Holding On

Chapter 1-2

Hours later, I waited in the parking lot, leaning against Jeff’s old Chevy pickup, still upset about the damn detention Mr. Bracket had given me for the first day back after spring break. I kept an eye on the door for Jeff, and when he finally exited the building, he was walking with Kevin Mason. They were laughing about something, but when Jeff saw me, he waved. I waved back, nodding to Kevin.

Jeff jogged to the truck. “Kevin just said he’s having a birthday get-together next week while we’re off for spring break. He’s turning eighteen. Want to go?”

I grinned. “That sounds like fun. It’s been a while since we all got to hang out,” I told him as we climbed into his truck.

“Completely agree,” he said. He found his favorite playlist and turned up the music before we left.

The main road leading from the high school was full of teenagers eager to get their spring break started. I was looking forward to it, too, but I kept wondering what Jeff wanted to talk about. Probably college. He had been trying to talk me into going to the same one for months now. I just couldn’t tell him why I couldn’t leave my mom or sister behind. Sometimes I felt guilty that I kept that part of my life private, but there were just some things a person couldn’t share.

I watched the trail of cars behind us through the side view mirror as the kids began to turn off toward their homes. It was our senior year and I had grown up with most of the students in our class, but I wondered what it would be like after graduation. Would we all stay in touch? People drift apart. God, I hoped Jeff and I wouldn’t.

I slid my gaze to him. He was mouthing the words to the music, not daring to let a sound escape his lips. Poor guy. He loved music, but couldn’t carry a tune. Jeff was the worst singer I had ever heard. Even the middle school choir teacher thought the same thing, letting him transfer out the second week of class. He just had no rhythm to speak of. He hadn’t done much better playing the oboe in band, but he’d tried so hard. I bit my cheek to keep from smiling too big.

He didn’t seem too upset, so maybe whatever was on his mind wasn’t bad. Although, looking back over the last few weeks, he had seemed quieter. Almost shy sometimes when we hung out. I had chalked it up to senior stress, but maybe there was something else. Plus, he did have a crush on someone. Someone with hazel eyes.

If a man talked about my eyes the way he had earlier, I think I would have melted. He obviously had it bad for someone. I tried to filter through the girls in our school, eliminating the ones I knew who had blue or brown eyes. Of course, to be honest, I didn’t really pay that much attention to girls’ eyes, for obvious reasons.

My gut clenched as it dawned on me it might not be college or his crush that he wanted to talk about. Oh, God! What if he had figured out my secret? f**k. I really did want to tell him—I was so tired of living a lie. Yet I also knew I couldn’t lose my best friend at this point in my life, and if he didn’t understand or accept me, I would be lost.

Tears sprang to my eyes, and I looked down, trying to keep myself in check. Great, now I was going to start crying like a girl. My dad’s angry voice echoed in my head telling me to “man the f**k up.” A sniffle escaped.

Jeff must have heard me, because he instantly turned down the music. “You okay, Aaron?”

I looked out the window. This was ridiculous. I was not going to cry about the possibility he found out I was gay. “Just allergies.” Without even turning, I knew he didn’t believe me. I could feel his eyes on the back of my neck, the heat boring into me. He must have decided not to push, because he finally turned up the music.

At my house, I jumped out without even looking at him, mumbling, “Thanks.” I was almost to the door when he called my name. I turned to see him standing outside his truck, between the cab and the open driver’s side door.

“Yeah?”

“Pick you up at five?”

“Sure, see you then.” I hurried inside my house, closed the door, and leaned back against it. Why was I so worried? If he had figured it out, he had figured it out. My rapid heartbeat started to slow as I caught the scent of chocolate chip cookies. “Mom?”

“In here.”

I made my way to the kitchen and found a plate full of fresh-baked cookies. After picking up one and taking a big bite, I was thrilled to find them still warm. “Awebm,” I said with a mouthful of chocolatey-chip goodness.

“Don’t talk with food in your mouth,” she reprimanded with a sparkle in her eye. “And yes, they are awesome, if I do say so myself.”

I laughed and grabbed several more, but I made sure to swallow before I tried to speak again. “Heading to my room. A week off! Yes! Gotta get ready for work soon.”

“Is Jeff taking you?”

I watched her wipe down the kitchen counter, and for a minute, I could almost see her as others did—a bright, bubbly, petite woman with short light brown hair and a beautiful smile. Then my eyes fell on the latest bruise on her arm. Damn, I hadn’t heard any fighting in the last few days, but there was no disputing it—that was a fresh one.

“Um, yeah, he’s picking me up.” I cleared my throat. “Um…your arm?”

She stopped cleaning and braced her hands on the counter. “Aaron, I’m fine,” she whispered, but wouldn’t look at me.

“Mom, you’re not fine. Why? Why can’t we leave him?” God, how many times have I asked that question?

“Let me handle it,” she whispered again, her voice strained.

I shook my head. This had to stop. Something had to change. “I love you, Mom.”

Her shoulders slumped forward, giving up once again. “I love you, too, Aaron.” She paused for a moment. “You and Pamela are my whole life.”

I waited for her to turn my way, but she never did. “Thanks for the snack,” I told her, then headed to my room.

Well, this day is turning into the suckiest day possible. I collapsed on my bed, my mouth still full. Between Jeff possibly finding out my secret and Dad beating the crap out of Mom again, I was ready for this f*****g day to be over.

I sucked on the cookie in my mouth, letting the chocolate chips melt on my tongue as I thought about Jeff again. I was probably worried over nothing.

What I wouldn’t give to be able to go away with him to college. I was going to be lost without him. He was like a part of me. Had been since the moment we met. My lips quirked up as I remembered that day in class when he approached me.

When I’d first looked at him, I’d literally felt my body tingle. Everywhere. He was adorable back then. But that was replaced with a bond of friendship right away. As he had grown and matured and turned into a young man, I had consciously averted my eyes, not allowing my thoughts to ever go there. He was my best friend, not someone to lust after.

I was actually pretty proud of myself, because the few times I’d actually let myself look at him, like that, it was hard to keep my body from reacting. The last thing I wanted to do was perv on my best friend, no matter how hot he may be.

And he was hot. There was no doubt about it. If he could lose the shyness, girls would be all over him.

Great, now my d**k is hard. From thinking about Jeff. s**t. That’s why I didn’t let myself think like that. Shower. I need a cold shower.