Nowhere To Go (MxM)

Nowhere To Go Volume 1 Takano Masamune Chapter 1: Describe myself *** If I had to pinpoint where it began that I completely lost all desire for everything… I’d have a hard time remembering… It’s been so long since I’ve been outside that even the daylight seems to bother my eyelids… There’s a word for people like me, it’s a shut-in… But what else can I even be at this point? I’m already 52 years old, I’m too old to be anything worthwhile, I’m too introverted to even speak a sentence to the cashier other than a meek hi and a pathetic bye upon leaving. If I had to describe the sight I see in the mirror every day, it’s a person that’s exhausted from life, with nothing special or unique about their appearance enough to make a difference in this life… I used to have a drive to do things when I was younger… but it all died down when my entire life came crashing above my head. I lost my business and my income was reduced to a measly wage which was by no means enough to support me. I lived with roommates to years until they moved on with their lives and began families of their own… leaving me by myself… I can’t say I’m not happy for them… but sometimes when I look at those around me I can’t help but think that life is moving for them but it never was moving for me. When it comes to my romantic life I couldn’t even tell you what romance is… I spend most of my life avoiding getting into relationships, even if a small part of me craves knowing the touch of another person, the anxiety and fear I feel when I begin such an Endeavour completely consumes my existence… Is a person like me, even worth existing? I might have impacted someone in my life… but somehow I don’t feel like it even matters anymore… I don’t think any of it matters… “Again? You got rejected again!? This is the 11th time already!” I heard that all too familiar sounding tone that reprimanded me for my every action… it was almost no different than that of my mother, besides the fact that it came from a stranger this time. “If you can’t get a loan from anywhere you will have to pay us back in other means.” The mean expression on that man’s face made me question if I shouldn’t have just ended things already a long time ago. “What means?” I asked, it wasn’t out of curiosity but rather fear. “Experimental drugs. You take them and we record the process on what happens with you.” The man said while pulling out a small bag of pills from his coat pocket. It looked like he had already prepared them in advance, it’s because he knew I wouldn’t be able to pay back my debt. “Okay, will this cover the interest as well?” I asked, as if the last bit of my sanity was still intact. “Sure for this month only.” He spoke with a knowing grin. I took the pill without much hesitation, whether it would kill me or get me high, it didn’t matter, it was a month’s worth of payment… After I consumed it, I felt like nothing had happened… but it took less than ten minutes for it to take effect… As I stared at his expression that did not move, I then looked down at my hands which were shaking, my chest was heaving, my heart was racing so fast that it hurt… each throb felt like it was hitting against my ribcage threatening to break through it. My vision became blurry until I could no longer make out anything around me. My entire body felt like it was in utter pain… It was worse than anything I’d ever experienced in my lifetime… for the past 52 years I had never felt such an intense desire to live either… I saw it all flashing right before my eyes, everything I ever regretted not achieving, everything I messed up, everything I did wrong… The guilt and sorrow of being a pathetic loser didn’t let me rest even in a moment before death. Every joint in my body was crying, and I felt like my throat was swollen, I couldn’t even groan in pain since my breath fell short. At one point I couldn’t recognize whether I was awake or not… because of how vivid I could see it all…. Every memory that I had tried so hard to suppress until this point, popped out and forced me into a corner. I was forced to stare at myself in my most pathetic state… I had lost everything in this lifetime and I had never tried to regain it back because of my fears… I became a shut in so that I could avoid the scorching gazes of those around me, so that I could hide myself from those more successful than me… so that I could disregard my constant feelings of inferiority that I struggled with on the daily… I had to pretend I was happy… but then be completely miserable inside… until… Until… What was it again? Everything around me turned completely black and I couldn’t even feel any pain… no, I didn’t feel anything at all, as if I had reached a state of non existence… was I even still alive? By the time I got to my senses I was laying in a bed much more comfortable than my own… looking around the room definitely wasn’t a hospital and yet I didn’t recognize where I was either… until I noticed the nightstand with something laying on top of it, various lubricants and a few s*x toys… Instantly I felt on edge… but then I remembered I wasn’t one of the most attractive people on this earth, so what reason would they have to drug a 52 year old ugly person and drag them to a hotel, right? “You’re finally awake? Took you long enough, my boner went soft a while ago…” The person across the room complained, until my vision got cleared up I assumed it would be a horny guy down on his luck. But to my surprise it was a rather handsome and young person… maybe in his twenties? He didn’t look like someone who would want me but then yet there were all kinds of people in this world… “Where am I?” I asked, but something in my voice seemed a bit different. I couldn’t quite tell what it was though. “Hm? Was that drug so good you even forgot where you are?” He asked me as he moved closer to the bedside and sat down. “You’re here to do your end of the deal, or do you not want that role anymore?” He questioned me with a smirk on his face as if I knew what was going on, but the thing was I didn’t… I didn’t understand any of this! Before I could open my mouth however I turned to the side and grabbed the phone next to me, it wasn’t my phone, it definitely wasn’t… but… what surprised me even more was the reflection I saw in it, wasn’t my own either. The person I saw at that moment wasn’t some old guy that’s tired of his life, but rather a young man that looked rather handsome if I may say so myself… “Am I hallucinating?” I asked stupidly. “Maybe you are, by the looks of it whatever that drug you took it’s not having the effect you wanted it to. Let’s postpone this if you’re so unwilling. Though I might end up giving the role to someone else if you take too long to consider things…” The man spoke arrogantly as he was attractive, I guess that’s what happens when you get coddled in life. He headed to the shower while I stood out of bed trying to figure out what was happening. I could feel it though, I wasn’t dead. And not only was I alive but I was in the body of a man much younger and better looking than myself… Or maybe I was sleeping? It was far too real to be a dream, far too real so…