In Between The Lines

Simula

Magulo ang loob ng bahay nang makauwi ako mula sa school. I can hear my parents shouting at each other in their bedroom. Ang mga gamit sa kusina ay nagkalat sa sahig at basag ang mga plato at baso.

“Sige! Umalis ka! Sumama ka sa babae mo! Tangina mo, Abel!”

Narinig ko ang boses ni Mama kasabay ang lagabog ng kung ano. Lumabas ako ng kusina ngunit wala pa ring tao sa sala. Nasa loob pa rin sila ng kwarto at nagsisigawan.

Babae? Si Papa?

“Hindi ko na matiis ang ugali mo, Lara! Kung hindi dahil sa anak ko ay matagal na kitang iniwan!” Sigaw naman ni Papa.

Ano ba ang nangyayari? Bakit nila sinisigawan ang isa’t isa? Iiwan? Aalis?

“Huwag mong idamay dito si Lauren! Wala siyang kinalaman sa kababuyan mo!”

I have witnessed everything about my parents. This is one of them. May pagkakataon na palagi silang nag-aaway. Pero hindi ko magawang tanggapin na ang pagaaway na ito ay kaakibat ng pagloloko ni Papa. Sa mga narinig ko, gustong umalis ni Papa. Iiwan niya kami. Iiwan niya ako.

“Ang anak ko… kawawa ang anak natin, Abel. Ano na lang ang sasabihin niya kapag nalaman niya ito? Bakit mo ito nagawa sa amin?” Sumunod ang hagulhol ni Mama. Hindi ko na rin napigilan ang sariling mga luha ngunit walang hikbing lumalabas.

Natulala akong nakatingin sa kanilang pintuan habang unti unting isinuksok sa aking isipan ang tungkol sa lahat. Hindi ko magawang humakbang o lumingon sa kung saan. Sigurado akong kahit ang mga kapitbahay namin ay naririnig ito.

“Saan ba ako nagkulang? Saang parte ng relasyon natin ako nagkamali? Abel… huwag mo kaming iwan. Kakalimutan ko… hindi ko na isusumbat ang babae mo. Please… please, Abel, don’t…”

I already know that there is no perfect family. All have flaws and insecurities.

Hearing my mother begging and crying right now, makes me want to run and embrace her. She is suffering from this betrayal. My father has a woman. I still cannot accept it. I don’t want to believe it.

“Bakit ngayon pa? Lauren… she is only twelve.” Pumiyok si Mama sa huli niyang salita.

“Enough of this, Lara. I am leaving you. I’m sorry for everything.” Papa said calmly.

The knob turned and the door opened harshly. Papa came out with large bags on both of his hands. His eyes were red and widened. Natigilan siya sa paghakbang ng makita niya akong nakatayong naguugat ang mga paa kasabay ang paglingkis ni Mama sa kanyang binti.

“No… no, no, please. Don’t leave me, Abel. I’m sorry. I’m sorry kung ano man ang naging kasalanan at pagkukulang ko… Babawi ako- no! I will be better. I will love you continuously kahit na sinaktan mo ako. Kakalimutan ko ang lahat…”

I cannot look at my mother.

Why does she beg like that? Why is she saying sorry? Sino ba ang may kasalanan?

“Let me go, Lara.” Papa’s firm voice made her cry even more.

My lips parted while tears were escaping on my cheeks. I cannot make a sound. I don’t know how. I’m too shocked to witness this. I have never seen Mama beg like this to anyone. I know her. She’s stern and confident. She’s too noble to act like this.

Pinipilit ni Papa na humakbang ngunit humihigpit ang yakap ni Mama sa kanyang binti. Her eyes were closed and her head was down, that's why she cannot see me right now. Nakaluhod ito sa sahig habang sumasabog ang mahaba nitong buhok sa kanyang mukha. Tumingala si Papa, uttering words I cannot hear then look at me with weary eyes.

“Lara…” he called. With firmness. Parang hindi na niya kayang maging malambot kay Mama.

“Please, Abel…” Mama whispered with a hoarse tone. I can hear tiredness from her voice.

She’s tired and hurt. I can see that.

She's too heartbroken to even move like me.

She is being dragged while my father tries to take a step again. This time, she let herself.

“Mama…” I said it out loud when it’s supposed to be in my head only.

She slowly opened her eyes but didn’t look at me. Her grip on my father’s leg loosened until it fell to the ground. He used that opportunity to walk towards my direction. Binaba niya ang mga bag na dala at lumuhod sa harap ko.

My father is tall and if he doesn't kneel, he will be towering me. He met my eyes and saw him clenching his jaw. Lips parting and closing trying to find words.

I glanced at my mother who’s still kneeling on the cold tiled floor. Head down and sobbing quietly.

I felt my father’s hands slowly reaching my wrists making me look at him. His eyes were red but I didn’t see any tears. I could say that he didn’t even shed one.

“I’m sorry, anak. I have to leave.” He kissed both of my knuckles.

He always tells me he loves me and Mama.

Then why does he want to leave this family?

“Why?” I asked.

I wanted answers. Kahit alam kong masasaktan ako sa katotohanan. Gusto kong malaman kung bakit ganito ang nadatnan ko. I want answers on why Mama is like that. I want answers on why Papa has to pack his bags and leave.

“I… I have to. I don’t have a reason to stay here any longer. I’m sorry to do this.”

No reason to stay? What about me? What about Mama?

“H-hindi mo na ba kami mahal, Papa?” I am hurt by my own question. Sting of pain flashes on my head.

Mama bawls.

“I love you, Lauren. Don’t ever think that I didn’t love you.” Agap ni Papa.

“Kung mahal mo ako, bakit ka pa aalis? Bakit mo sinasaktan si Mama? Bakit mo kami iiwan? Why do you have babae? Are we not enough?” Sunod sunod kong tanong. I am eager to find my answers.

Mahigpit ang hawak ko sa painting na dala.

Ginawa ko ito kanina sa school.

Plano ko pa sana ipakita kay Papa at Mama—dahil sila ang iniisip ko habang pinipinta ito.

Sa kalahating cardboard ko lang ito ginawa, pero buo ang damdaming nilagay ko.

Isang batang babae ang nasa gitna ng larawan, nakaupo sa damuhan. Tahimik siyang nakadungaw sa isang makinang na bulaklak—ang kaisa-isang kulay sa malawak na espasyo ng luntian.

Ang batang babae ay ako.

At ang bulaklak… iyon ang pag-asang sana'y muling mamulaklak ang pamilyang gustong-gusto kong buuin.

In the end, my father still left us.

I may be twelve years old but I can understand these things already. I have my own judgment and can make up my mind already. I can know what’s right and wrong.

During his marriage to Mama, he met another woman. I do not want to know who and how. Mama keeps on apologizing and begging like it is her fault. She is faithful and loyal, I vouched for that. Mama is very hands on in this family and I can see that she really loves my father.

Mama comes from a well off family owning hectares of land of palm trees, producing palm oils. She is the youngest and already set her mind that she will not have any inheritance once he marries my father. My father doesn’t come from riches. He is a hardworking provider. Kailan man, kahit na hindi kami mayaman ay hindi nagkulang ang mga magulang ko na mapunan ang mga pangangailangan ko. Not until now.

Apparently, my father has loaned a large sum of money. Kahit iniwan na kami ni Papa ay hindi niya dinala ang problemang ito. As they are not yet divorced, Mama is obligated to contribute as a co-payer according to the policy of the bank.

Bago ako matulog ay naaabutan ko si Mama na nakaharap sa kanyang laptop at nakaupo sa dining area. Minsan may katawagan at minsan naman ay naluluha na lamang habang malungkot na tinitingnan ang screen ng laptop.

“Papa, I already told you, kaya ko ito. I do not need your help! This is between me and Abel.” She is probably talking to lolo again.

She does not want to accept help from her family. They are offering her money to help pay the loan but Mama is prideful.

“No, Papa. I can handle this. Hindi nyo kailangang problemahin ang anak ko. I can support her!”

She is a housewife. Simula nang magpakasal sila ng tatay ko ay hindi na nagtrabaho pa si Mama. That’s why she’s very hands on to this family and household. I never thought that we could have this kind of problem. My father was very clever in masking everything.

Her sisters sometimes visit her at home at naabutan ko silang ganito rin ang pinag uusapan. It’s been months since he left and it was horrible.

“Anong ibabayad niya? Hindi na nga sapat ang kinikita niya sa trabaho para lamang masuportahan kayong dalawa!” Tita Lyra said, Mama eldest sister.

“I didn’t know about this loan. Hindi ko nga nakita ang perang ito! One point six million. Saan na niya dinala ito?”

A million? Ganoon kalaki ang perang inutang ni Papa?

“We can help you with this, Lara. Kahit para na lang kay Lauren. Tutulungan ka namin na pagaralin siya habang nagtatrabaho ka para mabayadan ang utang na ito.” Tita Lecia said, Mama middle sister.

All of them are married and have a family of their own.

“Stop, ate. Ilang beses ko bang sasabihin na hindi namin kailangan ng tulong niyo?”

“Matigas ang ulo mo. Hindi mo naman kailangang sarilihin ang problema mo. You still have your inheritance. Ayaw mo lang kunin.”

“I never wanted that! I sacrificed that because of Abel! Because I love him and I want to marry him. Papa didn’t approve of our marriage, that's why I left!”

“So if you ask me again about that inheritance, it’s gone. I will never accept that or your help.”

She left everything she had because of a man. She loves and gives love but all she receives in return is pain.

I graduated in Elementary and we celebrated it by eating at my favorite restaurant. Kami lang dalawa ni Mama. Hindi ako pinuntahan ng tatay ko o tumawag man lang para kamustahin ako. We get along without him. And I guess we will continue to get on to forgetting about him.

Mama looked at me with a smile on her lips while eyes were weary and full of sorrow. Pinagmamasdan niya ako habang inuubos ko ang pasta sa plato ko.

“Congratulations, anak.” She said.

“Thank you, Mama.”

She handed me a small box. And I realized it is a brand new phone!

“You will need that since you will be in High School. So I bought it.”

My eyes didn’t want to leave the thing on my table as I hurriedly unboxed it to see the phone inside. Oh my, this is a brand new model of IPhone! It’s expensive!

“Mama, thank you but you did not have to buy me the latest model. I am fine with smaller and cheaper ones.”

Where did she get the money to buy this?

She got a job as an admin to a hospital. It’s a minimum wage job but we can survive. She has a lot on her plate right now, especially the loan. I’m just worried that she will prioritize this gift over that.

“Don’t worry about that, Lauren. I can handle everything, okay? I just want to give you a gift since you deserve it.” She smiled.

I stood and walked toward her to give her a hug from behind. I wrapped my arms gently to her neck and kissed her cheek three times.

“I love you, Mama. Thank you for everything…”

She patted my arms that were wrapped against her neck and kissed it.

“I know that it's been horrible and painful months for the both of us. But I want you to know that I am here. I will never leave you, mommy.” My voice cracked but I tried to not break a tear. Mama needs someone strong by her side.

I thought of ways on how I can help Mama. Bakasyon ko ngayon sa eskwela at kakatapos lang ng graduation. It will be a two month break before the school year starts again.

It’s already midnight at bumaba ako ng kusina para uminom ng tubig. Mama is still there with a mug in front of her. It must be her nightly cup of tea. In her silk robe flowing until her feet. She looked at something in front while crossing her arms at the kitchen counter.

“Mama?” I called her.

She turned to me.

“Lauren, bakit gising ka pa?” Umayos na siya ngayon ng pagkakatayo at sumimsim sa kanyang tasa.

“Iinom lang po ng tubig…” Nilapitan ko siya.

Kumuha naman siya ng baso mula sa cabinet at malamig na tubig mula sa fridge. Sinalinan niya ang baso bago bumalik sa counter para ibigay sa akin ang tubig.

“Have you already decided where you want to continue High School?” She asked.

Not yet.

Uminom muna ako bago ko siya sagutin.

“About that, Mama… I decided to stop muna. I want to help you pay this loan-”

“What are you talking about? At paano mo ako tutulungan? Magtatrabaho ka? You’re only a kid!”

I already know that this will be her reaction. I am not yet legal to work until I reach eighteen years old. But I wanted to help her. The more I see her struggling with this problem she didn’t even create, the more I want to help her.

“Papasok po akong katulong sa bahay ni Tita Lyra. I’m sure tatanggapin naman po niya ako.” I only thought about this now.

“What?! Titigil ka sa pag aaral para mamasukan na katulong? You will sacrifice your education just by being a maid?!”

“Wala naman pong masama dun, Mama. Marangal na trabaho naman po ang pagiging katulong.”

“It’s not because of that!” Her voice echoed in the whole kitchen. She closed her eyes firmly while hands were fisted on the counter.

“I know that you wanted to help me…” she looked at me intently. “You’re smart, you can already understand our situation. But…” she walked towards me while her robe sways as she moves. “I will not allow you to carry this burden, anak. This is between me and your stupid father. Labas ka dito.”

We are of the same height that’s why it is easy for me to level her eyes. They were full of sorrows and pain. They were dark and depressed. Mama has been keeping this to herself but I can feel it.

She held both my hands and kissed my knuckles.

“Gusto kong makapagtapos ka ng pag-aaral. Gusto ko na maging mabuti ang kinabukasan mo. You can help me by staying in school and doing well. Iyon lang ang hinihiling ko, anak. Iyon lang ang paraan para makatulong ka sa problemang ito.”

Ang kanyang mga mata ay nangungusap. Trying to convince me to stop my nonsense. Pero hindi ito nonsense. We are a family, Mama. We may lack a father but we are still whole as a family. You and me. Together in this life.

“Leave this to me, hmm? Mommy can handle it. You are still young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Iyon dapat ang pinagtutuunan mo ng pansin. Hindi ito.”

Ayon nga sa kagustuhan ni Mama, she accompanied me to enroll to the school I chose. Months before the enrollment, I prepared everything and all the necessary for the entrance exam. I passed and now here we are, waiting for our turn to go inside the registrar office.

It is a public High School that offers vocational courses. Hindi malaki ang tuition na ilalabas ni Mama at nakasisiguro ko naman na hindi rin naman magiging magastos ang buong anim na taon ko dito. May mga kasabay akong nag enroll din at talagang marami ang gustong makapasok sa eskwelahang ito.

After enrollment, bumista naman kami kay Tita Lyra. She invited us for lunch at their house.

“Congratulations nga pala, Lauren. Hindi nasabi ng Mama mo sa akin na nakapagtapos ka na ng elementary.” Tita Lyra said.

“We didn’t have a celebration, ate. We just ate at her favorite restaurant.” Sumagot naman si Mama.

“Fine, sige. Tell me what you need this coming school year. Iyon ang ireregalo ko sayo.”

I looked at Mama first to gain her approval. Alam kong ayaw niya na basta basta akong tatanggap ng regalo mula sa kanila. It’s not because of pride, she just wanted me to learn not to expect anything from them when I want to. She just shrugged her shoulders and smiled at me.

“Kahit ano na lang po, Tita. I will be in grade seven pa naman. I don’t think I will need much.” I said.

“I’ll just go to the restroom…” Mama excused herself.

Nang makaalis si Mama sa hapag ay aagad kong binalingan si Tita. Wala dito ang asawa niya dahil nasa trabaho, ang kanyang anak naman ay nasa school. Tanging kaming tatlo lamang ang nasa hapag bukod sa mga katulong na nasa loob ng kitchen.

“Tita, I’m planning to sell some of my paintings.”

She turned to me in awe.

“It’s not something like some of the other renowned painters. Pero baka magustuhan pa rin naman po ng mga bibili. May kakilala po na kayo?”

Yes, I paint. That’s my way of expressing what I feel. I have made several pieces already.

“What do you mean? You are good! And of course I know plenty! Panigurado din ako na magugustuhan nila mga paintings mo. If I like it, they will like it too.” That flatters me.

“Talaga po? Pero can we make it a secret? Ayaw ko pong malaman ni Mama na ibebenta ko mga paintings ko. I’m planning to collect the money to give it to her.” I’m still thinking kung paano ko mabibigay ang perang maiipon ko kay Mama without her suspecting me. I thought about it last night when I looked at some of my paintings in my room. I could use my art to collect money.

“Of course, hija. Your mom is just prideful. She thinks she can handle everything when we all know she can’t. And I will help you.”

I’ve already arranged all my paintings in my mind. Separating them on how much I will price them to sell. It’s not much since I will only be starting. But this is the only way I know to help Mama.