Between Hate and Love

Chapter 15

I was senior high school when mama introduced us to Gino. He was a kind man… at first, but then he became violent, especially at times when we were out of money. Walang permanente na trabaho si mama, while Gino was a construction worker.

Hindi ko siya gusto noon pa man, pero dahil kay mama, ay wala ako’ng nagawa. I respected her decisions and her life choices. Tumutulong din naman sa amin si Gino kahit papaano, at kapag hindi siya lasing o nasa katinuan ang utak niya ay mabait siya sa aming lahat, lalo na kay mama.

Siguro ‘yon ang isang rason kaya hindi ko napilit si mama noon na hiwalayan si Gino. That guy had his ways to make my mother laugh and to make my mother feel special. Hindi niya kami anak lahat, but he supported us along with my mother.

“Nagkita rin tayo sa wakas, Angel!” Tito greeted me as soon as I entered the house. He locked the door and grinned at me.

Mama was sitting on a plastic chair. She was in a complete mess. Her eyes were bloodied, her cheeks were red, and her hair was disheveled. Her hands were fisted, and it seemed to me that she was trying her best not to cry.

The house was in chaos too. The broken pieces of glasswares were all over the place, the seats were not in their usual place, even the curtain was torn apart. Ito na yata ang pinakamalala nila na pag-aaway.

“Ano ba ‘to tito? Ano na naman ba ang problema?” I asked as I walked to mama. Hinawakan ko siya balikat at saka marahang hinaplos ang likod niya. Bakas ko sa mga mata niya ang pagod at galit, pero simula nang pumasok ako sa loob ng bahay ay hindi na siya nagsalita.

“Itanong mo sa mama mo! Aba, humihingi lang naman ako ng pera pang-inom! Ngayon nga lang ako humingi, at saka dalawang daan lang naman hinihingi ko, tapos kung anu-ano na ang sinabi. Ikaw, Angel, sa tingin mo tama ba ‘yon?”

Hindi ako umimik. Kinuha ko ang wallet ko at saka inabot sa kanya ang two hundred pesos. “Sige na tito, palabasin mo na kami ni mama.”

Hindi sumasagot si Gino. Ilang segundo niya tiningnan ‘yung pera at saka siya nagdesisyon na kuhanin ‘yon. “Oh, ‘di ba ang dali lang gawin, Clarisse? Pinatagal-tagal mo pa! May mga tanod na naman sa bahay at ang lagay sa mga anak mo ay inaapi pa kita!” sigaw niya.

Tiningnan ko ng masama si Gino. “Tama na, umalis na kayo. Huwag kayo’ng mag-alala paaalisin ko na rin ‘yung mga tanod. Bukas ng umaga na ho kayo bumalik, parang awa niyo na,” sambit ko nang hindi bukal sa loob ko.

‘Mas maganda kung hindi ka na babalik,’ gusto ko sanang sabihin, kaso baka i-lock niya kami sa loob ng bahay at magdesisyon siya na huwag na kami’ng palabasin.

“Sige! Bilisan mo! Kanina pa sana naayos ‘to, kung dumating ka agad! Naandito ka na pala sa Pilipinas, hindi niyo manlang ako sinabihan,” paghihimutok niya.

The chaos finally ended… for now. Lumabas si Gino. Hinarang siya ng mga tanod, pero kaagad ko silang sinabihan na hayaan na lamang siya. Kinausap ko lahat ng rumesponde upang magpasalamat at humingi ng pasesnya dahil sa abala.

Venera helped with everything. She cleaned up the house along with Allison and Atticus, while I tended to mama’s needs. I brought her to her room and asked her to take a rest.

Ayaw ni mama na inaalagaan siya. She wasn’t the type of mother who would ask her child to take care of her when she was old and unable to move anymore. Instead, pinapakita niya na kaya niyang kumilos at hangga’t kaya niya ay magtatatrabaho siya.

I sighed when she shut me off and asked me to just leave her alone for now. Hindi ko siya sinermunan gaya nang nakasanayan ko. Nang makumbinsi ako na magpapahinga nga siya ay lumabas na ako para tulungan sina Venera.

Venera handed me a glass of water.

It was already six in the morning. Pareho kami na bangag at lutang sa nangyari. Sa tingin ko, kahit ilang beses pa na mag-away sina mama at Gino na ganito ay hindi ko makukuha na sanayin ang sarili ko. Akala ko kalmado lang ako habang nireresolba ang lahat, pero ang totoo ay nanginginig ako at mabilis ang t***k ng puso ko.

“Ayos ka lang?” she asked.

I looked at my siblings… My half-siblings… They weren’t Gino’s child. Walang anak si Gino kay mama. I was mama’s first child to her first boyfriend. Then, Allison and Atticus were her child with the man she married. That guy died already, then, she met Gino.

Ewan ko kung bakit malas siya sa pag-ibig. Lahat kasi ng lalake na dumaan sa buhay niya ay bayolente. Kung hindi man bayolente, hindi siya nirerespeto bilang babae. Hindi ko rin maintindihan kung paano sila nagustuhan ng nanay ko, pero baka dahil iba siguro ang pagkakaunawa niya sa konsepto ng pag-ibig.

“I thought I’m used to it… But no, Venera. This s**t still scares the hell out of me everytime,” I honestly told her. Ininom ko ang tubig mula sa baso na inabot niya sa akin.

Allison and Atticus both have classes. They insisted on going to school kahit pa pareho sila na walang tulog.

“How about you,” Venera asked me. “Babalik ka ba sa opisina niyan? Nakapagpaalam ka na ba sa boss mo?”

Shit.

I forgot that.

I already told Khal that I would go to the office, but this happened.

The panic in my eyes was evident. Venera smiled at me and tapped my shoulders. “Sa lahat ng tao, alam ko na alam mo’ng siya ‘yung pinakamakakaintindi sa sitwasyon mo.”

I was left alone in the quiteness of the home. Allison and Atticus both went to school. While Venera went back home to get her stuff then drive straight to work.

Matapos ko’ng mag-message kay Khal, saying I would not be coming to work due to personal emegency, ay nagluto ako ng agahan.

Our house wasn’t that huge. It was an old house from my mother’s father. We had been living here for all my life. Namulat ako rito, at hanggang ngayon ay naririto pa rin kami. Mama didn’t want to let go of the house, so I made some arrangements for it to be legally ours.

The house was simple, yet always clean and well decorated by mama. It had two bedrooms, a bathroom, a kitchen with a small dining area, and a salas. I had a lot of painful and good memories in the house, but honestly, I didn’t miss any of it.

Niyaya ko si mama na kumain. Although sinabi niya na magpapahinga siya, mukhang hindi pa rin siya nakatulog. Bakas ko pa ang eyebags sa mata niya at ang ngayo’y namamaga niya na mukha. Her lips were swollen too.

“Huwag mo ako’ng tingnan ng ganiyan,” panimula niya. “Alam mo naman na hindi ko kayang gawin ang gusto mo.”

Napabuntong-hininga ako sa sinabi niya. Paulit-ulit na lamang kami.

“Alam mo naman ang tito Gino mo, mabait naman ‘yon,” pagtatanggol niya kay Gino. Tiningnan ko lamang siya nang taimtim. I wanted her to look at herself in the mirror at saka niya sabihin sa sarili niya at kay Gino na mabait ‘yung tao.

My mother and I shared many similarities, yet we remained distinct individuals. Neither of us truly understood the nature of nurturing love that fosters growth; instead, we gravitated towards love marked by scars, believing it was the only kind that suited us. We were both unaware of our worth. My mother, accustomed to surviving amidst violence, mistakenly equated it with love, believing it to be her destined reality. Meanwhile, I experienced moments of tranquility but dismissed them, convinced that chaos was my only familiar terrain, and peace was a luxury beyond my reach.

So when Khal introduced me to the sensation of peace, it frightened me.

I may have been naive before, but I've grown since then. I made a promise to myself not to repeat my mother's experience, so I resolved to reclaim my peace at all costs.

I would get Khal back in my life… no matter what.