Letters For High School Misfits

CHAPTER 2

August 7, 2018

For my future self,

I have read a quote somewhere that encourages everyone to do something today your future self will thank you for. This is it. This is the thing that I am doing that I know I will be thankful for in the future.

I want to record and write things for my own memory and for me to look back on my journey towards finding my own self.

But as a reminder, because who would know that I will have amnesia in the future, let me introduce myself to myself. Weird. Well, that is the first fact about me.

I am a senior year in The Academy. Yay! Who would have thought that someone who came from a poor family would study in THE Academy? I got a scholarship from them because I was, modesty aside, the smartest student in my year in my former high school. I excelled in all of my subjects but now that I am here in The Academy, I don’t know if I will still excel because they got a lot of subjects. They call it electives or other fields of study. They think that it will be necessary for us. High school is just 4 years, but they boast that they managed to include everything that is necessary to bring out the best in every student. I saw the curriculum, it was really hard. Even above-average students will have a hard time mastering all of the lessons.

I have no regrets that I accepted the scholarship from The Academy. For us, education at The Academy is like a ticket to success. I will finally be able to have an opportunity to study to the most prestigious school in college with full scholarship, get a decent and hopefully lucrative job, and provide for my parents and family. I have two sisters, they are twins and both of them are still in elementary. My parents told me that I should be the one who will send them to school. I said yes.

Now that I have a full scholarship, my parents need not worry about my expenses in school. At least, I have lessened their burden.

Also, I am very excited to study here because my experience in my former school was, err, not good. Just because I don’t speak a lot they thought I was weird. Just because I didn’t interact with most of them and basically have no friends they thought I was different. They said that I was soft. They said that I sometimes act like a little girl. I didn’t believe them. But I always feel scared whenever they will threaten me that the authorities will pick me up to send to The Camp.

That is why I never responded whenever those bullies would pick me and call me names. I was afraid that if I fight back they will talk to the authorities and say that there is a suspected queer in the school.

It really sucks. My first three years in high school were horrible. I had no friends. I had no one. I was used to going and leaving school alone. Our small library was my home. I had no feelings about leaving that school. I'm lying. I have, but that doesn't concern any of my classmates.

They thought I was queer and they don’t want to associate themselves to me. Thankfully, my former high school was just small so no one really pays attention to it.

But now that I am in The Academy, I feel like I succeeded. This is an elite high school for straights and I managed to penetrate it with my smarts. Haha. Jokes on my highschool bullies.

“Hi, my name is Bryan Agoncillo. Nice to meet you all,” I draw on a big smile when I introduced myself in front of the class. I was hoping that that smile would attract people to talk to me.

I have a classmate who is older than the rest of us. His name is Gab. He is tall. Maybe 6 feet. He is also handsome, but not because I am attracted to him. I don’t want you to think that. He is handsome, like the handsome that I envy.

But you know what, I have to be really honest with this letter. I promise myself to be one hundred percent honest with this letter, that I sometimes feel weird around...boys.

Let me end with that. I don’t want to explore those thoughts.

I want to prove something to myself.

Maybe you’ll ask, how are my first two days in The Academy? Well, it was great. I haven’t spoken to anyone but...we’ll get to that soon. I hope. Sometimes I feel like they are staring at me, or at my uniform because they are a bit large to my body. My mom says it’s ok because I am still growing so my uniform already has an allowance and space for my growth.

But to prove something to myself that I am straight and not what my high school bullies think I am, I plan to recreate myself in my last year in The Academy.

Here, no one knows who I was before. I can start all over again. I just need to prove it to myself, that I am straight, that I don’t really feel weird around, err, boys. That I know how to court girls.

Yes, my plan is to have a girlfriend before graduation. I hope it will be easy. I have a lot to choose from here. There are a lot of girls of all sizes and colors. They are beautiful to me. Really? No. Some of them, well, I think most of them, I don’t like. I hate the way they walk like they are trying to attract boys. I don’t like how they hair smell. It reeks of perfume and vanilla shampoo. It was too strong for my nose. Most of the girls my age wear makeup. I don’t see the point where you have to spend hours to paint your face with chemicals and colors.

But I think I have seen the girl of my dreams. Her name is Agatha Silvio. She’s in my class and I can say that she’s the prettiest girl in The Academy. I like her clothes. It’s always on point and ironed. I think we will look good together. I am a few inches taller than her. She has long, wavy, black hair that is always shiny. I wonder what’s her shampoo.

She also has a face of an angel. She has almond-shaped eyes, a straight nose, and pursed lips. She looks like someone who wouldn’t do anything bad. She looks like someone who would help you whenever you need something or those girls who love dogs and would cry a lot if their pet died.

I just hope that she still remembers me though. Because a few times in my childhood, his father will always come to visit our house to treat me. He loves to treat children in my neighborhood. My memories are not that clear anymore but one thing’s for sure; Agatha’s father is kind. I wish his father still remembers me.

Also, Mr. Silvio is our school principal. I hope I’ll get the chance to talk to him privately and introduce myself to him. Maybe he’ll think that I am a good fit for his daughter, that I will be a good son-in-law. Who knows, right?

But right now, I am still working on my people skills. Even talking to my classmates are hard. I am always intimidated by their big personalities. They always talk about movies and tv shows I haven’t seen or heard ever in my life. We only have one working channel in our home.

Also, my classmates talk about the latest trends and personalities I don’t even know who. Maybe because they own such expensive things and gadgets. They all smell good. Probably, their perfume are expensive.

I am just out of their league. But I think they are nice, they just don’t want to talk to me. But I hope that someday I can relate to them, especially to Agatha. She’s smart and beautiful. What can I ask for? She’s perfect. I just wish she thinks that I am also perfect. For her.

I saw her left The Academy this afternoon with a limousine, with butler opening the door for her. I wonder how does it feel like to open a door for a princess like her. I would love to do that to her.

When I got home, I m*********d with her on my mind. I imagined that we were kissing at the back of her limousine. I touched myself like I imagined how I want her to touch me. But I came after an hour of j*********f. It was a long and tiring process. And I came too little. My parents almost caught me. 

It was weird. Usually, when I j******f I would come in the first 15-20 minutes. Maybe Agatha is special. I think she’s special.

Always trying to be real,

Bry