gantong oras.

Inumpisahan ko ang pag-aayos sa mahaba kong buhok. I blew it dry and curled the tip of the strands. I let my hair disheveled, gumagaywang sa mga kilos ko. Sa mukha ko naman, manipis lang ang nilagay kong make-up. Just enough to highlight the contours. I picked the simple yet attractive black tube dress na isang beses ko pa lang naisusuot. This might be the last.

'Don't bother to come in, lady. I'm on my way out,' reply ko kay Chelzie nang magtext siya na nasa baba na raw siya.

I haven't yet seen my brothers since the day I set foot back in Philippines. Pareho silang busy. Si Kuya, may walk-in closet na siguro sa office niya. Si Bailey naman, kung saan-saang bahay nakikitulog. Sleep-over daw para sa research paper. Kalokohan. May sleep-over din kami no'n para sa research pero nagmovie marathon lang kami.

"OMG girl, you're goddamn hot!" Chelzie commented as I went inside the front seat of her car.

She's wearing a navy blue cocktail dress and half of her hair is properly tied. Sa make-up talaga kami palaging nagkakasundo. Pareho naming ayaw ng makapal.

"Hindi ka ba pinagbabawalan ni Levi?"

"Na?"

I reflected my face on the mirror and closed the door. My eyes widened when she suddenly pressed my exposed cleavage. What the heck?

"Chelzie!"

She laughed. "Ayan! Magpakita ng ganiyan." She amusingly put the pedal to the metal.

Sumimangot ako habang inaayos ang tube ng dress ko. "Hindi naman lahat ng lalaki katulad ni Kuya."

"Kahit na! It's a natural man-like gesture, you know? Lahat naman sila overprotective. It's either concern talaga sila or nagpapa-cool lang pero fuckboy naman."

"So anong point mo?"

She shrugged. "Hindi ko rin alam."

I rolled my eyes. I honestly missed nonsense conversation like that. Maliban kasi sa two years na pagkawala ko, naging busy rin kaming dalawa. Back when we were still students, we'd get busy together. True enough, there's a bigger world outside the school. And people tend to grow apart from one another. Kahit pa kasi gaano kayo kalapit no'ng tao, magkaiba pa rin ang end-game niyo. But having different epilogues doesn't mean you have to be apart forever. Hindi lang kami magkasabay na nagmature. Pero kami pa rin ang magkasama sa huli.

We have the whole lifetime to catch up, to tell each other how we've been, and to share our stories of growing up.

"But I really hope Zuriel isn't as tight as he is. Parang Levi lang."

I averted my eyes to her, looking confused. "Bakit naman?"

"You know. I always admire Levi when it comes to handling relationships. Hindi siya strict pero hindi rin super lenient. Tama lang. Hindi nakakasakal."

"While Kuya?"

She took a glimpse of me. "Anong while Kuya?"

"Come on! It isn't the first time you compared him to some other guy."

Nanlaki ang mga mata niya na parang saka niya lang 'yon na-realize.

"Grabe! Hindi naman sa pagcocompare! I love him for being him. 'Di ko lang maiwasan na minsan, kahit minsan lang, alam mo 'yun. Umasa."

"Na?"

"Him, hanging loose. Kasi minsan kahit super pasaway ako, mabigat din naman sa loob ko na suwayin siya. And I can't just obey him forever."

I nodded. "Have you ever talked to him?"

Sandali niya akong binalingan bago muling binalik ang mga mata sa daan. "Bakit ikaw? Have you ever talked to him?"

"S'yempre magkaiba tayo. I'm his sister. 'Pag nakasal na kayo, he will be easy sa 'kin. How about to you? Kuya will tighten the screws more. So might as well address your issues to him before you two tie the knot. Mahirap 'yan."

Saka magkaiba naman kasi kaming dalawa. Chelzie's the lucky one. Kaya lang naman naghihigpit sa 'kin si Kuya ay dahil sa negosyo. He hates me getting into trouble kasi dapat prim and proper kami. Ano na lang daw sasabihin ng mga tao kapag na-involve kami sa gulo? He always care for the name. For the reputation. That's all he's concern about. Pero kapag kay Chelzie? He's obviously in love with her. Madly in love with her. Mahal niya si Chelzie kaya protective siya rito. Damn him. He can even risk the name he's been taking care of for her.

But never in anyone's dream I'd tell that to Kuya. Kung sasabihin ko sa kaniya 'to, he will know about my little jealousy for her fiancee. Hindi naman na dapat nila malaman 'yun. Ako lang naman 'to. Ako lang naman 'yung may problema.

"At some point," pagsasalita niya ulit habang seryosong nagmamaneho. "Ayoko rin naman siyang magbago. Nung college, I like him for being protective sa 'yo. Kay Bailey. Gano'n na talaga siya e. Minahal ko siya sa pagiging protective niya sa inyo. I might compare his personality to other guys, pero yung pagmamahal ko sa kaniya? That's something that I can't compare to anyone." She frowned. "I suddenly hate myself for having the idea of changing him."

I rolled my eyes and settled my elbow to the window while caressing my temple.

"Yun naman pala 'e! Ano pang dinadrama mo diyan kanina?"

"Ito naman! Di ba pwedeng sudden realization lang? Epiphany? Ngayon lang nalinawan?" she reasoned out and stepped on the break. "Oo nga naman. Kahit naman maghigpit siya, wala pa rin siyang magagawa. Nasa 'kin pa rin ang huling halakhak." She laughed and roared the engine to life again.

I sneered. "And who told you that? Believe me, Chelz. Si Kuya pa! Palagi siyang may nagagawa. Example, ripping off your dress and punishing you to bed- Oh my God!" I shrieked when the car ground to a halt. "Oh my God! Chelzie! Can you drive safely?!"

"Oh my God? Ikaw pa may ganang mag Oh my God? Oh my God!"

Now it's my turn to laugh out loud. "Why? Stop acting like a pure swine, will you? As if you never made it on your three years relationship with him."

"Wow! Galing sa pretentious b***h na in a relationship with a notorious f-boy for five years!" ganti niya bago kami makarinig ng ilang busina sa likod ng sasakyan.

Sa buong byahe ay wala kaming ibang pinagtalunan kung sino ang mas maraming experience when it comes to making L. We're not usually vulgar. We don't do kiss and tell. Pero sadyang kilalang kilala lang namin ang isa't isa. We notice weird mornings. 'Yung mga weird na umaga ng isa't isa na mahuhulaan mo agad na may nangyari, isang gabi.

The loud beat of the music, the disgusting smell of cigarette smoke, and the sea of wild people welcomed us as we enter the club. Chelzie's mouth were blabbering but her words came out incoherent to my ears.

"Ayun sila!" the only words I heard.

Hinigpitan niya ang kapit sa palapulsuhan ko at hinila patungo sa malayong table.

"Excuse me, excuse me!" She pushed some drunken people away. Wala naman nang pake ang mga ito dahil mga lasing na. "My, God! So many wild animals!"

I sighed as we finally reached the table. Pansin kong may tatlong babae roon at dalawang lalaki. Yung isa ay nakatingin sa dibdib ko habang humihithit ng sigarilyo. Ang isa naman ay curious akong tinitignan.

"Blaire, these are my friends. Mga kasamahan ko sila sa trabaho. Eunice, Nina, and Erica. While these men over there are their.. Uh.. Friends?" She seemed uncertain when she introduced the two. "Ah, guys! This is Blaire. Friend of mine from high school."

The three ladies courteously stood up and gave me a slight hug and cheeks-to-cheeks.

"I know you! Blaire Altaluna, right? Your family's quite popular."

Ngumiti ako kay Erica at bumaling sa isang lalaki na naglahad ng kamay. Siya 'yong humihithit ng yosi kanina.

"Luke." He smiled.

I wasn't raised to be judgmental but I don't like his get ups. Mukha siyang fuckboy sa makinang niyang stud. I really hate men with piercings and tattoos. Ang dumi kasi tignan. Ngumiti ako nang hatakin siya paupo ng isa pang lalake. Naramdaman niya siguro na hindi ako kumportable. He waved his hand at me which earned him my nod.

"I know you love cocktails. Try this one." Chelzie handed me a cocktail glass.

She tapped the space on her right but when she noticed that Nina, her friend, was already wasted, she moved a little and made me sit on her left. Katabi ko tuloy ngayon ang lalaki na humila kay Luke.

"Thanks."

Bumaling ako kay Eunice. She smiled at me.

"Pasensya kay Nina. Kanina pa kami rito. She's kinda..." She formed a heart-shape with her hands and broke them. She shrugged.

I chuckled. "It's okay," sabi ko at sumulyap kay Chelzie. She asked for a toast. "She looks familiar," sabi ko at nginuso ang katabing si Nina.

She nodded. "You probably met her in some gatherings. 'Di mo lang napansin. She was Khel's girlfriend."

"Was?" I poured the cocktail to my lungs.

"They broke up yesterday."

Tumango ako, not wanting to stick an oar to someone else's affairs.

I told Chelzie I'd just drink moderately tonight since I don't need any hangover the next day. Bibisita pa ako sa ospital, 'e. I thought I made things clear with her but that b***h won't just stop giving me a shot glass. Hindi ko naman kaagad napansin na sumusobra na siya sa pagbigay dahil dinadaldal ako ng katabi ko.

"Our parents are good friends. Na-meet ko na rin ang Kuya mo once. Dad's actually planning to invest to your company, nabanggit kasi sila ng mga pinsan namin."

"Oh, that's nice to hear. What's your name by the way?"

He smirked. "Gray Asuncion. Pinsan namin ang mga Donovan."

Tumango ako. Parang narinig ko na nga ang pangalan na 'yon kay Kuya.

Naging busy si Chelzie sa pakikipag-usap kay Eunice tungkol sa bridal shower ng kung sino. Naging sunod-sunod ang pag-order nina Luke ng alak at hindi papayag si Gray na tanggihan ko ang mga alok niya. Chelzie nodded at me, saying that it's alright. I shrugged and gulped the tequila. Hindi ko na lang siguro bibiglain ang sarili ko.

Minutes passed and girls got bored. Nakapikit na si Nina pero nang tumayo sina Chelzie ay para siyang nabuhayan ulit. I signalled her na susunod na lang ako dahil medyo nanlalabo na rin ang mga mata ko dulot ng kung anu-anong pinapainom sa akin ni Gray. I could taste the mixture of vodka, tequila, and cocktail on my tongue. Maya-maya pa ay tumayo na rin siya. He invited me to the dance floor but I asked for a few minutes more to sober myself. He just laughed. Si Luke naman ay kanina pa kami iniwan. Para mag CR daw, pero hindi na bumalik.

Naiwan akong mag-isa sa table. Sinandal ko ang ulo ko at mariing pumikit. "Shit." I groaned.

Sabi kasi, drink moderately lang, Blaire! What have you done again this time? Wala ka talagang control sa sarili!

Mabilis kong nilagok ang malamig na tubig at pinahinga saglit ang katawan. I can feel my breath growing hot and heavy. Maya-maya pa ay narinig kong nagkakagulo na sa dance floor. Pagdilat ko, natanaw ko si Nina sa bisig ni Khel- my bachelor cousin na tinuturing na blacksheep sa mga Ravelo. Kuya and him were not in speaking terms kaya hindi rin kami close.

"Come on, Blaire! Ikaw na lang mag-isa diyan. Let's dance!"

I let Chelzie grab my wrist and drag me to the dance floor. Noong una ay nakatayo lamang ako roon habang pinapanood ang mga tao sa paligid na itapon ang mga sarili nila. But when Chelzie purposely bumped the side of her butt against mine, I lose. Tumawa ako at ginaya ang mga moves niya.

"Come on! Habang wala si Zuriel!" She convulsed in laughter.

Before I knew it, I was already dancing explosively. The tube dress dripped down my chest, exposing more part of my cleavage. Paulit-ulit kong inayos iyon hanggang sa mairita at pinabayaan na lang.

Dahil sa pagiging malikot ng mga tao ay naitulak ako palayo kay Chelzie. Paglingon ko, kasama na niya si Eunice at para silang tanga. Humalakhak ako hanggang sa naramdaman ko si Gray sa likuran ko. He whispered incoherent words but the hotness of his voice was enough to make some hair in my neck rise.

"You're so hot..."

Uminit ang pisngi ko. I was about to reply when someone grabbed him from me.

"Hot? Hot pala, ah! Gusto mo ng hot? Halika sa impyerno para malaman mo kung anong hot!" Nanggagalaiti sa galit ang babae habang hatak-hatak ang buhok ni Gray. He labeled his arms to his shoulders, tanda ng pagsuko.

I wagged my head. Usually, lalaki ang sumusugod sa dance floor to punch the man his girl is with. Pero this time, 'yung babae ang sumugod. Hindi niya nga lang ako sinabunutan. Humalakhak ako. Kung nandito si Levi, nasuntok niya na 'yon si Gray.

Levi.

Si Levi na naman.

Nawala ako bigla sa mood sumayaw kaya umalis kaagad ako sa dance floor. My world was spinning uncontrollably but I really was hell bent to reach the couch and dive myself. Mabuti na lang pala talaga at hindi ako nagdala ng sasakyan. I don't think I could drive. Susunod naman si Kuya rito kaya malamang ay siya na ang bahala sa 'min pauwi.

Ihahagis ko na sana ang katawan ko sa couch nang maramdaman ko ang mabigat na kamay sa balikat ko. The man in executive attire forcefully made me face him.

"What the hell, Blaire! Lasing ka?" Kuya surveyed my face. Tinapik-tapik pa niya ang pisngi ko. "f**k! You're drunk!"

Sa sobrang lapit ng mukha niya sa 'kin, kitang kita ko ang pamumula ng mukha niya. He clenched his jaw. Mas mukha pa siyang lasing kaysa sa 'kin. I laughed and shook my head.

"Hindi. Tipsy lang."

At parang tanga lang kasi bigla akong nahilo. I lost my balance but he quickly caught me in his arms. I am so going to p**e! He cursed, natawa na naman ako.

"Tipsy? Tignan mo nga 'yang itsura mo! And your chest!"

I looked down my chest. Kumunot ang noo ko. I placed my hands on both sides of my breast and pressed it.

"Chest pa rin naman?" I whispered to myself. Hindi naman siya natanggal.

He cursed with a gritted teeth. Lumayo siya sa 'kin at nilibot ang mga mata sa buong bar. Sinabunutan niya ang buhok niya at muling nagpaulan ng mura. Alam kong gustong gusto niya nang umalis at iwan ako. Kahit dim ang lights, kitang kita ko ang iritasyon sa mukha niya. He looked real frustrated. Gulo-gulo ang buhok niya at naka-button down ang polo. Kung hindi ko lang alam na faithful siya sa kaibigan ko, iisipin kong totoo ang allegations ni Chelzie na nakikipaglandian siya kay Maggie.

I shrugged. "You know. P'wede namang iwan mo na ko rito para hanapin ang fiancee mo. I won't mind. Really. I'm used to it."

He glared. I c****d my head when he stepped closer again. Muli niyang dinakma ang mga balikat ko.

"Where is she? Tangina naman kasi, Blaire! I texted you! I told you to not drink! To not dance! I told you to look after her! You know she has drinking problems! Bakit mo pinabayaan?"

To not drink? To not dance? Hindi naman nila nilinaw na babysitter pala ako ngayong gabi.

My eyes began to water. Maybe it's due to the alcohol? Lumuwag ang pagkakahawak niya sa 'kin. I feigned a laugh. Of course, si Chelzie. Si Chelzie naman talaga ang concern niya. Why was I even wondering? It takes million of excuses para payagan niya akong magpunta sa club. Kasi makakasira sa image ng pamilya. f**k image. f**k reputation. That's the only thing that matters to him! And of course, his fiancee! Wala ngang pasubali na pinayagan niya akong pumunta rito kahit hindi naman talaga usually ganito. Bakit? Ano pa nga ba! Para bantayan ang pinakamamahal niya!

Inalis ko ang mga kamay niya sa balikat ko at sumalampak sa couch.

"I'm not her babysitter, okay? Himbes na inaaway mo 'ko, bakit hindi mo na lang siya puntahan do'n?"

Muli siyang nagmura at nagsalin ng tubig sa baso. Padarag niyang inabot sa 'kin iyon.

"Sober yourself up quick. Wag kang aalis. We'll talk later," and he stormed out of my sight.

Napailing ako. I crumpled the hem of my skirt. Naiinis ako kay Kuya. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. I hate him for disregarding other people's feelings for business. For Chelzie. Dapat sanay na 'ko. Pero hindi ko talaga maiwasang makaramdam ng gan'to. Never siyang nagpakita ng concern sa 'min ni Bailey kapag walang kinalaman sa negosyo. Kapag walang kinalaman kay Chelzie. He loves controlling me and Bailey for the sake of his own satisfaction.

I hated him for that. But I hated myself even more. I hated myself for thinking that way. I hated myself for being envious with Chelzie. She did not deserve even a speck of it and I shouldn't feel bad for it.

Pero ito talaga ang nararamdaman ko. Ganito ako. Ganito talaga ako. And I am sorry for being like this.

When a single drop of tear fell, I immediately grabbed my bag and went out of the suffocating place. Magtataxi na lang siguro ako.

I racked my head.

No.

Kapag umuwi ako ay kakausapin ako ni Kuya. He's mad. Obviously. Galit siya kasi hindi ko nabantayan ang fiancee niya. At galit rin ako. I didn't want to burst out that night. Or not in time. Kilala ko si Chelzie. She's soft. She'll suffer to the consequences of this absurd jealousy. That will make her feel terribly bad. Ayokong mangyari 'yon. She's like a sister to me. Mas kapatid pa nga ang turing niya sa 'kin kaysa kay Kuya. I won't risk losing another sibling.

Napakamot ako sa ulo ko.

Si Kuya naman kasi!

I cursed out loud when I felt something going round in circle inside my stomach. Nanlalabo na naman ang paningin ko. I rushed to the nearest trashbin and threw out all the rainbows in my tummy.

Ew!

Dahil ayoko pang umuwi, naglakad-lakad na lang muna ako. Tahimik na ang kalsada at wala nang masyadong tao. Time at that point became irrelevant to me. Malay ko ba kung anong oras na. I just wanted to walk. Was I going to check in to a hotel? Kapag umuwi ako, mag-aaway lang kami ni Kuya. I was sure of that. Kapag naman sa ospital ako pumunta, baka kung anong isipin ng mga kaibigan ni Levi.

There. His name. I remembered him again.

Kung nandito lang 'yun, for sure ipagtatanggol ako no'n kay Kuya. Ayaw na ayaw no'n na sinisigawan ako kahit pa ng kapatid ko. He's always gentle pagdating sa 'kin. He knew my weakness at alam niyang si Kuya 'yon. I never talked to him about my issues. Kahit naman ganito ako ay mahal ko 'yon si Kuya. I don't want to stain his name sa isip ng ibang tao lalo na sa best friend niya. But Levi, knowing me better than anyone else does, noticed it. Kahit hindi ako nagsasalita ay i-cocomfort niya 'ko. That's what I love the most about him. I don't think I can still found someone who knows me better than Levi does. Kilalang-kilala niya na 'ko. He reads my mind like an open book.

At kung nandito man siya, siya ang magpupunas ng mga lintik na luhang 'to.

"Do you know that there are around 30 trillion cells in your body and they all care for you?"

Nag-angat ako ng tingin. I did not even notice na nakaupo na ako sa gutter. At mas lalong hindi ko inaasahan kung saan ako dinala ng mga paa ko. I was in front of a church. A catholic church.

"Why are you here?" tanong ko kay Jehoram nang magsquat siya sa harap ko.

"Pauwi na 'ko and then... I saw you. Ikaw? Bakit ka po nandito?"

"Bawal ba ako rito?"

"May sinabi po ba ako?" he said and sat beside me. Umikot ang mga mata ko. His brows almost converged when his eyes wandered around. "Wala ka na namang sasakyan?"

"Kasama ko si Kuya."

"Oh nasa'n siya?"

I shrugged. "Iniwan ko."

"Ha? Bakit naman-"

"Do you really stay this late outside?" I cut him off to cancel his queries.

I didn't want to bring it up to him. I can't even open it up to my closest people, what more to someone I barely knew? Kaso parang iba ang pagkakaintindi niya sa tanong ko. It's as if the question caught him off guard and I think I knew why.

"I mean, gabi na ah. Anong oras ba natatapos trabaho mo?"

His eyes almost did that twinkling in amusement. "Curious ka na po?"

Agad lumipad ang palad ko sa braso niya. "Ewan ko sa 'yo!"

He laughed. Maya-maya pa ay pinatong niya sa binti niya ang isang paperbag. Seriously, palagi na lang may bitbit na paperbag ang isang 'to. Kumunot ang noo ko nang ilabas niya ang maroon na jacket doon at iabot sa 'kin.

"Malinis po 'yan. Di ko nasuot kanina."

"Aanhin ko 'yan?"

He rolled his eyes. "Ano po bang ginagawa sa jacket?"

Binatukan ko nga. Ang hilig talaga mamilosopo ng isang 'to! Bakit niya ba kasi binibigay sa 'kin ang jacket niya? As if on cue, napayuko ako upang tignan ang dibdib ko. Kumakaway pala doon ang malusog na cleavage ko. Agad akong nakaramdam ng init sa mukha.

"Two..."

"Anong two?"

Umiling siya at nag-iwas ng tingin. I saw how he bit his lips when he can't refrain himself from smiling. Napailing ako at sinuot na lamang ang jacket.

"Seriously, bakit nga nasa labas ka pa? Dahil sa work?"

Sinulyapan niya 'ko. "Sasagutin mo rin po ba 'yung tanong ko kapag sinagot ko 'yan?"

"Hindi."

Amusement flashed through his hazelnut eyes again. Ang weird din ng isang 'to. Parang kahit anong sabihin ko ay mamamangha siya. Kahit siguro i-bully ko siya verbally, mamamangha pa rin siya.

"Galing po akong ospital. Dumaan lang ako rito tapos pauwi na rin. Ikaw?"

My brow arched. "Oh bakit mo sinagot?"

"Ayaw mo pa?"

I glared at him. "Ang pilosopo mo!" I offensively pinched his side.

He whimpered but still with a ghost of laughter. Nang pakawalan ko ang tagiliran niya ay nagpakawala siya ng halakhak. Napalingon ako sa paligid namin. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita ang isang lalaki na nakasuot ng sutana. Nasa hamba siya ng pintuan at weird na nakatingin sa 'min. Salubong ang mga kilay niya na parang nagtataka sa nangyayari.

Nakakahiya 'tong si Jehoram!

Carrying the embarrasment, I leaned closer to him, telling him to "Shut up!" and covered his mouth with my palm. "Ang ingay mo! Nakakahiya!" nanggigigil kong sabi.

Natigilan siya. I felt his body stiffened. Napatingin ako sa paper bag na bumagsak mula sa kandungan niya. When I realized how awkward our position was, I immediately relinquished my palm from his mouth and moved a little. Blood rushed to my face and something in my tummy felt... weird.

"Four..." he mumbled.

"Ha?"

Naabutan kong nangangamatis ang mukha niya. Para itong bomba na malapit nang sumabog sa pamumula. He averted his eyes away from me and scratched his nape like a typical Jehoram.

"Wala."

But it wasn't enough. I moved my head closer so I can survey his face more. Mas lalo niyang nilihis iyon sa ibang direksyon. Nag-angat ang kilay ko. Parang nahawa ata ang pisngi ko sa pamumula ng kaniya.

Umayos ako ng upo at bahagyang lumayo.

Weird.

***

Ephesians 2:19-22 |

Whenever you feel unloved, unimportant, or insecure, remember to whom you belong.