Rose-Colored Metamorphoses

CHAPTER 5

Nagising ako sa campus hospital na namamaga ang kaliwang pisngi at may bukol sa noo. Si Akiara ang unang-una kong napansin sa loob ng kuwarto ko dahil maliban sa siya lang ang tao doon, nakatulog na siya sa kanyang kinauupuan sa tabi ng hospital bed na kinahihigaan ko. Medyo nakapatong ang ulo niya sa kaliwa kong kamay. Nakaharap sa akin ang mukha niya na parang may bahid pa ng luha. Maamo ang mukha niya na nakapikit at tila tinamaan ng matinding kapaguran.Dahan-dahan akong napangiti sa nakita ko. Angtahimik ni Akiara. At hindi na ako magsisinungngaling, maganda siya.

Nagulat ako sa kanya nang bigla na lang siyang pumasok sa buhay ko at nag-umpisang guluhin ako o hindi naman kaya ay sundan ako kahit saan. Aaminin ko na noong una, naiinis ako dahil ayoko ngang makihalubilo sa mga tao dahil na rin sa SPD ko pero napansin ko nalang ang sarili ko na unti-unting hinahayaan siya na manatili. Kahit na anong sabihin sa kanya ng ibang tao tungkol sa akin, patuloy pa rin siyang sumusulpot sa tabi ko, like a freaking mushroom.

Ayoko lang naman na maulit sa kanya yung mga nangyari noon na naging dahilan bakit naging ganito ako. She's nice and delicate. There's a part of me that starts to trust her more, but I don't want to make her cry because of me.

Naramdaman niya siguro ang paggalaw ko dahil maya-maya ay naalimpungatan siya. Dahan-dahang dumilat ang kanyang mga mata at nag-uunat siyang dumiretso ng upo. Pagkatapos ay tumingin siya sa akin at ngumiti.

"Konnichiwa. Maayos na ba ang pakiramdam mo, Xavier-kun?"

(Trans.: Konnichiwa means "Good Afternoon")

"Well, masakit ang kaliwa kong panga at ang ulo ko pero maayos naman ang pakiramdam ko maliban doon. You don't have to worry about it anymore, it's not your fault."

Lumapit siya sa akin at medyo hinawi ang buhok kong tumatabon sa noo ko at tinignan iyon. "Alam mo, medyo malakas yung pagtama ng ulo mo sa upuan kaya siguro nawalan ka ng malay kanina. Pero don't worry, sabi ni Otto-sama, hindi naman daw malala. Makakauwi ka na kapag dumating na yung parents mo or guardian para sunduin ka."

(Trans.: Otto-san or Otto-sama means " Father " or "Daddy")

Napakunot-noo ako. "O-otto-sama?"

She smiled timidly. "Yeah,my father. He runs this hospital. Kaya nga kami nalipat sa Philippines, remember?"

I just nodded kahit na hindi ko maalala na may binanggit siya tungkol doon. Most of the time when she talks, tahimik lang ako pero madalas ay lumulutang ang utak ko. Natahimik kami pareho.

"Anyway Xavier-kun, na-suspend for three days yung lalaking sumuntok sa'yo. Turns out na kakagaling niya palang sa guidance and received his last warning then he saw you and punched you. He got suspended for real. "

Hindi ako kumibo.

"Xavier naman. Huwag kang makikipag-away ulit, okay? Nakakatakot ka. Running for valedictorian ka pa naman," she said. Nakatingin siya sa sahig at namumula ang kanyang pisngi na parang papaiyak na naman.

Psh, crybaby talaga nito.

"Paano kung hindi ka na nagising, ha? Paano kung mas malala yung ginawa n'on sa'yo? E 'di namatay ka?"

Mahina akong tumawa. "Ang crybaby mo naman, Akiara."

Sinamaan niya ako ng tingin. "Crybaby ka d'yan! Paano kung nagkatotoo yung sinabi ko, ha?"

"E 'di okay. I'm not scared to die, anyway. Lahat naman namamatay. Everyone leaves."

Yumuko siya. Her shoulders are shaking. Mahigpit ang pagkakahawak niya sa laylayan ng palda niya.

"Hey, Matsubara. I already told you, remember? Don't involve yourself with me. Baka ma-disappoint ka lang. I'm not kind, I'm not someone you thought. G*go ako. Dep*ta ako. Tar*ntado ako. Barumbado ako. Kaya nga it's better for me to stay away from crowds, right? Please don't involve yourself with me. "

She started to whisper. Palakas nang palakas. " Screw you! I'm not going to leave you, Xavier-kun! You call me idiot, but I'm not going to leave, because I know you needed someone too. Everyone needs someone. No one can live alone. And if someone can live life alone, they are complete d*ckheads!"

I laughed. " Then I'm a dickhead. "

She looked at me. " I'm gonna prove you everyday that no one can live alone, Xavier-kun. And besides, we're friends already, okay? "

I looked away. " Whatever. Do whatever you want. Papahirapan mo lang sarili mo."

Around 6 PM na ako nakauwi ng bahay. Sinundo ako ni Mama at ng driver. Pagkabukas ko ng pinto, sinalubong ako ni Papa, galit na galit.

" John Xavier Ramirez Mendoza ! 'Yan ba ang tamang gawin sa loob ng school? Makipagbasag-ulo? Gusto mo bang patayin kami ng Mama mo sa pag-aalala?"

I didn't answered back. Pagod ako. Not physically, but emotionally, pagod na pagod na ako kay Dad. He's cold to us pero kapag nagkakamali ako, para na lang siyang bulkan na bigla na lang sumasabog at ibinubuhos lahat ng galit sa akin.

" Jonathan! Hindi ang anak mo ang nag-umpisa ng gulo! He was punched!"

"'Yan sige, kampihan mo pa! Kaya tumitigas ang ulo e!" sabi niya bago nagsindi ng sigarilyo.

Napahawak si Mama sa sentido niya at hinilot iyon nang dahan-dahan.

"Alam mo, Jonathan? Hindi ko malaman kung paano mo nasisikmura na sabihin sa akin 'yan. Buong linggo kang hindi umuwi ng bahay, para lang ipaalala ko sa'yo! Para ngang nakalimutan mo na na may pamilya ka rito, e! Tapos sasabihin mo, kinakampihan ko si Xavier? E umuuwi ka lang naman para punahin ang pagkakamali ng anak mo! Alam mo naman na mas makakasama 'yon sa kondisyon niya, mas lalo siyang lalayo sa tao! Pero anong ginagawa mo? Pinapalala mo pa! "

" B*llshit! What do you call that again? Schizoid Personality Disorder? Ha! Ang sabihin mo, maarte lang talaga 'yang anak mong 'yan! Masyado mo kasing na-baby! " sigaw ni Papa. Dinuro-duro niya si Mama. I can see anger in Mama's face. But I wasn't shocked when she slapped Papa. His cigarette fell on the floor as his cheek receive the hard slap from my mother's raging hand.

Natahimik ang lahat. Yung sigaw ni Papa, mabigat na paghinga ni Mama, lahat. But that calmness is not because of peace. It's because everyone's reached their limit.

"Jonathan Mendoza, if you're just going to blame me for everything, then let's just file an annulment. I can raise Xavier on my own. Hindi namin kailangan ng padre de pamilya na katulad mo. You know what? For twenty years being married to you, I had enough... " Mama's voice is trailing off. " I have loved you from the bottom of my heart and I almost gave everything to you... Do you even remember how you promised me that you're going to take care of Xavier and me? How you promised me that no matter what happens, you'll never change? Where's your promise, Jonathan? "

That's the first time I've seen my father's face softened. Napayuko siya. Ang mga nangangalit na ugat sa leeg at braso ng ama ko ay biglang nawala. 

" We just got married and you weren't like that but when you inherited your father's business you started to change. You hardly even stare at your son. You always forget special occasions. You can even forget that you have a wife and son. Now Jonathan, tell me. Do you deserve to be called a father? A husband? Natiis ko nga na parang walang asawa sa loob ng labingwalong taon, why can't I for the rest of my life? And you still have the guts to tell me that I spoiled Xavier. No, Jonathan. I didn't. You just don't understand your child because you're always away from your own family. I've had enough. I'm tired."  Father's still silent, like being slapped numerous times. Mama, on the other hand, started to cry. Akmang huhubarin niya ang wedding ring nila ni Papa nang bigla siyang pigilan nito.

"Julienne, please..." Halos magkandaluhod na si Papa sa harap ni Mama. Mama's looking down on him, matigas ang loob. She looked at me who's just standing right there, watching them. She timidly smiled.

"Xavier, go to your room now."

I followed her command. I took my backpack and headed straight to the stairs. I can still hear my father's pleas to her. But just as how silent my mother is, she didn't replied. Maybe Papa realized that their marriage is on the rocks now. And now he realized that he still loves Mama like before. Or maybe not.

People really keep on taking everything for granted. Por que parang hindi nasasaktan, por que hindi kumikibo, por que hindi umaalis, they keep on neglecting something precious to them. Tapos kapag nawala, kapag nasira, marerealize nila na dapat pala pinahalagahan nila ito noon. But it's always a minute or two too late.

I don't feel anything. But at the same time, having the idea of my parents getting annulment, it really bothers me. Somehow as a kid, you still want to see your parents happy with each other, right? I've always hear Mama telling me how much she loves Papa ever since the day they first met, especially when I was a kid. But maybe my father really hit it low that my mother is now giving up on him.

Nang bumaba ako para maghapunan, they are both gone. I heard the door to the master's bedroom closed earlier, probably one of them went in there. And most probably, it's Mama. My father's car is still parked outside, indicating that he didn't left. He must be in the study or in the guest room.  Dumiretso ako sa kusina para kumuha ng pagkain. Nakita kong lumabas si Mama, galing sa bathroom. Kahit na namamaga ang kanyang mga mata, nginitian niya pa rin ako.

"Ma kain tayo," aya ko sa kanya. Matipid siyang ngumiti at kumuha rin ng sarili niyang pagkain. Pagkatapos ay umupo siya sa kabisera, sa kaliwa. Pagkatapos ng isang maikling panalangin, nag-umpisa na kaming kumain.

"Xavier, kumusta na ang panga mo at ulo? Hindi na ba masakit?" she asked.

"Maayos naman na po, Mama. Medyo masakit pa pero tolerable na naman na po."

Muling natahimik ang paligid. Nakatitig lang ako sa caldereta na nasa plato ko.

"Ma, I'm sorry," sabi ko.

Napatigil si Mama sa pagkain. Pagkatapos ay tumingin siya sa akin. 

"Sorry kasi emotionless ako. I couldn't even help you when Papa was shouting on you. I just don't feel anything. Pakiramdam ko tuloy ngayon napakawalang-kuwenta kong anak."

Ibinaba ni Mama ang kanyang kutsara at hinawakan ang kamay ko. Marahan niyang pinisil iyon. " Anak, I completely understand. Remember, the doctor explained to me everything. Don't worry. At saka anak, sorry din dahil iyon lang ang kaya kong gawin para ipagtanggol ka sa Papa mo," she said before smiling at me.

I shook my head."No Ma, you're my hero. Pero sana Ma, pag-isipan mo munang mabuti yung plano mong pakikipaghiwalay kay Papa. I knew you still love him deeply. Ayoko naman po na ako ang maging dahilan para maghiwalay kayo."

"Anak, sometimes you just have to release everything. Kanina I really lost my cool and started shouting and slapping your father. But to be honest, I still love him as much as I love you. Ayoko lang na dahil lang hindi niya maintindihan yung kalagayan mo, 'yang Schizoid Personality Disorder mo, e kailangan niya nang i-blame ang ibang tao. Wala namang gumusto sa atin nito,'di ba?"

" Pero Ma, bakit kaya ako? " I asked her out of the blue. "Why of all people, it has to be me?"

"Hindi ba, sabi nila kapag daw tinibag ka ng Diyos, kapag sinaktan ka o hindi sinunod ang hiling mo, its because He's putting you under character development or He has better plans for you?"

I nodded.

"Anak, pasasaan ba at magiging ayos din ang lahat? Maybe not now, maybe tomorrow. Or next week. Or next month. Who knows? Basta magiging maayos din ang lahat, tiwala lang dapat sa Kanya."

I smiled. "Yes, Mama."

Binitawan niya ang kamay ko. "O siya, siya, kumain ka na. Para naman makapagpahinga ka at may pasok ka pa bukas. Mahirap na at baka tanghaliin ka pa."

Magana akong kumain kasabay si Mama. Pagkatapos ay iniligpit ko ang pinagkainan namin at iniwan sa mga maids upang hugasan. Agad akong nag-toothbrush at nagpunta na sa kuwarto ko.

Bago ako matulog, sumagi sa isip ko si Akiara at si Mama. Dalawang babaeng kakaiba ang takbo ng utak. But I am thankful for them. For staying and trying to understand me in this world full of bullshit.