The Abyss in Between

Alt 29: Voices and More

I can't breathe. 

Parang may nakadagan sa katawan ko. Hindi ko magawang huminga ng malalim, o kahit mababaw dahil sa pressure ng nakadagan. Sinubukan kong imulat ang mga mata ko ngunit dahil sa kakulangan ng hangin ay halos hindi na ako makahinga.

“Kovie? Hey, wake up,” a familiar voice said. Deja vu, that’s what immediately crossed my mind. Unang mulat ko pa lang ay alam ko nang may kakaiba. “What… happened…” I muttered.

“Hey, easy,” she said as she assisted me to sit. Sinandal niya ako sa pader at kahit hirap ay binuhat niya ako ng bahagya para hindi sumayad ang mga binti ko sa lupa.

“Your leg, Kov…” she whispered. Tinunton ko ang binti ko at halos himatayin na ako sa nakita ko. “How…” I couldn’t even finish my sentence.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” I screamed as I stare at my leg’s left flesh. Patuloy na dumadaloy ang dugo mula roon at ang iilang parte ng laman ay nakalaylay pa sa sahig.

Suddenly, I felt a snap. “I’m sorry, hindi kita natulungan agad,” umiiyak na sabi ni Doktora– Royle. Hindi ko siya pinansin. Nakaramdam muli ako na para bang may humahampas sa puso ko.

“My h-heart’s burning,” I said, almost like a whisper. Hindi ko alam kung anong paraan ang gagawin ko para mas makahinga ng maayos. “Huh, what do you mean? Oh my goodness, Kovie! Please… what?!”

“KOVIE!” a shout woke me up. A hard pang on my chest. Beeps after beeps. Murmurs of people, all constantly calling my name.

Kovie…

That’s me.

“KOVIE! WAKE THE HELL UP!” an annoying voice shouted, her voice shaking and almost as if she’s crying. Who is she?

Dahan-dahan ay minulat ko ang mga mata ko. Hindi ko na pinansin ang pakiramdam na naulit na naman ang mga nangyayari, I instead focused on the three people in front of me.

“Krys?” I called the crying lady, unsure of what name I should call her. Is she Krys? She feels like her. Para bang kilala ko siya. Huminto siya sa pag-iyak, her sobs gradually decreasing, and finally, she looked at my side.

“Krys, ikaw nga!” sabi ko, bakas ang tuwa sa boses. Hindi ko mapigilang mapangiti kahit nanghihina at kahit nahihirapan ay inangat ko ang mga kamay ko para abutin siya.

She’s not reaching back. Parang mas lumalayo siya. “Go away, Kovie. I don’t need you. We don’t need you.”

Three sentences echoed as the darkness went on and on. Sa paningin ko ay patuloy na umuusad ang kadiliman ngunit paano nga ba ako nakakasigurado? I’m hallucinating, I’m sure. I have to be.

“Krys?” I called out, having the idea that maybe my real body would talk. Hoping that someone will hear me. Praying for anyone to save me.

“Adi? Accel? Covet? Ayla? Tobi?” I called them, but no one answered. “Aiden? Kuya…” was my last call.

I felt nothing. Hindi ko na alam kung gaano ako katagal sa lugar na iyon. Maybe years have passed and I’m still here. Maybe it was just a minute. I don’t know, and I don’t really have enough energy to care.

Para akong lantang gulay na nakaupo lang sa gitna ng kawalan. Funny enough, I feel like I am laying on something but when I tried to roll over, all I see is pitch black.

Wala akong ibang nararamdaman. No pain, no hunger, no thirst, nothing. Except for loneliness.

This place is a torture place. Not with the limit of food or water. Not even with the lack of light. It’s the loneliness that hits me.

And it’s still hitting me.

I laughed. I realized something just now. Mag-isa ako. Mag-isa na naman ako. Parati akong mag-isa noon, kahit pa mapilit si kuya na samahan ako o samahan ko siya ay hindi pa rin ako ganoon kalapit sa kahit na sino. I preferred being alone.

How ironic that all I wanted before was my own silence and space and when universe gave it to me, I’m feeling lonely.

“Huh, how ironic…” sabi ko hanggang sa nakatulog na ako. Pakiramdam ko’y ang tulog na iyon ang pinakamahimbing na nagawa ko.

Dahan-dahan akong bumangon sa kama at tumingin sa paligid. Still white. Kovie’s lab?

“Royle?” I called. Walang sumagot maliban sa mga echo na nagkalat sa paligid. Para akong nagsasalita sa kawalan. Naalala ko bigla ang panaginip ko. Somehow that felt real.

Pagkabangon ng kama ay naglibot ako upang hanapin kung nasaan si Royle. Sobrang lakas ng pakiramdam ko na may dapat akong sabihin sa kanya. Hindi ko pa malabas iyon sa dila ko ngunit itinutulak ako nitong hanapin siya.

“Royle? Nasaan ka?” pagtawag ko. To no avail, she’s not answering.

Where could she be?

What if she found a way out of here? Pero kung ganoon nga, sigurado naman akong isasama niya ako. She would’ve disturbed me like crazy and shake me like a juice. Hindi yung ganitong nagtatago siya.

Nagtatago.

Noong naisip ko ang salitang iyan ay pakiramdam ko’y may tumusok na kung  ano sa utak ko. Nagtatago? Is she hiding? Why? From what? Or… from who?

Tumakbo na ako habang naglilibot. My gut is screaming trouble. Bad.

Dire-diretso ako sa isang hallway at nililingon ang bawat lugar na madadaanan ko. Wala akong makitang kahit sino at sa sobrang pagod ko yata’y paulit-ulit na lang ang nakikita ko.

Patuloy pa rin ako sa pagtakbo nang may biglang sumulpot sa harap ko. “Goodness, Kovie! Bakit ka ba nagtatatakbo? You should be in bed! Hell, akala ko napano ka na!”

“Oh thank goodness you’re alive!” sigaw ko at yumakap sa kanya. Mahigpit ang yakap ko sa kanya ngunit ang mga kamay niya sa likod ko ay nag-aalangan pa kung yayakapin ba ako o aalalayan.

“Yeah…? Of course I am alive. Wait, did you have a nightmare?” she asked. Hindi na ako sumagot ngunit umiling ng wala sa sarili. What was that?

Huminga ako ng malalim. I feel safer when I’m with her. Something’s finally right.

Bumitaw na ako sa kanya at tumingin sa mga kamay niya. I saw two cups, one with coffee and one with water. Kaya pala hindi niya ako niyayakap. Napangiti ako sa sarili ko.

“What, nababaliw ka na ba? Ngumingiti ka mag-isa. That’s a sign of,” sabi niya at gumawa ng paikot-ikot na aksyon sa tenga niya. I stuck my tongue out and grabbed the coffee. Alam kong iyong tubig ang para sa akin but I don’t think that’s gonna help my churning stomach.

“Thanks for the coffee, Royle! You’re the best!” sigaw ko at naglakad tungo sa kabilang kwarto. Mayroong upuan doon at lamesa. Apparently it’s the dining area, but it has no junction with the kitchen. It’d be hard to bring foods to eat here in a normal day.

Umupo ako sa high chair at pinagmasdan ang paligid. Almost everything is solid white. It’s ridiculous how an architect designed this house. Walang sense ang dining area kung hindi naman accessible ang kitchen mula roon and vice versa.

Binaling ko ang tingin ko kay Royle na masama ang timpla habang umiinom ng kape niya.

“Isn’t it weird how all the rooms are separated, including the kitchen and the dining?” I asked her. She answered with a shrug and I know that she’s not even paying attention to my question.

Well, it doesn’t really make sense.

“Kumusta na nga pala ang pakiramdam mo?” tanong niya na nagpabalik sa akin sa wisyo. Napahigop ako sa kape ko at hindi ko alam kung bakit pero wala akong maisagot sa kanya.

How do I feel?

Nothing.

Wala pa rin akong nararamdaman. Walang sakit o kirot. Napatingin ako sa hawak kong kape. Umuusok pa ito sa sobrang init ngunit kanina ko pa ito hawak gamit ang pareho kong kamay. Uminom din ako rito ng dire-diretso at hindi ako nakaramdam ng hapdi sa paso.

“Kovie?” she asked. I blinked twice, unsure of what I was just thinking. “Anong nangyayari sa’yo? Are you still tired?” she worriedly asked. Umiling lang ako bilang sagot at ibinaba na ang kape. I saw my fingers touch the table but I didn’t sense anything touching it.

I saw it but I didn’t feel it.

Is my sense of touch weak? Am I numb? Pinakiramdaman ko ang sarili ko. I can feel the cold breeze around us hitting my skin, but not the heat from the hot cup of coffee.

“I think something is wrong,” I told her. Hindi ko hinayaang dumikit ang mga kamay ko sa kahit ano. It feels weird to see your hands touch something and not be able to feel what you’re touching. Para bang may makapal na harang sa kamay ko at sa hinahawakan ko.

I shivered in both coldness and anxiety. “Pwede bang patayin muna natin ang aircon? I’m feeling chilly,” I requested. Kumunot ang noo ko nang hindi pa rin sumasagot si Royle. I’ve asked her twice and she hasn’t responded to any of them.

“Royle?” tawag ko ngunit paglingon ko ay wala akong nakitang ibang tao roon. Ang lamesa’y singputi ng lahat ng pader, walang bakas ng baso na pinagkakapehan ko. Maybe she took the dishes to the kitchen?

I walked to the door and before I can even step out, warm air surrounded me. Napaatras ako sa gulat at muling bumalik ang malamig na pakiramdam ng dining room.

What is happening? Is the air ventilation broken?

Dahan-dahan akong humakbang palabas at ganoon pa rin ang pakiramdam. It is definitely hotter outside than in the dining where it’s almost freezing cold. Hindi ko na iyon pinansin at nagpatuloy sa paglabas.

Dumiretso ako sa hallway at makalipas ng ilang minutong paglalakad ay hindi pa rin ako nakakarating sa pinto tungo  sa kusina. Am I lost?

Sigurado akong diretso lang naman ng hallway ang papuntang kitchen dahil nanggaling na ako roon kanina. I’m also pretty sure that it doesn’t take 15 minutes to walk through the hallway to find another door. Kahit hindi na ang kitchen, kahit anong kwarto na lang.

But still nothing. I continued walking and walking until I grew tired of it. Until I wanted to vomit for all the white I see. Until I collapsed by myself.

“Kovie?” a voice called. Hirap man ay sinubukan kong lumingon upang hanapin ang pinanggalingan nito. My breathing hitched, then it became harder to do so. The heavy feeling earlier came back. Parang may nakadagan muli sa aking katawan but I don’t see anything.

I’m still lying on the ground in this long hallway, looking for the source of the voice that called my name. “Royle? I’m here!” I called back.

To no avail, she didn’t answer. Instead, the voice called my name again. This time, the voice is more distorted. “Kovie…” it stated. It wasn’t a call for me, nor a question. It was a statement of my name, as if it sees me and finally found me.

“Kovie…” it called again. And again. And again.

Napapikit ako. Calm down, Kovie. It’s just voices. They’re in your mind. Calm down, mawawala rin ang mga iyon.

“Kovie, wake up,” the last one said.

Wake up?

From what?

“Wake up now, Kovie.”

And with that, I closed my eyes and let myself into the oblivion, hoping to wake up as the voices fade away.