More Than Anything (TAGALOG)

Margaux

Of all places, I have never thought that I would meet Quinn in this newly-opened club. Did he hear me talking to my son?

“Yes.” I replied and searched for my keys inside my bag.

“Who stayed with Shawn the whole day?” He asked me. From the way he sounded, he seemed to be sincerely interested.

Ngumiti ako. “He’s with his Yaya.” Sagot ko. “Ganoon naman lagi, when I go to work, kasama niya ang yaya niya.”

He nodded. “Is he safe with his nanny?” He asked.

“Mela’s been with us since I was pregnant with Shawn. I trust her with Shawn more than anyone else.” Sagot ko at pinindot ang unlock button sa susi ko.

Binuksan ko ang pintuan ng sasakyan ko. Akmang papasok na ako sa kotse nang bigla siyang magsalita.

“Do you party a lot?”

Tumigil ako at tumayo nang maayos bago ko siya hinarap. “Hindi.” Sagot ko. “If you’ve heard, I have not been attending parties for so long.”

I admit I didn’t like what I saw in his eyes the moment he asked me that darn question. It was as if he’s asking me if I always leave my son behind. I don’t. I don’t party anymore. I go whenever necessary but I only stay for roughly around an hour because I am itching to leave and stay at home with my son.

Tonight, I haven’t even stayed for an hour.

I can’t stay out when I know that my son is at home.

“But why are you here now?” He asked.

“I only came because Deonna wanted to introduce me to her cousin.” I told him. “But even if I came here for whatever reason, you don’t have to care. I’ve given you the time to be with my son. Isn’t it enough for you?” I asked.

Hindi pa ba sapat na pinayagan ko na siyang makasama si Shawn? Now, he has a say with how I live as well?

“I’m just concerned about the amount of parenting my son is receiving…”

I scoffed at him. “Shouldn’t you be the one asking yourself that question?” I raised my brow. I’ve had enough for today.

Damn it!

Anong karapatan niyang kwestyunin ang pagpapalaki ko sa anak ko?

He seemed to be taken aback with my rhetorical question because he got his jaw dropped. He scoffed, only to gather his cool again.

“I didn’t get to see him all his life. Remember that you kept him from me. How would I question my parenting?” He uttered that made me annoyed at a different level.

“With the things you’re implying, you might don’t want to see him again for the rest of his life.” I told him before I got inside my car and drove away.

Tangina!

I was raging in anger while I was driving. I’ve been the best mother I could be for my son. I’ve provided him everything he needs, supported him in everything he wanted to do…and now, that jerk, that bastard is questioning how I raised my son?

Tangina!

I stopped by a convenience store and bought ice cream as I promised my son. I tried to forget about my encounter with Quinn outside the club because thinking about it would make me want to take a u-turn and slap him hard on both cheeks!

Nakakairita talaga!

My mood only shifted when I saw my son running to me jumping up and down as he saw the ice cream tub on my hand.

“Yes! Ice cream!” He beamed as he took the tub from me and opened it. “Sit beside me, Mommy!” He beamed and Mela immediately got out of the couch.

“Thanks, Mela. Matulog ka na. Ako na’ng bahala.” Sabi ko.

Tumango naman si Mela at nagtungo na sa kwarto niya.

The whole night, my son and I watched his favorite movies and shows while eating the whole tub of ice cream. Ganito naman kami madalas, we always find time to spend together and bond more.

“Mommy, I want Daddy to be with us.”

Napahinto ako sa paghihimas sa buhok ng anak ko nang sabihin niya iyon sa akin. I didn’t expect him to tell me he wants to be with his father. All his life, he seemed to be contented with just the two of us. But right now, hearing how he wants Quinn with us…I believe I thought wrong.

He looked at me with his innocent eyes. He’s only five. Even if I told him the reason, he wouldn’t understand. He’s a kid and he wants what he wants. He wouldn’t need to know why can’t have it because at the end of the day, he would still want it.

“Shawn, your Daddy can’t be with us.”

I didn’t want to break his heart but I wouldn’t want him to believe in lies. Kung ano man ang sinabi sa kanya ni Quinn, ayokong iyon ang maging dahilan para masaktan siya. I am his mother. I know him more than anyone else.

Bakas sa mukha niya ang pagkalungkot nang sabihin koi yon sa kanya. Parang pinipiga ang puso habang nakikita ko ang malungkot niyang ekspresyon.

Suddenly, I wanted to take back everything I said.

If I could only tell him that we’ll be with his father soon…If only I could…

“Daddy said he loves me.” Sabi ni Shawn. “Hindi ba pag mahal ako dapat kasama ako?”

I wanted to smile at how he attempted to speak in Tagalog. He was always speaking in English and hearing him speak something else sounds really funny.

I took a deep breath and caressed his cheeks. “Not all the time, Shawn.” I told him. “Mahal ka ni Daddy but it’s not enough for him to stay with us.”

“But why?!” Pagalit niyang tanong. “If he loves me, then he should be with me?”

I frowned at his expression. This is one of the reasons why I don’t want Quinn to meet Shawn. The two of them meeting would raise Shawn’s false hopes for a complete family.

When I decided to not let Quinn know that we have a child, I have promised to myself that my son will be complete even without a father. I will love him to the best of my ability, enough for him to not long for a father’s love. It was my original plan…was.

“Daddy has someone else. He has a girlfriend.” I replied.

Kumunot ang noo nito. “What’s a girlfriend?” He asked in curiosity.

I smiled and pulled him to sit on my lap. “A girlfriend is that woman that a man loves. He shares everything with her. He loves everything about her. He couldn’t live without her.” Hindi ko alam kung anu-anong kabulastugan na ang nasasabi ko.

“Weren’t you his girlfriend?” He asked me innocently.

I smiled sweetly. Oh, how I love my innocent son! Kahit pa anong itanong niya, good or bad, I still find him so cute.

“I used to be his girlfriend…” my voice trailed.

He nodded. “Daddy said he loved you when you made me.” He revealed.

I stared at him in shock. That jerk! What did he tell my son?! “He said that?” I asked calmly. Taliwas sa inis na nararamdaman ko.

He nodded. “Our teacher told us that we are all made of love. I told Daddy about it and he said he loved you when you made me.” He replied.

Nakatitig lamang ako kay Shawn pagkatapos niyang sabihin iyon. Now, I’m wondering. Was it true? When Quinn and I…did he love me? Or was he thinking that I was Louise?

I wouldn’t deny what kind of a wreck I was when I found out that he was cheating on me. It didn’t even help that I knew I was pregnant on that same day. That was the most eventful day in my entire life. The happiness I felt for having a baby with the man I love the most was gone in one swift moment when I saw that scene inside his office.

Of all girls around him, hindi ko inexpect na si Louise ang makakagawa noon sa akin. She was simple and she looked so kind. If anything, she’s the one I would tell on to keep an eye on my boyfriend. She seemed to be so responsible.

Turns out that she’s not.

How I wanted to pull each strand of her hair out of her scalp. Gusto kong ingudngud ang mukha niya sa semento. And all other stuffs. But I couldn’t.

Because deep down inside, I believe that I lack in taking care of Quinn. And Louise was there to fill it up for me.

Iyon siguro ang naramdaman ni Quinn noon. He felt like I didn’t care for him because I was busy with school. Though he knows how toxic Medschool can be, he still chose to fall for another woman who gives him more attention. Then, I realized that maybe that’s what boys are looking for, someone to take care of them.

This is the main reason why I stopped caring for the opposite s*x. Even though I’ve dated some when I had Shawn, none of them really made it to my heart. I sealed my heart and vowed that no one will ever fool me again. Ayoko nang magmahal ng todo at kapag nagkulang ay ako pa ang maiiwang luhaan.

I don’t want to experience the same pain again. Once is enough.

“You were made out of love, Shawn. And it wouldn’t change even if your daddy and I are not together.” I smiled at him. “Mahal kita at mahal ka ng Daddy mo. It’s better to have more people loving you, right?” I asked.

He nodded. “But…” he trailed as he fiddled with his finger. “My classmates have their mommy and daddy at home. I don’t.”

I sighed and made my son look at me. It hurts me to see him this way. I don’t want him jealous of other kids. I want him to feel like he has everything.

“You are special, Shawn. And because you are special, I expect you to understand that Mommy and Daddy will not be together anytime soon.” I tried to smile at him but failed. “If you want, you can ask Daddy to pick you up so you can stay with his house. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”

His eyes widened as he looked at me. “Really?” He asked and I nodded. “Will you come with me?”

I smiled weakly and shook my head. “I can’t, baby. I’m sorry.”