The Abyss in Between

Alt 31: The Senile Nutcracker

“And I might not be her,” I quickly rebutted. He didn’t seem to mind that I answered right back. Dumiretso siya sa isang sulok at kumuha ng isang libro. He skimmed through it until it stopped itself. Probably something in it.

“Well, hindi ko naman sinabing maniwala ka. But here’s a proof if you want,” alok niya sa kinuhang papel sa loob ng libro. Tinignan ko siya sa mata, iniwasang tignan ang laman ng papel. Something in my gut tells me something isn’t right.

Well, that’s a common answer.

I have been out and about to places I am familiar and not familiar with. I have been with people I know, people whom I’ve never met in my life. I have been stuck in situations where my life depended on a single decision, and more circumstances where I was about to die without no chances to fight at all.

So yeah, bizarre isn’t really a ‘bizarre’ anymore. It’s normal to me now. And this man’s ridiculous attempts of shading me with some paper to, I don’t know, maybe brainwash me or something.

“No, thank you. I’d rather not see it. Anyways, where are we again? And please, don’t say you don’t know.”

“I actually do not know,” he stated. Muntik na akong mapairap. Bakit ba kailangan nila akong pahirapan pa sa tuwing nagtatanong ako? It’s not like I’m asking if they’re a wanted criminal or not. I’m just asking about the place.

“Seriously, where the hell am I?” I asked again, in hopes of a changed answer. Still, he said he doesn’t know. As if I’d believe him.

“So you’re basically saying that you’re staying at someplace you don’t know, at mukhang komportable ka pa?” My right eyebrow raised as I speak. He had a look in his face that settled between curious and entertained.

“Kung ganyan ang tingin mo, then yes, that’s my current situation. Wanna eat something?” he transitioned, maybe thinking I’d let go of the conversation for some porridge.

“Matabang,” I replied when he asked how it tastes. Hindi ko alam at wala akong pake kung namamalik-mata lang ba ako na umirap siya o hindi. “Isa pa,” sabi ko.

Bumuntong hininga siya at kinuha ang mangkok ko. Ang kahoy na platong naiwan sa tabi ko ay puno ng dahon na pinakuluan. Hindi ko iyon ginalaw dahil hindi ko alam kung anong klaseng halaman iyon, malay ko ba kung ano ang epekto nito sa katawan.

“Thank you,” sambit ko nang ilapag niya ang mangkok sa harap ko. I’ve been acting like a sweet lamb and a teething wolf back and forth, actually depending on what he does. He gave me food, I thank him. He rolled his eyes, I kinda tipped his foot a bit. Karma’s work.

“As the call, so is the echo,” he said. Natigil ako sa pagkain. Did he just read my mind? Mukhang kita niya ang pagkalito sa mukha ko. “Where did you get that from?” My voice quivered and I didn’t attempt to hide it in any way.

“Uh, sa nabasa kong libro. I don’t know who actually said that phrase because of the book’s condition, but I know she’s a great one.”

She?

Wait. It can’t be a she.

“Bakit mo pala naitanong?” tanong niya pabalik. Inilingan ko lang siya ngunit halatang hindi niya ako titigilan sa simpleng pag-iling niya. “Narinig ko na kasi iyan dati, maybe that person read that book as well.”

“Huh, then that person’s great huh?” he toned back. That piqued my attention. “What do you mean by that?” I asked, my tone implying something obscure.

“Nothing. Sinasabi ko lang, malay mo sa akin mo talaga narinig iyon. Then I’m that great person, right?” asik niya. I stared at him. Hindi ko makuha kung saan nanggagaling ang kanyang pagpupursigi na ako nga ang nawawala niyang kapatid. Compared to my brother, this one’s a bust.

Maybe he’s the Walmart version of my brother. Whoever is the Kovie in this universe must’ve had a rough childhood.

“By the way, ano ba ang nangyari sa kapatid mo? How come you two are separated?” I asked. I never see myself moving forward without my brother by my side. Siya ang natatanging pamilya na mayroon ako kaya’t malaki ang pagpapahalaga ko sa kanya.

I may not want to admit it but I am aware that I am too dependent to him, and that’s how I like it. That’s how I am still alive, after all. Hindi ko kayang mabuhay ng mag-isa. Hindi tulad ng iba, wala akong kaalaman sa buhay sa labas ng training camp.

Pagkatapos ng pagkamatay ng magulang namin ay sumunod sa sarili naming bahay ang training camp sa memorya ko. There was nothing in between, no one I’ve met outside. Kaya’t hindi rin ako sanay makipagkaibigan sa mga kasama kong trainee.

And now I turn to my brother, whom I also consider my bestfriend, every time I want to do something. I got used to the fact that we do a lot of things together and how I rely on his intellect while we both rely to my skills because he sucks at physicals.

I chuckled absentmindedly. Tsaka ko lang napansin na napapangiti na pala ako nung nakita ko ang tingin sa akin ni kuya. “You’re weird,” he said. Though I know I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I felt guilty. Iniwas ko ang tingin ko sa kanya.

His presence triggered my emotions and memories about my brother’s disappearance. Does that mean he is somehow connected to my brother?

Questions flooded my mind, and they were all unanswered.

The night went by (I still do not know how he knows day and night) and he left me all alone. Nakahiga lang ako rito sa gawa-gawang kama at nakatitig sa bato. Totoong mga bato lang siya. At mukhang isa na namang kweba ang kinalalagyan ko.

But for a cave, this place is not bad. Mayroon pa siyang inilagay na bookshelf sa gilid at isang upuan na may kasamang maliit na lamesa sa gilid. Ang tanging ilaw na nakabukas ay isang lampara sa pagitan ng paanan ng kama at ng maliit na lamesa.

Napatingin ako roon at napabangon ng may mapansin. The book he was holding before was there. Iyon ang pinagkuhaan niya ng isang papel na magpapatunay na kapatid ko raw siya. But how is he my brother? Sobrang layo ng itsura niya kay kuya kahit pa may pagkakapareho sila nito sa pagkilos.

Murmuring nonsense words to myself, I decided to pick it up and look for the paper. The book stopped at a page that revealed a folded paper. It had the same dent on one side as I saw earlier.

Kinuha ko iyon at inilapag ang libro. Tinitigan ko lang ang papel kahit pa atat na atat na akong malaman kung ano ang nasa loob. I can’t bring myself to open it even if it means my life.

Bumuntong hininga ako at inipit ang papel sa ilalim ng libro. Hindi ko pa kaya. I spent another hour at that position, fighting myself if I should open the paper or not.

In the end, I did what I always do. I avoided the problem. That night, I spent hours and hours staring at the book. Wondering how I chose to return it in spite of my overflowing curiosity.

“Kumusta tulog mo?” salubong niya sa akin pagtapak ko pa lang palabas ng pintuan. Nagulat ako sa kanya at bahagyang napatalon. Hindi ko malaman kung bakit ang hilig niyang manggulat.

Another characteristic he and my brother differs with.

“Okay lang,” sagot ko at nilibot ang tingin sa paligid. Walang pinto ang kwarto ko kaya’t dire-diretso lang ako sa paglakad. Ang bumungad sa akin ay ang kanyang sala kung saan may isang mahabang upuan na nakasentro. May maliit na lamesa sa harap nito at isang malaking tukador sa gilid. Maliban sa mga iyon, halos wala nang laman ang sala.

He motioned for me to sit and I followed. Naglapag siya ng isang basket na may tinapay. Maaaring guni-guni ko lang iyon ngunit may usok na nanggagaling pa sa tinapay.

“That’s newly baked, if you’re wondering,” he stated. Hindi ko alam kung paniniwalaan ko ba siya base sa nakikita kong sitwasyon ng bahay niya. He literally lives in a cave.

He must have noticed the doubt etched on my face and laughed a bit. “Hindi ka naniniwala, eh?” natatawa niyang tanong. Tumayo siya at pumasok sa pintong pinanggalingan niya kanina. Ang pintuan tungo sa tinulugan ko at pintuang pinasukan niya ngayon ay halos magkatabi lang, kaya siguro muntik na kaming magkabungguan kanina.

Hindi rin siya nagtagal sa loob. Pagkalabas niya ay may bitbit siyang isang maliit na tinapay. This time, nakalagay ito sa maliit na kahoy. Gamit ang telang hawak niya ay bitbit niya ang kahoy na ito at habang papalapit, mas nakikita ang usok ng tinapay.

“This,” he started. He went to the small table to place the pan of bread and looked at me while saying, “is my invention.”

“Yeah right, dahil naimbento ang oven noong 9999,” I answered. He sneered at me but didn’t clap back.

“Well, hindi naman kita pinipilit maniwala.” Hindi pinipilit pero nagdala pa ng bagong tinapay para ipakita? Huh.

“After breakfast, we have to talk,” his authoritative voice commanded. It wasn’t a request, nor was it polite, but I didn’t say anything. It was the right mix of how we should treat each other.

“Fine with me,” I said and silence enveloped after. No one talked until I finished my last sip of coffee. I cleared my throat. It’s time to take the initiative.

“I have a question first. How am I here?” I asked. His blatant lies are past me now. There’s not much to see here, but too much underlying agendas to feel. I’ve realized that after analyzing my situation that night.

“That letter’s a hoax. My brother, though very intelligent, can’t write letters. He communicate by numbers, symbols, anything but written words. Don’t try to fool me, who in the goddamn universe are you?”