Between Hate and Love

Chapter 19

I cried all the way home and even after getting at home. Alam ko’ng nag-aalala sa akin si Venera dahil panay rin ang tanong niya sa akin kung ayos lang ako; hindi rin siya nakatulog nang maayos.

Nang madaling araw na ay lumipat ako sa couch. I was just there, lying like a cold corpse, nakatulala sa ceiling. My mind was blank. I couldn’t think of anything, except the fact that Khal was mad at me.

His eyes… they were fuming mad… and hurt. Hindi natupad ang gusto ko na mag-usap kami. He reminded me of what I’ve done five years ago and it sent my tongue tied. Wala ako’ng ibang marason sa kanya, and I guess kung ipipilit ko’ng magpaliwanag sa kanya noong araw na ‘yon ay lalo lang siya’ng magagalit sa akin.

I silently cried. Hinatid ako ni Khal, pero pinakiusap niya sa akin na huwag ako’ng magsasalita sa buong biyahe. My mind was juggling many thoughts allthroughout that silent ride, hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko habang umiiyak ako nang palihim.

Fuck life.

I had Khal… I was the happiest back then… back before I ruined everything.

Tumunog ang alarm ko at kaagad ako’ng bumangon. I didn’t even sleep.

I prepared our breakfast and prepared going to work.

“Sigurado ka na kaya mo? Tingnan mo nga ‘yung hitsura mo sa salamin, mukha ka’ng panda dahil sa puyat!” Venera groaned at me. She shook her head and tried to stop me from going to work.

“I guess, it’s time to stop all these, Angel,” mungkahi niya. “Try to talk things out with Khal in another way. Huwag ‘yung kailangan mo pa na maging assistant niya. Get another job that is better for you, duh.”

Kaagad ako’ng umiling kay Venera. I actually thought of that already, but there was no way that Khal would still talk to me. Being his assistant was the only way that I could be close with him and get a chance to be with him again.

Wala ako’ng maisip na ibang paraan, unless kidnappin ko siya para kausapin niya ako. But why the hell would I do that?

“Kahit nga assistant niya ako, hindi pa rin kami nakakapag-usap nang maayos. What more kung hindi?”

“Gaga ka kasi. Ang ganda-ganda na nga nung araw kasi tinanong ka niya tungkol sa pamilya mo, tapos kasama mo pa siya magdinner. Then what? You spoiled the fun and brought up what happened five years ago. Malamang maiinis talaga nang sobra ‘yung tao,” Venera reminded me.

I admitted it already—I was wrong. Hindi ako nag-iisip at nagpadala ako sa emosyon ko. I thought it was the right time to bring it up because he reacted to that song, maliit na bagay pero alam ko na parehong malaki ‘yung impact nu’n sa’min.

Maayos naman kami kahapon. May gana pa nga ako na magtampo nu’ng araw na ‘yon, tapos binuhat niya pa ako papasok sa kotse niya.

I reached Khal’s office five minutes late. Nandoon na siya nang makarating ako. I greeted him good morning but he didn’t say anything. He neither nodded nor looked at me.

Parang dinudurog ang puso ko.

I was staying for five minutes in the office and then Khal left. Wala ako’ng ideya sa schedule niya, wala rin siya’ng sinabi na gawin ko. I felt like I was just an air around him. Actually, much worst, because someone needs air to breathe and he didn’t even need me.

Bumaba ako para magkape. Nakatunganga lang ako sa opisina and the more I smell Khal’s perfume the more I miss him and the more hurt I was feeling.

“Kumusta?” Hendrix greeted me. Favorite tambayan niya talaga ang cafeteria; napailing na lamang ako.

“He’s moody as ever,” maikling turan ko.

Hendrix shrugged. “Do you consider quitting?” tanong niya. My brows raised at him.

“Pareho kayo ng suggestion ni Venera.”

“I’m not suggesting, I’m asking,” sagot niya.

I sipped my coffee and remained seated in front of Hendrix. There were less people in the cafeteria at balita ko kay Hendrix, Khal was probably walking around the whole building to check how everyone was doing. Mandalas daw na ganu’n siya. Kung hindi ang building ang iniikot, he was out of the City or out of the country. “Unless it’s twenty third of October today. He’s probably outside.”

Napabuntong-hininga ako habang nakatulala sa hawak ko’ng kape.

“Why did you even submit my resume?” I asked, although it didn’t came out as a question… more of a statement.

Hendrix looked at me. “I know you want to get back with him, sayang ‘yung opportunity.”

“Why did he even accept me?”

That was when Hendrix stoop and winked at me. “Who knows, except Khal.”

My day was boring and sad as hell. Khal did not went back to his office. Wala ako’ng ibang ginawa kung hindi ang tumunganga. There was even nothing to do and the ipad that I was doing for work was with him.

So, I called Atticus and Allison to check on mama.

Before leaving the office by five in the afternoon, Venera sent me message that we should go to a bar. I fiugured liquor could help me out a bit with the sadness that I was feeling so I said yes.

I left the office and went straight home change my clothings. I wore a red bodycon dress and high-heeled black boots. I added a heavy makeup and finished my look with my gold watch and huge round earrings.

I felt like partying because of Khal. I wanted to forget for a minute. Naiinis ako dahil naisip ko siya’ng tigilan. I knew that I didn’t want that idea. I would not let him go so easily. We just need to breathe for a while and then, we could start over again. I would never stop pleasing and getting him back.

“Girl! You’re so gorgeous!” Venera greeted me soon as I walked inside the bar. Hendrix was there and although the two weren’t admitting to me that they were back together, mukhang sila na ulit.

“Thanks, let’s get this party started!” sigaw ko. Hindi ko alam kung saan nangagaling ang confidence na meron ako, but I just really wanted to forget for a while.

Mama was fine. Atticus and Allison were both doing good at school. I wanted to celebrate that and drown how much I’ve lost Khal already.

The music was loud and the liqours were kicking in. I was dancing with Venera and we were having such a great time. Venera just let me got drunk while Hendrix was watching over us and trying to regulate our drinks.

I was just dancing body to body with anyone and I wasn’t thinking so much. My eyes were shut to feel the sexy rhythym of the music, as I swayed my hips and raised my hands.

When I opened my eyes, some men were around me, dancing and having a fun time. I pushed them away and left the dance floor when I felt the need to pee.

I ran as fast as I could t othe bathroom and hit some people along the way. I said sorry, but I kept running, until I hit a strong chest that completely stopped me from my track.

“Khal?”