Valeria

5 Consuelo

After that, I didn’t know what happened next. The one thing that was running in my frenzied mind that morning was certainty. I was sure that I wasn’t going to die. Despite the total chaos that disrupted my birthday celebration, my cruel mind lived certain. I wasn’t dying. My life was just there, stuck in a loop.

So, who was?

Sa aking dalawang araw na pagkakatulog ay nagkamalay rin. Doon ko nalaman ang sagot sa aking mga katanungan. I lost a life other than mine. I lost her that Sunday morning in August twenty-third.

“We did everything possible. We’re very sorry, Mrs. Santa Romana.” Hindi ko na nasundan pa ang sumunod na sinabi ng mga doktor.

How could I? When everything we built came crashing down, razed to the ground by some driver who drank himself to death and literally drove my child in it?

Masama ba ako kung wala akong naramdamang awa para sa pagkamatay ng lasing na driver?

Kung mayroon man ay ang kakulangan.

Hindi sapat ang kaniyang buhay para palitan ang nawala sa akin. Sa anak ko. I knew that all lives here on earth must be treated fairly. But with the world we lived in, anybody who would dare say that was either a lunatic or insensitive.

Nothing was fair. Not in love and war. Not in goodness and virtue. It was bullshit to say otherwise.

Bata pa lang ako ay alam ko na iyon pero kahit hanggang pagtanda ay hindi ko pa rin natutunan. Even the most intelligent person wouldn’t have ever known its secrets. Dealing with loss. Facing the torment. Nobody would.

“Sol, kailangan mong kumain. Kahapon pa walang laman ang tiyan mo.” Libra appeared in my vision.

The worry etched in his face was like everyone else’s who went through that door. The one mixed with pity.

May inabot itong isang platitong may lamang mansanas. I took it wordlessly, putting it on top of my lap. Umayos ako ng upo at bumaba ang tingin sa hinating prutas. No matter how much I looked at it, it didn’t seem as appetizing as it was before.

Before.

When our bloodstreams were linked. When the emotions we shared were relayed to each other. When our heartbeats pumped in sync. Every pinch, every gulp, and every breath. All of it was condensed into one form. When we were still connected.

But that was before.

“Her name is Apollo,” bulong ko. “Kaming dalawa pa lang ni Beatus ang may alam. But that’s the name we’ve chosen. Apollo Adrianna.”

Nag-angat ako ng tingin kay Libra. Kusang tumulo ang aking mga luha, walang tunog at walang kahit isang segundo ang lumipas.

For once, my cousin didn’t know what to do. He pursed his lips and carefully sat down on the chair that was adjacent to the hospital bed. He held my hand just like the rest of them. Trying to be warm and comforting.

“That’s a pretty name,” tango niya.

“Yeah...”

“I’m sure Apollo would have been as pretty as her name. Even more beautiful than you.” Libra smiled bitterly.

Ang kaunting patak ng aking mga luha ay mabilis na nagbago, naging marahas at malupit katulad ng hinain sa akin ng mundo. I didn’t know how it happened but the next thing I knew, I was sobbing on Libra’s shoulders. He had to stand up otherwise I would fall.

“It’s so unfair, Libra. It’s so f*****g unfair. Why did it have to be me?” nanginginig kong bulong.

Naninigas ang aking mga kalamnan habang umiiyak sa kaniyang balikat. Hindi ko alam kung ilang beses ko na iyong ginawa sa tanan ng aking buhay. Pero masasabi kong ang pagkakataong iyon ang pinakamasakit sa lahat.

When my parents died, I cried on his shoulders too. Then I was called an orphan. My child died, and there I was, crying my heart out. But I didn’t know what to call myself.

What do you call a mother who lost her child? Was there a term for it? For someone like me?

Was there even a language made just for it so I could adress the pain I was feeling?

Just like that, she was gone. Apollo, my little princess.

“What can I do, Libra? I don’t even know how to face the world. Please tell me what I should do...” Mahigpit ang hawak ko sa balikat ng pinsan.

He pulled away. I didn’t want to. Isa-isa niyang pwersahang inalis ang aking mga daliring nakakapit sa kaniyang damit. He held my face with the both of his hands, crouching a little low to see just how much my tears drenched my face.

“You cry, Sol. You cry, okay? Then you get up. You face the world, and you can cry again as much as you like,” he whispered. “But you need to keep moving forward.”

Wala akong ibang nagawa kung hindi ang umiyak habang hawak niya ang aking mga pisngi. My sobs almost broke my spine in half. It was soon turning into a delirious state. Hindi nakamit ni Libra ang mensaheng gustong iparating. Dahil hindi ako makontrol ay kinailangan niyang magtawag ng nurse.

The next time I woke up, nothing changed. Nasa loob pa rin ako ng apat na sulok ng puting kwarto. Umugong ang aircon at pumintig ang mga ilaw. The only difference was the set of new fruits on my bedside table because the previous ones became rotten.

Nakaupo si Beatus ngunit nakadukdok ang kalahati ng katawan sa gilid ng kama. Kaunting kaluskos lamang ay nagising ito. He was busy with our lawyer earlier this morning so he had to contact Libra.

“What time is it?” I sat up, realizing how broken and bruised my body was.

“Two-thirty. Here.” Nag-abot si Beatus ng isang basong tubig.

Kaagad ko iyong tinanggap at uminom. He took it from my hand when I was finished. Then he stood up and sat on the side of my bed. Umusog ako nang kaunti upang magkasya kaming dalawa.

“Can I have my phone please?” Pinaglaruan ko ang mga daliri.

Bahagya kong ginalaw ang nakabendang balikat. Ngumiwi ako dahil sa kirot.

Beatus was silent for a while. There was reluctancy in his eyes but he caved in anyway. Binunot nito sa bulsa ng jeans ang aking telepono. Totoo nga ang oras na dineklara niya.

It was a Thursday that day. It was already two days ever since I woke up. Ang sabi ng mga doktor ay oobserbahan pa nila ako dahil naging malakas ang pagkakabangga sa akin. I saw myself earlier in the mirror. To say that I looked like a disaster was an understatement.

Marami akong galos sa mukha at katawan. Ang tagiliran ko ang napuruhan. Thankfully not my head, as the doctors put it, so I only had a minor concussion, a few broken ribs, and a dislocated shoulder. Still lucky, they said, considering that the white iron gates of our small house got detached because of the impact.

I just wished they stop using that word. Luck.

“Kamusta ang kaso?” Ibinalik ko ang telepono kay Beatus.

Kumunot ang noo nito. Sa tagal naming nagsasama ay alam kong kabisado na niya ang tumatakbo sa utak ko.

“We can talk about that when you’re home and doing okay–”

“I’m not okay, alright? I don’t know when I will ever be. So… please… just tell me already…” I fought the urge to cry.

Palipat-lipat ang kaniyang mga mata sa akin bago muling bumuntong-hininga. He licked his lips, his eyes focusing on the white linen sheets that seemed too harsh on my skin.

“The driver is dead, Sol. He was just renting that Vios he drove. Nakausap ko si Attorney Tropez kanina. Pareho naming nalamang mahirap lang ang pamilya ng mga Javier. If there’s any property we coud pursue as a beneficiary, it’s most likely not going to serve its purpose. Going to court is not the best solution.”

“What is, Beatus?” I faced him, feeling my hopelessness double. “What’s the solution to all this? Ano?”

Sinapo nito ang noo. His two fingers rubbed his eyes, and when he opened them, I could see their weariness. Even the ones on his shoulders. “I wish there is, Sol. If only there is.”

Wala akong nagawa kung hindi ang tumingala. Masakit sa balikat ang aking ginawang aksyon ngunit mas alintana ko ang kawalan ng pag-asa. Ever since I woke up, that was all that I felt. Hopelessness. The terrible loss and knowing you couldn’t do something about it.

“Do something, Beatus! Anything! Patay ang anak mo dahil sa lalaking iyon! Just do something! I don’t care what it is!” Bumagsak ang aking mga kanina pang pinipigilang luha.

Beatus seemed to be taken aback. Once my tears were released, they couldn’t be controlled. Panay ang agos, galit na galit at pabugso-bugso.

“Do something for your child! Don’t just stand there! Huwag kang babalik dito hanggang wala kang nagagawa!” I begged, clutching his shirt with my good hand.

“For f**k’s sake, Sol! It’s an accident! And Salmo Javier is already dead! What else do you want me to do?” Tumayo si Beatus at nilahad ang kamay sa ere.

“I don’t know, damn it. Just do something!” sigaw ko pabalik.

“I’m sorry but I’m not a Delgado! Okay?! I don’t know what to do when it comes to bringing justice in my own hands. All I can give you is my love and support, Sol. Like I always do! Hindi ba sapat?”

I closed my eyes instead of answering. Isang nakakabinging katahimikan ang bumalot sa aming dalawa. That wasn’t me. This... this wasn’t me.

Slowly, my sobs returned until it was all that we could hear. Sa isang saglit, maaaring narinig ko rin ang kaniya. And like mine, his sobs too were as broken as we both were.

“I’m sorry, Sol,” Beatus whispered. “I’m so sorry...”

From ‘cheese’ to ‘sorry’. That was how my memory ended. I was back in our room once again with nothing but the truth that I would face a much deeper sense of loss than the first one I had experienced. Mas masakit ang nag-aabang na mga araw, buwan at taon para sa akin. Binuka ulit ang mga sugat na pilit kong isinara noon. At sa pagkakataong iyon ay hindi ko alam kung may tyansa pa bang gumaling at maghilom.

Ginalaw ko ang hawak na litrato sa mga kamay. I was smiling in the photo. Gusto kong sirain ang litrato ngunit hindi ko magawa. Huling litrato ko iyong buhay pa ang bata sa loob ko. Huling litrato ring nakangiti ako. It was the last reminder of my child so I couldn’t bring myself to burn the paper no matter how much I wanted to.

Two knocks against the open door made me look up. Nakapamulsang nag-aabang si Beatus doon. “Nasa baba na sila Aling Nenita. They’re eating breakfast. Gusto mo bang sumabay?”

I put the picture away and grabbed a comb. I began brushing my hair in lazy strokes.

“Pwede bang dito na lang ako kumain? I’m not in the mood to face anyone but you,” sagot ko.

Matagal akong pinakatitigan ni Beatus. Mula sa mga hibla ng aking basang buhok at dulo ng mga daliri. It took a while for him to nod quietly. Nagpaalam muna itong sasabayan ng umagahan ang aming mga tauhan.

Naiwan ulit akong mag-isa sa kwarto, iniisip kung gaano ba naging isang importanteng tao para sa akin ang asawa ko.

The man I loved loved me first. In return, he was my one and only. From high school sweethearts to lifetime lovers. And no, it didn’t happen magically. Like he himself said, it was by choice.

If there was one purest thing in my life I could offer to another, it was my loyalty. Firm and solid like my love. All because I didn’t like letting my people go.

Bata pa lang ako ay nalaman ko na kung gaano kasakit ang mawalan. Ang maiwan mag-isa. My parents died when I was in highschool. Wala pa man ding dalawang taon simula noong nakauwi ng Pilipinas ang aming pamilya ay sumabog kaagad ang trahedya. It was an assasination as the investigation deemed it. For a while, my brother and I thought we lost Kuya Carlo too but that’s another different story.

Kung susumain, ilang taon akong naiwang mag-isa. Ako ang humarap sa lahat ng iniwan ng aking mga magulang at kapatid. I was the youngest but all the responsibility was passed down to me because Kuya Carlo was gone and Kuya Ilay was too damaged. Wala akong panahong magluksa pero may awa ang langit dahil binigyan ako ng pagkakataon para umibig.

Never once did Beatus left my side. He became my pillar and strength in the darkest moments of my life. He loved me with the right amount, constantly and kindly. All I had was Beatus, the only person who saw all the parts of me.

It was always us against the world. But when our world shattered, who would be there for us?

What was I even doing there, acting like Beatus and I had an unbreakable bond?

Was I really yearning for so much validation in my life, to be accepted and treated the same way as the others, that I believed marrying someone respectable was my supposed ending?

If I was being real to myself, I did consider my ending. Hindi iyon nagtapos sa panahong may dalawa o tatlo akong anak at ilang taon nang masaya sa piling ng aking asawa. Minsan sa buhay ko, inisip kong ang aking magiging dulo ay ang maging malaya. But that thought vanished as I grew up. Nothing was free in this world, I learned. Everything and everyone had its own prize, big or small.

I looked down at the ground below.

Just at what expense did you die, my dear Apollo?

Silently and without so much emotion, my tears rolled down my cheeks and sank unto the floor, sinking into the woods and dropping down below in the open grave where the dead lie.

I wouldn’t say that there was only a thin line between life and death. Because it didn’t work out that way. There was huge difference between the two. A terrible one at that. But right at that moment, as I imagined the earth cradling my child, I felt like there was none. I was walking above the ground with my heartbeats but I felt like the dead.

Empty. Broken. Blindly wandering. And... cold.

Like I was in cage small enough to be my own casket.

Isang panibagong buhos ng mga luha na naman ang kinaharap ko nang umagang iyon. But I forced myself to stop even without the help of Beatus. I needed to assure myself that I got myself.

Pagkatapos akong dalhan ng umagahan sa kwarto ay nagpaalam na rin si Beatus na papasok sa trabaho. Hindi katulad kahapon ay hindi na ito dumaan noong bandang tanghali. May mga kasama na ako. Nanatili lang ako sa kwarto. Kung hindi ako nanonood ng TV ay natutulog naman.

I was laying there on the bed as the sun went down. Nakatingin ako sa patay na ilaw.

Lumagaslas ang mga dahon. Umihip ang hangin.

It was the same amount of cold and serenity that morning. Soon, my mind pulled me back to another memory from my birthday.

After sometime, I found myself getting exhausted while mingling with the guests. Beatus was busy entertaining them so I didn’t bother dragging him away. Ilang minuto akong pumasok sa loob ng bahay upang makapahinga at manduhan ang loob ng aming kusina. Sa aking daan pabalik sa labas ay nakita ko ang sariling tinitingnan ang litrato nina Papa at Mama sa tabi ng maliit naming altar.

“Your mother would have been so proud of you,” said a voice from the hallway.

Iniwan ng aking mga daliri ang tinalunton nitong mga salaming nagtatago ng litrato. Bawat mukha ay importante sa aking buhay. May iilang naglalakad pa sa ibabaw ng mundo. Mayroon ding naglalakbay sa alapaap. Mayroon ding naliligo sa apoy.

I turned to my brother with a small smile on my face. He leaned casually on the door frame, burying his hands inside his pockets.

“For carrying a child?” Tumagalid ang aking ulo.

As if on cue, we both looked at my middle. Malaki ang diperensya kaysa noong una naming narinig ang t***k ng puso nito anim na buwan na ang nakalipas. It looked so big now like I swallowed half of a watermelon. Ano na lang ang itsura ko kung tuluyan itong lumaki?

“For raising a family of your own,” Kuya Carlo nodded. “Our family wasn’t lucky enough to survive. You managed well even without them.”

We both looked back at the picture frame in the rack. Kung sa mga litrato lamang ay maraming kuhang kasama ang aking mga magulang. It was all they left us ever since the tragedy. Pictures, the frozen memories. A whole lot of them.

“You think so?” Pagkatapos tingnan ang tiyan ay ang aking daliri naman. Kumintab ang singsing na tatlong taon nang nakasuot doon.

A ghost of smile touched my brother’s lips. The cruel trademark in his eyes as he hid a smirk made me raise my brows.

We shared the same blood but not the same mother. Sometimes he was a bastard. Sometimes not. Sometimes I could see more of the notorious Don Apollo in him than in my real brother, Allistaire, so he could be as royal as he could get.

“Happy Birthday, Sol.” Kuya Carlo gave me a small smile.

But sometimes, he was just a man. Lonely and loveless.

Or maybe he was full of it. Love. He just chose not to.

Putting the picture frame back, I looked back at Kuya Carlo. He, too, stood up and straightened his immaculate Tom Ford three-piece suit. It was a wonder how he and Ilay wore such sharp clothing when it was obviously a sunny Sunday morning. It must be reserved only for brunches, coffee dates, and family gatherings.

“Good luck,” tango niya sa aking tiyan. “You’ll need lots of it.”