ALMOST LOVE

CHAPTER 01

Inayos ko ng bahagya ang pagkakahawi sa buhok kong nasa gilid habang nakatingin sa camera ng isa sa mga sikat at kilalang International Photographer dito sa France na si Oley.

Isang Lebanese-French guy at kilala sa Modeling World bilang isang tanyag na Photographer.

Ilang besis ko na siyang naka trabaho at masasabi kong isa siyang professional sa larangan na ito.

He's very professional to the point na kahit anong pose at damit mo hindi ka maiilang sa kanya. He will guide you instead and make you feel comfortable throughout the photoshoot.

Day off ko ngayong sa isang pribadong hospital na aking pinagtratrabahuan. Kaya dumaan ako sa aking clinic bago tumungo sa nasabing set ng isang kilalang clothing brands na kumuha sa akin upang maging model.

"Bravo. Bravo. One more Taz.

Give me that fierce and seductive look for this last shot". Sabay click niya sa kanyang camera na kanina pa hawak-hawak.

Mas pinag igihan ko pa ang pag popose upang madaling matapos ang shoot na ito.

No worries. He can do some magic to whatever objects he captured. Kaya kahit anong mga pose ang gawin ko kaya niyang kunin at sundan ng walang kahirap-hirap.

Talk about skilled person.

Di naman nakakapagtaka na sikat siya kahit saang parti ng mundo.

Sa loob ng limang taong pananatili ko sa lugar na ito.

Natutunan at napag aralan ko na ang halos lahat ng mga gawi nila.

From their languages, foods, clothing and even their behaviours.

I can say that I'm a certified Parisien (tawag sa mga local na naninirahan sa Paris).

Actually, I'm really a French Citizen na years ago pa.

It's a MUST kung gusto mong magpatuloy sa pag-aaral. Medyo strict kasi ang Local na pamahalaan ng France pagdating sa mga bagay na ganyan.

Pero dahil sa pangarap na-iraos ko din naman.

Diko lang akalaing mapagsasabay ko ang aking pag aaral at minsanang pagraraket sa mga gigs na may modeling, upang buhayin ang aking sarili at maipagpatloy ang aking pag-aaral. At dahil din doon, kaya ko nakilala ang aking mga matalik na kaibigan.

Five years ago, I'm just the normal teenager girl.

Emitaz "Emi" Barcelona who wanted to make her parents proud.

That little girl who will seek and do everything just to have the approval of everyone around her.

That girl who loves to prioritise other people happiness than hers.

That girl who loves to give her all just to be acknowledged by the people around her.

That girl who happened to loved the wrong person.

That girl who happened to experience the hardships and difficulties of life at the very young age...

But, that pushed me to turn my back to everyone even my family and leave the country with heartaches and broken souls alone.

Five years later...

I am now Emitaz "Taz" Barcelona. The Famous Model "Taz" and a Pediatricians Doctor in one of the Prestigious Hospital here in France.

I'm modeling and endorsing popular and big name brands inside and outside Europe. I've been known as a "QUEEN TAZ" in modeling world-wide.

I'm also the youngest Pediatricians Doctor and most in demand doctor in town.

I didn't expect my life would turn to be this successful, looking at it now. From all the things that happened way back five years ago. It feels surreal.

But then, I know I deserve the life I have right now. I worked really hard to have it.

I remember all the hardships I've been through. All the tears I cried out. All the insults from the people I least expect to take.

All the memories I buried seven feet under just to keep living. Just to continue breathing...

I can say that everything happens for a reason. Everything that happened has its purpose.

We may not know it now. But soon we will be.

Just look at where I am right now. I'm successful in the fields I choose to take. And everything.... even my hardships pays off. We deserve the life we dream and work so hard to have.

I can't say that I'm happy, but I'd rather say I'm contented with the life I am living right now. I have my dream job which is becoming a Pediatricians Doctor.

I love kids so much and it becomes my hobby to do some field works for the past years. And my modeling career is just just a bonus.

I just can't let it go that easily because it's the job that keep me going when I have no one else to run to.

Modeling is my refugee. And it will stays that way.

"Yes. Okay. Bravo.

It's a wrap everyone! Thank you for today". sabi ni Taylor ang head manager ng clothing brand na kumuha sa akin.

"Hey Taz! Are you going straight home? You wanna join us? We're going to Café de Florence". sabi ni Lily isang stylist at isa sa mga matatalik kung kaibigan.

"Maybe next time! You guys can go ahead. I still have so many paper works to do". sabi ko habang patuloy na liniligpit ang mga gamit kong naka kalat dahil sa pagmamadali ko kanina.

"Ang workaholic mo talaga girl sige ka di ka magkaka boyfriend niyan. Sayang ganda bebe. Sayang lahi". ani Lily.

Yup! Isang pinay din si Lily at nagkakilala kami sa isang photo shoot four years ago kung saan siya ang aking naging stylist sa naturang event. At kalaunan ay naging isa sa mga tinuring kung matalik kaibigan.

Lima kaming magkakaibigan at may kanya-kanya nang pinagkaka abalahan.

Lahat ay busy sa mga trabaho at ang iba'y nasa bakasyon.

Gayunpaman, Hindi namin nakakalimutan e update ang isa't-isa. At mag set ng dates once a month kung nasa City ang lahat.

My best friends became my family for years now. Hindi kami nagka kahiwalay, not until recently na kailangan ng ibang bumalik sa kani-kanilang lugar upang gampanan ang kanilang tungkulin sa kanilang mga pamilya.

I'm okay with it though. Hindi naman habang buhay kami-kami lang ang mag kasama kailangan din naming mabuhay na malayo sa isat-isa. Basta at nasa maayos na kalagayan lamang sila ay wala akong problema doon.

"Boyfriend? Ano yun? Nakakain ba yun?". Sabi ko pa na may kasamamang sarcasm.

"Gaga! Syempre nakakain yung alam mo na". Sabi niya sabay taas baba ng kilay at hagikgik.

Napailing na lamang ako at nagpatuloy sa pag-aayos para maka uwi at pahinga ng maaga.

"Pero seriously bakit mo naman binasted yung hot papa na si Rolf? Girl ang yummy kaya ng lalaking yun ha! Kita mo yung abs niya? Omg! 8 packs yun girl! 8 freaking packs! Laman din ng tiyan ang isang iyun tapos ang choosy mo pa". Irap ni Lily

"Ly we cannot force ourself to love someone we don't even like in the first place. Isa pa, I've been very clear to him from the very start na hanggang friends lang talaga ang kaya kung e offer sa kanya. At hanggang doon lang talaga iyon.

He just insisted to continue but everytime I have a chance to talk to him, I'm really telling him to stop dahil wala siyang mapapala sa akin". Sabay hawi ng buhok kung magulo na dahil sa pagpapalit ko ng damit kanina.

" Why don't you just give him a chance to prove himself to you? Maybe he's really the one for you. Just take a risks and try to open up a bit Taz maybe it will really work this time". Sabi niya na may lungkot at pangamba sa mga mata.

I can't blame her though. She knows me well. She know every bit of me. We knew each other for a while now.

We are closed friends anyway. She where I am coming from and my life's been a open book to them, to all my best friends.

Isa siya sa mga naging sandalan ko nang bumalik na sa Pilipinas ang pinaka closed kung best friend na si Zoe.

Speaking of that woman.

I miss her so much. Kailan kaya siya babalik?

Mukhang enjoy talaga ito sa dalawang buwan na bakasyon niya sa Pilipinas at hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa nagpaparamdam sa akin.

"Didn't I told you last time that I'm trying? But it didn't work Lily. I can't force myself to love someone, I just don't. It will be unfair in his side if I do.

Isa pa marami namang babae na umaaligid sa kanya. Maybe he just find me challenging dahil ako lang naman ang babaeng di bumibigay sa kanya, that's why". Iling ko sabay sarado ng bag na inaayos ko.

"Anyway, I'll keep going now. Enjoy kayo doon a. Don't worry about me, I'm really fine. Mas mabuting ng maging productive ako ngayong araw dahil day off ko sa hospital diba? Isa pa pinaghahandaan ko pa ang darating na Medical Mission this weekend. Di ko pweding mamissed ang isang iyon". Sabay taas baba ko ng kilay sa kanya at ngiti patalikud habang kumakaway paalis.

"Hoy! Ikaw babae ka! Pag ikaw talaga ay tumandang dalaga itatakwil kita bilang kaibigan, tandaan mo yan". Sigaw niya sabay tawa.

Kumaway lamang ako at tumango sa mga crews na busy sa pag-aayos ng mga gamit sa set habang patuloy na naglalakad papuntang elevator at pumasok doon, kasabay ng pag pindot ko ng GF(Ground Floor) button.

Habang sumasara ang elevator ang isip ko'y lumilipad at nasa usapan pa rin namin ni Lily.

"Okay naman ako na ako lang mag-isa. Di naman required ang pagboboyfriend hindi ba? Wala pa naman akong nabalitaang nakulong o namatay sa kawalan ng boyfriend. Tsss". Utal ko sa sarili sabay irap sa hangin.

Tamang tama naman na bumukas ang elevator at tuloy-tuloy ang aking paglakad palabas kung nasaan naka park ang aking itim na Porsche na sasakyan. Kinawayan ko na lamang ang isang valet na naka standby sa gilid.

Mataas pa ang sikat ng araw. Maganda sa balat ang katamtamang init nito dahil pa-spring season na dito sa France. Maganda ang klima sa ganitong araw.

Binuksan ko ang pinto sa likod ng sasakyan at doon linagay ang aking mga bags na ginamit sa event.

Pagkatapos ay tuluyang pumasok sa driver sit.

"Let's go and continue to be productive today Taz it's still a long day ahead for you". Sabi ko habang binuksan ang stereo ng sasakyan at tuluyan ng umalis sa lugar.

'Suspended in the air

I hear myself breathing

Hanging by a thread

My hearts is barely breathing ...

Sinabayan ko ang kanta ni Moira na "Before It Sinks In" isa ito sa mga paborito kong kanta na naka on repetition mode sa aking playlist.

Dumating ako sa aking apartment na tinutuluyan at pinarada ang aking sasakyan sa parking lot na nakalaan para sa akin at tuluyang pumasok sa bahay.

Kaagad na hinarap ang mga gawaing dapat kanina ko pa ginawa.

"Aahhhh". Ani ko sabay stretch ng mga paa at balikat kung nanakit dahil sa ilang oras na shooting.

Being a Model and a Pediatricians Doctors at the same time is enjoying and tiring. But it's also fulfilling.

Lalo na kung may mga extra ka pang medical activities maliban sa Hospital katulad ko.

I joined severals Medical Mission Programs that helps people in the country-side and isolated areas to have a proper medical care especially for their children's.

It's really an honor to be a part of this community program because you don't only help them.

You also get to know different kinds of cultures and learn something that the hospitals aren't teaching.

You got to experience life outside your comfort zone. Not that I didn't experience it yet. Because I did, I experience it first hand years ago. But I love doing what I'm doing now and that is to help people through my learnings in the fields of medicine. And it's my passion.

Last three years ago. They invited me to joined them in Medical Mission in a particular Mountain. I like it and it's such a memorable experience.

So I continued to joined their group and be an active member until now. And the rest is history.

At kahapun nakatanggap ako ng Invitation galing sa naturang organisations.

Naka saad sa isang email na may gaganaping isang Medical Mission sa darating na Sabado hanggang Linggo.

Sa isa sa mga isolated areas sa bundok ng Tyre. Northern part of France. Hindi kataka-taka na doon naisipan ng Team na pumunta dahil masukal at bundukin ang naturang lugar. At malayo sa sibilisasyon kahit kuryenti ay di ko sigurado kung abot sa nasabing lugar. Nakaka awa ang mga taong doon banda nakatira at kailangan pang bumiyahe ng apat hanggang tatlong oras upang malapatan ng medisina sa bayan na paunang lunas lamang ang kaya.

Kaya naman kilangan kong tapusin lahat ng trabaho ko bago dumating ang weekends dahil ayokong matambakan ng mga gawain pagbalik ko.

Humikab ako at tumayo para gumawa ng coffee sa coffee maker. At kumuha ng isang chocolate bar sa kitchen counter bago bumalik sa pagkakasalampak sa sahig at ipagpatuloy ang naudlot na gawain.

Hinarap ko na ang laptop at sinimulan ang mga naka file na files sa pagreview. Marami-rami din ang mga ito. Kung di masisimulan ngayon paniguradong tambakan ang mga gawain ko pagbalik ko galing sa Medical Mission na iyon. At iyon ang ayaw na ayaw kong mangyari.

Hindi ko gusto na natatambakan ng gawain.

Hanggang sa hindi ko na namalayan ang oras at mag aalas onse na pala ng gabi. Sinave ko na ang mga files sa USB upang makasiguro at sinarado ang aking laptop.

Tumayo ako at hinugasan ang basong pinag timplahan ko ng kape. And go straight to my toilet to wash up. After taking a half bath. I went straight to my bed.

Habang naka higa naalala ko nanaman ang napag usapan naman kanina ni Lily.

"I'm sorry Lily, I don't think I can. I don't think I am ready to open up my heart again. I don't want to experience the same pain I've been through, years ago. I don't want to comeback to my old self. I don't think I can survive if I'll experience it again this time. I don't think I am brave enough to risk everything I work hard for the past years just to shattered again.

And I don't think there's someone out there who can destroy the invisible shield I build to protect myself years ago. I am better off alone. Mas pipiliin ko pang mag-isa kaysa umasa at manghingi ng pagmamahal at kalinga galing sa ibang tao na walang kasiguraduhan kung ma rereciprocate ba nito ang nararamdaman ko. I don't want to beg for anything. I just don't.

For the past years. I've been trying so hard to study the art of Self Love.

I did. It's not easy. But there's a process. And eventually I learned it. I learn to love myself more. I love myself now. I know my worth and it's enough for me.

We really reach to the point of our life where we realise that other people's perception of us is not our responsibility anymore,

I feel like I don't need to explain or prove. I have nothing to explain, I have nothing to prove to anybody because I know who I am deep inside. And that's what matter most. ". My heart sank as I hold my blanket tightly and force to close my eyes to sleep.

Love never hurts anybody. And If you feel like you have been hurt by love, it is something else in you. Not your loving quality, that feels hurt. Love Hurts.

And hurting to heal is something we need to refresh our soul from breaking.

Never again.

Hinding-hindi na ulit ako susugal sa isang bagay na alam kong sa dulo ako ang dehado. Ako ang talo.

I don't want to experience that hellish pain that almost kill my soul.

It's only you who can comfort yourself. No one understands your pain as much as you do. Because at the end of the day. I only have me. Myself.

Nobody  is coming to save you so be your own damn hero.