The Exhibitionist (Filipino)

Kabanata 10

I don't really have a memory, growing up. It sort of like, hidden on the depths of my unconsciousness, and every time I think about how I was back then, my head just aches. It's like, there's too much floating on the surface of my mind right now, and if I tried to take the ones deep down, everything will burst out of my encephalon.

It's like I'm not allowed to rummage through every drawers in my brain about the past—like my mind can't endure the pain of reciprocating, turning up the other end of the iceberg in sight, like it isn't possible.

What's only vivid in my memory from the past are these white walls. Whenever I think about those white walls, hindi ko mapigilang hindi maisip ang amoy ng alcohol, sanitizers, tools, even blood, and anaesthesia.

It's a hospital. I am so sure of it.

Whenever I think about the past, it's the only memory I can retrieve without ache. Just the memory of the hospital. Maybe that's the time when my mother died. The reason why I hated hospitals so much. The reason why I fainted, even just a few steps from the entrance.

It's a horrible—and disgusting in a way, sight for me.

I never got to experience a mother's love because of her early death. I don't even have a single memory about her—or mind you, a picture. My Granny said that the only longest time I got to see my mother was when she was rushed to the hospital, covered in blood.

My mother was a famous journalist.

She never got to come home because she's always far away, kung wala sa headquarters at TV stations, ay nasa police station, nag-aabang ng crime and something na pwedeng i-dig for news.

Halos iyon na nga ang bahay niya keysa sa manor na tinitirahan naman ni Granny. Because she doesn't want to miss every single case. Kahit sobrang liit lang no'n, it's important to her. Because for her, sa maliliit nagsisimula ang lahat, until you collect all the small pieces, and that's when you can see the bigger picture. It's always a puzzle.

But Granny said that when I was a kid, my mom and I talked a lot on phone calls. Though I can't remember that, I'm pretty sure we did.

She never knew that I got this disorder.

Having Exhibitionistic Disorder is not inheritable (I think). But I don't know how I got this. The only thing that Granny told me is that there's an incident when I was a kid. And I wouldn't dare ask her what, because I will not like the answer, she said—so I never really asked. I don't know who my father was. But Granny said he died a long time ago, being the irresponsible father that he was. She even knocked her balled fist on her table when she told me that, as if afraid my father's soul would haunt her, but she didn't called for the peace of his soul in Heaven, not like what any others would say to pay respect for the soul.

Having a disorder like mine is never a burden to me. I mean, it made me feel exactly like any ordinary person. I am ordinary, yes, but I'm an exhibitionist.

I mean, everyone can be. But they chose to be conservative. But in my case, I can not choose, because that's the way it is—that's the way I am. Strip or have a headache for the sense of dissatisfaction. I chose pleasure every single time, and showing-off is to satisfy myself.

"Ma'am Millicent, kayo ho ba ay nagugutom na?" bungad ni Gustava pagbukas niya ng aking pinto. I smiled at her and then immediately shook my head.

"I just ate the scones Granny bought for me, I'm full." ngiti ko sa matanda na agad naman niyang ikinatungo.

"Okay lang ho ba kayo? Hindi po ba kayo na-harrass ng kaklase ninyo?" muli pang tanong ni Gustava, halata sa mukha niya ang pag-aalala. Agad akong umiling sa kaniya.

"I'm fine, I didn't see him at all." sagot ko naman sa matanda at saka ay umayos na ako sa aking pag-upo sa kama ko.

Sa peripheral view ko ay nakita ko ang muling pagtango ni Gustava at saka ay unti-unti na niyang isinara ang pinto.

Agad akong napahinga ng malalim.It didn't bother me at all.

It's also true that I didn't see his p***s out. What shocked me was when I saw blood on Cameron's lip the moment Boney's knuckles went flying on his. It's an awful sight.

I didn't like it—even made my stomach churn.Or maybe, I'm just being exaggerated. They said it's all fine and just a scratch on the lip. And maybe, it's just about me, not liking violence.

I've never actually seen one.

It's a free-violence home anyway.

* * *

My phone rang.Kinapa ko agad sa tabi ko ang aking phone, at nang makita ko na ay tinignan ko ang caller ID. I don't usually answer calls when I don't have any ideas who I will be talking with.

Unknown

Napakibit-balikat ako at saka sinagot pa rin ang tawag.

"Millicent?" the familiar voice asked. Napakunot ang noo ko. I'm not sure but I had to ask.

"Maximilian?"

"It's me." sagot niya agad na nagpa-angat sa mga labi ko. Okay, so he's calling me now. And where did he even get my number?

"Professor Devon gave me your number. She said to contact you about my membership. I need one tomorrow dahil may event." diretsong paliwanag niya bago ko pa man siya matanong, na agad nakapagpaikot sa mga mata ko.

"You really want to join my club that bad, huh?" natatawang sambit ko na lang sa kaniya, "My club's very unique, Max. I only accept those who have disorders. You seem fine to me. You don't need our club."

Narinig ko ang tawa niya sa sinabi ko, "Your club is Greek Society, not Disorder Club. Need I remind you that?"

Napaikot ko na lamang ang aking mga mata sa sinabi niya.

"I only accept those who have disorder." tipid na sagot ko at dapat ay ibababa ko na ang call niya nang bigla ay sabihin niya ang mga sumusunod na salitang hindi ko alam na maririnig ko.

"I don't experience s****l arousal." sambit niya na nagpanganga sa akin. Tila nabingi ako sa narinig ko. "Is that enough a disorder for me to join your club?"

"What?" halos pabulong ko na lang na tanong ko. Tila sumisikip ang lalamunan ko sa narinig ko sa kaniya.

"Hindi ako tinitigasan!" bigla ay tila nairitang sambit niya nang akala niya ay hindi ko siya naiintindihan.

Nang marinig ko ang translation niya ay bigla akong napahagalpak ng tawa.

He's what?

Pero naging tahimik sa kabilang linya, dahilan para agad kong itigil ang pagtawa ko.

"Okay, sorry. Nadala lang." paghingi ko agad ng tawad sa kaniya.

"So, you're impotent?" seryoso kong tanong sa kaniya at dapat ay iwe-welcome ko na siya nang bigla niyang dinepensahan ang kaniyang sarili.

"It's not impotence." madiin niyang sambit, "I'm not a heavy smoker or drinker to cause an early impotence—am not impotent."

Napaikot ko na lang ang mga mata ko sa pagdepensa niya sabay sinabing, "Okay. Whatever you say, Imp." I even used a reference from Game of Thrones, Peter Dinklage's famous nickname: the Imp, but it seemed like he knew what reference I used, and he did not like it, kasi ay bigla niyang ibinaba ng pagkalakas-lakas ang tawag.

But I smiled despite that.

I think I know what to do now.

No s****l arousal, you say huh?

I'm going to cure that, baby.

You can not have no s****l arousal after me.

It's just impossible.