Our Mental Polarity

Chapter Eleven

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Sa hindi mabilang na pagkakataon, nagbuntong hininga ako. Hindi ko alam, wala na akong magawa kun’di ilabas ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko sa buntong hininga. Napakabigat ng nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko pa rin malimutan ang bawat salitang binitawan ni Dalton—tila mga punyal na sumaksak sa dibdib ko.

Malalim na ang gabi. Tulog na ang buong bayan ngunit ako ay tila nakikipagpuyatan sa mga bituin. Ang diwa ko’y lumulutang sa kawalan at sa hindi maabot tanaw na kalawakan. Narito ako sa labas at nakaupo sa isang tabi. Naghihintay ng biyaya ng langit. Kahit kaunting gaan lang ng loob, kahit kaunti. I scoffed. Siguro hindi lang talaga ito ang araw ko, kagaya ng palagi kong sinasabi—lilipas din ‘to. Hindi ko nga lang alam kung kailan.

Kinabukasan, araw ng lunes ay wala akong balak bumangon. Wala naman akong naka-schedule na raket kaya hindi na ako nag-abalang gumising nang maaga. May pagkain pa naman sa hapag dahil pareho kami ni Dalton na hindi na kumain kagabi. On top of all, hindi ko pa talaga kaya ang bumangon. Hanggang ngayon ay mabigat ang pakiramdam ko at bahagya lamang ang nagawa kong tulog last night.

10am na nang pilitin ko ang sarili ko na bumangon at iayos ang sarili ko. Nang mapansin ang dalawang message sa phone ko ay mabilis na binasa ko ito. Ang isa ay galing kay Sheki, sinabi niyang bukas na magsisimula ulit ang duty ko sa flower shop. Ang pangalawang message naman ay si Airon,

Good morning, Aeshia :) I love you.

Bahagya akong napangiti ngunit hindi ako nag-abalang mag-reply.

Wala bang good morning din d’yan?

Nagtaka ako bigla at napaisip. Paano niya nalamang nabasa ko na ang message niya at sinadya kong hindi mag-reply?

Hello? Sabi ko kung wala bang good morning din d’yan?

Nagulat akong muli sa sinabi niya. Nasa gitna ako ng malalim na pag-iisip nang biglang mag-vibrate muli ang cellphone ko, indikasyon ng panibagong message.

Tawag ako ha, gusto ko marinig boses mo.

Sa mga pagkakataong iyon ay tuluyan na akong nilamon ng pagkalito. Anong nangyayari sa lalaking ‘to? Hindi ganito ang Airon na kilala ko.

Ilang sandali pa ay biglang nag-ring ang cellphone ko. Tumatawag siya. Nag-aalangan man nang una ay sinagot ko ito ngunit hindi agad nagsalita.

Wala ring nagsalita sa kabilang linya.

“Hello?” nag-aalangang tanong ko nang matagl-tagal na ring walang umiimik sa kabilang linya.

“Sampung libo! Sabihin mo, salamat shopee. Kilala mo ba ako?”

“Hindi,” diretsong sagot ko.

“Itchaprankkk!!!”

Nang marinig ang mga katagang iyon ay mabilis kong ibinaba ang tawag at ni-check ang number nito.

Si Almyra…

Hindi ko na napansin dahil sa dami ng mga tumatakbo sa isip ko. At hindi ko na rin nagawang mag-react. Ang aga-aga, umaandar na naman ang kalokohan ng luka.

Several minutes then passed and I tried seeking for Dalton’s presence, yet he’s nowhere to be found. The ambiance in this house… I never felt like this before. The weight of the wind lies on my shoulder making it heavier every single beat of second. Even the chirping of birds outside, there’s no more sounds of nostalgia. Everything just makes me feel like I am a single dot in the middle of a crumpled blank piece of paper.

I just found myself still alone—finding a way back to the process. I am now sitting on a huge rock at the seaside where I usually spend time with no one. Also the exact same place where someone captured my vulnerable side, literally, when Airon took a photo of me the first time. The sun wasn’t up high, I can actually barely see it. Perhaps lying underneath the clouds, hiding behind dark pieces of sorrow…like me?

“Nah.” I smiled sarcastically. “Ano namang connect ng makulimlim na panahon sa nararamdaman ko? Ano ako, gold para mag-adjust pati panahon?”

Napatawa ako. Pati sarili ko ay kinakausap ko na. Ganoon na ba ako ka-mag-isa? Kung sa bagay, minsan mahalaga rin na nakakausap natin ang sarili natin, self-therapy.

Minsan pa, yumuko ako. Inindayog ko ang aking magkabilang binti habang nakatingin sa tubig. Sa aking repleksyon ay nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataon masilayan ang aking mukha. Ang mga buhok kong hinahampas ng may kalakasang hangin ay sumasayaw at ang mga ngiti ko na unti-unting naglalaho kasabay ng pagbagsak ng dalawang dulo ng aking labi. Pati ang aking mga mata na siyang may hawak ng lahat—ang katotohanan ng aking mga itinatagong emosyon.

Suminghap ako ng hangin. Bakit kahit ilang beses kong kumbinsihin ang sarili ko ay hindi ko magawang kumalma? Napakabigat pa rin ng aking nadarama, hindi ko na alam. Marahil may mga oras talaga na hindi na natin magagawang lokohin pa ating sarili.

“Argh!!!” Napahilamos ako sa mukha ko. “Sa tagal kong naglalakbay hindi ko na namalayang nawala na ako. Maybe it’s a sign na hindi sa lahat ng panahon dapat papasulong. Sometimes… perhaps we have to step back and look around to see occurences as guidelines. But it’s too late, Aeshia.” I chuckled sarcastically. “You’re already lost.”

“And now you’re found,” said by a voice from behind.

I wasn’t immediately able to look back as I was completely shocked. I then lifted my head up while contemplating who the owner of a little familiar voice is.

“So, this is why you are not answering all my calls?” he asked. “Huh, Aeshia?”

I looked back in instant. There, presence of a tall, muscled tan man met my eyes. His eyes looked a bit worrying yet had more of comforting aura.

“Aeshia,” he repeated.

Sa kung anong kadahilanan ay hindi ko nagawang kumilos kaagad. Tila napako ako sa kinauupuan ko at ang utak ko’y naglayag sa kawalan.

“You are indeed lost.” He sighed. “Certainly.”

The moment my mind was able to process who the man talking was, I contemplated of words to utter, panicking.

“S-Sorry. M-medyo magulo lang pag-iisip ko at this moment,” I said.

Still my mind in nuisance, I was about to stand up when he gently patted my shoulder.

“You don’t have to stand up.” He suppressed me. “’Cause I will join you there.”

“Huh?” naguguluhang tanong ko. “Teka nga, bakit ka nandito? Anong kailangan mo? May sasabihin ka bang mahalaga? Paano mo nalaman na nandito ako? Hindi naman sa tinatarayan kita pero—” Natigilan ako sa sinabi ko.

He smiled, if it was sarcastic or not, I can’t distinguish.

“Sorry, A—"

“It’s okay,” he halted me. “I see you’re really in blues lately. You need someone talk to, don’t you?” I looked at him. “Hmm?”

Hesitation was visible on my face. I wanted to say yes in instant but something stopped me.

“We’re out of work, I am offering as a friend.”

He smiled, giving me consideration to trust him.

“Attorney…”

“Alistair Jake Shim. You know my name, might as well use it, Aeshia.”

“Yeah, we’re out of work, you’re right.”

“So where do you want to begin with?” he asked.

“Hindi ko alam. I don’t know what to open up for I can’t even tell what I’m feeling, in the first place.” I sighed.

He didn’t respond yet he seemed bothered with what I just said.

“Alam mo ‘yong feeling na…” I shortly halted. “You want to tell someone about how heavy you feel, how huge your baggage is and you want to scream all your burdens out pero… pero hindi mo alam kung paano just because ikaw sa sarili mo hindi mo matukoy kung ano ba ‘yong concrete burden na dinadala mo,” I said as I started to feel something heavy in my chest. “That emotion that we just can’t express into words because it’s known yet still undiscovered.”

“Known yet still undiscovered?” he repeated, clarifying.

I nodded.

“Yeah.” I sighed. “It’s known. Everyone feels like this pero wala pa ring exact words to make it distinct.”

“Baka kasi that feeling is not just a feeling. Emotions, stress and its effects—all in one, I guess.”

“I don’t know. The only choice left is to let time heal it,” I uttered with a heavy breath following.

“Time won’t heal it, you will.”

“Eh?”

He nodded as he bit a little of his lower lip.

“Time may pass, but your pain won’t go with it. You need to do something to heal yourself. May it be letting go, acceptance or whatever treatment your feelings are looking for, do it… for yourself,” Jake muttered, his eyes comforting me.

For countless times, I tried to let silence heal my soul. There were no sounds but the whispering breeze and the songs of seagulls. My eyes were closed, tearing up inside.

“What brought you here, by the way?” I turned to him.

“Hinahanap kasi kita,” he answered.

“Bakit mo nga ako hinahanap?”

“Kasi wala ka sa bahay niyo.”

“Bakit ka pumunta ro’n?” tanong ko ulit.

“Kasi nga hinahanap kita.”

“Bakit mo nga ako hinahanap?” He didn’t answer. “Jake?”

He looked away a bit.

I held his shoulder. He then looked at me, surprised.

“Hmm?”

I smiled sarcastically.

“Don’t mind it, Aeshia.”

“I insist,” I said. “Saka, I know you, you won’t waste your time para sa wala. Gold ka kaya.”

“Fine.” He sighed. “I will tell you why, but promise me a thing.”

“What is it?”

“Say promise, muna.”

“Why would I say promise kung hindi ko pa alam kung ano ba talaga ipapangako ko?”

“Just say promise, Aeshia,” he insisted.

“No, tell me first what it is.”

“Fine, promise me you won’t get upset with what I’ll be telling you.”

“What would you tell me ba?”

“Basta.”

“Basta? Ano ba kasi ‘yan—”

“Basta say promise,” he cut me.

“Oo na, para matunawan ka. I promise I won’t get upset whatever you tell me.” I even raised my right hand.

He smiled.

“Now, what is it you think will upset me?” I asked.

“The opposition…” he shortly halted. “They replaced their previous defender after framing that old defender up evidence tampering when in fact they just found less possibility of winning with him,” he explained, seemed distracted.

I laughed.

“That’s it? Why would I get upset? Wouldn’t it be more fun to win against who they think will defeat us?”

Yet he didn’t seem happy with what I said.

“Don’t tell me… natatakot ka? Attorney Aussie, natatakot ka?” I continued to jokingly mock him.

“No, you don’t understand, Aeshia. Iyong ipinalit nila…” I raised my eyebrow anticipating what he’ll say. “Si Ethan Luiz, Martyn’s cousin.