Five Years After

The Illicit Video

Nagising ako dahil nangangatog ako sa lamig. Lito ako sa paligid ko at ang sakit ng buong katawan ko. May stiff neck pa ata ako. Bakit ako nasa labas ng bahay?

Then I remembered what happened last night. A few hours ago lang pala kasi 4:30 palang ng umaga.

 F**k. God. D***it. Cara.

 The events replayed in my head as I was under the shower. Lahat ng mga sinabi ni Jaxx inulit ko kahit nasasaktan ako. What happened five years ago, ni isa sa amin nakapag-move on. Pero ang mga pinakamasakit ata sa mga sinabi niya ay yung naisip niyang I wanted to abort Justin at yung huli na wala na akong halaga sa kanya.

 At ako ang may kasalanan noon. I put myself in this situation. Sinayang ko ang pagkakataon namin ni Jaxx. It wasn’t even because I pushed him away. Minahal nya pa rin ako. He sent me my favorite flowers. It was when he found out that I’ve been concealing my pregnancy and akala nya pang gusto kong ipalaglag anak namin. That was the deadline I missed years ago. Not Justin’s birthday two weeks from now.

 Mali si mommy. It was too late. It’s actually five years too late.

 August, kahit kalian, ikaw pa rin talaga ang pinaka malas na buwan ng buhay ko.

 Una, dahil August akong na fracture noong bata pa ako. Sunod, nangyari yung kay Collin. Then, si Jaxx naman, siya naman ang nangyari. Then Justin, he was supposed to be born September pero napaaga. Tapos, ngayon, five years after, eto na naman tayo.  Bakit ba ako pinagti-tripan ng Agosto!?

 Ayoko talaga sana pumasok. Wala akong gana mag-opera o makipag-usap sa mga pasyente. Ayoko makipag-biruan sa mga tao, ayaw ko makita si Derek o si Jasmine o si Kaloy. Ayaw ko sumagot sa conference. Ayaw ko magbasa at mag-aral. I didn’t want to see the hospital. I didn’t want Justin to see me this way. I just wanted to cry in bed the whole day. Tutal, nagkulang naman ata ng tubig ang La Mesa Dam dahil sa El Niño.

Pero hindi pwede. Kasi may mga pasyenteng nangangailan ng tulong namin, may mga taong umaasang gagaling sila at hindi namin sila pwedeng pabayaan. Mahirap silang ma disappoint, lalo na ang mga bata na umaasang makauwi sa kanila makipaglaro na sa kanilang mga kapatid.

 So, I sat up in front of my vanity table and began to apply concealer and some make-up to make me look brighter and colorful kahit na nalugmok na ang loob ko and all I felt was black. I picked out something to wear and dragged myself out of the house.

 Minsan talaga gusto kong mag time-out kahit one day lang sa pagiging doctor. One day lang.

 “Babe, pa-cover naman muna sa OR. May emergency na charity case e,” Jasmine told me as I discharged the last patient in the OPD.

 Tumango lamang ako.

 “Nandun na ang patient sa OR. Case with Dr. Montebon. Wala pa siya but they were setting up na.”

 I nodded again. She stopped and looked at me. “Huy, okay ka lang?”

 “Just feeling under the weather,” I lied.

 “I can ask Kaloy, if di mo kaya. Naisip ko lang you might want the case since gusto mo mag lap-whatever diba?”

 “Thanks, Jas. Okay lang ako. I’ll do it,” I gave her a weak smile and headed to the OR. Hindi ako magla-lap-whatever but it was a basic skill that we had to be proficient at. Besides, hindi ko pa na-perfect.

 Once the patient was prepped and everything was set up, Dr. Montebon arrived.

 “Oh Cara, I thought si Jasmine dito?” gulat niyang tanong.

 “Good evening doc. She has an emergency procedure po, doc, so she asked me to cover. I’m sorry di ko po kayo na inform earlier.”

 “It’s okay. You may start,” he said as he went out to scrub.

 After donning his gown and gloves, he stood across me, taking the role of the first assist. I did the surgery from start to finish and he did not say a word about my technique. Nag-comment lang sya minsan when we were about to finish, telling me how I can improve visualization and gave me other tips.

 “Congratulations, Dra. Claraval. I think you’re ready to your next case on your own,” he smiled behind his mask and tapped my back after he scrubbed out.

 “Thank you po, doc,” I smiled back.

 That was my first perfect case, from skin to skin. Ako ang una sa amin tatlo na naka-achieve na hindi magsasalita si Dr. Montebon. It was supposed to be a big deal.

Pero kahit na anong laki ng achievement ko para sa sarili ko, hindi ako masaya. It meant nothing. Everything I have been doing, they meant nothing now.

 Ganito pala ang pakiramdam ng mga nawawalan ng pag-asa. Wala nang nakakapag bigay ng kahulugan sa buhay. Lahat ng bagay na nagbibigay ng kaligayahan dati ay hindi na significant. Kahit na ang makamit ang isang napakalaking bagay na pinapangarap lamang nila dati, hindi na importante.

 Hindi ko natiis, I had to see Jusitn kahit na mangiyak ngiyak ako. I called Val to tell her I was picking up Justin after dinner from her place. She was surprised but hindi naman sya humindi.

 “Hey, Cars, what’s up?” She hugged me before letting me in.

 “I’m just really tired Val,” I said weakly.

 “Do you want to spend the night here na lang? Have you eaten? May food pa,” she led me to the kitchen. Justin was in her room with yaya Elena pero may narinig akong malalim na boses na nagsalita. When I looked at the shoe rack, may leather shoes na pang lalaki.

 “Who’s here?” I motioned towards the pair of shoes.

 “Uno. We’re talking about how to break our engagement,” She said.

 Since the announcement of their possible union in marriage, Val and Uno had to keep appearances for their parents. Uno celebrated his birthday in Camachile Sky with the gang to show that he was friends with her friends, and Val also went out with his friends. Lagi na silang nagsasama and Uno visited Val in her condo weekly, according to Val.

 Hindi naman pala talaga masamang tao si Uno. May girlfriend lang siya talaga na mahal nya at gusto niyang pakasalan balang araw. When we learned that, Val was eager to help him out and suddenly, the world was a better place. Sila pa rin ng girlfriend niya but they had to keep their relationship secret for the time being.

 I entered the bedroom and there was Uno sitting on the play mats on the floor. Justin was in between his legs, nakakunot ang noo at sabay silang nagbabasa ng law book ni Uno. Kahit na nakaupo, I could tell he was tall and lean. Not bulky, not thin but lean and ripped. I could see the cuts on his forearms and the outline of his deltoids. He was in his white polo barong and gray slacks. He had neatly gelled hair, thin lips that were pouty, and a pair of thin, gold-rimmed glasses that sat on the bridge of his straight and pointy nose.

 “Mommy!” sigaw ni Justin at nagulo ang mundo ni Uno. The book on his hand fell and muntik rin matamaan ni Justin mukha niya when he suddenly stood up so he jerked his head and closed his eyes, expecting an impact. Mabuti na lang wala.

 “Careful, anak!” I giggled. I gave him a tight hug and a quick kiss on the nose as he giggled. “Who’s this friend of yours?”

 “Tito Uno. Did you know that ‘uno’ is ‘one’ in Spanish?” he asked me.

 “Well aren’t you the smart lil’ guy.” I smiled and ruffled his hair. I extended my hand to Uno and introduced myself.

 “Cara,” I said extending my hand.

 “Uno. It’s nice to finally meet you.” He smiled as he shook my hand. “I didn’t know you were coming to pick him up?”

 “Wala sa plano pero bigla ko lang sya na-miss. Ako yung may separation anxiety,” biro ko.

 “Yeah, I know what you mean. Di ko nga sya anak but I look forward to seeing him every week,” he chuckled. 

Aaaw, isn't he sweet? Brownie points in my books. I'll have to tell Val.

 “Are you influencing him to take up law?” I playfully accused him, raising an eyebrow as I pointed to his book. Kinapa ko likod ni Justin at medyo pinagpawisan na sya kaya I started to take of his shirt para paliguan na sya.

 “Yikes, guilty,” he laughed as Val stepped inside. “But seriously, I was just reading up on a case on cyber..” he hesitated a bit and cleared his throat, “cybercrimes. You know, bullying and all that.” Bigla syang tumahimik. When I looked at him, he looked a bit flustered. He fixed his glasses and his barong edgily.

 “Everything alright?” I looked between Val and Uno.

 “Yep, peachy!” Val smiled innocently but I could sense a little bit of tension. I just shook it off. It’s their issue.

 “Anyway Val, I’ll just have Justin shower then uwi na kami if Uno is staying over.”

 “No, no! I’m not staying over. You stay. I was just about to leave,” he said quickly.

“Are you sure?”

 “Girl, it isn’t like we’re together. He never stays over. He’s looking nga dapat for ways to go around this thing e,” Val gave Uno a pointed look.

“I told you, one year. That was the condition. We don’t even have to live together. We just have to tolerate each other. Then we can go our merry ways. Ten months na lang.”

“What do you mean, one year? May ganoon na clause ang prenup nyo?” I was confused but pleased to hear that Val has a way out of this.

“It’s not even a prenup. We’re not getting married. I don’t know the real reason bakit nagkaroon ng ganitong arrangement but, there was a condition na if, by the end of a year we find each other unbearable, we don’t have get married,” Uno explained. “It’s easier to cancel an engagement than to annul a marriage.”

“Wow, your parents really thought this through, huh? Teka, whose parents wanted this arrangement anyway?”

They both shrugged. They were just pawns in whatever arrangement their parents made for them. Pero buti nalang may exit route silang dalawa. One year isn’t that long. Before they know it, tapos na.

“Anyway, I’ll go ahead. Hope to see more of you around, Cara,” he leaned over to give me a cheek kiss. He walked to Val and kissed her on the cheek as well. Kumatok sya sa banyo para magpaalam kay Justin and he left. 

“He seems like a nice guy, Val.”

 “He’s alright. I misjudged him. Kasi naman he was an asshole when we met. Akala nya kasi I was excited with the arrangement at parents ko may pakana. Yuck, feelingero,” She laughed and rolled her eyes. “Mas guwapo yung younger brother nya kaysa sa kanya, ‘no. By the way!”

Val was in a happy mood and wala naman akong ganang ikwento yung nangyari sa amin ni Jaxx last night so I just let her do the talking. At least the atmosphere was light and hindi nakakasakal. I ended up staying over instead na iuwi ko si Justin sa condo.

 Friday na naman na walang pasabi and I found myself in Cutting Time with the rest of the residents and some consultants. Pinag toast ako ni Kaloy, akin na daw ang korona because I was the first to perfect the lap chole from skin to skin na walang comment si Dr. Montebon. Everyone cheered and I graciously downed my beer.

When Derek arrived, he spent a lot of time with the residents. Pinilit kong makipag socialize kahit na wala talaga akong gana. Inalala ko na lang yung sinabi ni Derek sa akin nung first year na I needed human connection, that there’s more to being a resident than cases and the four walls of the hospital.

 After a while, I went to the bar to watch whatever the muted TVs were showing. There was European football, basketball, ESPN was showing some car racing. The news was also on – CNN and the local news. May tumabi sa akin sa bar and nilingon so sya. It was Dr. Valle, the neurosurgeon na ultimate crush ni Jasmine.

 He was in a light blue paisley printed polo and jeans. The polo was nicely tailored and he was wearing those Cole Haan wingtip oxfords. He had a clean fade haircut and five o'clock shadow along his sharp cut jaws. As manly as you can get.

“Good evening, doc,” I smiled. “You want anything?”

 “Thanks. May beer pa ako. Bakit ka nag-iisolate dito?” he asked.

 “Pagod lang po doc. Nakakahiya naman na tumunganga sa harapan nila. I just needed a little breather.”

 “Yeah, we all do some times. So, you’re graduating na diba?”

 “Middle of next year pa po, doc. May extensions ako e.”

 “Oh? Bakit?” his eyebrows furrowed.

 “I got pregnant during first year and I had a lot of leaves.”

 I was still ashamed that I got pregnant out of wedlock in the first quarter of the first year, pero ganoon talaga. The residents knew about it, the entire Ortho, Surgery, IM, and OB departments knew about it, heck, the entire hospital knew about a first year surgical resident who got pregnant. So there was no point in trying to use flowery words para pagandahin pakinggan ang katotohanan.

 “Aaah, so you’re that resident.” He said while waving his finger at me, chuckling. “I thought it was Maxine or yung batchmate mo. Didn’t think it was you.”

 Iba naman ang department ng Neurosurgery from General Surgery kaya wala kaming encounters ni Dr. Valle during our first and second years. We had our neurosurgery rotation during our third and fourth years and that was just for a couple of months each year and that was the only neurosurgery exposure we got. Yung ibang consultants nila paminsan-minsan pumupuntang Cutting Time to socialize and to “recruit” applicants.

 Di ko alam pano mag-respond sa sinabi nya kaya uminom na lang ako.

 “Anyway, I came here to ask you if you’ve decided on your subspecialty?”

 “I was thinking Pedia Surg, doc, or TCVS.”

 “Not interested in Neurosurg?” humarap na sya sa akin, his eyebrow raised and he had a smirk on. Eto na, this is the moment! The moment of the sales talk. Pero bago pa man ako makasagot, dumating si Dr. Ed Divinagracia at inakbayan si Dr. Valle.

“Christian! Ano to, nire-recruit mo yata tong bata ko e!” ani ni Dr. E-di. “Cara, diba sabi mo noong interview mo gusto mo mag TCVS?”

“Aah, e, opo sir.” Nanliit ako bigla. Naalala nya pa pala mga pinagsasasabi ko noong nag-apply pa ako!

“Ganon ba? I’m sure it has changed, diba Cara?” Dr. Valle put me on the spot. Walang hiya tong mga to! Dinadamay pa ako sa pataasan nila ng ihi!

 “Uh, actually, I’m still undecided sir. I got interested kasi po in Pedia Surg,” I sank deeper in my seat.

 “You mentioned that during the interview also. You can still treat kids when you’re TCVS. Daming bata na nangangailangan ng heart valve repair or bypasses.”

 “True! You could really help the kids with hydrocephalus, brain tumors, astrocytomas..” Dr. Valle argued.

 Patuloy silang nagyayabangan sa kung anong mas magandang subspecialty when I inadvertently looked at the news. Nagsasalita ang anchor but wala akong maintindihan sa sinasabi niya because I could not lip read. Nabigla na lang ako when I saw the footage that followed and what the news ticker said.

“Illicit video of model and millionaire boyfriend leaked”

 Behind it was footage of Grace being hounded by cameras, mics and recorders shoved to her face. She wore huge designer shades and her hair was down, her lips shut in a tight line.  She tried covering her face with her hand as she rushed to a white sedan that was heavily tinted and drove away.

The next footage made me drop my beer to the floor with an earth-shattering ka-pssshh.