Dallas.

so many questions

Dallas

I have all of these questions swirling in my head with no answers. I couldn't call her. Dad kept bugging me, but I just couldn't do it. We are landing at home now, so I have to face things. I can't hide and cry anymore. I need to step up and be there. We step off the plane and dad is waiting for us by the truck. I can feel the glare through his glasses. "Mommy" My little munchkin hops out and runs to me. She jumps into my arms and everything inside of me settles. "Baby girl. I missed you so much." I say. I can feel the tears falling from my eyes again. Thank god I am wearing these humongous shades, so she doesn't notice. I hate it when she realizes that I am sad, because she gets sad too. Then she asks her daddy to make us happy again and, well, I don't need that right now. Making me happy will end with us both naked. We can't go there.

"Daddy" she squeals and reaches for Tyler, who easily takes her from my arms and fills her face with kisses. "I missed you, daddy." she says. He pulls out something from his pocket and I realize it is one of those little chocolate eggs with tiny toys inside that she is super into right now. I shake my head, but smile. He is so thoughtful. "Thank you daddy. I still need a tiny gold chair to complete my tiny kitchen. I have a feeling it is in here." she says excitedly. He carries her to the truck and we all get inside. No-one says a word. Tyler sits next to Austyn and I sit next to him. Albina is in the back and Terrance is in the front with dad.

I watch Tyler with Austyn and I love their relationship. My stomach hurts thinking about the terrible mistake I made by sleeping with Beau in high school. I mean, he was my boyfriend, but this is proof that it only takes one time for your life to be flipped upside down. I hate that he so easily walked away from her. Why did things have to go this way? Why couldn't Tyler be her real dad? Oh yeah, he was dating my best friend back then and Beau, f*cking Beau. I will never forgive him for what he did to me. To blame his dad for dumping me and then not even having the decency to tell me face to face that he didn't want anything to do with our daughter. What a b!tch. Oh well, he is the only one missing out here. My daughter has a great life and the best daddy in the world. He might not be who made her, but he sure is raising her and doing a damn good job at it too. I hope that never changes.

We get to dad's house and the rest of our family is there. Everyone is sad, crying and hugging each other. I hate this. I hate crying. I hate people being sad. I hate flowers. This is exactly how things were when mom and Austin died. I suddenly feel like I can't breathe. This is too much for me, so I make my way to the back yard. My phone beeps with a message, so I check it.

"Hey, the season is over. I have some down time before I return to training camp. Can I come see you? My sister-in-law misses you and she wants to come too. She won't stop bugging me about it. She says you won't respond to her. Let me know. We can work out together like we did before. You have lost so much weight already. Those exercises I taught you worked. I see your pictures and videos. You have been looking so good lately." Aaron, the hockey player texts me. He has been texting me more often lately. I usually read and don't respond or respond with one or two word messages. I don't know what is wrong with me. Ever since Ty and I made out, I haven't been able to function properly, so I have been avoiding him as much as I can. I also hate how fixated he is on my weight. I know I can lose a few pounds, but I don't think I am huge. He makes me feel like I am as big as a house. I know he is right though. I am on stage and in front of cameras. I can't be big. I have to stay fit. "Sure" I respond. because I can't keep avoiding him or Nadia anymore. They know where I am from, where I live. He will come here and I know how she is, so she will push him. They are two very persistent people. Nadia is such a sweetheart. I do miss her. We got close at one point, but I did step back a bit so I can get myself in order. Now with this happening, I guess I realize that I should be kind and keep friends close and just live life the best way possible. "It's time to go" Dad walks back here and tells me. I have no idea how long I was even sitting here staring at my phone. "Yeah, let me go change real quick though." I say.

We walk into the room. It is a big room, filled with so many people. Many turn to look at who is walking in. Dad and the rest of the family walk in first. I am wearing all black. Loose fitting dressy pants and a shirt with long see through sleeves. Black also. With black booties and my black shades. I don't need people seeing my face. I don't want to cause too much commotion, especially here. People tend to get a little crazy over us, so I told my band mates to try to keep a low cover. My band mates are also wearing all black. Everyone wearing black as well. My princess is wearing a black dress and black booties that match mine. I hear the crying coming from the front of the room. The closer I walk, the louder it gets. I reach Tilly and she reaches for Austyn after giving me a hug that I clearly really need. She kisses my cheek and hugs me again. I wish I could just stay here, in her embrace. My mother is dead and she is the closest thing to a mom that I will ever have. I love her so much. Plus, she made Tyler and he is my favorite person after Austyn. Tilly makes me feel safe. The love she gives is pure. "I will sit here with mom and Austyn," Ty tells me and I nod. I walk to the front. I have to say something. I just hope she doesn't snap because I didn't call her. I know how crazy she can get, but this is different.

I reach the first bench right in the front of the room. People are now sitting down and getting settled in. "Oh Dallas, you are here. I knew you would come." I hear her shout, but what catches my eye is the body crunched over the big brown box that brings back so many bad memories. She is very pregnant and she is crying, shaking hysterically. I automatically rush over to her. Her mother can wait. "Adeline! I'm so sorry," I say. She turns and her tear-streaked face breaks my heart. "Dallas. You're here!" she says. She hugs me and doesn't let go. It looks like she is in need of a hug today too. "Of course. How could I not? I will always be here for you guys. You know that, right?" I say. "We don't deserve it." she tells me. "Shhh, don't say that. We're good" I tell her. "Thank you for being such a great friend. Can we get together after this and talk? I need to tell you everything. It is about time." she tells me. I nod.

"Dallas" Noreen says, standing next to me. "Oh Dallas. She had just found a place and was going to start working at the flower shop. They were willing to work with Logan's school schedule and now someone took my baby." she says, crying so loudly. I don't want to judge Noreen. I really don't, but I feel like right now she regrets the way she treated her. How she made her love for one sister more obvious than the other. She never hid it. Regardless, she is a mother hurting and no-one deserves to live this nightmare. I just can't right now. The crying. It's too much. I feel like I am about to have a panic attack. Cali suffers from them too. It's the worst feeling in the world. I feel a hand on my back. "Are you okay?" dad asks me. "I am so sorry for your loss, Noreen. We are all with you right now. We all loved Stephan. She grew up in my house. She was always one of the girls," Hearing him say that is it for me. I break down and start crying. The tears just flow out of me. Adi hugs me and cries too. "We will take care of all the expenses. You pick whatever you think she would want and tell them to speak to me about it," dad tells her. "Thank you John, thank you Dallas. I had no-one else to go to. Now I have to keep her son. I don't know how I am going to do it." she says. "Mom, I am taking Logan with me." Adi tells her. "With that good for nothing man? We can discuss it later. The ceremony is about to start." Noreen says. "Dallas, stay up here with us. Stephan would want it to be this way. I might not agree with your life and I hate what happened with Adi and Tyler, but Stephan loved you so much. The least I can do is do what I think she would want." Noreen tells me and I think that is the nicest insult she has ever told me. Adi shakes her head.

We sit in the chairs and Adi grabs my hands. "Congratulations on your pregnancy." I tell her. She smiles. "Thank you. Mom hates my husband, so he wasn't allowed to come. I am surprised she even called me." she tells me. I'm not surprised. Adi is her golden child. "What happened?" I ask her, because I still don't know what happened. All dad said was that Stephan was dead and I had to come home. "They told us that she was robbed and they think she fought back, not wanting to give her purse and other belongings up, so they smashed a brick into her head. They left her there to die," she says and begins crying again. "My nephew will never see his mom ever again. He looks exactly like her. What are we supposed to do? He was so attached to her. He hasn't been able to stop crying. He just wants to be held and you know mom isn't very m0therly." she whispers to me. I heard everything she just said, but what keeps repeating in my head is that someone smashed a brick into her head. "Did they catch who did it?" I ask her. She shakes her head. "They never do" I mumble. She squeezes my hand tighter. "It's so good to see you, even under these circumstances." she tells me. "How are you? Do you need any help?" I ask her. She shakes her head. "Mom hates my husband, but he is a good provider." she says. She got married and didn't invite me to the wedding. I try not to let that sting. "Shhh girls, this is not a sleepover" Noreen says, so we quietly listen to the priest speak about Stephan. I look around and it looks like the whole town is here. Tyler and I lock eyes. I smile softly. He gives me a half smile, half worried look. "Now we are going to watch a 5 minute video about Stephan's life," he says, and a video begins playing. Pictures and videos from Stephan as a baby, since the day she was born fill the screen. Every birthday, when she started school. My heart begins hurting more when every single picture has Stephan, Adeline and me in it. We really were together all of the time. I watch the whole video play and Adi and I hold hands the whole time. I look at her and she smiles. "Please remember these pictures and videos after we have our talk. When you begin to feel the hate towards me, remember this and my sister." she whispers. I nod. I doubt anything she tells me will make me hate her. She is just being dramatic. The night ends with balloons being released. I squeeze Logan extra hard and dad tells Noreen that we are all behind them.