Denying Destiny

21 Questions

He drove to a famous ramen place in Makati and we stood in line to order. Buti nalang konti lang yung tao waiting to be seated since sobrang late na nitong lunch namin.

He ordered first and looked at me. "Mag order ka na." He gestured while opening his wallet. "No. I'll pay for mine." Inirapan nya ko. "Ako nagyaya, of course I'm paying." He chuckled. Namula nanaman ako sa hiya. "Bilisan mo Stace, mukhang gutom na yung nasa likod mo." He whispered to me and I froze.

Tangina! I had a big lump on my throat. He shouldn't do that! Yung basta basta nalang bumubulong sakin. Para akong maheheart attack. I slowed down my heart rate then quickly gave my order and he paid for everything. "Thank you." Nahihiya kong sabi sakanya. "No problem." He gave me his boyish smile.

I decided to sit down sa benches sa labas while we waited for our seats.

Sumunod sya kung saan ako umupo then tumabi sakin. "After dito, mag aaral ka ulit?" He asked. "Alam mo naman yung sagot e." Iniwasan ko yung tingin nya kasi nakaka distract lang talaga. But I smiled looking at the raindrops. I didn't have to look at him para malaman that he's wearing yung pamilyar nyang ngiti.

I hated myself dahil parang nakikilala ko na sya. Somehow I can feel kung kelan sya ngumingiti at kung anong itsura ng ngiti nya. Di ko alam kung dahil ba predictable lang sya or napapansin ko lang talaga sya.

Pero pwede naman kaming maging friends diba? I'm friends with Attorney Lopez, so bakit hindi pwede sa kanya? Dahil sya si Killian? I thought I didn't believe in hula? So why am I too conscious about it? I shouldn't care if sya si Killian or not. I repeated to myself over and over again.

Yeah, wala namang masama if maging magkaibigan kami. I don't think he's the type to favor students anyway. And with my track record in Civ, walang magugulat sa magiging grade ko don. Yabang. I mean papasa ako. Yabang pa rin.

"So, bakit law school?" He asked me, interrupting my internal debate whether ok ba kaming maging friends or not. "Di ko nga alam e. It was some silly childhood dream that Lian and I had like nung grade school pa kami. Her dad is a lawyer and I thought it sounded respectable at that time to have an 'Attorney' na nakakabit sa pangalan mo." I shook my head remembering na it was really silly.

Siguro kung nalaman namin at that time kung paano kami naghihirap ngayon, baka nagbago yun. Lian even cried a couple of times pag sobrang stressed na sya. She even cried on her first recitation. Ako, I never got over the feeling na masusuka ako bago mag recit. Lalu na if magagaling yung prof ko.

"Sisi ka?" He asked with a small laugh. "Actually, I'm thinking about the exact same thing. Pero I think it's too late na pagsisihan ko pa to. Masyado akong maraming gabi na pinuyat." I looked at him. "Well, it gets easier when you pass the Bar." He said never letting go of his smile. He's lying.

"Weh?"

"Actually hindi. Madami ka lang pera." He chuckled.

"So ikaw why law school?"

"Cliche law student ako. Lawyer nanay ko, so she wanted me to take up law. Parang ikaw, I decided a long time ago."

"Sisi ka?" I returned his question and smiled.

Napatawa sya ng konti. "Ngayon pa bang nakapasa na ko ng Bar? Pero nung nasa law school ako, feeling ko pagod na pagod ako. Araw araw ko atang tinatanong yung sarili ko kung anong ginagawa ko sa buhay ko."

"Omg, yan din iniisip ko kanina sa Starbucks bago ka dumating! Well baka medyo iba. I always feel na naka pause yung buhay ko. Na it's all about law school and wala na kong panahon sa ibang bagay. I barely see my parents and my sister even on weekends kasi nag aaral lang ako. Tapos walang life outside kasi nga, nag aaral lang ako." I sighed. "Feeling ko ang pathetic ko na kasi wala na kong ginawa kung hindi mag aral."

"Lawschool-induced existential life crisis." He shrugged. Di ko alam na may imbento palang term dun sa nararamdaman ko.

"Yeah, exactly that."

Tinawag na yung number namin so pumasok na kami to be seated. I took a picture of my ramen and posted it on my IG story para mag mukha naman akong may buhay. We continued talking. He asked a lot about college kasi mas may life ako non and nagshare din sya ng mga kwento nya kasi mukhang don din sya may buhay.

"I think you might be right. Law school was a pause ng buhay ko. Well, natin. Na parang everything was happening before it, then natuloy nalang ulit pag tapos." He said thoughtfully.

"Correction, for you lang. I'm still stuck in limbo." I bitterly said and he laughed at my reaction. "Feeling ko di natatapos yung pag aral. Minsan nga nasusuka na ko. Pero pag sem break naman, hinahanap-hanap ko yung pag aaral. Ugggh grabe yung ginagawa ng law school sakin. I can't wait for this to be over." I continued.

"Sa totoo lang kahit lawyer ka na, studying never stops." He said and I groaned loudly at natawa sya sa reaction ko.

"Naiyak ka ba ever dahil sa law school?" I asked him. He thought about it for a while. "Sa law school hindi ako umiyak, pero nasuka ako sa CR pag tapos ng isa kong recitation sa prof namin na Judge. Sobrang lupit. Parang feeling ko binaon ako sa lupa, parang walang kwenta lahat ng binasa ko. Umiyak ako nung Bar. Pag tapos ng exam sa Commercial Law." He chuckled as if remembering yung mga nangyari sakanya non. Sa totoo lang madaming umiiyak sa Bar Exam.

"Yan pa. Bar Exams. Feeling ko di ako magiging ready for it. Kung ikaw nga naiyak, paano pa ko?"

"Alam mo, di pa ko nakakilala ng estudyanteng nag sabi na ready na sila sa Bar, as in academically ha. Feeling mo hindi magiging enough yung aral mo pag nandun ka na sa moment na yon. Mostly, psychological yung exam. Yung sarili mo yung kalaban mo dun, hindi yung exam mismo. So, pag kaya ng sikmura mo, kakayanin mo yun!" He said after nyang kumain ng gyoza.

"So bakit ka umiyak?" Biniro ko sya.

"Pagod na pagod ako! Feeling ko yun na yung pinaka mahirap na ginawa ko buong buhay ko. Wag mo naman ako masyadong pahiyain sa pag iyak ko. Sayo ko nga lang inamin yon." Natawa sya.

"Your secret is safe with me. Saka hello, pumasa ka naman." I smiled at him. "Yeah I guess worth it yung pag iyak?” Natawa sya while shaking his head. Di siguro sya makapaniwala na nasabi nya yun saakin.

"Ikaw naiyak ka na?" Binalik nya yung tanong saakin. "Ummm hindi pa. Di pa din ako sumusuka." Ngumiti ako and it was his time to groan.

"Can you forget na sinabi kong umiyak ako nung Bar?" He asked me hopefully. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na pag ganyan mo ko titignan baka pati pangalan ko makalimutan ko. Natawa nalang ako.

"Wag ka mag alala, babalitaan kita pag umiyak ako sa Bar para quits tayo." I chuckled at nakasminagot sya. "Okay, if it will make you feel any better, kala ko masusuka ako nung first recit ko sayo." I told him. Pero di ko na sinabi na hindi dahil sa kaba, pero dahil sa ibang rason.

"Okay fine." Napa ngiti na ulit sya. "Pero alam kong hindi dahil wala kang alam. Baka kinabahan ka lang." He rolled his eyes at me.

"Hardest subject para sayo?" Tanong nya. Linunok ko muna yung ramen ko bago sumagot. "That's easy. Taxation! I f*****g hate that subject. Ikaw?"

"Taxation din. Feeling ko lahat naman halos yon e. Okay eto, saan ka pinaka napahiya sa klase? Ako yung recit na sinabi ko sayo. Criminal Law 2 yon." He asked laughing.

"Ummm. Ohmygod, Human Rights Law kay Attorney Saguisag. Teka alam ko madali lang yon, pero pinalabas nya ko sa classroom kasi nahuli nya kong nakikipag usap sa blockmate ko. Nung una I apologized para di nya ko palabasin, tapos sinabi nya pag di daw ako lumabas, sya daw lalabas. Grabe pahiyang pahiya ako non." I laughed while shaking my head and natawa din sya sa kwento ko feeling ko namumula na ko kasi naalala ko yun.

"Ang lupit mo dun. Muntik ka ng layasan ni Attorney Saguisag??" Biniro nya ko. "Haha shut up." I tried saying in a serious tone pero nakakatawa naman talaga.

"O diba kahit mahirap lawschool ang dami nating nakuhang nakaka humble na experiences? Lessons yun sa life. Lesson yun na wag kang madaldal sa klase." Natatawa pa rin sya.

"Well at least di ako umiyak." Tinawanan ko sya at sumimangot sya. Actually pinagisipan kong mabuti kung papasok pa ulit ako sa klase na yon or ibabagsak ko nalang.

"Hi daw sabi ng Bar Exam." Binalik nya yung pag biro saakin at inirapan ko sya. Bwiset.

"Lian used to say na kung nalaman lang nya kung anong mga gagawin namin sa law school, she should've just gotten a lawyer boyfriend instead of wanting to be one. I think may point sya don." I chuckled.

"Magandang idea yon." He smiled his boyish smile na may kalokohan sa tingin nya. "You should've gone that direction."

"Sleepless nights, remember? Sayang." I pointed my chopsticks at him.

"Well, kung yon naman yung habol mo, I think a lawyer boyfriend can still give you that. Baka mas masaya ka pa don." Tumawa sya. And I almost choked on my ramen. He continued laughing while I drank water para bumaba yung noodles. Tangina.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Real mature, Killian." I retorted. At lalu syang tumawa.

The questions never stopped hanggang makabalik kami sa condo. We found ourselves laughing at a lot of things. Anecdotes about my friends kasi kwinento ko sakanya sila Lian at Max, and his friends (may dalawa din syang pinaka close na kaibigan. Isa don yung nameet ko sa club last night).

He also shared his experiences in teaching law and yung mga bloopers ng students nya sa kanya and yung mga additional kong katangahans in lawschool and his bloopers nya nung nagsisimula pa lang syang mag turo.

"Coffee?" I asked when we got to the lobby. Aba aba aba. I just pushed my subconscious aside.

"Yeah sige, saka may tatapusin din ako e." He was still clutching my book bag on his shoulder and his bag on the other. "Akin na nga yan." I reached for it, but he still refused. "Wag. Bagay sakin e." He said and posed so I could survey him with my bag. I grunted.

"Bigyan kita if you want one. Kaso floral." I joked. He made a face pero nakangiti parin. "Sige. Kung mas bagay sakin yon." I shook my head. Lahat bagay sayo, kahit bag ko. Unbelievable.

Pag balik namin sa Starbucks, mas dumami na yung tao so we just settled on a smaller table sa corner.

"Anong order mo?" I asked him. "Wag na ako na. I owe you coffee kasi nangalahati ka lang kanina." He said standing up.

Sumimangot ako. "Pangalawa ko na yon. Saka sabi mo nga kanina, ako yung nagyaya so I'm paying. Judicial precedence." Tinaasan ko sya ng kilay at tumayo din ako.

He shook his head and sat down. "Lawyers." He said under his breath. "I'll have what you're having." Sabi nya giving up.

Finally, the silence between us was comfortable. Nakatulong yung daldalan namin kanina. Di na ko naiilang sa kanya kahit minsan napapatingin pa rin ako pag di sya nakatingin kasi ang gwapo nya talaga. I can't believe na parang mas gwapo pa sya kahit nakasimangot sya at seryoso.

He was working on I don't know what on his laptop and ako naman mas nakaconcentrate na sa pag aaral.

Paminsan minsan nagtatanong ako sakanya tungkol sa Taxation law and I was thankful he was here to fill my confusion on this awful subject. I made a mental note to explain the things he did kay Lian. Sana lang maalala ko lahat.

We just ordered sandwiches for dinner and he got his second coffee and pinigilan na nya ko sa pang apat kong kape, so I just got tea. We worked until it was already past 12 midnight. Ang dami nanamang nakuhang pera sakin ng Starbucks.

"Pahinga ka na bukas. May immunity ka naman na sa Civ Rev sa Monday." He said pag pindot ko ng floor ko sa elevator at pinindot din nya yung floor nya.

He handed me my book bag na parang attached na sya. "Yeah that's the plan. Nakapag aral naman na din ako for Poli. Thank you for lunch." I smiled when I got off my floor.

“No problem, Stace. Thank you din sa kape and sa mga kwento mo, nagenjoy ako today." He smiled his trademark boyish smile and I returned the smile and sumara na yung elevator.

Omg. Kinikilig ako!!! Too bad I can't share this with my friends.