The Search

Chapter 14

It was midnight again, but my eyes were still open-wide. I was at the window, looking at the dark sky while thinking of what Psalm had told me. Did Marcus really say those things?

Kung si Psalm lamang ang daan upang makapagsalita si Marcus, siguro mas mabuti pa ngang siya na lamang ang kumausap rito hanggang sa maging malinaw na ang lahat. However, there was still something in my heart that was seeking answers. I wanted to hear them out by myself. Mas makakampante ako kapag ang mga tainga ko mismo ang nakarinig. But I knew Marcus would not speak if I was the one he would talk to.

I sighed before I went back to bed. As I closed my eyes, a clang reached my ears. Mabilis kong iminulat ang aking mga mata. I had decided to go down, but the clanking had stopped, kaya hindi na rin ako tumuloy. Ngunit pagkapikit ko pa lamang ulit ay umalingawngaw na naman ang tunog na iyon, kaya bumaba na ako upang malaman kung saan nga ba iyon nanggaling.

When I arrived at the kitchen, a black cat caught my attention. When it saw me coming, it ran away through the small window up the sink. Pagkaalis nito ay bigla na lamang tumibok nang mabilis ang aking puso. I let out a sigh as I took a seat. I didn't know if I would be happy because it was only a cat or would I be sad because it was a black cat. I didn't want to believe in myths, pero ayon kasi sa kasabihan ng mga matatanda, malas ang dulot ng mga itim na pusa.

I stood up and proceeded to the refrigerator to get some water. Napainom na lamang ako sa kaba. Simula talaga nang mawala si Mommy ay kung anu-anong kamalasan na ang pumapasok sa bahay. Nevertheless, I was getting used to them. Kaunti na rin lang talaga ay maniniwala na ako sa multo.

I assured all the windows and doors were closed before I went back to my room. Nang tahimik na ulit ang lahat sa paligid, sinubukan ko pa minsan na ipikit ang aking mga mata at kunin ang aking tulog. Unfortunately, I couldn't sleep no matter how I try. Sino ba naman ang makakatulog sa rami ng iniisip?

Hanggang sa lumitaw na ang araw ay hindi pa rin ako nakatulog. Kape na lamang ang nagsilbing pampagising ko. Kaya naman hanggang sa pagpunta ko sa campus ay may dala-dala akong ilang bote ng iced coffee.

"Ano 'yan?" bungad na tanong sa akin ni Psalm na nakatayo sa doorway. "Maglalasing ka ba sa kape?"

"Kaysa naman maglasing sa alak," sagot ko, saka dumiretso sa aking upuan.

"Hindi ka na naman ba natulog?" tanong pa niya. He sat at the arm chair and looked at me with his sharp eyes. "Kung alam ko lang na hindi ka na naman matutulog, sana hindi ko na lang sinabi sa 'yo ang pinag-usapan namin ni Marcus."

"So may balak ka nang maglihim sa 'kin?" irap ko sa kaniya, saka uminom muli ng kape. "You don't know the struggle, eh. Kaibigan ba talaga kita?"

"Look, I'm just concerned about you."

"Psalm, if you're really concerned about me, you won't question me about these things. Dapat hindi ka nagagalit kapag nalalaman mong hindi ako nakakatulog. Do you know how hard it is to sleep when many things are bothering you? Alam mo ba ang hirap?" I asked. "Kapag ikaw na ang nasa posisyon ko, saka mo na ako kuwestyunin."

He looked down. "I'm sorry."

I didn't speak. Saktong papasok na rin ang instructor namin, kaya hindi na rin ako nakapagsalita pa. Even before the discussion started, I once again sipped a coffee. Pagkatapos ay itinago ko na sa loob ng aking bag ang mga bote ng kape na hawak ko at baka mahuli pa ako.

Akala ko'y hindi ako makakatulog sa rami ng kape na nainom ko, ngunit ilang minuto lamang ay rinig kong umalingawngaw sa buong classroom ang pangalan ko. Nakaidlip na pala ako!

"Why are you sleeping in my class, Ms. Sarbien?" the instructor asked. "Kung hindi ka late sa klase ko, lagi ka namang tulog. Tell me, when will you learn to discipline yourself?"

"A-ah..."

"Stand up!"

Napabilis ang pagtayo ko nang kumulo ang dugo ng aking maestro. "T-teacher, a-ah..."

"Excuse me, Sir, with due respect," Psalm stood up, "when will you also discipline yourself? We all know what's Margot being through, yet you are still behaving this way? Wala ho ba kayong konsiderasyon? Wala ho ba kayong pang-unawa? O sadyang ayaw n'yo lamang pong umunuwa dahil sarili lang ninyo ang iniisip n'yo?"

"Who told you that you can speak to me, Mr. Iverson?" the instructor asked. "Now, go out! Including you, Ms. Sarbien!"

Psalm held my hand. "C'mon, let's get outta this hell."

Before we could even go out, the instructor threw the board eraser to us. Mabuti na lamang at hindi iyon tumama sa aming dalawa. Napabilis ang lakad naming nang pagsisigawan na kami ng guro namin. Dahil bawal kaming manatili sa may bintana, lumabas na lamang kami sa building.

"Thank you," I told Psalm when we finally reached the park, "and sorry."

"Sorry?"

"Sorry kasi nadamay ka pa."

"Ako dapat ang nag-so-sorry sa'yo," sambit niya. "Saka ginawa ko 'yon dahil gusto kong makabawi, at siyempre dahil kaibigan kita." He let out a sigh. "Now I know how hard it is for you. I'm sorry for not realizing that right away. Ang alam ko kasi ay habang tumatagal, mas lalo kang nagiging okay, pero hindi pala."

"Okay lang," walang emosyon kong sabi.

"I know I was wrong, and I'm really sorry," he said. "Hindi ko tuloy alam kung paano ko papagaanin ang loob mo kasi ako mismo na kaibigan mo ay hindi ka naiintindihan."

"Okay lang."

"And you keep telling me that it's okay even if it's not." He held my hands. "Margot, can we start being honest to each other? Ilang taon na rin tayong magkaibigan, pero may itinatago pa rin tayo sa isa't isa. Although I know na meron naman talagang kailangang hindi sabihin, but the feelings... puwede bang huwag na tayong magtago?"

I looked at him. "W-what do you mean?"

"I mean the emotions... can we just say them? Kung hindi tayo okay, puwede bang sabihin natin sa isa't isa? Look, BFF, I really wanted to help you. So, please..."

"I'm sorry," I sighed. "Alam ko ring may mali ako, kaya sorry. But I promise I'll try my best to not hide my emotions from you. I'm really sorry."

"Okay, so c'mon now," he stood up.

"What?"

"We're reporting this to Mrs. Yllon. Hindi makatarungan 'tong ginawa ni Sir."

"Hindi ba mas lalo lang lalaki ang gulo kapag sinabi pa natin kay Mrs. Yllon?"

"Hindi 'yan," wika niya. "Trust me."

Paalis na kami ni Psalm sa park nang makasalubong namin si Kye. I felt a little awkward hanggang sa makalampas na siya sa amin. Since he was already a colleague to me, I didn't know how to act towards him. When I thought I passed over this little dilemma, I was wrong.

"Margot," tawag sa akin ni Kye, kaya napalingon ako.

I raised my eyebrows. "Hm?"

"Meet me at the newsroom after you're dismissed," he said, then left without even waiting for my response.

As Kye ordered, I met him at the student newsroom after class. Samantala, nauna nang umuwi si Psalm dahil may importanteng lakad pa raw sila ni Tita Danara. Habang papunta sa nasabing lugar, hindi mapakali ang buong katawan ko. I was shaking and my heart was pounding. When I arrived there, I took a deep breath first and closed my eyes. "Si Kye lang 'yan. Si Kye lang-"

"Come in."

Mabilis kong iminulat ang aking mga mata; tila ba multo ang kaharap ko sa laki ng pagkabilog nito. "K-kanina ka pa nandiyan?" tanong ko.

"No," mariin niyang sagot. "I just came to open the door for you when I heard your voice. Don't worry, I'll just pretend that I didn't hear anything. Huwag kang mahiya, ako lang 'to... si Kye."

Lumakad na siya, samantalang ako'y nahinto pa rin sa puwesto ko. Bumalik lamang ako sa katinuan nang tawagin niya ang pangalan ko. "Comin'!" sigaw ko habang palakad papunta sa kaniya.

"Have a seat," he said.

"Tayo lang dalawa ang nandito?" tanong ko pagkatapos umupo.

"Why?" he raised his eyebrows. "Do you see any other person in here aside from us?"

"No," I answered.

"Then yes, it's just the two of us."

Napalunok ako. "So, anong sasabihin mo sa'kin?"

"This coming week, the publication team will start writing for the school paper. And as a vice president, I want you to help me encourage the journalists," he explained. "Noong nakaraang taon kasi, maraming hindi dumadalo sa training, at marami ring umaalis, because they don't feel like they belong to the team."

"Aw, that hurts."

"It hurts indeed, at ayoko nang maulit pa ang bangungot na 'yon. So please, help me with it. I'm hoping that this year's publication team will build a stronger bond with each other, 'cause we are not here just to write, but to build a relationship."

I nodded.

"Anyway, I heard you were called at the guidance office because of your issue with Mr. Walton," he said, which made my face turn red. "That was during lunchtime, right? Well, if you're wondering why I knew this, it's because Mrs. Yllon told me about it."

Muli akong napalunok.

"As your president, I'm concerned about you," he said. "I don't know the exact reason why you're sleeping in your first class, and I'm not in the place to judge you. But please, don't ever do it again. You're known now as the second leader of the campus' publication team, and it would be a shame if everyone knew you are disobeying our very first rule: be alert."

"Sorry...." I bowed down my head a bit. I was shy, yes, but I was also pissed off. He told me he didn't want to judge me, pero sa sinabi niya, parang hinusgahan na niya buong pagkatao ko. Clown din pala itong si Kye, eh.

"Forgiveness without change is just a manipulation," singhal niya. "Since you've asked for a pardon, you must be willing to discipline yourself. And if you're having a hard time dealing with it, I am here. I am willing to help you."

I thanked him.

"Going back to journalism, I've asked Lucille to arrange the schedule, para na rin hindi maapektuhan ang acads ng bawat isa. Now, you are responsible to double-check the schedule she's making. Maasahan ba kita ro'n?"

"Of course."

"Good." He stood up and took a book from his shelf. "Here, take this," he said, as he handed me the book. "I know you're good at writing, but since you are new in this team, this will help. Take time to read everything written in this."

I smiled. "Yes, thank you."

"And if you don't have any question, you can now go."

Dahil wala na rin naman akong katanungan, nagsimula na akong lumakad papalabas sa newsroom. But before I could even go out, I heard Kye call my name once again, so I turned around. "Yes?" I asked.

There was silence for some time.

"Be safe," he told me then.

I smiled and thanked him before leaving.

Pagkauwi ko sa bahay ay hindi pa rin matanggal sa aking mukha ang pagkapula. Nakangiti na rin ako habang nagsasandok ng kanin. I never knew he would be sweet despite his coldness. Kahit papaano ay may natitira pa rin palang lambot sa kaniyang puso.

Habang kumakain ay naisipan kong kunin ang librong ibinigay niya. I was too excited to open the book that I didn't notice something was in there. "Ano 'to?" tanong ko sa sarili ko habang pinupulot ang papel na nahulog.

After picking up the paper, my eyes grew bigger after seeing what was written on it. What did Marcus Draven's name have to do with the book?